The Definition of Love

The Definition of Love


I felt like I had just been shot. The world shattered around me as I read her lips in slow motion as she talked to me….

Sometime in the past….

It seemed like a normal day in Plymouth, IN. I woke up as my brother knocked on my door. “Bubby, time to get up.” he said. I just grunted my sleepy thanks as I reached for the remote to my stereo.

I found the button I was looking for and tiredly, pushed it. As my favorite radio station came on, I threw off my blankets and sat up. I reached over and turned my lamp on. I looked around my room as the light chased away the darkness that threatened to swallow me and everything in sight.

Blinked the sleep from my eyes and stiffly stood up. My room wasn’t that big. It had my books, bed, T.V., guitar, posters, etc. in it. I walked around my bed to my closet to get my stuff ready for my shower. I selected the clothes that I wanted, and then I walked to the bathroom. I had to open my door (which is like a wall), go through the kitchen and dining room and finally turned into the small bathroom.

After my shower, I got all my gear together for school. That included my backpack, ten pound books, and my planner. I went out the front door and looked around me. It was the middle of November, so it was chilly, plus it just rained. I went to the garage to get my bike. I had to open the garage in the twilight like morning, so there wasn‘t that much light. After I got my bike out, I started towards school.

When I got to school I sighed relief. School seemed so peaceful compared to the semi-chaotic downtown. Boy was I wrong.

"Heads up!!!" someone yelled from behind me. I turned my head just in time to see a ball rushing over the ground towards my chest. Out of reflex, I ducked, but didn't make it.

Thud!! I felt the ball hit me full in the chest as all the air was knocked out of me. I fell to my knees, as I was trying to get the air back in my lungs.

"Sorry!!" I looked up to see where the voice was coming from and didn't expect what I saw. As I looked up, I saw a girl running towards me. First, I got hit with a soccer ball. Second I got hit with a soccer ball by a girl, and last I got hit by a girl!!!
"I'm really sorry about that." she said. As I started to stand up, I noticed that she was a few inches shorter than me. She had brunette hair, with blonde highlights, that fell down her back like a waterfall, dark brown eyes that glistened like fireflies in the night, and a dazzling smile.

"It's alright; I’ve had worse than that." I stated. I blushed a little at how I got the air beat out of me by a girl. That was going to stick with me for a while. I can hear it now, “Hey there’s the kid who got beat by a girl!!”

I brushed myself off, and grabbed my bag off the ground. As I did that, she bent down to pick up the soccer ball, but on her way down, she somehow tripped and fell forward.

I saw her start to fall forward, and lunged toward her just in time to keep her from striking the hard pavement. When I opened my eyes, I noticed that our faces were only a few inches apart.

I felt my heart start to accelerate way past the limits it was supposed to. As I was looking into her eyes I felt like I had just unlocked the door to the cosmos. I suddenly was hit with wave after wave of emotions. But, this one stood out of all of them. I couldn’t really describe it.

I inched forward just a little bit, and she didn’t do anything to stop me. She just kept staring into my eyes as I stared into hers. I could feel her breathe on my face as she tried not to move. I could hear a powerful beating coming from one of or both of us, as I went even closer.

We were almost touching. I moved closer and closed my eyes, and... The bell rang. That smacked me back into reality pretty fast. I looked down at her and she was blushing and looking away from me. I quickly got to my feet and held out a hand to help her up.

She reached up for my hand and grabbed it. As I pulled her up I noticed that her hand was shaking. Who would’ve thought that I would make a girl shake?

“I’m sorry about that.” I said. Something just came over me.” I embarrassingly said. She looked at me and looked like she was going to say something, but thought better of it. Instead she just looked at me and bent down “carefully” and picked up the soccer ball.

"Are you new?" I asked her. She smiled that dazzling smile at me and said,”Yeah, my names Sarah. I just moved here over the weekend. Again, I'm really sorry about hitting you." she said while trying to suppress a laugh.
“Also, let’s keep what just happened between us.” She winked and said to me. I couldn’t even respond, I had to kick start my brain and start moving towards the school. I walked beside her as we approached the front steps of the school.

“I’ll see you later.” I said, as I walked towards my locker. She waved good-bye and walked the other way. I watched her walk away and as I was watching she looked back at me and caught me staring at her. I just blushed and walked towards my locker.

The day passed pretty quickly, I had only one class with Sarah. The class I had with her was Science. That was my last class of the day to.

During Science, we were learning about breaking down water molecules. I didn’t really pay attention because I was looking and thinking about Sarah most of the time. So when the teacher called on me, I got chewed out and everyone just laughed at me.

The school day ended, and I went to my locker to get all my gear together. On the way down the stair case, I noticed Sarah was talking to another boy in the stairwell. I’m not usually one to get jealous, but that kind of made me a little, well, jealous.

As I walked by them, I could hear a little of what they were saying. “So what are you doing later tonight?” the boy asked. From the sound of his voice it kinda sounded like he was getting at something, and I’m pretty sure I had an idea of what.

“Well, I still have to unpack all my stuff, which is A LOT.” Sarah responded. As she was saying this, she must have seen me walking by, because she told the boy that she would see him later and ran over to my side as I was walking out the front doors of the school.

“Hey!” Sarah said. I looked back at her to see her smiling that dazzling smile again at me. “Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ don’t have the soccer ball on me so you should be safe for now.”

I had to smile and laugh a little at that. “What do you mean I should be safe for now?” I responded quaintly. She just laughed and walked with me towards the bike rack.

“So, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but what was that guy wanting to do later tonight with you?” I said. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about, and then she made a face that said she remembered.

