Sweetheart (Chapter 1)

“Large globs of melting chocolate ice cream dripped over my hand and I tried to lick it up as fast as I could. It didn’t work. The sweltering heat from the large sun overhead caused me to sweat and I instinctively brought my hand to my face to wipe it off. Yes, the sweat was gone but then I had ice cream on my face. The new kid named Tommy came over and grabbed my forearm steadily.
“‘Stay still,’ he said in the most serious voice a six year old boy could use. I froze and he leaned in, sticking his tongue out of his mouth and landing it smack down on the lower part of my cheek. Then he slowly licked up the ice cream from my face. After he let go, he smiled at me. I stared at him. He continued to smile. And then I wiped off his saliva from my cheek and tried to stay away from him as much as I could. It was impossible, because only ten years later, I fell in love with him.”
The lights in the room slowly turned on and the class started to applaud. The girl who just read her short story with a cliffhanger returned to her seat and I stared at her. She had dark brown hair, not the kind of brown that made you think it was black, but the kind of brown that was actually brown and it could never be mistaken for anything else, ever. She wore her hair in a high ponytail with a red ribbon tied around it. She was white; no doubt about it, but it looked like she tried hard to keep herself a color that was tinted with a nice shade of brown and pink. Her eyes were big, like the mirrors in the convenience stores. Except her eyes were brown. A nice kind of brown that made your heart constrict and then bulge a thousand times bigger. She came off as sweet. But she also came off as alone. She wouldn’t talk to anybody and nobody would talk to her. Leave me alone, that’s what she was saying when she turned her head away from you and started doodling in her notebook. I would know, she’d done it to me plenty of times since I’d enrolled in school the week before.
“Rayce?”
I turned to look at the teacher, caught off guard. Had he seen me staring at her? That would have been embarrassing.
“Yes?” I asked. He stared at me from behind his square glasses. I cringed under the harsh look.
“Your short story?” he asked. I blinked and slid down in my seat.
“I didn’t do it,” I answered in a feeble voice. His gaze became colder and meaner as the seconds ticked by and I was finally starting to think he would turn Glaring at Rayce Valterra into an Olympic sport when he turned around and wrote my name on the board. Detention. Fantastic.
A few snickers were heard from the class and I slid farther down in my chair. I may have gotten away from being ridiculed because my mom was the Assistant Principal and girls had a thing for fighting over me, but that didn’t mean I could stay away from it forever. I made too many mistakes and blunders for me to not be made fun of.
The class went on for about ten more minutes before the bell rang and we were released to go to our last class. In my case: gym.
I gathered up my stuff and swung my backpack over my shoulder, noticing that the girl with the brown hair only carried a notebook and her math book. She must not like backpacks. I watched her leave the room before I snapped out of my trance and walked up to Mr. Teacher’s desk. No, I didn’t know his name. I also would not learn it seeing as I could care less what his name was. It was only a year that I would be there so why bother?
“Today, afterschool,” he said to me, “I don’t think your mother will mind.” I took the pink detention slip from him and turned away towards to the door.
“Don’t you worry, I’ll tell her,” I said over my shoulder. He didn’t respond and by the time I made it to the front office, I was sure he was going to get a kick out of this afternoon.
When I entered the front office, the secretary, Mrs. Gainell, smiled at me.
“Your mom’s out for a few minutes, do you want to stay and wait for her or leave a message or something?” she asked. Too happy, those were the words that always entered my mind whenever I saw her. Also, too young. She must have been about twenty five years old with glossy black hair and (I have to say this) a rockin’ body.
“I’ll just leave a message,” I replied, “I got detention for English this afternoon after school. I’ll meet her outside his classroom.” She wrote down my message on a post-it and smiled even wider at me.
“Do you need a pass for class?” she asked. The bell rang right on cue.
“No, I’m good. I have gym,” I said, already turning to leave. She started to type on her computer and I left the office, heading down the hallway for the drinking fountain. When I arrived to my destination, I realized that there were two people making out just beyond the fountain and I decided to just go to class when the girl saw me and pushed on the guy she was kissing.
"Go to class, Lenny,” she said, a little breathless. He looked up at her with a confused expression and I quickly realized who these two kids were. The girl was Adriana Lemus, the most annoying and promiscuous girl I had ever met. The boy was Lenny Nerice, our school mascot. He was half Asian and half who the hell knew what else. He was weird. Then again, Adriana made out with anything that had a heartbeat. Except me. No.
“What?” he asked. She looked at him again and pushed on him.
“Go to class, Len-nyyy,” she enunciated all the words. He grabbed his backpack and scoffed at her as he turned to get to seventh period. I stopped where I was and waited for Adriana to saunter over to me and try to convince me to be her boyfriend. For the fourth time.
She composed herself, pushing her dark red hair back with one hand while adjusting the lip gloss that got on her cheek with the other, and sashayed her way to me, making sure I saw all her curves go the extra distance. Her stiletto pumps, at least I thought they were pumps, made loud clicking noises with every step she took. It took a full minute for her to close the distance.
“Rayce,” she said, running her hand down my chest and stopping just before my crotch. She looked down and giggled before pulling her hand away from me. “Why don’t you skip class and we can….hang out?” she asked in what I guess she thought was a seductive voice. It was only annoying.
“I’m straight,” I said. She looked at me with the same confused expression Lenny gave her a few minutes before.
“What?”
“It means that I’m good, I’m gonna go to class,” I answered. She looked up at me and made a face. Not a very attractive one, either.
“Are you sure?” she asked, leaning into me, “Cause I could really use the company.” She batted her eyes at me and I forced myself not to throw up.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said, easing myself away from her and leaving her in the hallway. I heard her huff in anger before I exited out the doors to the outside quad. She has a bet against her best friend, Tawny Issane, about who would get to make out with me first. I felt bad that they’d lose because I would never make out with either of them.
As I entered the locker room, I heard Coach Kreeli yelling at the boys to hurry up and get to the basketball courts. I ran to my locker, pulling off my jeans and stuffing them in the small compartment. I always wore my shorts under my jeans for easier access.
After, I pulled off my shirt and threw it in with my shorts only to realize that Jayden Lore was staring at me. I turned to look at him and he quickly blushed before looking away from me. The guys around me started mumbling some very inappropriate suggestions for him to do that only made him turn beet red. I rolled my eyes and pulled on my gym shirt before closing my locker and sliding to sit next to Jayden.
“Listen, I know you should be the one apologizing to me because you were staring,” I started, looking at his face turn extremely worried, “But if I hadn’t been so surprised then the guys wouldn’t have started to say all that shit so I’m sorry. I know you have a different preference than most of us here but that’s not a reason for everyone to make fun of you. Also, could you stop staring at me in such an obvious manner? It’s really awkward.” He nodded and I shook my head in disbelief, not only girls but guys liked me. Yes, it was weird.
Gym passed by in a blur of running, sweat, a lot of profanity, some threats, and a huge adrenaline rush. In other words: a lot of fun. It ended too soon, though. Coach Kreeli called us in and we went back, hitting the showers and changing back into our clothes. I’d just finished pulling my regular shirt over my head when the bell rang. It sort of sucked that school days lasted longer for me on account of the detention I got for not doing my homework.
On my way to returning to my English classroom, Tawny Issane waved at me and tried to catch up but I forced my way through the throng of people and into the boy’s restroom. I walked over to the mirrors and looked at myself; scared to death of what could have been another encounter with one of the school’s most annoying girls. A guy with tattoos up and down his arms walked into the bathroom, went up to the mirror next to me, and broke it in half. I stepped back in shock as he hit it again and took a large shard of it outside with him. There were some screams and then teachers were yelling for campus monitors and the students were chanting Fight! Fight! Fight!
I shook my head and headed out of the bathroom, seeing the scuffle being torn apart by Principal Charlee and Coach Kreeli. The students quickly dispersed and the hallway was suddenly quiet and lonely. I made my way to my English classroom and saw Ms. Valterra standing outside the door with twenty pound dumbbells next to her. Did I say Ms. Valterra? I meant my mom.
“Hurry, Rayce,” she said, “I have business to get to.” She handed me a slip and I signed it on the fifth blank line. She took the paper and pointed at the dumbbells. “I got the next ones because you’re doing the fifteens too easily.” I looked down and grimaced. “I’ll come and pick you up after detention, alright?” She kissed my forehead and left me standing in the hallway.
I rolled the dumbbells into the classroom and Mr. Teacher raised his eyebrows. He didn’t ask anything, though, and I rolled them all the way to the other side of the room before handing him my detention slip and looking out over the classroom.
My heart must have stopped because I lost my balance and nearly tripped over nothing. The girl with the brown hair was sitting down in the first row, writing furiously into her notebook. She paused for a second and turned to look at me. I extended my hand and started walking towards her.
“Hi, my name’s—”
“Don’t talk to me,” she cut me off, looking back at her notebook and continuing her writing. I dropped my hand and backed away from her. Well, that was a fantastic start.
I decided to try again some other time, turning to my dumbbells and placing my forehead on the wall. Mr. Teacher looked at me as I bent to retrieve the weights.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Punishment. My mom’s way of keeping me occupied in detention,” I answered, lifting the weights one by one. Sure enough, he started laughing.

