Ever Changing

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The navy black sky shined with millions and millions of stars as I got into Charlie and Melissa’s car. It was sad to think that such a beautiful night like this one was about to be ruined. Beside me sat four suitcases that were filled with my clothes and possessions. Only two months had pasted since they had sent me to this hell hole. Now that I was getting sent back, I knew this was going to go on my record, hopefully scaring away people like these two. Back when they put me here I told Lydia I wasn’t going to last long, but she never listens. I watched as the Faber’s slip into the car and start towards our destination. Silence surrounded us in the dark and leaving everyone feeling awkward. Sighing I reached over to the radio and turned it on a rock station. It was bad enough that they were sending me back so late at night, I wasn’t about to sit in silence and stay bored out of my mind. Melissa didn’t seem to feel the same way as she turns off the radio and twists around to face me. I kind of envy Melissa, she was a very pretty woman. Short, blond hair curved around her heart shaped face and caramel brown eyes. She had high cheek bones, wide large lips, and was skinny as they come. The only part I couldn’t stand was the fact that she always seemed way too cheerful. “Aubrey, honey, I’m sorry, this is getting to be too much for us.” Her voice was gentle, with a hint of sorrow. But her eyes were filled with relief. Who could really blame her? “We have to take you back.”

I shrugged keeping my face neutral. “You have to do, what you have to do.”

Charlie, a tall man with buzzed cut brown hair, tighten his grip on the steering wheel. “We didn’t want it to be this way. You pushed us to it.”

“Hey, I told you back in may that you were taking me in at your own risk.” The words sounded meaningless, like I could care less. A great skill that I had developed over the years. “Don’t be angry with me.”

“You didn’t even give us a chance. Bringing shit like that into my house.” He glanced at me then stared back at the road before muttering. “Ungrateful kid.”

“Charlie!” Melissa practically yelled. “You shouldn’t talk like that.” She leaned in close to Charlie and whispered, “She might have a problem. Who knows what kind of parents she had.”

“I can hear you.” I snapped. I wasn’t some stupid five year old, I could hear every word. “And so what if I do have a problem? Aren’t you suppose to love me no matter what?” Silence. Just as I thought.

Finally Melissa spoke. “Aubrey, I’m sorry, we just can’t handle something like this. It’s not-”

“Me it’s you right?” I sighed once again. God, they better hope their daughter, Hannah, doesn’t get into the crap I’m on. They’d probably have a heart-attack on the spot. “Look, it is what it is. Can we just listen to some music and have a peaceful car ride?” Melissa nodded solemnly and turned the radio back on. “Thank you.” I whispered, resting my head on the window. I stared at the stars until we got to the Lewthwaite orphanage.

The Lewthwaite orphanage was a privately owned orphanage and one of the smallest in Ohio. And as of right now it was lights out. Charlie and Melissa were the first out of the car, while I lingered inside. As much as I hated these people, I really didn’t want to see the look on Lydia’s face. Sheer disappointment. I sighed for the third time tonight and got out, walking towards the only light on in this tiny, building. The office.

When we arrived in the waiting room, Melissa turned and faced me. She plastered a fake smile on her face, yet she can’t look me straight in the eye. “We need you to stay in here while Charlie and I talk to Lydia. Can you do that for me?”

“Do I look like I have a stamp on my forehead that says 'Please be gentle to the five year old?' Yes, I can wait.” I swear I never saw a women run faster to the office door. For the first time tonight I smiled. Sitting down I looked at waiting room, though there was no need. A small, tan room with big black chairs covering on the walls. There’s a coffee table sitting in the middle of the room, with outdated magazines spread out all over. Above all of this are two flat screens. I grabbed a remote and flipped on the TV across from me to Oxygen. A rerun of American’s Next Top Model comes on, but I won’t be out here for long, so I really don’t care whether it’s this or Blue’s Clues. It ended up taking longer than I thought before the couple was out and Lydia was calling my name. “Ah,” I said getting up and stretching. “how time flies when your having fun.”
Last edited by LiveLaughLove on Fri Oct 15, 2010 9:52 pm, edited 11 times in total.
If you look deep enough you will see music; the heart of nature being everywhere music.
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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
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I really felt like this was only okay.
Your description was okay, your beginning alright.
You really are missing something, and not just emotion.

Your whole piece seems devoid of all emotion, which, really, isn't that great. It just sort of seems that your MC is going through life feeling nothing, which could maybe, actually work.

