Friendship Reunion prt.1 *edited*

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My heart couldn't stop beating quickly. I was sitting at my desk, watching my hugest crush stand at the front of the class. He was showing us his project on Action Films.

"Here is Jason Statham with the rest of the most loved action heros," He held up a poster.

I couldn't stop staring at his perfect brown short hair and sparkly blue eyes. He just seemed so perfect.
Someone passed a note to me which lay on my desk. I stopped staring and picked it up.
It said: Angie, are you ready 4 Logan's party?

My best friend Kandace was mentioning my crushes huge party after school. It was for winning the talent show at school.

I wrote down: r u stupid or something? DUH!
I passed it back to Kandace.
She smiled with her red lipstick shining brighter than ever before. Every girl loved Logan so this was how she tried to impress him.

Everyone clapped and I looked up. Logan was done with his presentation. I clapped and smiled widely.
He walked by me and returned the grin.
He sat next to me and I grinned. I turned my head to see Kandace's reaction. We both smiled from ear to ear.
My heart thumped hard against my chest as a silly grin grew across my face.
---

We were sitting in the courtyard. I was chewing on my sandwhich while Kandace was blabbing about what she would wear to the party.
I couldn't stop staring at the populars' table. Logan was there laughing with his other basketball freinds.
I ate subconsciously as I gazed into his eyes from a far distance.

"Angie! What is up with you?" Kandace asked me.

I snapped out of it and dropped my sandwhich.

"Uh, nothing. Nothing at all."

She laughed and flipped her black hair away.
I picked up my sandwhich and continued eating. I couldn't help but stare at him.

"Are you staring at Logan again?" she asked.

"No, I'm staring at Jordan's horrible outfit." I said.

She looked in Jordan's direction and laughed. "It is horrible!" she said.

I looked at Logan's direction again. Francessa was kissing him.
Disgusted, I looked away for a second. Then time froze. I couldn't believe it. Everything in me went up and my mind went crazy. I saw my old best friend Simon. We hadn't seen each other for so long, I think for about three years. You see he moved when we started seventh grade. We'd been best friends ever since first grade. I didn't know why but we clicked right away.
Simon walked with his lunch tray to some other table and I countinued staring. I just couldn't believe it. Kandace was saying something that I couldn't really hear. My eyes stayed focused on Simon.

"Logan again? Stop, Angie!" Kandace said.

"It's not always Logan Kandace. And anyway, look!" I pointed my finger at Simon.

Her jaw dropped.

"Oh my gosh," she said.

I lay my sandwhich down on the table and got up. Kandace stayed seated.
I walked up to Simon's table and smiled. The grass was wet because it just rained an hour ago.

"Hey Simon!" I said.

He looked up at me and smiled. He got up and huged me tightly. His hug was warm and welcoming.

"Oh my God, I missed you so much!" I said excited.

"I missed you too Angie," he said into my blond hair.

We let go and I looked into his brown eyes. Man, did I miss him!
I couldn't stop smiling. My stomach was on a flipping cycle. Simon. Is. Back.

"Sit," he said.

We sat down at the lunch table.

"Wow, you changed," he said.

"Really?" I asked.

Yeah," he said.

"How did I change?" I asked.

He kept the smile plastered on his face.

"You look mature; we haven't seen each other in years!" he said.

"Ah, you've changed too. I meanm look at you!" I said.

He wasn't dressed in kid like outifts. He was fit into stylish skinny jeans, a black sweater and converse. Overall, he looked older.
I saw Kandace walk up to us. She sat down next to me.

"Simon, wow," she said amazed.

"Right back at ya." he said.

We all started to laugh.

"When did you come back?" I asked Simon.

"Two days ago," he said.

"Why didn't you call?"

"It was late and I wanted to surprise you guys!"

People started to cheer around us. We looked around and saw the basketball team walk through the courtyard doors.
From the chearing I can guess that they won Saturday's game. I didn't go because I'm just not a sport's fan.