ALright, so, that was definitely a beginning with not much action. It's sort of bland, with you telling us too much. Show the reader what the girl looks like. Showing the reader removes a ton of useless details and makes the peice more interesting for the reader

Write On
~WickedWonder

diaNe cHavez wrote:“Large globs of melting chocolate ice cream dripped over my hand as I tried to lick it up as fast as I could. It didn’t work. The sweltering heat from the large sun overhead caused me to sweat and I instinctively brought my hand to my face to wipe it off. Yes, the sweat was gone but then I had ice cream on my face. The new kid named Tommy came over and grabbed my forearm steadily.
“‘Stay still," he said in the most serious voice a six year old boy could use. I froze and he leaned in, sticking his tongue out of his mouth and landing it smack down on the lower part of my cheek. Then he slowly licked up the ice cream from my face. After he let go, he smiled at me. I stared at him. He continued to smile. And then I wiped off his saliva from my cheek and tried to stay away from him as much as I could. It was impossible, because only ten years later, I fell in love with him.” You don't need quotation. I think that you should introduce this first papagraph as an introduction because this is a romantic novel and when I heard six year old I had to read over again to make sure it was right. Or maybe in bold and italics write 10 years earlier.
The lights in the room slowly turned on and the class started to applaud. The girl who just read her short story with a cliffhanger returned to her seat and I stared at her. She had dark brown hair, not the kind of brown that made you think it was black, but the kind of brown that was actually brown and it could never be mistaken for anything else, ever. She wore her hair in a high ponytail with a red ribbon tied around it. She was white; no doubt about it, but it looked like she tried hard to keep herself a color that was tinted with a nice shade of brown and pink. Her eyes were big, like the mirrors in the convenience stores. Except her eyes were brown Why would you say except?. A nice kind of brown that made your heart constrict and then bulge a thousand times bigger. She came off as sweet, but she also came off as alone. She wouldn’t talk to anybody and nobody would talk to her. Leave me alone, that’s what she was saying when she turned her head away from you and started doodling in her notebook. I would know, she’d done it to me plenty of times since I’d enrolled in school the week before.
“Rayce?”
I turned to look at the teacher, caught off guard. Had he seen me staring at her? That would have been embarrassing.
“Yes?” I asked. He stared at me from behind his square glasses. I cringed under the harsh look.
“Your short story?” he asked. I blinked and slid down in my seat.
“I didn’t do it,” I answered in a feeble voice. His gaze became colder and meaner as the seconds ticked by and I was finally starting to think he would turn Glaring at Rayce Valterra into an Olympic sport when he turned around and wrote my name on the board. Detention. Fantastic.
A few snickers were heard from the class and I slid farther down in my chair. I may have gotten away from being ridiculed because my mom was the Assistant Principal and girls had a thing for fighting over me, but that didn’t mean I could stay away from it forever. I made too many mistakes and blunders for me to not be made fun of.
The class went on for about ten more minutes before the bell rang and we were released to go to our last class. In my case: gym.
I gathered up my stuff and swung my backpack over my shoulder, noticing that the girl with the brown hair only carried a notebook and her math book. She must not like backpacks. I watched her leave the room before I snapped out of my trance and walked up to Mr. Teacher’s desk. No, I didn’t know his name. I also would not learn it seeing as I could care less what his name was. It was only a year that I would be there so why bother?
“Today, afterschool,” Space out after school he said to me, “I don’t think your mother will mind.” I took the pink detention slip from him and turned away towards to the door.
“Don’t you worry, I’ll tell her,” I said over my shoulder. He didn’t respond and by the time I made it to the front office, I was sure he was going to get a kick out of this afternoon. A kick out of this afternoon????
When I entered the front office, the secretary, Mrs. Gainell, smiled at me.
“Your mom’s out for a few minutes, do you want to stay and wait for her or leave a message or something?” You should take out or something. It doesn't sound very good. she asked. Too happy, those were the words that always entered my mind whenever I saw her. Also, too young. She must have been about twenty five years old with glossy black hair and (I have to say this) a rockin’ body.
“I’ll just leave a message,” I replied, “I got detention for English this afternoon after school. I’ll meet her outside his classroom.” She wrote down my message on a post-it and smiled even wider at me.
“Do you need a pass for class?” she asked. The bell rang right on cue. I just wanted to ask why the secretary is favoring her. It doesn't seem that likely that the secretary would be favoring her just because her mother is the vice principal.
“No, I’m good. I have gym,” I said, already turning to leave. She started to type on her computer and I left the office, heading down the hallway for the drinking fountain. When I arrived to my destination, I realized that there were two people making out just beyond the fountain and I decided to just go to class when the girl saw me and pushed on the guy she was kissing.
"Go to class, Lenny,” she said, a little breathless. He looked up at her with a confused expression and I quickly realized who these two kids were. The girl was Adriana Lemus, the most annoying and promiscuous girl I had ever met. The boy was Lenny Nerice, our school mascot. He was half Asian and half who the hell knew what else. He was weird. Then again, Adriana made out with anything that had a heartbeat. Except me. No.
“What?” he asked. She looked at him again and pushed on him.
“Go to class, Len-nyyy,” she enunciated all the words. He grabbed his backpack and scoffed at her as he turned to get to seventh period. I stopped where I was and waited for Adriana to saunter over to me and try to convince me to be her boyfriend. For the fourth time. Before this paragraph I had no idea whether the main character was a boy or a girl. In the first paragraph when there were the two little kids the girl was the main character and now the guy is the main character??????? It's a tad bit confusing
She composed herself, pushing her dark red hair back with one hand while adjusting the lip gloss that got on her cheek with the other, and sashayed her way to me, making sure I saw all her curves go the extra distance. Her stiletto pumps, at least I thought they were pumps, made loud clicking noises with every step she took. It took a full minute for her to close the distance.
“Rayce,” she said, running her hand down my chest and stopping just before my crotch. She looked down and giggled before pulling her hand away from me. “Why don’t you skip class and we can….hang out?” she asked in what I guess she thought was a seductive voice. It was only annoying.
“I’m straight,” I said. She looked at me with the same confused expression Lenny gave her a few minutes before.
“What?”
“It means that I’m good, I’m gonna go to class,” I answered. She looked up at me and made a face. Not a very attractive one, either.
“Are you sure?” she asked, leaning into me, “Cause I could really use the company.” She batted her eyes at me and I forced myself not to throw up.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said, easing myself away from her and leaving her in the hallway. I heard her huff in anger before I exited out the doors to the outside quad. She has a bet against her best friend, Tawny Issane, about who would get to make out with me first. I felt bad that they’d lose because I would never make out with either of them. If he doesn't liek either of them, why should he feel bad that they are both going to loose the bet.
As I entered the locker room, I heard Coach Kreeli yelling at the boys to hurry up and get to the basketball courts. I ran to my locker, pulling off my jeans and stuffing them in the small compartment. I always wore my shorts under my jeans for easier access.
After, I pulled off my shirt and threw it in with my shorts only to realize that Jayden Lore was staring at me. This sentence doesn't really make sense so rephrase it and say I pulled off my shirt and threw in in with my shorts only to realize... I turned to look at him and he quickly blushed before looking away from me. The guys around me started mumbling some very inappropriate suggestions for him to do that only made him turn beet red. I rolled my eyes and pulled on my gym shirt before closing my locker and sliding to sit next to Jayden.
“Listen, I know you should be the one apologizing to me because you were staring,” I started, looking at his face turn extremely worried, “But if I hadn’t been so surprised then the guys wouldn’t have started to say all that shit so I’m sorry. I know you have a different preference than most of us here but that’s not a reason for everyone to make fun of you. Also, could you stop staring at me in such an obvious manner? It’s really awkward.” He nodded and I shook my head in disbelief, not only girls but guys liked me. Yes, it was weird. Now I'm really confused...is the main character gay?????
Gym passed by in a blur of running, sweat, a lot of profanity, some threats, and a huge adrenaline rush. In other words: a lot of fun. It ended too soon, though. Coach Kreeli called us in and we went back, hitting the showers and changing back into our clothes. I’d just finished pulling my regular shirt over my head when the bell rang. It sort of sucked that school days lasted longer for me on account of the detention I got for not doing my homework.
On my way to returning to my English classroom, Tawny Issane waved at me and tried to catch up but I forced my way through the throng of people and into the boy’s restroom. I walked over to the mirrors and looked at myself; scared to death of what could have been another encounter with one of the school’s most annoying girls. A guy with tattoos up and down his arms walked into the bathroom, went up to the mirror next to me, and broke it in half. I stepped back in shock as he hit it again and took a large shard of it outside with him. There were some screams and then teachers were yelling for campus monitors and the students were chanting Fight! Fight! Fight! Was he fighting with Rayce?? Because there was no mention of another character there that he was fighting with.
I shook my head and headed out of the bathroom, seeing the scuffle being torn apart by Principal Charlee and Coach Kreeli. The students quickly dispersed and the hallway was suddenly quiet and lonely. I made my way to my English classroom and saw Ms. Valterra standing outside the door with twenty pound dumbbells next to her. Did I say Ms. Valterra? I meant my mom.
“Hurry, Rayce,” she said, “I have business to get to.” She handed me a slip and I signed it on the fifth blank line. She took the paper and pointed at the dumbbells. “I got the next ones because you’re doing the fifteens too easily.” I looked down and grimaced. “I’ll come and pick you up after detention, alright?” She kissed my forehead and left me standing in the hallway. What is he signing and what are the dumbbells for?????
I rolled the dumbbells into the classroom and Mr. Teacher raised his eyebrows. He didn’t ask anything, though, and I rolled them all the way to the other side of the room before handing him my detention slip and looking out over the classroom.
My heart must have stopped because I lost my balance and nearly tripped over nothing. The girl with the brown hair was sitting down in the first row, writing furiously into her notebook. She paused for a second and turned to look at me. I extended my hand and started walking towards her.
“Hi, my name’s—”
“Don’t talk to me,” she cut me off, looking back at her notebook and continuing her writing. I dropped my hand and backed away from her. Well, that was a fantastic start.
I decided to try again some other time, turning to my dumbbells and placing my forehead on the wall. Mr. Teacher looked at me as I bent to retrieve the weights.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Punishment. My mom’s way of keeping me occupied in detention,” I answered, lifting the weights one by one. Sure enough, he started laughing.

