Your devil is my lover

Hope everyone likes this not my best work br I like the idea of this.
ENJOY!


Your devil is my lover,
A love that makes one wonder
Why it is.
 
I look inside
Myself.
Realize I'll loose
Myself.
All for his cause.

He will laugh when he 
Smites you
I will watch when he
Rapes you.

Corruption my mistress
Cruelty that remains tasteless.
I will follow my heart
He'll just thirst for my tit.

Be amazed at our lovin
Never to be unwoven.

Nothing like love 
Except for sweet lust.

Till that is 
He's bores of me.
I will be tossed out
Doomed to fade away.

Until that day
I shall bask in his
Arms
Before I will be
Harmed.

I shall weep
In the memory
Of when 
Your devil was my lover.

First, this should be rated at the least +16. Other than that, this poem was walking the line of good or bad clumsily. Sometimes stepping to one side or the other. The whole poem feels forced, like you put to much effort in shoving the words together. It doesn't flow as well as it should have. I think if you changed some of the words it could be a 'beautiful nightmare' type of thing but right now it's more of a gruesome tale of a stupid girl who got with a jackass.


Your devil is my lover .
A love that makes one wonder,
Why it is?

I look inside-
Myself.
Realize I'll loose-
Myself.
At the hands of your monster.

He will laugh when he
Smites you
I will watch when he
Rapes you.
He will laugh while he rapes you.
I'll watch while he takes you.


Corruption my mistress
Cruelty that remains tasteless.
I will follow my heart
He'll thirst for my part,
In his game of destruction.

Be amazed at our lovin
Never to be unwoven.

Nothing like love
Except for sweet lust.

Till that is
He's bores of me.
I will be tossed out
Doomed to fade away.

Until that day
I shall bask in his
Arms
Before I will be
Harmed.

I shall weep
In the memory
Of when
Your devil was my lover.

The rest is decent but I think if you took more time with it it would work better. You definitely have talent I just feel like this one was rushed. I really do look forward to reading more from you.

Much luck and love,
XOChange

Maki-Chan wrote:Hope everyone likes this not my best work br I like the idea of this.
ENJOY!


Your devil is my lover,
A love that makes one wonder
Why it is.This is very straight foward, you should put more into that devil theme. Like: Your devil is my lover, indulgence makes me wonder, why can your love be bought? Something like that, that gives a theme and more depth to the lines.
 
I look inside
Myself.How? In what ways and aspects do you look inside yourself for? Constent comparasons can give poems multiple meanings but it will make them harder to interpret. It takes practice. I am more than willing to help you, if you wish.
Realize I'll loose You should say realising, to keep it in the same wording. In the same tense, it's implying future tense and the last two lines were present tense. You should fix that. And you should also should change the wording, again to be less straight foward and give it the depth that makes it interesting and a puzzle to figure out. But not a massive jigsaw. You know?
Myself.
All for his cause. You should keep this line, if you choose to rewrite the above lines in this stanza, it would give you a bring back to reality, that would help make your ideas easier to connect for us.

He will laugh when he 
Smites you
I will watch when he[b] I like this a lot more, because it shows more action to what is happening outside of your mind and it gives us stuff to figure out.
Rapes you.

Corruption my mistressSo that demon was corruption? Cool.
Cruelty that remains tasteless. So it's boring? Lol
I will follow my heart
He'll just thirst for my tit.

Be amazed at our lovin
Never to be unwoven.Erm, Alright, you really need to rewrite this line. It sounds like you're trying to show off, why are you showing this off? That's only the first line. The second line, it's more usless. It only serves as transition to the next stanza. But you can easily redo that too. Like: Our love is like that of the shadowy god, never to be faded, in light or in darkness. Or something like that, that gives it more depth, you know?

Nothing like love 
Except for sweet lust. I like how it goes back to the playfully sinful tone. I like this stanza.

Till that is Till that is, he's bores of me? Bored of you, first of all. And make it, this is, till he's bored of me. That is less awkward and it's easier on the reader. 
He's bores of me.
I will be tossed out
Doomed to fade away. Fade away like what? how? Give us a metaphor or simile to hold on to.

Until that day
I shall bask in his
Arms
Before I will be Wow, just end it already. You're beginning to drag this out. Not good. And you can summ this stanza up in: Until I am "safe" in his damaging arms. Something like that.
Harmed.

I shall weep
In the memory
Of when 
Your devil was my lover. You were very straight foward during most of this poem. You should really try being more ambiguous. like I said earlier.

All in all, I like the devil's aspect to it, I dislike the love element to it, but that is just me being biased.

If you have any questions, PM me.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

Looks like XChangeX and sliented1 had covered most of the reviews part. The tittle kind of bothered me. Anyway, just keep on writing to improve your writings.

Good luck and keep writing,

Alicia.