The Thought of a begining

"Nothing could be more beautiful than pure gold-
Nothing more pristine as night falls-
For the rare sight never grows old-
The sad thought that it's only a moment-
The provoking question of when will it end-
You forget what it meant-
When day starts to bend-
The waking hours are too early-
For a clouded mind-
The color is purely-
To pass a message, the kind-
That mountains hide in late evening-
That Stars despise-
The thought of a beginning-
The sight of a sunrise."

(Apparently people have been ignoring the answer I gave to "Why the dash?")
A) I wrote this originally on a text so you couldn't see where one thought started and another ended.
B) I enjoy the way Emily Dickinson writes her poetry (with dashes).
Thanks for you review.

Hi Berlynn Rae! This is a nice poem you have here, and some outstanding imagery, but it definitely needs some work. Let's start from the top.

BerlynnRae wrote:"Nothing could be more beautiful than pure gold-

Why the quotation mark? If nobody is talking, and if you aren't referring to a short work of literature, no quotation marks are necessary.

BerlynnRae wrote:Nothing more pristine as night falls-
For the rare sight never grows old-
The sad thought that it's only a moment-
The provoking question of 'when will it end?'

I changed "its" to "it's." It's a tricky case with "its" and "it's." This is probably one of the only times in grammar when you should forget every other rule you've learned. The possessive form of "it" does not have an apostrophe, whereas the contraction form does.

I also placed quotation marks around, "When will it end?" because of the way you phrased it. You could either write, "When will it end?" with quotation marks, or rephrase it as:

The provoking question of when it will end.

See the difference?

BerlynnRae wrote:You forget what it meant-
When day starts to bend-
The waking hours are too early-
For a clouded mind-
The color is purely-
To pass a message, the kind-
That mountains hide in late evening-
That Stars despise-
The thought of a beginning-
The sight of a sunrise."

Ooh, what a nice end to a poem! As you can see, I changed "to" to "too." "Too" means 'to an excessive extent,' and I'm quite sure that's the way in which you meant to use it. After all, you aren't comparing the waking hours to early, are you?

May I ask why you have placed the dash at the end of each line? I could see how you may have wanted to split it up a bit, but that's why you hit the Enter key at certain intervals when you were typing it up.

Now, I know I'm being a nag, but I have just one more bit of advice for you: try breaking this up into smaller sentences. Maybe consider periods or semicolons for punctuation, because even in poetry, the reader may tire of trying to wrap his mind around the subject(s) and predicate(s) of one excrutiatingly long collection of words.

I hope this helps!

- Abigail

Thanks and there are two reasons for the dash
A) I wrote this originally on a text so you couldn't see where one thought started and another ended.
B) I enjoy the way Emily Dickinson writes her poetry (with dashes).
Thanks for you review it really helped.

Hey, Aspiring Author here-

Well, you have some outstanding imagery here, but the poem definitely needs some work. For instance, what is with the dashes? Usually, commas are placed at the end of a line of poetry.

When you are speaking of pure gold and the pristine image of the night, the ending should not give you aggravation, it should give you happiness, and you should be grateful of the opportunity to watch. That it just my personal opinion.

Also, why do you have quotation marks? These are only neccessary when you are quoting another author, or another pièce of littérature. Other than that, great job ! I really liked this piece of work ! ☺

~Lindsay
"Keep your feet on the ground, and your thoughts at lofty heights."