Love after you

You said you liked me
and I liked you too.
Everything you told me
made all my dreams comes true.

You told me everything I wanted to hear,
and your beautiful smile
made all my worries disappear.
You made my heart go the mile.

Your words, I cherished,
kept close to my heart
hoping our love would would never parish,
that we never be apart.

But that one cold, sunless day
the most unbearable thing.
I couldn't believe you threw our love away,
like it was nothing more than a loose string.

The number of days I cried,
my feelings never changed.
I realized that you lied,
cause you never felt the same.

And now I lay here broken,
not knowing what to do.
Don't want to hear the words spoken,
'Cause I can't stand to think of you.

I thought you were the one
but, clearly i was wrong.
You can't undo the hurt you've done
but, i can forget you, just like an old song

I thought I never love again.
after you, i wasn't as trusting
but, loving him is no sin.
I love him so much my heart feels like busting.

And now my heart is whole
because I know his love is true.
And I know you're feeling low,
'cause you thought i never find [i]love after you[/i].

Hey! Lukan here! I'm going to be reviewing your poem today!
Before I say anything more, I'd like you to know that the idea for this poem is really good. I like that it's easy to relate to. I know you'll here that love poems are cliche, but it's not the topic that counts if you ask me. If it's what your heart is saying, who cares about the rest of the world!

... Sorry, my mind is getting away from me again. Onto your poem!

AngelMarie wrote:You said you liked me,
and I liked you, too.
Everything you told me
made all my dreams comes true.

You told me everything I wanted to hear,
and your beautiful smile
made all my worries disappear.
You made my heart go the mile.

Your words, I cherished,
kept close to my heart
hoping our love would would never parish,<-- Extra would
that we never be apart. <-- Missing would.

But that one cold, sunless day,
the most unbearable thing.
I couldn't believe you threw our love away,
like it was nothing more than a loose string.

The number of days I cried,
my feelings never changed.
I realized that you lied,
because you never felt the same.You should always use full words here. "cause" instead of "because" is slang. Unless your poem is meant to sound that way, you shouldn't use slang words.

And now I lay here broken,
not knowing what to do.
Don't want to hear the words spoken,
'Cause I can't stand to think of you.Again, you need to use "Because" here.

I thought you were the one
but, clearly i was wrong.
You can't undo the hurt you've done
but, i can forget you, just like an old song

I thought I never love again.I'd
after you, i wasn't as trustingCapital "I"
but, loving him is no sin.
I love him so much my heart feels like busting.

And now my heart is whole
because I know his love is true.
And I know you're feeling low,
'cause you thought i never find [i]love after you[/i]. Capital "I'd"

You had quite a few grammar mistakes, and that can take away from the poem much more than you may think. Above, you'll see that I've corrected the mistakes I immediately saw.

Now onto other things...

* Rhythm and Rhyme *

And now I lay here broken,
not knowing what to do.
Don't want to hear the words spoken,
'Cause I can't stand to think of you.

This stanza has pretty good rhythm and syllable count, but the last two lines are a bit... Off. It would sound better if you were to say "I don't want to hear the words spoken, because I can't stand to think of you."
One other thing about this stanza: I'm not understanding the "words spoken" part, and how it relates to thinking of "you". What words? How do they make you think of this person? You should straighten that out, or take this part out.

I thought I never love again.
after you, i wasn't as trusting
but, loving him is no sin.
I love him so much my heart feels like busting.

This stanza really threw me off. Firstly, you need to make sure that you use the word you mean to put. (i.e.: If you mean to say "I'd" make sure you actually say "I'd") And your syllable count here really throws the rhythm off. You're syllables are: 8, 9, 7, 11. The first three lines aren't horrible, because they are close... But the first should be one syllable longer, just to smooth out the flow. The third line could stay as it is, but something must be done about that third line! With so many syllables and short words, it sounds extremely long and tedious. It's out of place. You really don't need the "I love him so much..." You could get away with "Oh! My heart feels like busting." The meaning would be close to the same, and the syllable count would then be 7, like the line above.

You told me everything I wanted to hear,
and your beautiful smile
made all my worries disappear.
You made my heart go the mile.

This stanza is okay. The first three lines are actually great! It's simple and easy to connect to. But the last line is where it goes downhill... You could get rid of this line altogether, and the stanza would have the same meaning. The stanza already has enough syllables to survive without the last line. You used it only to complete your rhyme scheme. Remember, a poem doesn't have to rhyme, or have rhythm. Don't bury yourself into your pattern so that it limits you. Let it come from your heart, not from your mind.


Altogether, this could use some work, but the idea behind it is great! I hope something I said here helped! Keep Writing!
~Lukan~

thank you so much for your wonderful help!
I don't usually write poetry so I'm not the best. haha but i really appreciate your critique, and it will help me if i ever decide to write more, which very well may happen. I will soon post two more poems that i have recently written, they're not great but that's my reasoning behind posting them, to get better. thanks again fro your help! (: