If we only had more time...

You were just a little nobody in the school,you were there but it was like you were never there.Nobody knew who you were,you were like a ghost in the hallway until that day.
I never knew that you lived a few blocks away from me until that day.That day when your parents invited the whole neighbour-hood to come over for a party.When we arrived you greeted us,that was when I noticed you.You had Black hair,and grey eyes,you were very tall and you were a perfect gentlemen.You made me laughed ,and told me that you played the guitar.I was fasinated that you could.We said our goodbye,and you said that you would see me in school.
I was eating with my friends at school,then you came up to me and said ‘hi’.My friends didn’t know you,some of them rejected you right away.So you went away,knowing that you are not wanted there.But I tried to talk to you at the hallway,but my friends said that you were not worth my time,and I got the it.We were different people,to my friends eyes,you were a nobody in this school. I was dissapointed,but I had to pretend like I wasn’t.
Sometimes you and me still meet,outside of school.You said that you didn’t have much time left here,but I didn’t understand what you mean.No matter how much I wanted us to be close,my friends were in the way.
Its been 2 months since I haven’t said anything to you,it was like you were invisible again.But you came to me on the last day of school saying that you were moving out of the states,I was shocked and a sad.Even though I never talked to you,doesn’t mean I want you to leave.But he said that he had told me before about this,then I understood when he said ‘doesn’t have a lot of time here left’.You said your final goodbye,and left of with your family and your moving truck.I was left there ,depress that I never spend much time with you,never got to know you better. I was crying in the inside wishing that if I only wish that we had more time…..

First of all, you need to remember to leave space after a full stop and comma. Your writing was kind of all bunched together because of that.

That day when your parents invited the whole neighbour-hood to come over for a party.When we arrived you greeted us,that was when I noticed you.You had Black hair,and grey eyes,you were very tall and you were a perfect gentlemen.

'Neighbour-hood' should be 'neighbourhood.' Perhaps you should specify what type of party, because people don't randomly invite their neighbours to parties. Not in this recession. You didn't need to capitalize 'Black'. And he was a perfect gentleman.

I was dissapointed

Disappointed. There are quite a few more spelling mistakes, so I advise you to go over this and weed them out.

Sometimes you and me still meet,outside of school.You said that you didn’t have much time left here,but I didn’t understand what you mean.

In the end, the boy leaves. You should have written 'Sometimes, you and I still met outside of school. You said that you didn't have much time left, but I didn't understand what you meant.' You should also weed out incorrect tenses by going over the story again.

But you came to me on the last day of school saying that you were moving out of the states,I was shocked and a sad.Even though I never talked to you,doesn’t mean I want you to leave.But he said that he had told me before about this,then I understood when he said ‘doesn’t have a lot of time here left’.You said your final goodbye,and left of with your family and your moving truck.I was left there ,depress that I never spend much time with you,never got to know you better. I was crying in the inside wishing that if I only wish that we had more time…..

That paragraph ought to have been:

You came to me on the last day of school and said that you were moving out of the States; I was shocked and sad. Even though I never really talked to you, it didn't mean that I wanted you to leave. You saw my sadness, and you said that you had told me this before; finally I understood what you meant when you said you didn't have a lot of time left. When the day came you said your goodbyes and left with your family. I was left behind, depressed that I never spent much time with you, that I never got to know you any better. I cried inside; if only we had had more time... I took the liberty of underlining the major changes.
Anyway, if you revise this, it will be so much better. The story of lament itself I actually like.

I have to say, I loved the plot of your story. It's different. I'm sure many people can relate, because everyone has a friend or love that their friends don't agree with and it makes life harder for people. As for the piece itself, I think you need to add more.More of the reason this girl like this boy, (names would help your story too) more of a reason that her friend didn't like him, more hints from the boy. It's very short, so things like that will help bring it to life. I hope that I can read more from you.

Sierra

Hey Mel! I finally made it here and I'm so sorry for taking so long for it.

I never knew that you lived a few blocks away from me until that day.That day when your parents invited the whole neighbour-hood to come over for a party.

So I didn't like the repetition you had with until that day. If you observe, it was there even in the line before this. And secondly you shouldn't be using that here. It would have been suited if you had continued the sentence. But now that you haven't it should be 'this'.

You had Black hair,and grey eyes,you were very tall and you were a perfect gentlemen

.You don't capitalize the
'b; of black and secondly it would be gentleman which is the singular form since it is one person she is talking of, right?

But he said that he had told me before about this,then I understood when he said ‘doesn’t have a lot of time here left’.

Who 'he'?He comes suddenly in the story without any introduction.

The first thing which came into my mind on reading this was this was indeed very sweet. The thought behind it, the little cute story in itself was very mesmerizing. I could understand the situation or the dilemma that the protagonist faces in here. A choice to make between her friends and a newbie for whom she has developed a soft corner. I would disagree with Sierra here that these characters need to have a name. I think it was because of the fact that they didn't have names, that held me together, or made this more interesting. It was something unique and probably the best thing I liked about the piece.