That was a good story with a few exceptions. First of all if the main character is a boy then why did you make the character in the first paragraph (the one ten years earlier) a girl. And also you need to give the reader hints on what gender the main character is because I really had no idea until much later in the story. Other than that it was a good story except for it didn't have much action. And in the paragraph that is ten years earlier who is Tommy, the story doesn't mention a Tommy at all even though you stated that the girl was going to fall in love with him. To me the first paragraph was totally irrelavant because it gave me nothing and had nothing to do with the story. The story itself was a little confusing to read at parts. Also the ending seemed a little weak to me and it didn't make you conclude the story strong. Other than that I think it's a great story and it can be an even better story if you change some things around. Pm me for questions.

-lilgreendots

I liked this! This is an interesting book. But you should add description. I don't know how the MC even looks ike! Maybe when he looked at the mirror you could describe. I enjoyed it, you should edit the parts the writers above me said.
KeepWriting!
Nike

I really liked this!
however, in my opinion you were telling too much in the beginning so it kind of made it seem like it just kept going...mayve try describing what the characters look like so you won't have to write as much when you describe what they're doing. if that made sense....
anyway, I really enjoyed it

great job!

It okay for your first draft.
I mean there was a lot of usless info that i didn't care to much about.
So you should def filter it a wee bit.
Just sort out your thoughts.
I find reading it outloud helps a lot so you can hear what it sounds like.
You started your story with ", that kinda threw me off- I was expecting so dialouge. It was all just really confusing, I mean there so so so much!
I'm not much for editing, so i can't help you much with that.
Trust me though, read it outloud, read it to your friends, make some changes.
And it will be good!

