Light and Shadow - Prologue and Chapter 1

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Light and Shadow

Prologue – The Twins




Birth – The birth of people at the same time has always been rare. Yet, these twins were born. Eluna and Xombreil Ande were their names, and their parents came from the two opposing forces: Their mother was from the Light while their father was from the Dark. Faiclera, the Lady of Light, had always been afraid of this…for love between a descendant of Light and a disciple of Shadow was forbidden by the laws.

There, they sat, higher than the half moon – The Lord and the Lady of Light – upon their thrones, holding each other’s hands as they stared nervously at the crystal ball that was raised in front of them by an Oracle. After a moment, Lord Avicrus raised his hand over the piece of glass and golden sparks came out from it. Golden lightning struck from the moonlit heavens, chased after, and killed the parents of the innocent twins. And there, they lied on their mother’s bed, waiting for someone who promised to return but never did.

Chapter 1 – The Moon Pond




The water was as still as it used to be and the Starflowers glimmered like the night sky. Eluna Ande ran and caused ripples over the calm water. Blue wisps floated around, glowing gently in the darkness. Xombreil simply watched his sister around – the touch of her feet on the surface of the water, the swirling of the blue wisps around her – He had always been contented with just being with his sister in their seven years of existence in the world.

He sat there with folded knees until Eluna called him.

“Xombreil!” she called as cheerfully as ever. “Try stepping on the water!”

“Are you joking?” he answered. “You know that I can’t walk on water like you!”

“Well, maybe tonight’s the night you can! The full moon’s just behind the clouds,” she continued. “C’mon before Aunt Mella calls us!”

“Okay…but just one step,” Xobreil said as he slowly stood up, his nerves already taking him.

Slowly, he moved his right foot over the water, took a deep breath, and finally let gravity pull him down. But, just like what he expected, he fell down the water. Panic struck him as he moved his arms and legs vehemently.

“Eluna, help!” he called. “I’m gonna dro- !”

But, he was already gobbled up by the cold pond.

“Xombreil!” his sister called as she worriedly ran and dove to save her brother.

She swam fast and managed to take a hold on her brother and, with ease, pulled him up from the pond. Xombreil coughed repetitively as he lied on the ground.

“Never…” he coughed as he closed his blue eyes, “let me drown again…”

“I won’t,” Eluna said with a smile, her own blue eyes grinning. “Look! The moon’s out!”

Slowly, the moonlight reflected on the pond, and it began to look like the moon itself. The pond and the Starflowers looked like the sky, like it was a replica of it. The two kids stood steadily, amazed by what they were seeing.

“I always feel happy when the moon is full…” Eluna calmly spoke without looking at her brother.

Xombreil just looked at his sister, random, unknown thoughts coming into his mind. His mysterious stare was interrupted when Aunt Mella suddenly called from behind, her apron still hanging from her waist.

“Eluna! Xombreil! You shouldn’t be out this late in the night.”

“Aww!” the twins exclaimed at the same time.

“Let us stay for a little longer!” they continued.

“Look! The Nightskye Garden looks wonderful!” Eluna said, filled with excitement.

“It really is awesome, Aunt Mella!” Xombreil added.

The lady took a few steps forward and looked around while the twins looked at her, waiting for their aunt to say ‘Okay’. But, she just glanced at the two eager kids and suddenly pulled them into a different direction.

“You seriously need to sleep now,” she said with a chuckle. “But, you both have to dry up first.”

Her sun-like hair waved as the wind blew it.

“Aww! Aunt Mella!” the twins exclaimed as they tried to pull their aunt back to the garden but to no avail.

They continued to make noises while struggling against their aunt’s unbreakable grip.

If only your parents see what the two of you are becoming now, the lady thought.



Lord Avicrus was watching once again through the same old crystal ball, Oracle, and everlasting proud, indifferent look. Vigilant and reserved always are both the Lord and the Lady of Light.

Hey Whisper, thanks for the request!
So, first I'll go ahead and nitpick a little I know that's your favorite lol.

Yet, these twins were born. Eluna and Xombreil Ande were their names, and their parents came from two different clans.