All goodness aside I think this piece was somewhere rough and it could really do with more. I mean you could add in more of the scenes, more of the personality of the characters. What in actual she was feeling would have been wondrous. I really wanted to know more, wanted to read more. I just felt that you were in a hurry to complete it or you didn't give attention to this field, which I think is the real option. So don't worry, that's what we all are here for. So seriously speaking there are a lots of places which you could have elaborated, like the party. Example of it can be that you could have told the song he played on the guitar and why she liked it so much. Like this there were many things which would have shaped up this story. Right now I'd say that this was rough, just like an author's draft and you could take time to expand it. Just add in more of emotions, maybe? Other thing that I noticed was that you didn't give space after a comma or while starting a new sentence even when TIGER told you of it. It seriously makes the piece look jumbled up and forced together. So you should be fixing this small error, but which is very important.

There were many small grammatical mistakes and since you aren't from a English speaking country, I can understand. Same was the problem with my grammar, but write more and more and you would seriously get better. And believe me, I still suck at grammar. So you can surely write more and post, so that we could help you out and besides that I think you should review more which would improve your writing, too, indirectly. For your first story, it wasn't bad, but stood somewhere in the middle.

Ciao,
Shubhi

good good good....
I really like this but there are a few nitpicks,
its very sweet cause she like loves him and stuff.
but a wish on that final goodbye you could have them kiss or share a physical or mental contact instead of just good bye.
there are maybe 1 or 2 typos but nothing major. you might want to go over it again because when i was reading it felt very halted so you might want to make it run better by deleting and adding some sentences.
bye!

Hi! I'm so excited to review this one today!

You were just a little nobody in the school, (after the comma should be a space. Same goes with periods.) you were there but it was like you were never there.Nobody knew who you were,you were like a ghost in the hallway until that day.

I never knew that you lived a few blocks away from me until that day.That day when your parents invited the whole neighbour-hood (neighborhood) to come over for a party.When we arrived you greeted us,that was when I noticed you.You had Black (should this really be capitalized?) hair,and grey eyes,you were very tall and you were a perfect gentlemen.You made me laughed ,and told me that you played the guitar.I was fasinated (fascinated) that you could.We said our goodbye,and you said that you would see me in school.

I was eating with my friends at school,then you came up to me and said ‘hi’.My friends didn’t know you,some of them rejected you right away.So you went away,knowing that you are not wanted there.But I tried to talk to you at the hallway,but my friends said that you were not worth my time,and I got the it.We were different people,to my friends eyes,you were a nobody in this school. I was dissapointed,but I had to pretend like I wasn’t. (You can do better with this paragraph. I feel like the relationship of the subject to the rest of the sentence isn't going too well at some point.)

Sometimes you and me still meet,outside of school.You said that you didn’t have much time left here,but I didn’t understand what you mean.No matter how much I wanted us to be close,my friends were in the way.

Its been 2 months since I haven’t said anything to you,it was like you were invisible again.But you came to me on the last day of school saying that you were moving out of the states,I was shocked and a sad.Even though I never talked to you,doesn’t mean I want you to leave.But he said that he had told me before about this,then I understood when he said ‘doesn’t have a lot of time here left’.You said your final goodbye,and left of with your family and your moving truck.I was left there ,depress that I never spend much time with you,never got to know you better. I was crying in the inside wishing that if I only wish that we had more time…..

Generally, I think this one is interesting. Just got to read more to learn more. I'm doing exactly that!

Good luck to you!

Smiles,
Alexxa

Thanks for the review Alexxa! =D and yes, I agree with you. But this was my first story, and I wasn't quite a good writer at that time xDD
But thanks anyway! PM me if you want any of your work to be reviewed =D

~Book Person~

Hello! The concept of this is cute and sweet. But as other members have stated, there were a lot of spelling errors. Always remember to re-read and use spell check when you are about to post your works. I also noticed that there were some grammar issues as well. The use of commas was overwhelming. Some parts were run on sentences. Comb through them. Despite those issues, the story was nice and the theme was sweet. I also like the title. Keep writing! I hope to read more.
~Ballerina

Hey =D
Yes, I agree with you. And thanks for the review Ballerina. I will have to have remind myself to re-check my work >.<
Anyway,Thanks again! 8D and PM me if you have any work that need to be reviewed

~Book Person~

I really liked the idea of this story!! Between the 3rd and 4th paragraph, I think there should be more about the character's developing relationship. In the 3rd paragraph, it's about how her friends aren't accepting and in the 4th paragraph, it talks about how they were close friends. That was all I had a problem with. Maybe some grammatical issues but, overall, I liked the plot of the story!
Thanks for posting