diaHavez wrote:“I dont think you want this to be in quotation markd.Large globs of melting chocolate ice cream dripped over my hand and I tried to lick it up as fast as I could.comma and lower case I It didn’t work. The sweltering heat from the large sun overhead caused me to sweat and I instinctively brought my hand to my face to wipe it off. Yes, the sweat was gone commabut then I had ice cream on my face. The new kidget rid of named and make it 'The new kid, Tommy, came over and... named Tommy came over and grabbed my forearm steadily.
“‘Stay still,’why are you using ' marks? he said in the most serious voice a six year old boy could use. I froze and he leaned in, sticking his tongue out of his mouth and landing it smack down on the lower part of my cheek. Then he slowly licked up the ice cream from my face. After he let go, he smiled at me. I stared at him. He continued to smile. And then I wiped off his saliva from my cheek and tried to stay away from him as much as I could. It was impossible, because only ten years later, I fell in love with him.”
The lights in the room slowly turned on and the class started to applaud. The girl who just read her short story with a cliffhanger returned to her seat and I stared at her. She had dark brown hair, not the kind of brown that made you think it was black, but the kind of brown that was actually brown and it could never be mistaken for anything else, ever. She wore her hair in a high ponytail with a red ribbon tied around it. She was white; no doubt about it, but it looked like she tried hard to keep herself a color that was tinted with a nice shade of brown and pink. Her eyes were big, like the mirrors in the convenience stores. Exceptcomma her eyes were brown. A nice kind of brown that made your heart constrict and then bulge a thousand times bigger. She came off as sweet. But she also came off as alone. She wouldn’t talk to anybody and nobody would talk to her. Leave me alone, that’s what she was saying when she turned her head away from you and started doodling in her notebook. I would know, she’d done it to me plenty of times since I’d enrolled in school the week before.
“Rayce?”
I turned to look at the teacher, caught off guard. Had he seen me staring at her? That would have been embarrassing.
“Yes?” I asked. He stared at me from behind his square glasses. I cringed under the harsh look.
“Your short story?” he asked. I blinked and slid down in my seat.
“I didn’t do it,” I answered in a feeble voice. His gaze became colder and meaner as the seconds ticked by and I was finally starting to think he would turn Glaring at Rayce Valterra into an Olympic sport when he turned around and wrote my name on the board. Detention. Fantastic.
A few snickers were heard from the class and I slid farther down in my chair. I may have gotten away from being ridiculed because my mom was the Assistant Principal and girls had a thing for fighting over me, but that didn’t mean I could stay away from it forever. I made too many mistakes and blunders for me to not be made fun of.
The class went on for about ten more minutes before the bell rang and we were released to go to our last class. In my case:not : make it a comma or a ; gym.
I gathered up my stuff and swung my backpack over my shoulder, noticing that the girl with the brown hair only carried a notebook and her math book. comma not periodShe must not like backpacks. I watched her leave the room before I snapped out of my trance and walked up to Mr. Teacher’s desk. No, I didn’t know his name. I also would not learn it seeing as I could care less what his name was. It was only a year that I would be there so why bother?
“Today, afterschool,” he said to me, “I don’t think your mother will mind.” I took the pink detention slip from him and turned away towards to the door.
“Don’t you worry, I’ll tell her,” I said over my shoulder. He didn’t respond and by the time I made it to the front office, I was sure he was going to get a kick out of this afternoon.
When I entered the front office, the secretary, Mrs. Gainell, smiled at me.
“Your mom’s out for a few minutes, do you want to stay and wait for her or leave a message or something?” she asked. Too happy, those were the words that always entered my mind whenever I saw her. Also, too young. She must have been about twenty five years old with glossy black hair and (I have to say this)delete I have to say this in () put in in commas like and, I have to say this, a rockin body...see? a rockin’ body.
“I’ll just leave a message,” I replied, “I got detention for English this afternoon after school. I’ll meet her outside his classroom.” She wrote down my message on a post-it and smiled even wider at me.
“Do you need a pass for class?” she asked. The bell rang right on cue.
“No, I’m good. I have gym,” I said, already turning to leave. She started to type on her computer and I left the office, heading down the hallway for the drinking fountain. When I arrived to my destination, I realized that there were two people making out just beyond the fountain and I decided to just go to class when the girl saw me and pushed on the guy she was kissing.
"Go to class, Lenny,” she said, a little breathless. He looked up at her with a confused expression and I quickly realized who these two kids were. The girl was Adriana Lemus, the most annoying and promiscuous girl I had ever met. The boy was Lenny Nerice, our school mascot. He was half Asian and half who the hell knew what else. He was weird. Then again, Adriana made out with anything that had a heartbeat. Except me. No.
“What?” he asked. She looked at him again and pushed on him.
“Go to class, Len-nyyy,” she enunciated all the words. He grabbed his backpack and scoffed at her as he turned to get to seventh period. I stopped where I was and waited for Adriana to saunter over to me and try to convince me to be her boyfriend. For the fourth time.
She composed herself, pushing her dark red hair back with one hand while adjusting the lip gloss that got on her cheek with the other, and sashayed her way to me, making sure I saw all her curves go the extra distance. Her stiletto pumps, at least I thought they were pumps, made loud clicking noises with every step she took. It took a full minute for her to close the distance.
“Rayce,” she said, running her hand down my chest and stopping just before my crotch. She looked down and giggled before pulling her hand away from me. “Why don’t you skip class and we can….hang out?” she asked in what I guess she thought was a seductive voice. It was only delete onlyannoying.
“I’m straight,” I said. She looked at me with the same confused expression Lenny gave her a few minutes before.
“What?”
“It means that I’m good, I’m gonna go to class,” I answered. She looked up at me and made a face. Not a very attractive one, either.
“Are you sure?” she asked, leaning into me, “Cause I could really use the company.” She batted her eyes at me and I forced myself not to throw up.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said, easing myself away from her and leaving her in the hallway. I heard her huff in anger before I exited out the doors to the outside quad. She has a bet against her best friend, Tawny Issane, about who would get to make out with me first. I felt bad that they’d lose because I would never make out with either of them.
As I entered the locker room, I heard Coach Kreeli yelling at the boys to hurry up and get to the basketball courts. I ran to my locker, pulling off my jeans and stuffing them in the small compartment. I always wore my shorts under my jeans for easier access.
After, I pulled off my shirt and threw it in with my shorts only to realize that Jayden Lore was staring at me. I turned to look at him and he quickly blushed before looking away from me. The guys around me started mumbling some very inappropriate suggestions for him to do that only made him turn beet red. I rolled my eyes and pulled on my gym shirt before closing my locker and sliding to sit next to Jayden.
“Listen, I know you should be the one apologizing to me because you were staring,” I started, looking at his face turn extremely worried, “But if I hadn’t been so surprised then the guys wouldn’t have started to say all that shit so I’m sorry. I know you have a different preference than most of us here but that’s not a reason for everyone to make fun of you. Also, could you stop staring at me in such an obvious manner? It’s really awkward.” He nodded and I shook my head in disbelief, not only girls but guys liked me. Yes, it was weird.
Gym passed by in a blur of running, sweat, a lot of profanity, some threats, and a huge adrenaline rush. In other words: a lot of fun. It ended too soon, though. Coach Kreeli called us in and we went back, hitting the showers and changing back into our clothes. I’d just finished pulling my regular shirt over my head when the bell rang. It sort of sucked that school days lasted longer for me on account of the detention I got for not doing my homework.
On my way to returning to my English classroom, Tawny Issane waved at me and tried to catch up but I forced my way through the throng of people and into the boy’s restroom. I walked over to the mirrors and looked at myself; scared to death of what could have been another encounter with one of the school’s most annoying girls. A guy with tattoos up and down his arms walked into the bathroom, went up to the mirror next to me, and broke it in half. I stepped back in shock as he hit it again and took a large shard of it outside with him. There were some screams and then teachers were yelling for campus monitors and the students were chanting Fight! Fight! Fight!
I shook my head and headed out of the bathroom, seeing the scuffle being torn apart by Principal Charlee and Coach Kreeli. The students quickly dispersed and the hallway was suddenly quiet and lonely. I made my way to my English classroom and saw Ms. Valterra standing outside the door with twenty pound dumbbells next to her. Did I say Ms. Valterra? I meant my mom.
“Hurry, Rayce,” she said, “I have business to get to.” She handed me a slip and I signed it on the fifth blank line. She took the paper and pointed at the dumbbells. “I got the next ones because you’re doing the fifteens too easily.” I looked down and grimaced. “I’ll come and pick you up after detention, alright?” She kissed my forehead and left me standing in the hallway.
I rolled the dumbbells into the classroom and Mr. Teacher raised his eyebrows. He didn’t ask anything, though, and I rolled them all the way to the other side of the room before handing him my detention slip and looking out over the classroom.
My heart must have stopped because I lost my balance and nearly tripped over nothing. The girl with the brown hair was sitting down in the first row, writing furiously into her notebook. She paused for a second and turned to look at me. I extended my hand and started walking towards her.
“Hi, my name’s—”
“Don’t talk to me,” she cut me off, looking back at her notebook and continuing her writing. I dropped my hand and backed away from her. Well, that was a fantastic start.
I decided to try again some other time, turning to my dumbbells and placing my forehead on the wall. Mr. Teacher looked at me as I bent to retrieve the weights.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Punishment. My mom’s way of keeping me occupied in detention,” I answered, lifting the weights one by one. Sure enough, he started laughing.

