Yellow Walls

4 posts
Random avatar
timjim77
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 212
Wed Jan 25, 2006 2:27 am
timjim77 says... · Wed Jan 25, 2006 2:27 am
With cream flavored hands,
She rocks her child
In the yellow-lit room
With a lullaby wild.

And the yellow walls
Speak in softer tones
As the babe is weeping
Through its poor bones.
Last edited by timjim77 on Thu Jun 05, 2008 5:56 am, edited 2 times in total.
Quote




User avatar
Angel17
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 202
Thu Jan 26, 2006 11:29 am
Angel17 says... · Thu Jan 26, 2006 11:29 am
i like the varied pace. Its slow until the end and then speeds up, it added more of an effect.

Also; lullabye should be lullaby.
Real poetry are those with the best words in the best order

~~~~~~~~Mandy~~~~~~~~~
Quote




User avatar
xanthan gum
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
Thu Jan 26, 2006 10:03 pm
xanthan gum says... · Thu Jan 26, 2006 10:03 pm
fix "lullabye" and fix the rhythm on this line:

Yellow seeps through its bones.


otherwise, it was very good. i didn't catch the entire meaning, i'm sure, but i enjoyed in nonetheless.
i suppose rhyming poetry is catching on more. this certainly is leaving me behind. :)
Carpe Diem.
Quote




Random avatar
lin night
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 92
Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:01 am
lin night says... · Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:01 am
The "lullabye" was intentional, was it not? If I understood the poem correctly, it fits quite well.
Quote

4 posts


Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.
— Enid Bagnold