First of all,I like the names but Xombreil is hard to pronounce, But, still cool, nonetheless. My main nitpick with this is how you just ended it with them coming from different clans. I would suggested to give just bit more info on that. Like, what the names of the clans were or something. That way, we don't feel like you dropped the subject, you know?

There, they sat, higher than the half moon – The Lord and the Lady of Light – upon their thrones, holding each other’s hands as they stared with nervousness on the crystal ball that was raised in front of them by an Oracle. After a moment or two, golden lightning struck from the heavens, chased after, and killed the parents of the innocent twins. And there, they lied on their mother’s bed, waiting for someone who promised to return but never did.

Okay, I think this entire part should be broadened, or expanded. Give us more detail as in what's going on because it's kind of confusing. Why is the light after them? What exactly is an Oracle in this story? Also, I'm a bit confused the twins part. Also, you mentioned something about a forbidden love thing in the beginning and I'm sorta curious about that. Anyways, I'm sure you have a good understanding of what it is, now the hard part is trying to explain it so the reader understands too. Beware though, not to give away too much information lol. I know I did that once and then everything became predictable
***
And so ends your prologue. Honestly, I wish it was a little longer and gave a bit more detail with the whole situation. I'm sure you can expand it. The thing with Fantasy is, you need to make sure your explain everything. You're building a whole new word! Different rules, magic, and people are placed into writing, so be sure to explain everything so we can understand it. Although, I find the whole twin thing and the forbidden love part a bit awesome. I'm always up for a good story and I think you've got yourself a decent start. Just add some description, mention a little more and drag us into your story by our feet!

The water was as still as it used to be and the Starflowers glimmered like the night sky.

I seriously love this. I mean, starflower? I imagined them all sparkly and white, glowing in the night with fireflies around and...ohhhh I'm in love! That is now my favorite plant.

But, he already went underwater.

This is what I think you need to work on most. This sentence is a little bland, I suggest you change it into something like, "But, already, the water had swallowed him whole"
Terrible example but you get what I mean? Spice up your writing a little. Just like you did with the opener. I thought it was probably the best paragraph you've written, from what I've read of your writing.

his sister called as she worriedly ran and dove to save his brother.

Aahah! Typo. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be 'to save her brother'.

Lord Avicrus was watching once again through the same old crystal ball held up by the same Oracle with the same indifferent look.

I kind of dislike the repetition here. Maybe change it a little?

Plot
Interesting. I mean, I like the idea of the twins and it seems like there's something going on between them that the Aunt or the parents don't like. Also, of course they're special but I'm left wondering what's really going on behind the curtains. So, all in all, you have a decent structure, the only thing left to do now is get the plot rolling and entertain us. Sorry, I don't have much to say about the plot overall, I mean, I'm really not good at critiquing plotlines. lol. However, I still want compliment you on how amazing I think you made the 'world'. Especially that flower! AH! :3

Grammar/punctuation/descriptions
I decided to fuse all three together since I only have a few things to say about each. First of all, your grammar was good. I mean I hardily noticed any typos or anything. I know you're really good at picking those mosquitoes out so I doubt you'd have very many in your writing. I did, in fact, notice that you overused the exclamation mark. There's a decent amount in here and when read, it sounds like everyone is always screaming XD. So try to lessen the use of them. Description wise, I think you're okay. Just note what I said before about spicing up the way you write. I seriously liked your opener and how deep the descriptions went, now you only have to follow that kind of writing for the rest. I'm not saying pack it with so much description that it get's draggy and boring but to at least kick it up a notch. Also, I noticed that I have no idea how anyone looks like. Make sure you describe your characters too. I mean, what does the Aunt look like? What color are her eyes? What type of body does she possess? What about the twins? I mean, they are twins so describe what makes them alike and also what sets them apart. Why can't Xombriel walk on water? Is he dark? Is she light?