Overall it was ok. I didnt really understand a little of it I'll be honest. But it has great potential dont give up what ever you do. you are talented.

diaHavez wrote:“I dont think you want this to be in quotation markd.Large globs of melting chocolate ice cream dripped over my hand and I tried to lick it up as fast as I could.comma and lower case I It didn’t work. The sweltering heat from the large sun overhead caused me to sweat and I instinctively brought my hand to my face to wipe it off. Yes, the sweat was gone commabut then I had ice cream on my face. The new kidget rid of named and make it 'The new kid, Tommy, came over and... named Tommy came over and grabbed my forearm steadily.
“‘Stay still,’why are you using ' marks? he said in the most serious voice a six year old boy could use. I froze and he leaned in, sticking his tongue out of his mouth and landing it smack down on the lower part of my cheek. Then he slowly licked up the ice cream from my face. After he let go, he smiled at me. I stared at him. He continued to smile. And then I wiped off his saliva from my cheek and tried to stay away from him as much as I could. It was impossible, because only ten years later, I fell in love with him.”
The lights in the room slowly turned on and the class started to applaud. The girl who just read her short story with a cliffhanger returned to her seat and I stared at her. She had dark brown hair, not the kind of brown that made you think it was black, but the kind of brown that was actually brown and it could never be mistaken for anything else, ever. She wore her hair in a high ponytail with a red ribbon tied around it. She was white; no doubt about it, but it looked like she tried hard to keep herself a color that was tinted with a nice shade of brown and pink. Her eyes were big, like the mirrors in the convenience stores. Exceptcomma her eyes were brown. A nice kind of brown that made your heart constrict and then bulge a thousand times bigger. She came off as sweet. But she also came off as alone. She wouldn’t talk to anybody and nobody would talk to her. Leave me alone, that’s what she was saying when she turned her head away from you and started doodling in her notebook. I would know, she’d done it to me plenty of times since I’d enrolled in school the week before.
“Rayce?”
I turned to look at the teacher, caught off guard. Had he seen me staring at her? That would have been embarrassing.
“Yes?” I asked. He stared at me from behind his square glasses. I cringed under the harsh look.
“Your short story?” he asked. I blinked and slid down in my seat.
“I didn’t do it,” I answered in a feeble voice. His gaze became colder and meaner as the seconds ticked by and I was finally starting to think he would turn Glaring at Rayce Valterra into an Olympic sport when he turned around and wrote my name on the board. Detention. Fantastic.
A few snickers were heard from the class and I slid farther down in my chair. I may have gotten away from being ridiculed because my mom was the Assistant Principal and girls had a thing for fighting over me, but that didn’t mean I could stay away from it forever. I made too many mistakes and blunders for me to not be made fun of.
The class went on for about ten more minutes before the bell rang and we were released to go to our last class. In my case:not : make it a comma or a ; gym.
I gathered up my stuff and swung my backpack over my shoulder, noticing that the girl with the brown hair only carried a notebook and her math book. comma not periodShe must not like backpacks. I watched her leave the room before I snapped out of my trance and walked up to Mr. Teacher’s desk. No, I didn’t know his name. I also would not learn it seeing as I could care less what his name was. It was only a year that I would be there so why bother?
“Today, afterschool,” he said to me, “I don’t think your mother will mind.” I took the pink detention slip from him and turned away towards to the door.
“Don’t you worry, I’ll tell her,” I said over my shoulder. He didn’t respond and by the time I made it to the front office, I was sure he was going to get a kick out of this afternoon.
When I entered the front office, the secretary, Mrs. Gainell, smiled at me.
“Your mom’s out for a few minutes, do you want to stay and wait for her or leave a message or something?” she asked. Too happy, those were the words that always entered my mind whenever I saw her. Also, too young. She must have been about twenty five years old with glossy black hair and (I have to say this)delete I have to say this in () put in in commas like and, I have to say this, a rockin body...see? a rockin’ body.
“I’ll just leave a message,” I replied, “I got detention for English this afternoon after school. I’ll meet her outside his classroom.” She wrote down my message on a post-it and smiled even wider at me.
“Do you need a pass for class?” she asked. The bell rang right on cue.
“No, I’m good. I have gym,” I said, already turning to leave. She started to type on her computer and I left the office, heading down the hallway for the drinking fountain. When I arrived to my destination, I realized that there were two people making out just beyond the fountain and I decided to just go to class when the girl saw me and pushed on the guy she was kissing.
"Go to class, Lenny,” she said, a little breathless. He looked up at her with a confused expression and I quickly realized who these two kids were. The girl was Adriana Lemus, the most annoying and promiscuous girl I had ever met. The boy was Lenny Nerice, our school mascot. He was half Asian and half who the hell knew what else. He was weird. Then again, Adriana made out with anything that had a heartbeat. Except me. No.
“What?” he asked. She looked at him again and pushed on him.
“Go to class, Len-nyyy,” she enunciated all the words. He grabbed his backpack and scoffed at her as he turned to get to seventh period. I stopped where I was and waited for Adriana to saunter over to me and try to convince me to be her boyfriend. For the fourth time.
She composed herself, pushing her dark red hair back with one hand while adjusting the lip gloss that got on her cheek with the other, and sashayed her way to me, making sure I saw all her curves go the extra distance. Her stiletto pumps, at least I thought they were pumps, made loud clicking noises with every step she took. It took a full minute for her to close the distance.
“Rayce,” she said, running her hand down my chest and stopping just before my crotch. She looked down and giggled before pulling her hand away from me. “Why don’t you skip class and we can….hang out?” she asked in what I guess she thought was a seductive voice. It was only delete onlyannoying.
“I’m straight,” I said. She looked at me with the same confused expression Lenny gave her a few minutes before.
“What?”
“It means that I’m good, I’m gonna go to class,” I answered. She looked up at me and made a face. Not a very attractive one, either.
“Are you sure?” she asked, leaning into me, “Cause I could really use the company.” She batted her eyes at me and I forced myself not to throw up.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said, easing myself away from her and leaving her in the hallway. I heard her huff in anger before I exited out the doors to the outside quad. She has a bet against her best friend, Tawny Issane, about who would get to make out with me first. I felt bad that they’d lose because I would never make out with either of them.
As I entered the locker room, I heard Coach Kreeli yelling at the boys to hurry up and get to the basketball courts. I ran to my locker, pulling off my jeans and stuffing them in the small compartment. I always wore my shorts under my jeans for easier access.
After, I pulled off my shirt and threw it in with my shorts only to realize that Jayden Lore was staring at me. I turned to look at him and he quickly blushed before looking away from me. The guys around me started mumbling some very inappropriate suggestions for him to do that only made him turn beet red. I rolled my eyes and pulled on my gym shirt before closing my locker and sliding to sit next to Jayden.
“Listen, I know you should be the one apologizing to me because you were staring,” I started, looking at his face turn extremely worried, “But if I hadn’t been so surprised then the guys wouldn’t have started to say all that shit so I’m sorry. I know you have a different preference than most of us here but that’s not a reason for everyone to make fun of you. Also, could you stop staring at me in such an obvious manner? It’s really awkward.” He nodded and I shook my head in disbelief, not only girls but guys liked me. Yes, it was weird.
Gym passed by in a blur of running, sweat, a lot of profanity, some threats, and a huge adrenaline rush. In other words: a lot of fun. It ended too soon, though. Coach Kreeli called us in and we went back, hitting the showers and changing back into our clothes. I’d just finished pulling my regular shirt over my head when the bell rang. It sort of sucked that school days lasted longer for me on account of the detention I got for not doing my homework.
On my way to returning to my English classroom, Tawny Issane waved at me and tried to catch up but I forced my way through the throng of people and into the boy’s restroom. I walked over to the mirrors and looked at myself; scared to death of what could have been another encounter with one of the school’s most annoying girls. A guy with tattoos up and down his arms walked into the bathroom, went up to the mirror next to me, and broke it in half. I stepped back in shock as he hit it again and took a large shard of it outside with him. There were some screams and then teachers were yelling for campus monitors and the students were chanting Fight! Fight! Fight!
I shook my head and headed out of the bathroom, seeing the scuffle being torn apart by Principal Charlee and Coach Kreeli. The students quickly dispersed and the hallway was suddenly quiet and lonely. I made my way to my English classroom and saw Ms. Valterra standing outside the door with twenty pound dumbbells next to her. Did I say Ms. Valterra? I meant my mom.
“Hurry, Rayce,” she said, “I have business to get to.” She handed me a slip and I signed it on the fifth blank line. She took the paper and pointed at the dumbbells. “I got the next ones because you’re doing the fifteens too easily.” I looked down and grimaced. “I’ll come and pick you up after detention, alright?” She kissed my forehead and left me standing in the hallway.
I rolled the dumbbells into the classroom and Mr. Teacher raised his eyebrows. He didn’t ask anything, though, and I rolled them all the way to the other side of the room before handing him my detention slip and looking out over the classroom.
My heart must have stopped because I lost my balance and nearly tripped over nothing. The girl with the brown hair was sitting down in the first row, writing furiously into her notebook. She paused for a second and turned to look at me. I extended my hand and started walking towards her.
“Hi, my name’s—”
“Don’t talk to me,” she cut me off, looking back at her notebook and continuing her writing. I dropped my hand and backed away from her. Well, that was a fantastic start.
I decided to try again some other time, turning to my dumbbells and placing my forehead on the wall. Mr. Teacher looked at me as I bent to retrieve the weights.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Punishment. My mom’s way of keeping me occupied in detention,” I answered, lifting the weights one by one. Sure enough, he started laughing.

