de artuate

Thank you for reading

(P.S. Non-capitalization is indeed intentional )

*********


i spend too much eyesight nowadays
staring at the fluorescent glare the
ceiling-light
leaves on my puke-green-white walls

you cut open a rabbit
’s spleen and said,
eat up, dear one
eat until your teeth break apart
and i have to sweep you off the floor.

i have found the way to your heart
(it is right through your back
and just above your kidneys
with the sharp rusty knife you keep in the
drawer.)

this is a secret.
now, you mustn’t tell a soul
or i’ll carve you up like turkey, dear,
and feed you to the crows

but i’m sorry

Wow! wonderfully creepy. The way in which you politely portray what I perceive as control or perhaps abuse is fantastic.

Hi, ladymask.

Creepy. Love it.

I love the way it begins. To think that "too much eyesight" could be spent on one thing, as if the speaker is going to run out! So interesting and different and magical. I just think it would be so much more readable like this:
"i spend too much eyesight nowadays
staring at the fluorescent glare
the ceiling-light
leaves on my puke-green-white walls."
Having the "the" dangling on the end of the second line just ruined the flow for me.
And question: what are puke-green-white walls?

Second stanza? Sorry, I just don't get it. But I like it. Except the part where the " 's " is on the next line. Was that on purpose? It seems a bit self-conscious, if it was intentional.

Last 3 stanzas are delightful. I like the use of "dear" and "dear one." It brings a playful irony to the whole thing. Also, the words "nowadays" and "mustn't" just gave it a pleasant quaintness.

Beautiful.
Rachel

Thanks, both of you!

NixonBlitzen: the dangling 's' was meant to convey a sort of break in thought, like "you cut open a rabbit..." was the main point, and then the narrator (who is unbalanced) sort of finishes the thought with the details. Of course, explaining it means it didn't come across well (:

Puke-green-white...the color of the walls in the room I am currently in Again, though, obviously not clear enough.

Thanks again!

That was, well, slightly disturbing!
It was good, though, I liked it.
It's weird, like you can really feel every single creepy emotion, which was cool.
Keep writing
~WickedWonder