three day high

The bus ride with you
To me felt like years
We saw half the country
With no cares or fears

You held me so tight
Let me sleep in your lap
I woke up to rain
Then let you take your nap

I sang you to sleep
Ran fingers through your hair
Kissed you so softly
Making sure you were there

I fell asleep to your breathing
Awoke to your smile
Looked around us, all empty
“We’re just stopping for awhile”

We held hands down the steps
You carried me on your back
We wandered through Juarez
Not caring if we were on track

We found the perfect spot
Secluded and serene
You were gentle and caring
Though rough in between

I pulled you in closer
Your blue eyes deep in mine
We were in ecstasy
While our bodies combined

I didn’t want to come down
But you made us detach
“Now remember my love,
We have a bus to catch”

We made it just then
No minutes to spare
Found seats in the back
Continued our affair

We fell deep again
Exhausted from our passion
Slept through Stockton and Kerrville
Finally awoke in Austin

We traveled on the 20
Through the state of Bayou
I had to constantly check
To make sure it was true

Cause it felt like I was floating
With the wind, through the trees
With a heavy heart and open mind
Constantly at ease

I remember our stop
In Birmingham at night
I didn’t smoke then
And you needed a light

I asked an old couple
If they could lend us a hand
They smiled and said “ofcourse”
And gave us one to have

Their generosity, though simple
Taught me what love can do
They felt no one around
Just how I felt with you

I looked at you lovingly
You matched my gaze
With the stars up above
I couldve stood there for days

But once again
We had a schedule to keep
So I trailed behind
As you found our seats

We didn’t sleep that night
Instead we enjoyed the view
With my head on your shoulder
And my feet on your shoes

We sat in silence
Till we met the sunrise
You recognized the towns
Excitement in your eyes

We passed your old school
And the house you grew in
You were talking so fast
I listened with a grin

I sat back and thought
On the three days that passed
It felt like a lifetime
That was lived through too fast

I dreaded the final stop
Not wanting our ride to end
But little did I know
An even greater one would begin

This is very great. Yes, the flow gets a little iffy here and there, but in all honesty, who cares? It is beautiful enough as it is, and I love all the effort. It's hard writing long poems, especially when they tell a story. keep writing.

Hello Tina!

That was great. I love how you implied the ending and din't outright say it. It made it that much sweeter. Your flow did fall to the way side here and there. It especially bothered me here:

I asked an old couple
If they could lend us a hand
They smiled and said “ofcourse”
And gave us one to have

That "have" just seems so strange there, not just because it doesn't follow your previous rhyming scheme, but because it starts with the same letter as "hand" and also it's strange phrasing in general. I'm not really sure how you could fix it. Maybe try a rhyming dictionary.

But even with that one stanza that bothered me, you had so many more that I loved. This is the longest poem I've read in awhile and one of the few that still flow after the fifth stanza. So, bravo.

Write On!
Lette

beautiful..I wish this would happen to me

Words I think you should add are in blue.

Tinalove wrote:The bus ride with you
To me, felt like years
We saw half the country
With no cares or fears

~~~

I sang you to sleep
Ran my fingers through your hair
Kissed you so softly
Making sure you were there

~~~

We found the perfect spot
Secluded and serene
You were gentle and caring
Though rough in between One word

~~~

We made it just then
No minutes to spare
Found seats in the back
Continued our affair I would put and at the beginning of this line.

We fell deep again
Exhausted from our passion If you took out "our" the rhythm would work better.
Slept through Stockton and Kerrville
Finally awoke in Austin

~~~
Cause, it felt like I was floating
With the wind, through the trees
With a heavy heart and open mind A heavy heart? That makes me think of a heart with lots of burdens. One that is not looking forward to life.
Constantly at ease

I remember our stop
In Birmingham at night I think "at" should be that.
I didn’t smoke then,
And you needed a light

I asked an old couple
If they could lend us a hand
They smiled and said “should be capitalized of space needed course,”
And gave us one to have This rhyme isn't a rhyme and it sounds really forced.

Their generosity, though simple
Taught me what love can do
They felt no one around them
Just how I felt with you

I looked at you lovingly
You matched my gaze
With the stars up above
I couldve could’ve stood there for days

But, once again
We had a schedule to keep
So I trailed behind
As you found our seats

~~~

I dreaded the final stop
Not wanting our ride to end
But, little did I know
An even greater one would begin

Overall I really like this poem and when I get done with this I am going to *like* it. This poem is very long and even if you have read over it once or twice you need to read over it a lot to catch all the mistakes. I only read it once because it was so long.

Actually it doesn't need to be this long. Lots of the details are unneeded for the story. But, it is O.K. the way it is.

The rhythm is good overall, but your rhymes seem somewhat forced. Actually they seem to be completely directing your poem. You seem to have just made the poem go wherever the rhymes made you go. Also some of the rhymes besides seeming forced really aren't rhymes at all. They are usually just a letter off. The problem with your rhythm isn't that you rhymed or didn't rhyme it is that you did a mixture of both, but it seemed like you trying to strictly rhyme.

Hope I helped,

A. S.