"Oh, right. They beat the Ogor's!" Kandance said.

"That's great. Go Eagles," I said sarcastically.

Kandace on the other hand was a huge fan when it came to basketall. Even when High School Musical showed "Getch' head in the game" she commented on how they played.

"You could be the least fan like for me." she complained.

I rose my arms in the air and said "Woohoo! Go Eagles!"

"Thank you,"

Simon spoke up.

"So, what class do you guys have?"

"I have English," I said.

"I have, um, Math." she said.

"I will see you in class then." Simon said to me.

That made me smile. The basketball team was walking around the courtyard. I looked up and saw Logan staring at me. Maybe he was looking at the table or something. I could've mistaken what he was looking at! But, he smiled when I caught him.
It wasn't a got-caught-smile nor a lieing-smile. It looked like a real smile.
My heardt pounded harder and faster. A goofy grin shaped on my face.

"What is she staring at?" I heard Simon ask.

"Uh, Logan Hemsworth." kandace said.

I turned around and looked at my friends.

"Huh," I hummed.

"Logan," she pointed at him.

Simon looked for a second. His smile, that was there the whole time faded in just a couple of seconds.
Just like that "Poof".

"What's wrong?" Kandace asked.

I was speechless. He just made me a little nervous.

"Nothin'." he answered.

Kandae made a confused face. I really was a clueless as she was.

"I'm gonna go finish my lunch." I recalled and got up.

This felt really awkward. What happened to him?
I went to my table and finished my lunch in silence.
***
I didn't feel like typing the rest! Sorry I'll add it later!
Last edited by Nike on Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Hi Nike! How's it going? I think I'll start by going through and editing/revising some things in red, not to mention a few comments on the side.

Nike wrote:My heart couldn't stop beating quickly. I was sitting at my desk watching my hugest crush stand at the front of the class. He was showing us his project on Action Films.

"Here is Jason Statham with the rest of the most loved action heros," he held up a poster.

I couldn't stop staring at his perfect brown short hair and sparkly blue eyes. He just seemed so perfect.
Someone passed a note to me which lay on my desk. I stopped staring and picked it up.
It said: Angie, are you ready 4 Logan's party?

She was mentioning my crush's huge party after school. It's for his winning the talent show at school.


Who is "she"?

Nike wrote:I wrote down: r u stupid or something? DUH!


Seriously, I'm wondering, do people ever actually write like that? I mean, I could see writing "r u" for texting, but how much more energy does it take to write "are you" on a note in class?

Nike wrote:I passed it back to Kandace.
She smiled with her red lipstick shining brighter than ever before. Every girl loves Logan so this is how she tried to impress him.

Everyone clapped and I looked up. Logan was done with his presentation. I clapped and smiled widely.
He walked by me and flashed a smile back.
I was happy that he sat next to me.


You just told us that you were happy. Quite frankly, this doesn't affect the reader. You need to show, not tell. Instead of just saying that you were happy, try writing about a movement that expresses your joy. Perhaps you could say, "He sat next to me and I grinned." You wouldn't grin in this situation if you weren't happy, would you?

Nike wrote:We were sitting in the courtyard. I was chewing on my sandwhich while Kandace was blabbing about what she would wear to the party.
I couldn't stop staring at the populars' table. Logan was there laughing with his other basketball freinds.
I ate subconsciously as I gazed into his eyes from a far distance.

"Angie! What is up with you?" Kandace asked me.

I snapped out of it and dropped my sandwhich.

"Uh, nothing. Nothing at all."

She laughed and flipped her black hair away.
I picked up my sandwhich and continued eating.

"Are you staring at Logan again?" she asked.

"No, I'm staring at Jordan's horrible outfit," I said.

She looked in Jordan's direction and laughed. "It is horrible!" she said.

I looked in Logan's direction again. Francessa was kissing him.
I got disgusted and I looked away for a second.