Anyway, keep writing,
~WickedWonder


After rereading

It's getting way better, so good work.
Keep writing
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Hey there! :)

Hmm, I like this, especially the way your main character already has her own distinct personality. It seems like an interesting beginning to a novel. A few small nitpicks:

navy black sky

Okay, so I'm being really picky here, but 'navy' is usually used to desribe blue. So you could either have the navy blue sky, or some other adjective to describe the black.

Only two months had pasted

Do you mean passed? :P

, I knew this was going to go on my record, hopefully scary away people like these two.

Scaring?

You occasionally slip into present tense, for example:
Sighing I reach over to the radio and turn it on a rock station. It was bad enough that they were sending me back so late at night, I wasn’t about to sit in silence and stay bored out of my mind.

It's best to stick with either past or present the whole way through.

I kind a envy Melissa

Kind of? Or if you want it to sound a bit slangy then you could have 'kinda' but it's usually written as one word.

so I really don’t care weather it’s this or Blue’s Clues.

'Whether'. Homophones can be tricky because spell-check doesn't always tell you the right spelling.

I do think that the dialogue between Aubrey and the two adults comes across as somewhat unrealistic in parts. To me their attitude is quite inconsistant in places. At first they're being gentle and patronising, and then almost straight away Charlie switches to making excuses for himself and sounding quite whiny:

“We didn’t want it to be this way. You pushed us to it.”

And then his attitude changes again, to angry:

“You didn’t even give us a chance. Bringing shit like that into my house.”


“Charlie!” Melissa practically screamed. “You shouldn’t talk like that.” She leaned in close and whispered. “She might have a problem. Who noses what kind of parents she had.”

'Knows'? And now Melissa's almost comically furious, and then ignorant and rude. Is it really realisistic for someone to change from gentle to screaming to whispering conspiratorially in the space of a minute? Also, it might be better if you specified that it's Charlie she's whispering to, because it seems at first like she's leaning in to Aubrey.

Overall, I think this is good you could make some improvements character-wise. It feels like you're trying to hard to make the reader dislike Charlie and Melissa. I mean, the narrator's going to be biased since it's from Melissa's POV, but still, they go from unpleasant mood to unpleasant mood so quickly they come across as a little cartoonish and not really realistic as adults. Apart from this I think it's a good beginning, and I really hope you keep going with it.

PM me if you have any questions or anything! :)




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Hey! First, I'm really curious of what will happen next!

I've got some nitpicks too...mostly some little typos.

The words sounded meaningless, like I could care less.

Like she could care less, or like she couldn't?

Glanced at me then stared back at the road before muttering

I believe "my" should be "me"

She leaned in close to Charlie and whispered,she might have a problem. Who knows what kind of parents she had.”

It should be a coma after whispered, not a period.

“Do I look like I have a stamp on my forehead that says “Please be gentle to the five year old." Yes, I can wait.”

This sentence here was a bit confusing with all the quotation marks...

There’s a coffee table sitting in the middle of the room, with outdated magazines spread out all over.

Outdated is one word.

Above all of this are two flat screens.

There are two flat screens

Your writing style is good but, like Kiwisatsuma said, you might want to review and make sure there is only one tense in there because I noticed it flipped flopped a bit.

Now, the plot is looking very good, though this is only the first chapter so I can't really tell yet. You're keeping us interested :) The MC is... kind of pissing me off with her attitude but I can't help but get the feel she's been through some tough things in her life. I want to know what happened, why they are taking her back... so please keep writing!

-Truth-
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Not really much left for me to say except that I liked this too. To be honest, there are a lot of bitter-orphan kid stories right now on YWS. Two that I can think of right now. It seems to be a popular idea. That isn't a bad thing though, not at all. Just make sure your story has something different. Something that will catch the readers' attention and make them remember.
I'm curious to see what will happen in this story. Good job, by the way!

~Crazy :P
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Hi there. :)

I think everyone already said all the nitpicks I could think of, so there's not really much to say on this end...

Apart from that, the story is off to a good start. Yes we do seem to read a lot of stories about orphans, but I hope that you can make this story your own. Your on the good road for that, with the "parents" returning the girl, which I've never read anything like it before. Good job. I would recommended though, that you put a little more emotions for the MC. Is she feeling angry, sad, sick that they can't even take care of her? By her dialogue, I can tell that she's angry, but maybe say a little more about her feelings. What she's thinking... Or maybe that's coming later? I hope so.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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There were some mistakes, as the others have stated, but I didn't like it very much. The description didn't pop out and let me draw a picture about the characters in my head. This story was okay but I feel that you could do better.


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