Love seeketh not Itself to please, Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives it ease,
and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.
~Blake, William
But for another gives it ease,
and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.
~Blake, William
~~~
I twirled the spoon around the ice cubes in the sweating glass. Peering out the kitchen window, Luke was mowing the lawn again. His shirt off…
In all honesty, I tried not to be bothered by it. His body, eyes, voice, and touch. However here I was, staring without him noticing like some psycho perverted sister. He stopped, wiping the sweat off his forehead with his shirt that was tucked into his khaki shorts. Taking a step back from the red grass eater, he turned and spotted me.
I shied away, looking down and pretended to be ever so interested in the iced tea I was making for him. A few seconds later, the door opened and he walked in. Inhaling the scent of freshly cut grass and sweat, I gulped.
“Is that for me?” he asked, leaning on the counter.
Raising the cup to him, I nodded, flashing my eyes on his hard body. God, I hated myself.
“Thanks, munchkin,” he said with a smirk, putting the rim to his mouth.
“Stop calling me munchkin,” I retorted.
“Why?”
“It’s so childish, and I’m not a kid. I am a woman.”
He let out a laugh. “You, a woman? That’s funny; all I see is a short six year-old.” He ruffled my hair.
I tried to think of name I could call him but failed. Instead, I switched the subject. “I can’t believe mom’s making you cut the grass when it’s your birthday,” I mumbled.
“The last time I cut it was months ago,” he shrugged. “I don’t mind. I need to do something.”
I frowned. “You always do favors for her, don’t you?”
“She’s the mom. I have to do it.”
I crossed my arms and looked at him. “So, what do you want for your eighteenth birthday?” I asked. It wasn’t the first time I asked, I had been bugging him all week about it but I always got the same response. By now, I had already brought him a gift but I still wanted to know what he wanted. Luke’s birthday was today, actually, he explained to me that he didn’t know when his real birthday was, so the orphanage just gave him a date according to the day he entered the orphanage. I couldn’t help but feel that it was sad day, not something worth celebrating at all.
“Well, I actually wish I didn’t have such an annoying, pestering sister like you,” he replied with a smile.
“That’s mean,” I pouted angrily, “seriously.” I knew he was teasing me and to my disgrace, I enjoyed it.
He turned around. “I don’t need anything,” he said, setting the cup in the sink and walking towards the living room. He spun around and pointed at finger at me. “No…celebration either.” He narrowed his eyes.
Without consent, my eyes pondered down his waist, where his shorts hung to the point where I could see the tips of his boxers. I grit my teeth and spun around, grabbing the edge of the counter and smacking my head down. Not him! Out of everyone, not him!
I went back to my room, grabbed a pillow and bit the ends of it. Luke was driving me insane, pulling me down into the darkest depths of the ocean to the point where I was struggling for air but couldn’t exactly die. I told myself a thousand times it was just a psychical attraction, which would be brief. Of course I was lying; he had me head over heels, whispering in my ear during movies, holding my hand when we tried to move through the crowded hallways at school, teasing me, laughing with me and talking with me like we were more than…just that.
I shut my eyes, trying to calm my possessed heart. It’s wrong. Totally, without a doubt, wrong!, I told myself. When my heart refused to quite down, I thought how disturbed I was to think such things of my brother. How would people look at us? How could I face myself? It was then, my heart finally silenced and I took in a breath. I needed a scapegoat, someone who could get my eyes off of Luke and back into reality.
~~~
“Happy birthday, dear Lucas, happy birthday to you,” Mom and I sang. I lifted one of those cheesy whistles to my lips and blew, letting out a terrible sound that mimicked a crying cat.
Luke blinked, staring at us like mad women. The kitchen had the dim lights on and the candles on his round vanilla cake danced, causing slightly moving shadows across the table.
“I didn’t want…” He looked over at our crazy hats and smiling faces and replied, “A celebration.” He flashed his eyes at me and I looked up and away.
“Well, that’s too bad,” Mom replied, with a grin, “it’s your first birthday with us and it must be celebrated with the family!” She clapped her hands together like a child and took out a camera. “Let’s make some memories!”
He let out a groan and walked towards the table. “This is embarrassing, really.”
I pushed the cake towards him. “It’s your favorite, vanilla.”
He met my eyes and I bit my lip, forcing a casual expression and hoping that I wasn’t see-through at the same time. The camera’s flash went off, brightening the room for just a second.
“Blow the candles,” I told him, pointing at the cake.
Putting his hands inside his jeans he leaned over the table.
“Don’t forget to make a wish,” I reminded. And for a concise second, I saw the corner of his lip lift into a smirk before he blew the candles, releasing lines of smoke.