Overall it was ok. I didnt really understand a little of it I'll be honest. But it has great potential dont give up what ever you do. you are talented.

diaHavez wrote:“I dont think you want this to be in quotation markd.Large globs of melting chocolate ice cream dripped over my hand and I tried to lick it up as fast as I could.comma and lower case I It didn’t work. The sweltering heat from the large sun overhead caused me to sweat and I instinctively brought my hand to my face to wipe it off. Yes, the sweat was gone commabut then I had ice cream on my face. The new kidget rid of named and make it 'The new kid, Tommy, came over and... named Tommy came over and grabbed my forearm steadily.
“‘Stay still,’why are you using ' marks? he said in the most serious voice a six year old boy could use. I froze and he leaned in, sticking his tongue out of his mouth and landing it smack down on the lower part of my cheek. Then he slowly licked up the ice cream from my face. After he let go, he smiled at me. I stared at him. He continued to smile. And then I wiped off his saliva from my cheek and tried to stay away from him as much as I could. It was impossible, because only ten years later, I fell in love with him.”
The lights in the room slowly turned on and the class started to applaud. The girl who just read her short story with a cliffhanger returned to her seat and I stared at her. She had dark brown hair, not the kind of brown that made you think it was black, but the kind of brown that was actually brown and it could never be mistaken for anything else, ever. She wore her hair in a high ponytail with a red ribbon tied around it. She was white; no doubt about it, but it looked like she tried hard to keep herself a color that was tinted with a nice shade of brown and pink. Her eyes were big, like the mirrors in the convenience stores. Exceptcomma her eyes were brown. A nice kind of brown that made your heart constrict and then bulge a thousand times bigger. She came off as sweet. But she also came off as alone. She wouldn’t talk to anybody and nobody would talk to her. Leave me alone, that’s what she was saying when she turned her head away from you and started doodling in her notebook. I would know, she’d done it to me plenty of times since I’d enrolled in school the week before.
“Rayce?”
I turned to look at the teacher, caught off guard. Had he seen me staring at her? That would have been embarrassing.
“Yes?” I asked. He stared at me from behind his square glasses. I cringed under the harsh look.
“Your short story?” he asked. I blinked and slid down in my seat.
“I didn’t do it,” I answered in a feeble voice. His gaze became colder and meaner as the seconds ticked by and I was finally starting to think he would turn Glaring at Rayce Valterra into an Olympic sport when he turned around and wrote my name on the board. Detention. Fantastic.
A few snickers were heard from the class and I slid farther down in my chair. I may have gotten away from being ridiculed because my mom was the Assistant Principal and girls had a thing for fighting over me, but that didn’t mean I could stay away from it forever. I made too many mistakes and blunders for me to not be made fun of.
The class went on for about ten more minutes before the bell rang and we were released to go to our last class. In my case:not : make it a comma or a ; gym.
I gathered up my stuff and swung my backpack over my shoulder, noticing that the girl with the brown hair only carried a notebook and her math book. comma not periodShe must not like backpacks. I watched her leave the room before I snapped out of my trance and walked up to Mr. Teacher’s desk. No, I didn’t know his name. I also would not learn it seeing as I could care less what his name was. It was only a year that I would be there so why bother?
“Today, afterschool,” he said to me, “I don’t think your mother will mind.” I took the pink detention slip from him and turned away towards to the door.
“Don’t you worry, I’ll tell her,” I said over my shoulder. He didn’t respond and by the time I made it to the front office, I was sure he was going to get a kick out of this afternoon.
When I entered the front office, the secretary, Mrs. Gainell, smiled at me.
“Your mom’s out for a few minutes, do you want to stay and wait for her or leave a message or something?” she asked. Too happy, those were the words that always entered my mind whenever I saw her. Also, too young. She must have been about twenty five years old with glossy black hair and (I have to say this)delete I have to say this in () put in in commas like and, I have to say this, a rockin body...see? a rockin’ body.
“I’ll just leave a message,” I replied, “I got detention for English this afternoon after school. I’ll meet her outside his classroom.” She wrote down my message on a post-it and smiled even wider at me.
“Do you need a pass for class?” she asked. The bell rang right on cue.
“No, I’m good. I have gym,” I said, already turning to leave. She started to type on her computer and I left the office, heading down the hallway for the drinking fountain. When I arrived to my destination, I realized that there were two people making out just beyond the fountain and I decided to just go to class when the girl saw me and pushed on the guy she was kissing.
"Go to class, Lenny,” she said, a little breathless. He looked up at her with a confused expression and I quickly realized who these two kids were. The girl was Adriana Lemus, the most annoying and promiscuous girl I had ever met. The boy was Lenny Nerice, our school mascot. He was half Asian and half who the hell knew what else. He was weird. Then again, Adriana made out with anything that had a heartbeat. Except me. No.
“What?” he asked. She looked at him again and pushed on him.
“Go to class, Len-nyyy,” she enunciated all the words. He grabbed his backpack and scoffed at her as he turned to get to seventh period. I stopped where I was and waited for Adriana to saunter over to me and try to convince me to be her boyfriend. For the fourth time.
She composed herself, pushing her dark red hair back with one hand while adjusting the lip gloss that got on her cheek with the other, and sashayed her way to me, making sure I saw all her curves go the extra distance. Her stiletto pumps, at least I thought they were pumps, made loud clicking noises with every step she took. It took a full minute for her to close the distance.
“Rayce,” she said, running her hand down my chest and stopping just before my crotch. She looked down and giggled before pulling her hand away from me. “Why don’t you skip class and we can….hang out?” she asked in what I guess she thought was a seductive voice. It was only delete onlyannoying.
“I’m straight,” I said. She looked at me with the same confused expression Lenny gave her a few minutes before.
“What?”
“It means that I’m good, I’m gonna go to class,” I answered. She looked up at me and made a face. Not a very attractive one, either.
“Are you sure?” she asked, leaning into me, “Cause I could really use the company.” She batted her eyes at me and I forced myself not to throw up.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said, easing myself away from her and leaving her in the hallway. I heard her huff in anger before I exited out the doors to the outside quad. She has a bet against her best friend, Tawny Issane, about who would get to make out with me first. I felt bad that they’d lose because I would never make out with either of them.
As I entered the locker room, I heard Coach Kreeli yelling at the boys to hurry up and get to the basketball courts. I ran to my locker, pulling off my jeans and stuffing them in the small compartment. I always wore my shorts under my jeans for easier access.
After, I pulled off my shirt and threw it in with my shorts only to realize that Jayden Lore was staring at me. I turned to look at him and he quickly blushed before looking away from me. The guys around me started mumbling some very inappropriate suggestions for him to do that only made him turn beet red. I rolled my eyes and pulled on my gym shirt before closing my locker and sliding to sit next to Jayden.
“Listen, I know you should be the one apologizing to me because you were staring,” I started, looking at his face turn extremely worried, “But if I hadn’t been so surprised then the guys wouldn’t have started to say all that shit so I’m sorry. I know you have a different preference than most of us here but that’s not a reason for everyone to make fun of you. Also, could you stop staring at me in such an obvious manner? It’s really awkward.” He nodded and I shook my head in disbelief, not only girls but guys liked me. Yes, it was weird.
Gym passed by in a blur of running, sweat, a lot of profanity, some threats, and a huge adrenaline rush. In other words: a lot of fun. It ended too soon, though. Coach Kreeli called us in and we went back, hitting the showers and changing back into our clothes. I’d just finished pulling my regular shirt over my head when the bell rang. It sort of sucked that school days lasted longer for me on account of the detention I got for not doing my homework.
On my way to returning to my English classroom, Tawny Issane waved at me and tried to catch up but I forced my way through the throng of people and into the boy’s restroom. I walked over to the mirrors and looked at myself; scared to death of what could have been another encounter with one of the school’s most annoying girls. A guy with tattoos up and down his arms walked into the bathroom, went up to the mirror next to me, and broke it in half. I stepped back in shock as he hit it again and took a large shard of it outside with him. There were some screams and then teachers were yelling for campus monitors and the students were chanting Fight! Fight! Fight!
I shook my head and headed out of the bathroom, seeing the scuffle being torn apart by Principal Charlee and Coach Kreeli. The students quickly dispersed and the hallway was suddenly quiet and lonely. I made my way to my English classroom and saw Ms. Valterra standing outside the door with twenty pound dumbbells next to her. Did I say Ms. Valterra? I meant my mom.
“Hurry, Rayce,” she said, “I have business to get to.” She handed me a slip and I signed it on the fifth blank line. She took the paper and pointed at the dumbbells. “I got the next ones because you’re doing the fifteens too easily.” I looked down and grimaced. “I’ll come and pick you up after detention, alright?” She kissed my forehead and left me standing in the hallway.
I rolled the dumbbells into the classroom and Mr. Teacher raised his eyebrows. He didn’t ask anything, though, and I rolled them all the way to the other side of the room before handing him my detention slip and looking out over the classroom.
My heart must have stopped because I lost my balance and nearly tripped over nothing. The girl with the brown hair was sitting down in the first row, writing furiously into her notebook. She paused for a second and turned to look at me. I extended my hand and started walking towards her.
“Hi, my name’s—”
“Don’t talk to me,” she cut me off, looking back at her notebook and continuing her writing. I dropped my hand and backed away from her. Well, that was a fantastic start.
I decided to try again some other time, turning to my dumbbells and placing my forehead on the wall. Mr. Teacher looked at me as I bent to retrieve the weights.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Punishment. My mom’s way of keeping me occupied in detention,” I answered, lifting the weights one by one. Sure enough, he started laughing.

Overall it was ok. I didnt really understand a little of it I'll be honest. But it has great potential dont give up what ever you do. you are talented.