Ah, the recurring struggle against the passive tense! You didn't "get" disgusted. You "were" disgusted. Maybe you could paraphrase it to say, "Disgusted, I looked away for a second." Always try to avoid the passive tense.

Nike wrote:Then time froze. I couldn't believe it. Everything in me went up and my mind went crazy. I saw my old best friend Simon. We didn't see each other for so long, I think for about three years. You see he moved when we started seventh grade. We'd been best friends ever since first grade. I don't know why, but we connected right away since then.


I added a comma here because you are connecting two incomplete clauses with a conjunction (and). If you use a conjunction rather than a semicolon or a period, a comma is necessary.

Nike wrote:Simon walked with his lunch tray to some other table and I countinued staring. I just couldn't believe it.

"Logan again? Stop, Angie!" Kandace said.


If it wasn't for this period, it would be as though Kandace was telling somebody to stop Angie from doing something. Agh! Alliteration is attacking me!

Nike wrote:"It's not always Logan, Kandace. And anyway, look!" I pointed my finger at Simon.

Her jaw dropped.

"Oh my gosh," she said.


"Gosh" is just a euphemism for "God," so you don't need it to be capitalized.

Nike wrote:I lay my sandwhich down on the table and got up. Kandace stayed seated.
I walked up to Simon's table and smiled. The grass was wet because it just rained an hour ago.

"Hey Simon!" I said.

He looked up at me and smiled. He got up and hugged me tightly.

"Oh my God, I missed you so much!" I said.

"I missed you too, Angie," he said in my blond hair.

We let go and I looked into his brown eyes. Man, did I miss him!


You need an exclamation point here because your question is rhetorical.

Nike wrote:I couldn't stop smiling.

"Sit," he said.

I sat down at the lunch table.

"Wow, you changed," he said.

"Really?" I asked.

Yeah," he said.


Phew! Well, other than what I have already said, there isn't that much more, since this isn't the whole piece, right? If this is a chapter, I would recommend making it end more satisfactorily. I mean, you just stopped right in the middle of the conversation. Wouldn't Angie be wondering not only how he changed, but why Simon perceived this change?

I have an odd feeling that Angie will end up falling for Simon and they will be boyfriend and girlfriend happily ever after. This is the tough part about reviewing short stories/novels in parts; I would like to criticize the plot and its predictability, but I really can't for fear that my perceptions could be completely backwards. Please let me know when you post some more, because I really am interested in what happens next. Keep writing!

- Abigail

P.S. First impressions can be very important in literature; thus, it is crucial that you do not misspell your title. It should be, "Friendship Reunion." It's actually pretty easy to remember, because "end" is at the end of "friend."




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Hey! :D i loved it! i can't wait to see what happens next! :D
keep on writing! again, i absolutely loved it! :D

~Book Person~
I won't run when the sky turns to flame
and I sure won't budge when the earth does shake
when the flood comes up, I will dance in the rain
'cause it's all the same to me




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Heya Nike :)

I was sitting at my desk, watching my hugest crush stand at the front of the class. He was showing us his project on (a) Action Film(s).

I'd either put an s at the end of Film, or an a before Action.

"Here is Jason Statham with the rest of the most loved action heros." He held up a poster.


It was for his winning the talent show at school.


Every girl loved Logan, so this was how she tried to impress him.

You had some tense issues here. :)

Everyone clapped and I looked up. Logan was done with his presentation. I clapped and smiled widely.

He walked by me and flashed a smile back.

He sat next to me and I grinned. I turned my head to see Kandace's reaction. We both smiled from ear to ear.

You used the word smile an awful lot here!

"Are you staring at Logan again?" she asked.

"No, I'm staring at Jordan's horrible outfit," I said.

She looked in Jordan's direction and laughed. "It is horrible!" she said.


We hadn't seen each other for so long, I think for about three years. You see, he moved when we started seventh grade. We'd been best friends ever since first grade. I didn't know why, but we clicked right away since then.


"It's not always Logan Kandace. And anyway, look!" I pointed my finger at Simon.