In next the hour, we ate and opened presents. My got him a new iphone, which made me jealous and Luke taunted it in front me, making me smear some cake on his new shirt. Of course he was unhappy so he shoved some cake in my mouth, making me almost choke. Mom scolded him but she laughed anyway. In the end, I saved enough money from working to buy him an expensive…
“A scarf?” he asked, lifting the long wool and studying the pattern of grey colors.
“Since winter’s coming up, I decided to buy you something to stay warm.”
He stared at it, lifting it to his eye level and feeling it. “Looks nice…” he winked at me. “Thanks, munchkin.”
My heart fluttered and I was extremely glad it was still dark otherwise my burning cheeks would have been visible to him.
“Oh, Liliah, that’s so sweet,” Mom cooed.
I shrugged. “I didn’t know what else to get.”
We wrapped the remainder of the day by watching a movie together. Luke kept poking me, making stupid comments and even ruined the entire plot of the movie by predicting what was going to happen. Mom said she wasn’t going to watch movies with Luke anymore. Of course, that was a lie.
Afterward, mom went to bed and Luke and I went back to our rooms. I flicked off the light to my room and just as I was about to crawl in my bed, I heard a shout and something fall on the other side of the wall.
“Aw! Fuucc-!”
I quickly scurried and opened the door to Luke’s room. “You okay?” I asked, taking a step in. Luke was on his bed, looking at his palm with a cringing expression. My eyes darted to the floor where there was shards of glass sprawled across it.
“Don’t move,” he whispered to me. “Otherwise you’ll get hurt. Just get some towels and a broom, I’ll clean it up.”
Luke’s room wasn’t really a room before, it was more of an office so he had hard wood flooring, and of course something could break if it fell. Focusing my gaze on his palm, I saw a streak of blood dripping down his wrist. I gulped. “Luke, you’re hurt. I’ll clean it and get a first aid kit.”
“Liliah-”
It was too late. I already dashed around and went downstairs. Quietly tiptoeing to the kitchen closet, I pulled out a broom and grabbed a towel roll. I slithered back to the stairs, not wanting to wake up Mom since she slept early.
When I got back to the room, Luke wasn’t there but I heard the faucet running in the bathroom nearby. Quickly getting to work, I swept the glass remains and then went down on my knees, cleaning the floor and making sure no pieces were left. After that, I found the first aid kit underneath a shelf in the hallway closet.
Luke came back into the room, stilling holding his palm up. His eyes roamed the floor. “Damn, you’re fast.”
“I have the kit, let me see the cut,” I ordered, ignoring him.
“The bleeding won’t stop…I feel incredibly emo right now,” he laughed, taking a seat next to me.
I took his hand by the wrist and pulled his palm forward towards me. I studying the long red cut, it was thin but deep, causing it to leak blood without rest. I opened up the kit and pulled out a tube. “This should help,” I said, dabbing the ointment onto his warm hand.
A hiss made it out his lips.
“Does it hurt?”
“Mmm, only a little,” he replied.
As bandaged his wound, I snuck a peek at him. His eyes were on mine, completely unmoving and his lips were parted slightly. I tried to dislike the way he was watching me, but I was lying to myself. Hesitantly, I finished wrapping his palm because he was making my heart slowly crescendo.
And then he leaned in, slowly tilting his head and all I could focus on were his lips as they touched mine. He kissed me slowly and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like I was flying, soaring high…breathing. I dropped his hand and he tightened his fingers around my waist, pushing himself against my body.
Our lips, dancing against one another, brought out the demon in me. I wanted it so bad, to love him more than I loved anyone before. My legs wrapped around his waist and his kisses hardened, causing a blistering heat of sensation to envelop me.
Closing my eyes, I wanted to surrender, to forget rules and obligations. To set fire on that label called ‘brother’.
How selfish.
In the darkness of my eyelids, a picture of my mother’s sweet smiling face flashed. I froze. Then shaking my head, I pushed him off of me. “No!”
He quickly lifted himself, his eyes still held the flames of passion but he strictly pulled his hands away. “Liliah…”
“It’s wrong,” I said in a stutter, shaking my head. “It’s a taboo, a sin.”
“But we’re not blood related,” Luke answered in a whisper.
Tear bubbles formed at the corners of my eyes and I covered my mouth. “But mom,” I sobbed. “I can’t.”
Without giving him a chance to say a word, I hastily got up and ran to my room, shutting the door behind me. My back slid against the wooden door as I dropped to the floor. My finger touched my lips and I gave an involuntary shiver.
What have I done?
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