diaHavez wrote:“I dont think you want this to be in quotation markd.Large globs of melting chocolate ice cream dripped over my hand and I tried to lick it up as fast as I could.comma and lower case I It didn’t work. The sweltering heat from the large sun overhead caused me to sweat and I instinctively brought my hand to my face to wipe it off. Yes, the sweat was gone commabut then I had ice cream on my face. The new kidget rid of named and make it 'The new kid, Tommy, came over and... named Tommy came over and grabbed my forearm steadily.
“‘Stay still,’why are you using ' marks? he said in the most serious voice a six year old boy could use. I froze and he leaned in, sticking his tongue out of his mouth and landing it smack down on the lower part of my cheek. Then he slowly licked up the ice cream from my face. After he let go, he smiled at me. I stared at him. He continued to smile. And then I wiped off his saliva from my cheek and tried to stay away from him as much as I could. It was impossible, because only ten years later, I fell in love with him.”
The lights in the room slowly turned on and the class started to applaud. The girl who just read her short story with a cliffhanger returned to her seat and I stared at her. She had dark brown hair, not the kind of brown that made you think it was black, but the kind of brown that was actually brown and it could never be mistaken for anything else, ever. She wore her hair in a high ponytail with a red ribbon tied around it. She was white; no doubt about it, but it looked like she tried hard to keep herself a color that was tinted with a nice shade of brown and pink. Her eyes were big, like the mirrors in the convenience stores. Exceptcomma her eyes were brown. A nice kind of brown that made your heart constrict and then bulge a thousand times bigger. She came off as sweet. But she also came off as alone. She wouldn’t talk to anybody and nobody would talk to her. Leave me alone, that’s what she was saying when she turned her head away from you and started doodling in her notebook. I would know, she’d done it to me plenty of times since I’d enrolled in school the week before.
“Rayce?”
I turned to look at the teacher, caught off guard. Had he seen me staring at her? That would have been embarrassing.
“Yes?” I asked. He stared at me from behind his square glasses. I cringed under the harsh look.
“Your short story?” he asked. I blinked and slid down in my seat.
“I didn’t do it,” I answered in a feeble voice. His gaze became colder and meaner as the seconds ticked by and I was finally starting to think he would turn Glaring at Rayce Valterra into an Olympic sport when he turned around and wrote my name on the board. Detention. Fantastic.
A few snickers were heard from the class and I slid farther down in my chair. I may have gotten away from being ridiculed because my mom was the Assistant Principal and girls had a thing for fighting over me, but that didn’t mean I could stay away from it forever. I made too many mistakes and blunders for me to not be made fun of.
The class went on for about ten more minutes before the bell rang and we were released to go to our last class. In my case:not : make it a comma or a ; gym.
I gathered up my stuff and swung my backpack over my shoulder, noticing that the girl with the brown hair only carried a notebook and her math book. comma not periodShe must not like backpacks. I watched her leave the room before I snapped out of my trance and walked up to Mr. Teacher’s desk. No, I didn’t know his name. I also would not learn it seeing as I could care less what his name was. It was only a year that I would be there so why bother?
“Today, afterschool,” he said to me, “I don’t think your mother will mind.” I took the pink detention slip from him and turned away towards to the door.
“Don’t you worry, I’ll tell her,” I said over my shoulder. He didn’t respond and by the time I made it to the front office, I was sure he was going to get a kick out of this afternoon.
When I entered the front office, the secretary, Mrs. Gainell, smiled at me.
“Your mom’s out for a few minutes, do you want to stay and wait for her or leave a message or something?” she asked. Too happy, those were the words that always entered my mind whenever I saw her. Also, too young. She must have been about twenty five years old with glossy black hair and (I have to say this)delete I have to say this in () put in in commas like and, I have to say this, a rockin body...see? a rockin’ body.
“I’ll just leave a message,” I replied, “I got detention for English this afternoon after school. I’ll meet her outside his classroom.” She wrote down my message on a post-it and smiled even wider at me.
“Do you need a pass for class?” she asked. The bell rang right on cue.
“No, I’m good. I have gym,” I said, already turning to leave. She started to type on her computer and I left the office, heading down the hallway for the drinking fountain. When I arrived to my destination, I realized that there were two people making out just beyond the fountain and I decided to just go to class when the girl saw me and pushed on the guy she was kissing.
"Go to class, Lenny,” she said, a little breathless. He looked up at her with a confused expression and I quickly realized who these two kids were. The girl was Adriana Lemus, the most annoying and promiscuous girl I had ever met. The boy was Lenny Nerice, our school mascot. He was half Asian and half who the hell knew what else. He was weird. Then again, Adriana made out with anything that had a heartbeat. Except me. No.
“What?” he asked. She looked at him again and pushed on him.
“Go to class, Len-nyyy,” she enunciated all the words. He grabbed his backpack and scoffed at her as he turned to get to seventh period. I stopped where I was and waited for Adriana to saunter over to me and try to convince me to be her boyfriend. For the fourth time.
She composed herself, pushing her dark red hair back with one hand while adjusting the lip gloss that got on her cheek with the other, and sashayed her way to me, making sure I saw all her curves go the extra distance. Her stiletto pumps, at least I thought they were pumps, made loud clicking noises with every step she took. It took a full minute for her to close the distance.
“Rayce,” she said, running her hand down my chest and stopping just before my crotch. She looked down and giggled before pulling her hand away from me. “Why don’t you skip class and we can….hang out?” she asked in what I guess she thought was a seductive voice. It was only delete onlyannoying.
“I’m straight,” I said. She looked at me with the same confused expression Lenny gave her a few minutes before.
“What?”
“It means that I’m good, I’m gonna go to class,” I answered. She looked up at me and made a face. Not a very attractive one, either.
“Are you sure?” she asked, leaning into me, “Cause I could really use the company.” She batted her eyes at me and I forced myself not to throw up.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said, easing myself away from her and leaving her in the hallway. I heard her huff in anger before I exited out the doors to the outside quad. She has a bet against her best friend, Tawny Issane, about who would get to make out with me first. I felt bad that they’d lose because I would never make out with either of them.
As I entered the locker room, I heard Coach Kreeli yelling at the boys to hurry up and get to the basketball courts. I ran to my locker, pulling off my jeans and stuffing them in the small compartment. I always wore my shorts under my jeans for easier access.
After, I pulled off my shirt and threw it in with my shorts only to realize that Jayden Lore was staring at me. I turned to look at him and he quickly blushed before looking away from me. The guys around me started mumbling some very inappropriate suggestions for him to do that only made him turn beet red. I rolled my eyes and pulled on my gym shirt before closing my locker and sliding to sit next to Jayden.
“Listen, I know you should be the one apologizing to me because you were staring,” I started, looking at his face turn extremely worried, “But if I hadn’t been so surprised then the guys wouldn’t have started to say all that shit so I’m sorry. I know you have a different preference than most of us here but that’s not a reason for everyone to make fun of you. Also, could you stop staring at me in such an obvious manner? It’s really awkward.” He nodded and I shook my head in disbelief, not only girls but guys liked me. Yes, it was weird.
Gym passed by in a blur of running, sweat, a lot of profanity, some threats, and a huge adrenaline rush. In other words: a lot of fun. It ended too soon, though. Coach Kreeli called us in and we went back, hitting the showers and changing back into our clothes. I’d just finished pulling my regular shirt over my head when the bell rang. It sort of sucked that school days lasted longer for me on account of the detention I got for not doing my homework.
On my way to returning to my English classroom, Tawny Issane waved at me and tried to catch up but I forced my way through the throng of people and into the boy’s restroom. I walked over to the mirrors and looked at myself; scared to death of what could have been another encounter with one of the school’s most annoying girls. A guy with tattoos up and down his arms walked into the bathroom, went up to the mirror next to me, and broke it in half. I stepped back in shock as he hit it again and took a large shard of it outside with him. There were some screams and then teachers were yelling for campus monitors and the students were chanting Fight! Fight! Fight!
I shook my head and headed out of the bathroom, seeing the scuffle being torn apart by Principal Charlee and Coach Kreeli. The students quickly dispersed and the hallway was suddenly quiet and lonely. I made my way to my English classroom and saw Ms. Valterra standing outside the door with twenty pound dumbbells next to her. Did I say Ms. Valterra? I meant my mom.
“Hurry, Rayce,” she said, “I have business to get to.” She handed me a slip and I signed it on the fifth blank line. She took the paper and pointed at the dumbbells. “I got the next ones because you’re doing the fifteens too easily.” I looked down and grimaced. “I’ll come and pick you up after detention, alright?” She kissed my forehead and left me standing in the hallway.
I rolled the dumbbells into the classroom and Mr. Teacher raised his eyebrows. He didn’t ask anything, though, and I rolled them all the way to the other side of the room before handing him my detention slip and looking out over the classroom.
My heart must have stopped because I lost my balance and nearly tripped over nothing. The girl with the brown hair was sitting down in the first row, writing furiously into her notebook. She paused for a second and turned to look at me. I extended my hand and started walking towards her.
“Hi, my name’s—”
“Don’t talk to me,” she cut me off, looking back at her notebook and continuing her writing. I dropped my hand and backed away from her. Well, that was a fantastic start.
I decided to try again some other time, turning to my dumbbells and placing my forehead on the wall. Mr. Teacher looked at me as I bent to retrieve the weights.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Punishment. My mom’s way of keeping me occupied in detention,” I answered, lifting the weights one by one. Sure enough, he started laughing.

Overall it was ok. I didnt really understand a little of it I'll be honest. But it has great potential dont give up what ever you do. you are talented.

no offence but i was a little bored. But i have confidence that it will get better. I love your detail and your flow though you seem to have a grasp on things. So maybe have something interesting to draw the reader in so they will want to read more other than that i really like your peice