Overall, I still think you did a pretty good job. I like the story and the characters seem so innocent. Now the Lord, however, I'm getting a bit suspicious of him and I'm left wondering what kind of plans he has in store. Also, I'm excited to see the twins when they grow up. Honestly, what kind of personalities will set them apart and all. Well, that's all for my review, hopefully I helped Keep at it and if you post the next part, let me know!
Cheers,

~Shear

Hey there Whisperer!

Wow, this really is interesting! I want to visit this pond and see these flowers and the blue mist. Great job creating such an intruiging place! I love the character names, even though Xombriel is a tad hard to pronounce (so long as your names don't get much more complicated than that, though, I think you're fine). I also really like the quotes from Avicrus, they work really well for this story and help to bring the world to reality.

The two kids stood steadily, wowed by what they were seeing.

"wowed" sounds awkward here. It could be just a personal preference thing, but I would try something like "in awe of what they were seeing"

Xombreil just looked at his sister, random, unknown thoughts coming into his mind.

I'm not a fan of the "random, unknown thoughts". If he's thinking, I'd like to know a little bit about what is going through his head. Plus, it can be a great way to give a little background or even move the plot along a bit!

Then, out of the blue, Aunt Mella called from behind, her apron still hanging from her waist.

Expressions like "suddenly", "all of the sudden", and "out of the blue" are awkward to use in writing. The intended effect is understood, but somehow it never actually has that effect. If you leave out the "Then, out of the blue," bit, it appears sudden and out of the blue to the reader to just have Aunt Mella calling for them.

Descriptions
You have such an interesting world, and intruiging characters, but we hardly know what anything looks like (aside from the pond). In fantasy, with awesome worlds like this, it's definitely acceptable to spend some time describing things. Let the reader know what the immediate surrounds are like, what the characters are like, etc. These twins are obviously very different, and you have a great opportunity to show that through appearances.

Just be careful not to info dump. Info dumping is just dumping a ton of information on a reader that is boring and mostly unneccesary.

Example:
Tom was a boy. He was six feet tall, had long brown hair, and bright green eyes. His arms were muscular, but he was still pretty thin. He wore dark wash jeans, a relaxed red t-shirt, and white tennis shoes. Blah blah blah.

Think of the most important and distinguishing things about your characters and let the readers know that through the story. Use sensory descriptions (touch, sight, sound, tase, smell) to effectively describe people and settings without seeming so info-dumpy. You have intruiging characters and places, let them shine!

Great job with this, definitely keep writing! If you ever post more, let me know and I'll be happy to review it!

-Lauren-

Thanks for all the reviews! I have edited this according to your remarks already.

Elooooo Whisperer! Wow, well its pretty perfect so the things left to crit isn't really all that important, but it might help so...

...holding each other’s hands as they stared with nervousnessly on at the crystal ball...Lord Avicrus raised his hand over the piece of glass and golden sparks came out from it.

Everything I said in there is purely because it sounds better... but besides that I couldn't find anything! I love it!

The past tense of lay is laid. That's the only thing I noticed. You did it twice here. Otherwise, your work is really good! I hope to see more of you and your work around here.

Really amazing!!! Great foundation for a great story. I'm just curious how old the twins are, they seem kinda young? But I'll keep reading in a bit!
Really good!!!!
Your writing is great, just a few grammar and spelling but meh, I don't care much for that!

I'm not very good at long detailed reviews but I'm give it my best shot.
I throughly enjoyed the chapter. I adore the otherworldly-ness of the whole thing and the quotes at the top gave it a nice professional effect. The names were curious, I've never heard anything quite like them before (This is a compliment).
You didn't give us a lot of background information, though I think that it will be explained later, am I correct?
I hope that comment did not offend you or anything.
It was a lovely chapter and I will read the next very soon and review again.
All the best,
-Kit

Hey Whisperer! Thanks for entering the First Chapter Contest!

I've reviewed this chapter for you before, and it seems I don't have much different to say from my first review. I noticed it seems you added in a bit more descriptive detail, which is great. It could probably use a bit more, but for this chapter it actually seems alright as it is. Well, I really don't have a whole lot else to say, sorry you don't get a more detailed review that this, but my previous (detailed) review is still there! Haha. Keep writing!

-Lauren-