"You look mature; we haven't seen each other in years!" he said.

"Ah, you've changed too. I meanm look at you!" I said.

I saw Kandace walk up to us. She sat down next to me.

"Simon, wow," she said amazed.

"Right back at ya," he said.

People started to cheer around us. We looked around and saw the basketball team walking through the courtyard doors.



Overall

This might be quite a short review, sorry. Abigail's said pretty much everything that I would have said. Plus, this piece as a whole is rather short. Mostly though, I don't really want to repeat everything that Abigail's already said. Hopefully though, my reviews on your other pieces might be a bit more detailed and more useful. I'll probably have to get them done tomorrow, by the way because it's already 12am here, right now. :lol:

My main critique for this is that I feel as though you're missing out some crucial details. You're giving us readers the facts, but not the explanations, if that makes sense. Basically, I'd like for you to describe why your main character's feeling she way she does and explain some situations in a bit more detail. Don't just tell us that she's happy, that she loves Logan, and that she can'y believe how much Simon's changed. Speaking about Simon, we're not actually sure how he's changed exactly. I'm assuming that he's changed as in is good looking now, but I can't be 100% sure. Think of it like expanding your points. Let us know how Angie's feeling and what those feelings do to her emotions. Like Abigail said, make sure that you show and not tell.

There's not much else that I can say now because... Well, Abigail's covered it. I'm also really tired... so that doesn't help much either. I'm sorry this isn't a very helpful review, but I hope that it is somewhat useful. I can promise you that your other reviews will be better than this one. All you have to do is to remember to describe things in detail and balance out the dialogue with them, be careful with some of your tenses, and make sure you don't use the word smile as often as you do. ;) If you give this piece a bit of a polish up, it could end up really good and a great read.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hey! Pointe here as requested!


My heart couldn't stop beating quickly. I was sitting at my desk, watching my hugest crush stand at the front of the class. He was showing us his project on Action Films.

"Here is Jason Statham with the rest of the most loved action heros," He held up a poster.

I couldn't stop staring at his perfect brown short hair and sparkly blue eyes. He just seemed so perfect.

Someone passed a note to me which lay on my desk. I stopped staring and picked it up.

It said: Angie, are you ready 4 Logan's party?

My best friend Kandace was mentioning my crushes huge party after school. It was for winning the talent show at school.
this should be in ()
I wrote down: r u stupid or something? DUH!

I passed it back to Kandace.

She smiled with her red lipstick shining brighter than ever before.Every girl loved Logan so this was how she tried to impress him.

Everyone clapped and I looked up. Logan was done with his presentation. I clapped and smiled widely.

He walked by me and returned the grin.

He sat next to me and I grinned. I turned my head to see Kandace's reaction. We both smiled from ear to ear.

My heart thumped hard against my chest as a silly grin grew across my face.

---

We were sitting in the courtyard. I was chewing on my sandwhich while Kandace was blabbing about what she would wear to the party.

I couldn't stop staring at the populars' table. Logan was there laughing with his other basketball freinds.

I ate subconsciously as I gazed into his eyes from a far distance.

"Angie! What is up with you?" Kandace asked me.

I snapped out of it and dropped my sandwhich.

"Uh, nothing. Nothing at all."

She laughed and flipped her black hair away.

I picked up my sandwhich and continued eating. I couldn't help but stare at him.

"Are you staring at Logan again?" she asked.

"No, I'm staring at Jordan's horrible outfit." I said.

She looked in Jordan's direction and laughed. "It is horrible!" she said.

I looked at Logan's direction again. Francessa was kissing him.

Disgusted, I looked away for a second. Then time froze. I couldn't believe it. Everything in me went up and my mind went crazy.


I saw my old best friend Simon. We hadn't seen each other for so long, I think for about three years. You see he moved when we started seventh grade. We'd been best friends ever since first grade. I didn't know why but we clicked right away.
this needs to slide down a bit so its more suspence

Simon walked with his lunch tray to some other table and I countinued staring. I just couldn't believe it. Kandace was saying something that I couldn't really hear. My eyes stayed focused on Simon.

