Here it comes again

Exhausting and sleepless
here comes the illness
to take away control
to allow the reckless storm to dance

here comes death, the desire for it
for an allied sweet escape
it blames and judges
this sickness is cruel
it surges deeply wounding
always fleeting, never fair
darkness rules in nightmarish sleep

slipping again
tumbling silently into abyss
falling, screaming mutely
I will fall forever

This is a very good poem. I loved the drama and subject matter.
That said, I think you should review your punctuation.

Exhausting and sleepless,
Here comes the illness,
to take away control,
to allow the reckless storm to dance.

Here comes death, the desire for it-
for an allied sweet escape.
it blames and judges;
this sickness is cruel
it surges deeply, wounding,
always fleeting, never fair.
Darkness rules in nightmarish sleep.

Slipping again,
tumbling silently into abyss
falling, screaming mutely
I will fall forever

Hope this helps!

Hi there RhaniGrace!

I see you're a New Member to YWS. Welcome! If you have something to ask, come and ask me, I'll be happy to help! This is also my first time reviewing your work, so I'll be as nice as possible.

It was pretty good for one of your first posts. The drama was good and the concept behind it was good too. I think if you dwell a bit more on the sickness consuming your mind and make the poem somewhat darker, it would be better. Also try to use a capital letter at the beginning of each stanza. But I love the last line of the poem. Great ending!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Dear RhaniGrace,
Hello there this evening, my name is The Written Chef and others have started to call me just plain o' 'The Chef.' I have the pleasure of reviewing your work today. To start off let me say that poetry isn't my usual cup of tea, however, this cup was well blended.

I can tell from your first stanza, or at least I'm led to believe, that you are embarking on scheme of 'temper' oriented emotions. The sickness for me represents Anger or Agression of something.

In the second stanza I realized you took it to a much darker choice of illness, thus refering to your illusion of harshness or the act of killing. Then after taking a second glance, I believe you approached it otherwise. For example: "for an allied sweet escape, it blames and judges" struck a bell within me saying that this might be alluding to depression or the act of hurting ones self to end this 'so called exhaustion.' Very interesting. By far my favorite stanza.

The last stanza I think should connect with everyone on a certain basis. It resembles the undying need to be 'heard' more or less to have attention. And the fact that with out it you crumble or "fall forever" like you mention. Because the realization is that the pain is so deep, for whatever part, that its an endless array of "tumbling into the abyss."

This overall was a very good poem, short and to the point which I think most people will enjoy. It has a message if one is to delve deep into it, but on the other note it can be taken into lots of directions: depending on the person and what mood they might be in. Congratulations on something well written, and I look forward to seeing more of your work on the leader board here.

Sincerely,
The Written Chef