A Night To Remember

A night to remember

Sasha sighed slowly as she stood silently in the great room. Her crème dress was beautiful and perfect for the party that her parents had organised for the political meeting. Across the room, her father stood discussing political matters with some business men he had invited. Her mother was nearby, flirting outrageously with the young rich men who accompanied the businessmen. Sasha felt so out of place as she watched her father glance over at her mother and disregard her behaviour.
The gentle music encouraged many to start dancing. Sasha crept to a table near the back of the room to avoid unwanted eyes. She was known as the best dancer and would only dance with the best. This was a lie. Her parents had told it to encourage people to come to the party.
As the music ended for the first dance, Sasha’s mother glared over the room at her. Feeling the gaze, Sasha lowered her eyes and looked across the room. Pretty woman dressed in colourful dresses danced with handsome men smiling at them.
“Would you care to dance?” drawled a masculine voice.
Starting, Sasha raised her eyes to see a princely face inches away from her own pretty face.
“Well?” smiled the stranger as he offered his hand.
Sasha looked at the man’s face. Emerald green eyes stared at her behind a jungle of thick long lashes. His smile sent warmth through Sasha’s face, as she looked at the extended out hand.
“Oh…I…”her voice trailed off as the stranger reached for her hand and gently pulled her up. His strong hand kept her firmly in his grip as they reached the dance floor. Heads turned at the couple. The ladies’ glares scared Sasha as she was pulled into the arms of the stranger.
“I hear you are an excellent dancer,” he whispered into her ear, “So let’s dance.”
Sasha’s eyes widened and she stared up at the handsome face, “I…err…”
The stranger smiled, “Don’t worry. I know about it.” Sasha gasped. “Don’t worry, just dance.”
The music played up as they started to dance. The gentle rhythm was beautiful and dancing with this stranger was magical. It felt like dancing in the clouds high above in the sky. Angels watching with beautifully carved faces. Flower petals floating around them.
Sasha felt so at ease that she relaxed into the warm body of her dance partner.
“See, you can dance,” Said the man, his fingers lifting her chin up, “I’m going to make this a night for you to remember.” Her eyes made contact with his. They seemed to be coming closer. And as the last note played, his lips touched her lips and they shared a magical embrace.

This is a really short story I wrote, it has no actual plot or story. Its just a girl at a party who is bored and wants to be somewhere else, bu then a prince charming appears. Yeah, very cliche and not original, but I thought, hey, this might just be an interesting extract to use as a base if I every get round to writing about romance. As you can see, this was written on the spur of the moment.
Read, love it, hate it, I don't really care,
I just want to share this - because every girl wants a prince charming to appear.

Fantasy

Hi there.

So I'll begin with nitpicks, and then go on with the overall impression.

Starting Startled, Sasha raised her eyes to see a princely face inches away from her own pretty face.

The stranger smiled, “Don’t worry, I know about it.” Sasha gasped. “Don’t worry, Just dance.”

I wouldn't repeat the "don't worry" it's too much.

And as the last note played, his lips touched her's lips and they shared a magical embrace.

Here, I think lips is unnecessary repeated. It still has the same meaning with it gone. Sorry, it bothered me.

Okay, I'm done. Your grammar was pretty good. I'm impressed. I liked the story too. Yes it's cliche, but it's still good. And seriously, who gets bored by these stories about the prince charming? Well at least the girls. Good job, great writing... I think that's it!

Hope it helped.

-Other One

This was a short but sweet piece, I enjoyed it.

However, if you don't care if we liked it or not, why did you post it on here? This is a site for improving works, and if you say that you don't care what we say, don't post it in the first place. Also, don't say that your work is cliche or boring, because some people will take you word for it and not look at it at all. Author's notes like that can really turn off a reviewer and make them not want to review. Just a heads up for the future. Now, on to the review!

Nitpicks/ things I liked!

Sasha sighed slowly as she stood silently in the great room.

You used two adverbs in a sentence here. There isn't really anything grammatically bad about it, but if you use too many adverbs the sentence sounds weird and it doesn't look right. I've read in several places that adverb overuse can kill a story, so limit one per sentence (at most).

Emerald green eyes stared at her behind a jungle of thick long lashes

"Jungle" doesn't seem like the right word here. It makes you think of a tangled mess.

“See, you can dance,” Said the man, his fingers lifting her chin up, “I’m going to make this a night for you to remember.” Her eyes made contact with his. They seemed to be coming closer. And as the last note played, his lips touched her lips and they shared a magical embrace.

I think the line in red is just slightly weird because he just met the girl, and the fact that he kisses her immediately after saying it gives you a feeling that he's just out for lovin's. I know this love is spontanious, but try to find something that doesn't make him feel stalkerish. The rest of the quote is great. I really went, "awww.."

STORY:

It's short and sweet and that's pretty much it. I think that is what you were going for though. I know that you really don't want to develop the story anymore, but I think a bit more description of the male's character would be useful to give it a more lovey dovey feel. Just have them talk a bit, maybe give him a name, before they go off and dance. It would give this more flow and develop the relationship just a bit better.

OVERALL:

I liked this! There really wasn't anything to nitpick at all, just a few things that seemed a little stiff. Your adverb use is slightly heavy (heh, "slightly".), but that isn't really anything to worry about.

The dialogue between the two characters is just a bit too unrealistic and dull. Read their conversation aloud and see if there is anything you can do with it to make it more original.

Other than that, good job! A great fix for a lover of romance like me. (And trust me, I love it!) I hope my review helped you at all.

Okay, I'm done. Your grammar was pretty good. I'm impressed. I liked the story too. Yes it's cliche, but it's still good. And seriously, who gets bored by these stories about the prince charming? Well at least the girls. Good job, great writing... I think that's it!

Hope it helped.

-Other One

Thankyou, I know it does need some cleaning. Thanks for pointing out areas for improvement. I've never really attempted a love story, so this is all I have.

This was a short but sweet piece, I enjoyed it.

However, if you don't care if we liked it or not, why did you post it on here? This is a site for improving works, and if you say that you don't care what we say, don't post it in the first place. Also, don't say that your work is cliche or boring, because some people will take you word for it and not look at it at all. Author's notes like that can really turn off a reviewer and make them not want to review. Just a heads up for the future.

It was late at night and I have a horrible cold, I don't think I was paying much attention to what I was typing. I just wanted to post it to share with everyone and see if i can find any areas of improvement. The part where I mentioned, love it or hate it, really meant the story - There are two groups - Some of my readers says is like a porn and hates it, another group say it a lovely romantic story. Its open to interpretation.

I think the line in red is just slightly weird because he just met the girl, and the fact that he kisses her immediately after saying it gives you a feeling that he's just out for lovin's. I know this love is spontanious, but try to find something that doesn't make him feel stalkerish. The rest of the quote is great. I really went, "awww.."

I think you kind of got my meaning here. I don't know how to change this part - I've left it as it is as I think its cute, but others don't think so...So if anyone has any ideas, do tell. I think it just needs rewording, but I can't seem to get it right...

I liked this! There really wasn't anything to nitpick at all, just a few things that seemed a little stiff. Your adverb use is slightly heavy (heh, "slightly".), but that isn't really anything to worry about.

The dialogue between the two characters is just a bit too unrealistic and dull. Read their conversation aloud and see if there is anything you can do with it to make it more original.

Other than that, good job! A great fix for a lover of romance like me. (And trust me, I love it!) I hope my review helped you at all.

Thankyou - Your review did help me. If I spot enough errors in my overall writing, then I can improve on my Story, Life.

Thankyou again, I am glad that some readers like it.

Fantasy

Fantasydotcom wrote:A night to remember

Sasha sighed slowly as she stood silently in the great room. Her crème dress was beautiful and perfect for the party that her parents had organised for the political meeting. Across the room, her father stood discussing political matters with some business men he had invited. Her mother was nearby, flirting outrageously with the young rich men who accompanied the businessmen. Sasha felt so out of place as she watched her father glance over at her mother and disregard her behaviour.
The gentle music encouraged many to start dancing. Sasha crept to a table near the back of the room to avoid unwanted eyes. She was known as the best dancer and would only dance with the best. This was a lie. Her parents had told it to encourage people to come to the party.
As the music ended for the first dance, Sasha’s mother glared over the room at her. Feeling the gaze, Sasha lowered her eyes and looked across the room. Pretty woman dressed in colourful dresses danced with handsome men smiling at them.
“Would you care to dance?” drawled a masculine voice.
Starting, Sasha raised her eyes to see a princely face inches away from her own pretty face.
“Well?” smiled the stranger as he offered his hand.
Sasha looked at the man’s face. Emerald green eyes stared at her behind a jungle of thick long lashes. His smile sent warmth through Sasha’s face, as she looked at the extended out hand.
“Oh…I…”her voice trailed off as the stranger reached for her hand and gently pulled her up. His strong hand kept her firmly in his grip as they reached the dance floor. Heads turned at the couple. The ladies’ glares scared Sasha as she was pulled into the arms of the stranger.
“I hear you are an excellent dancer,” he whispered into her ear, “So let’s dance.”
Sasha’s eyes widened and she stared up at the handsome face, “I…err…”
The stranger smiled, “Don’t worry. I know about it.” Sasha gasped. “Don’t worry, just dance.”
The music played up as they started to dance. The gentle rhythm was beautiful and dancing with this stranger was magical. It felt like dancing in the clouds high above in the sky. Angels watching with beautifully carved faces. Flower petals floating around them.
Sasha felt so at ease that she relaxed into the warm body of her dance partner.
“See, you can dance,” Said the man, his fingers lifting her chin up, “I’m going to make this a night for you to remember.” Her eyes made contact with his. They seemed to be coming closer. And as the last note played, his lips touched her lips and they shared a magical embrace.

This is a really short story I wrote, it has no actual plot or story. Its just a girl at a party who is bored and wants to be somewhere else, bu then a prince charming appears. Yeah, very cliche and not original, but I thought, hey, this might just be an interesting extract to use as a base if I every get round to writing about romance. As you can see, this was written on the spur of the moment.
Read, love it, hate it, I don't really care,
I just want to share this - because every girl wants a prince charming to appear.

Fantasy

Wow, of all the stories here, that got me reading till the last word. why? 'coz the words were simple and you could follow easily. haha...anyway, good job. yes, it sounds like a beginning chapter, or a prologue to a novel. )

I like Sasha already. LOL I wonder how she looks like. /
I feel like it's Gabby Montez and Troy Bolton

i do have one suggestion, when you say "emerald" it automatically means "green", so I would have deleted green from the script. )

Hey,
I just wanted to say that even though the story may be cliche, it has its own kind of twist among it.
I loved that your MC had a different point of view on parties and that she wasnt a gossip girl throwing back cocktails.

“See, you can dance,” Said the man, his fingers lifting her chin up, “I’m going to make this a night for you to remember.” Her eyes made contact with his. They seemed to be coming closer. And as the last note played, his lips touched her lips and they shared a magical embrace.

I think that MAGICAL EMBRACE is kind of corny, but if you like it, keep it.
You did well on describing the scene but i think that you could pull some more detail into her prince charming. Maybe describe the way that his hair fall in his eyes or is tucked/slicked back, what he is wearing or the way he stands.
You could even describe the way that he makes her feel. Maybe how she could feel her cheeks flush with colour or her hand tingles when he gripped it. Maybe even put some more description into the kiss, eg. the way he is holding her and the brush of his lips on hers.. blah, blah, blah.. the good stuff, seriously-who gets tired of romance

Anyway, hope that helped, keep writing.. i loved it.
Love Georgiexx
PM me if you want to ask something or need some help. Im happy to help

This was well written but we need to know the time frame as the readers so that we may get a better picture of the scene. This was very enjoyable to read though I will give you that. It was a bit crushed together and I felt there was a bit more showing than telling in this piece.

Cute.
I think a name for your character was missing, but I like the mystery in the stranger and the dance that made me want to keep reading. Explain more about the scene and where in time it is so that it is easier to visualize; it was hard for me to do. Continue on with it if you want, it could be a good beginning to novella or something else. It seems very romanitc yet mysterious at the same time. I like it. =)

Keep your creativity going
------ASH