"Logan again? Stop, Angie!" Kandace said.

"It's not always Logan, Kandace. And anyway, look!" I pointed my finger at Simon.

Her jaw dropped.

"Oh my gosh," she said.

I lay my sandwhich down on the table and got up. Kandace stayed seated.

I walked up to Simon's table and smiled. The grass was wet because it just rained an hour ago.

"Hey Simon!" I said.

He looked up at me and smiled. He got up and huged me tightly. His hug was warm and welcoming.

"Oh my God, I missed you so much!" I said excited.

"I missed you too Angie," he said into my blond hair.
We let go and I looked into his brown eyes. Man, did I miss him!

why oh why isn't there an almost kiss here? or a kiss? this is the kind of thing you want, leaves your reader wanting more!

I couldn't stop smiling. My stomach was on a flipping cycle. Simon. Is. Back.

"Sit," he said.

We sat down at the lunch table.

"Wow, you changed," he said.

"Really?" I asked.

Yeah," he said.

"How did I change? how so?" I asked.

He kept the smile plastered on his face.

"You look mature; we haven't seen each other in years!" he said.
I think this could be worded better
"Ah, you've changed too. I meanmlook at you!" I said.

He wasn't dressed in kid like outifts. He was fit into stylish skinny jeans, a black sweater and converse. Overall, he looked older.

I saw Kandace walk up to us. She sat down next to me.

"Simon, wow," she said amazed.

"Right back at ya." he said.

We all started to laugh.

"When did you come back?" I asked Simon.

"Two days ago," he said.

"Why didn't you call?"

"It was late and I wanted to surprise you guys!"

People started to cheer around us. We looked around and saw the basketball team walk through the courtyard doors.

From the chearing cheeringI can guess that they won Saturday's game. I didn't go because I'm just not a sport's fan.

"Oh, right. They beat the Ogor's!" Kandance said.

"That's great. Go Eagles," I said sarcastically.

Kandace on the other hand was a huge fan when it came to basketall. Even when High School Musical showed "Getch' head in the game" she commented on how they played.

"You could be the least fan like for me." she complained.
what?? this is worded sooooooooo strange

I rose my arms in the air and said "Woohoo! Go Eagles!"

"Thank you,"

Simon spoke up.

"So, what class do you guys have?"

"I have English," I said.

"I have, um, Math." she said.

"I will I'llsee you in class then." Simon said to me.

That made me smile. The basketball team was walking around the courtyard. I looked up and saw Logan staring at me. Maybe he was looking at the table or something. I could've mistaken what he was looking at! But, he smiled when I caught him.

It wasn't a got-caught-smile nor a lieing-smile. It looked like a real smile.

My heardt pounded harder and faster. A goofy grin shaped on my face.

"What is she staring at?" I heard Simon ask.

"Uh, Logan Hemsworth." kandace said.

I turned around and looked at my friends.

"Huh," I hummed.

"Logan," she pointed at him.

Simon looked for a second. His smile, that was there the whole time faded in just a couple of seconds.

Just like that "Poof".

"What's wrong?" Kandace asked.

I was speechless. He just made me a little nervous.

"Nothin'." he answered.

Kandae made a confused face. I really was a clueless as she was.

"I'm gonna go finish my lunch." I recalled and got up.

This felt really awkward. What happened to him?

I went to my table and finished my lunch in silence.

***
Overall :) it's good but needs work :-) hopes that what you wanted
~pointe
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


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Overall it's pretty good it's a good story and I'm pretty sure everyone already corrected the mistakes I saw :)
♥unsocialbutterfly♥



Y'know, sometimes a family is a mutant superhuman clown with cartoony powers, a hyperactive shapeshifter created in a lab, the ghost of an artificially created being who only exists for exposition, a cat who is an eldritch god for some reason, and an emo guy who doesn't canonically exist
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