Young Writers Society

Welcome to the room
The door shuts
Click
Almost dark
The dolls smile
Broken bodies
Broken minds
Little animals stare mournfully
Mouths sewn shut
Cold as fear
No windows
Where is the door
Something is here
Don't look behind
Movement
In the closet
Too dark to know
Just a shadow
Shadows everywhere
Hiding under the empty bed
Reaching out its hand
Crawling in the corners
On the ceiling
Scratching in the walls
Under the floor
Listen
Silence
Still
The faintest breath
A chill
A scratch
On the edge of hearing
Dolls
Smiling from the shadows
Broken mind
No way out
Welcome to the room

Interesting... this sounds like the opening credits song to a show. The imagery was so-so: not bad and certainly very appropriate to the topic, but somewhat passe/run-of-the-mill. However, your positioning and combos of the imagery worked well to create an image of the room and the stuff you put in it.

As in your 'Sun Rose' poem, no punctuation and a single block of poem. That's cool. Totally fine. Still, while I could mentally find where the punctuation would've gone as I was reading it, I dunno about others. So, might wanna add punctuation or split the poem up into stanzas; I recommend de-capitalizing some lines.

Also, the title is very boring, definitely spice it up somehow (and it made me think of the movie 'The Room,' which I've never seen but... yeah).

Good effort, and keep writing! ^^

Hello Warrior Princess,

First off I agree with iyaeelz, the title is rather off-putting. It's a bit lackluster.

I don't exactly love this because you seem to be describing this room of a little girl turned rather sinister, but what does the room represent? I believe if you're going to describe just a setting, it should be described three dimensionally; the same way you might describe a character.

I'm not sure how this room is supposed to make me feel. Am I supposed to fear, sadness, pity for the person trapped in this room? What are you really trying to convey?

You had some shining moments in this poem, however. I especially loved this bit:

Listen
Silence
Still
The faintest breath
A chill

I don't have a problem with free-form, minimal punctuation, etc., but this one big block of a stanza is distracting. Emphasis on certain phrases might make this somewhat stronger.

I think a little bit of tweaking would make this quite good!

Write On!
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