What we used to be.

They had nothing to say to each other. Silence surrounded the room. Their eyes were just glued to the floor. They haven't even bothered to look into each other's eyes and apologize and forget any of this ever happened but instead just silence. Not even a I'm-Sorry-Lets-Just-Forget-None-Of-This-Ever-Happened coming from their lips. Once again , just pure silence.

They both felt somehow confused . How could this happen? They wondered. Lucy and Harry, the two best friends they had become since they were practically in diapers. Technically, 6th Grade when they companied each other during recess on their first day of school . They became best friends ever since.

They were the kind of best friend that would listen to each other when one of them calls you in the middle of the night to talk about he or she's social life problems and one of them would just listen carefully trying not to fall asleep. The kind of best friend that would give you the answers on your science quiz. The kind of best friend that you could act all goofy with and you could tell them almost anything and without being judged. Most importantly the kind of best friend that would take a bullet in front of you and love you no matter what.

And they did.

But it didn't last.


Everything, the memories they had came crashing down into a million pieces.

Harry was always fascinated by Science and went to Science camp last summer. He met one of his kind and stayed in contact. Harry soon became the geek in school and were close with his geek friends. Lucy though throughout high school became more beautiful and attracted the popular's. They hung out with their own kind. They still texted each other and still meet each other after school.

But soon, the texts stopped , the midnight calls , and hanging out soon became less and soon rare , then they just stopped. They stopped talking to each other and acted like a total stranger towards each other.

And now they were in Lucy's living room after their fight about their science project. They weren't close as they used to be. They both thought of the memories they shared together and just wished of what we used to be.

Hey, NOTSO I'm going to review your story today okay first! i loved it i mean like really loved it! it was simple and understanding!
but i didn't like get one thing though,why were they silence when they were doing they science project. how bout if they meet each other in the street then they were silent? but thats my opinion

anyway,i hope to read some more of your stories!
~Book Person~

NotSoOrdinaryGirl wrote:They had nothing to say to each other. Silence surrounded the room.

The beginning is weak, the following sentence confusing. Try for a better hook.

NotSoOrdinaryGirl wrote:They both felt somehow confused. How could this happen? they wondered. Lucy and Harry, the two best friends they had become since they were practically in diapers. Technically, 6th Grade when they became friends each other during recess on their first day of school . They'd been close ever since.

You do a lot of mistakes in grammar and spelling in this section. I've corrected them above.

NotSoOrdinaryGirl wrote:But soon, the texts stopped , the midnight calls , and hanging out soon became less and soon rare , then they just stopped. They stopped talking to each other and acted like a total stranger towards each other.

And now they were in Lucy's living room after their fight about their science project. They weren't close as they used to be. They both thought of the memories they shared together and just wished of what we used to be.

Delete the part I underlined. Edit the part I bolded. Plus, you need to elaborate more on the science project. How did they get here? What are their opinions?

You've got a decent story here, although it isn't exactly original. And you put out the parts where you could've shown more emotion and backstory.

I understand your stylistic intentions, but in a story filled with so much emotion and pain, telling us doesn't cut it. I'd advise you go into a first-person viewpoint and really get into it.

GRADE: D

Hi there.

They were the kind of best friend that would listen to each other when one of them calls you in the middle of the night to talk about his or her social life problems and one of them would just listen carefully trying not to fall asleep.

The "you" isn't needed in this sentence.

He met one of his kind and stayed in contact. Harry soon became the geek in school and were close with his geeky friends.

"Geek", here, is an adjective.

And now they were in Lucy's living room after their fight about their science project. They weren't close as they used to be. They both thought of the memories they shared together and just wished of what we used to be.

"We", here, is supposed to be they, since you wrote the entire story at the third person POV.

Okay, so we now know what happened, but not in details... What was the fight over their science project? Was it over something stupid? Or something from before? We, as readers, want to know these things. We ask ourselves the question, and when we can't answer them... We get frustrated. I personnally think it'll be even better if you begin with the fight. Put angry dialogue so we know what's up, and then go on with the silence in the room.

Another thing is that the third person POV is fine, but I agree with Ross here. First person would be way more intense. In this case, the emotions are what's going to make your story. Make us remember it. The guy or the girl... I don't mind, I just want feelings. Something to relate to, if you understand what I'm trying to say.

Now, the overall impression! I liked it. It wasn't that original, and honestly, by the title, I didn't expect more than this. But it was good. I think that with those things I told you, it would be awesome.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Wow. Can I ask you a question? Can you write more of this?! I love it!
Keep Writing!
Nike

Loved it!
I seen minor grammer errors that basically everybody pointed out!
=)

Hi there! *waves*

Here to review. :3

The first thing I've noticed is your title. It's just tad confusing since the story's all based on third person point of view. Maybe "what they used to be"? Anyways, I feel like this is too narrative, what I mean is that you rather tell than show. There are no emotions that could complement very well with the piece and your characters are all unclear. I couldn't even relate to them well that much. However, the concept is nice but maybe adding some sugar and spice wouldn't hurt, right?

Speaking of grammar, there are just some cases wherein you sometimes misplace punctuations and a small error of your grammar. In which those are already covered up by the reviewers before me. At any rate, I wish you could've lengthen this a bit more. You do a lot of telling, which sometimes bore me out of here. I don't want to be rude but it's personally true. Also, you tend to with scenes suddenly without developing the plot. Like for example, let Lucy talk with Larry and let Larry himself speak of the causes why he doesn't want to talk to Lucy anymore. But all in all, this has potential.

Hope I helped,
Yuri

Hey, it's a good one and I hope that you will continue writing. I know you can write and you just have to keep on trying okay?
And please tell me when you have write some new stories.

Keep writing,

kikialicia31

I really liked this piece. I was easy to relate to so it made the connection deeper. It made me want to keep reading and it was easy to understand. It was simple which made it more interesting for me. I liked it a lot and hope to see more of your work, it's good . Keep writing
Wicked <3

woah

To be honest, this isn't good at all. I'm pretty sure you can do better. The beginning is weaker than Usher's voice when he tries to sing and dance at the same time. You attempted with the imagery and personification, but you can do so much better. It lacks a lot of things. There are so many moments in the story where you could have shown so much more emotion, but you didn't. You keep giving them the same parts, as if they are one morphed person together. You're characters are individuals. They aren't always going to be thinking the same thing.

I can relate to this. You have to remember, however, not everybody can. So you need to try and make the connection as deep as it can go. It needs to go so deep that hell might accidentally burn it. Do you understand what I am saying here?

I'm not writing this to make you feel bad about yourself, or discourage you from writing, I am just telling you what I feel about it, and I am really hoping that you'll use it to enhance yourself as a writer.