“He was just offering to give me a tour of the town, since I’m new here and all.” She said, while looking into my eyes. I felt that feeling again and didn’t know what to make of it. Everything just felt heavy as that feeling got stronger and stronger, till it felt like I was going to drown in my own feelings.

“I could give you a tour of the town instead.” I blurted. She looked at me, smiled, and said, “That would be amazing! What day and what time?” she asked. I had to think about that one. I think the only day I had free was Tuesday, which was tomorrow.

“Ummm, I’m good for tomorrow after school. Is that okay with you?” I asked. She thought about it and after a short pause shook her head yes. I watched as her head bobbed up and down and as her hair whirled around her like a meadow breeze was blowing it.

It suddenly just hit me that this could be a date!! I looked into her eyes, and again felt myself falling again into the sea of emotions. I was going to ask if it was a date but thought better of it. I didn’t want to say that and break the fragile friendship we had, plus she just moved her. I have to give her time to settle in before doing something like that.

I suddenly realized I had stepped forward when I was thinking. I was also staring into her eyes as she was staring back at mine. She didn’t move when I stepped forward, our faces only inches away. There wouldn’t be a bell to break us up this time.

I heard and felt that drum beating again loud and faster than ever. We were almost touching again. I closed my eyes and leaned in…

I felt the softest thing brush against my lips and push back with extreme passion. I put my arms around her waist as she put her arms around my neck. I felt like I had just done the impossible, I felt invincible. I could’ve swore I heard fireworks when we held on to each other like that for at least a good twenty seconds.

I didn’t want it to end but as does everything, it did. As I opened my eyes, I noticed that she was blushing different colors of scarlet. I was lost for words as I looked at her beautiful features and felt my own embarrassment.

She looked at me and said, “I have to go, I’ll see you later.” She then pushed past me walking towards the crossing from the school to the other street. I watched her go, mesmerized at what just happened.

Then reality snapped back in place. I looked at the sky; the sun was going down even more. I had to get home before it was dark and my mom chewed me out. I fixed my backpack into a more comfortable position on my back and headed over to the bike rack.

I got my bike out and started peddling home. I couldn’t really think straight as I was crossing the main drag of town. I mean, I barely even knew this girl and we already kissed!! How often does that happen in your lifetime?! I couldn’t really know if this was meant to be or not. I’ll just accept fate I thought to myself.

As I finally turned on the last road, I could see my house. I turned into my driveway and jumped off my bike to unlock the garage. As soon as I got that put away I went into the house and went in my room. I got all my homework out and done by seven o’clock.

Then, I had the rest of the night to think. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. I only could think about Sarah, and that kiss. Did I do it too hard or too soft? Was it the right time or not?

I thought like that the rest of the night and finally around eleven o’clock, I made a decision of what I was going to do. Tomorrow morning, (if I don’t get the air hit out of me again) I’m going to ask her out. Then the tour later that day would turn into a date. It all seemed so clear at that point. Well I’m just going to have to see if it really was.

Present day…

As usual, my brother woke me up; I took my shower, and got my gear together for school. I looked out my window to see it was a sunny day!! That meant good luck to me. As I got my bike out of the garage, I started thinking about Sarah again. The feeling felt like they had gotten stronger (which I didn’t think was possible).

I finally reached the school. As I went along the sidewalk, I saw Sarah waiting by the bike rack. “Could she be waiting for me?!” I thought to myself. I felt the feeling wash over me again getting rid of any nervousness.

As I approached the bike rack, I noticed that she had kind of dressed up. She was wearing a light blue top with a flower design up and down the left side, normal blue jeans, and she brushed her hair out more, which I didn’t know how, that was possible.

When I got there, she smiled that smile again and I my heart skipped a few beats and then stopped. I realized I forgot to breathe and quickly inhaled a gust of wind. As I put my bike into the rack and locked, she came over to me.

“Morning,” she said. “Sleep well?” She said to me. I had just recovered from my daze and shook my head saying yes.

“Yes, I slept quite well actually.” I responded with confidence in my voice as I felt that washing over me. I looked into her dark brown eyes and remembered what I decided last night. She must have sensed that I was thinking about something, because she said, “What’s on your mind?”

I thought about how I was going to say it for a couple seconds. When I decided what I wanted to say, I went to speak but I froze up. I opened my mouth several times before I could speak.

“Sarah,” I said, “I know that things are kind of moving fast, but yesterday...” I said while looking directly in her eyes. “Yesterday,” I repeated, “I felt as if I was going to die if you weren’t with me. After we kissed I felt positive that, that was the way it was meant to be. What I’m trying to say Sarah, is will you go out with me?”

At first she looked stunned and that turned into sorrow. She looked at the ground for awhile then looked me in my eyes. What I saw there killed me. She had regret and tears in her eyes. She looked like she was going to say something, but just closed her mouth.

“Wesley,” she said as she was trying to hold back a wave of tears, “about yesterday. That wasn’t meant to be. I don’t feel towards you that strongly and I’m truly sorry about the pain that I’ve put you through. I hope you’ll forgive me. My answer to your question is going to be no. I hope that this doesn’t affect the friendship between us.”

But I didn’t hear the last part. The world had shattered around me as I read and heard her lips say no. I felt like I had just been shot in my heart. I felt an aching pain from my chest and a wave of tears threatened to come out from their sleep. I looked into her eyes as if I was going to lose sight of her forever.


END


Anyone who thought this story was good, please let me know. I’ll be writing more to this later on.

Hullo Jalmoc! Welcome to YWS! Oh, and thanks for requesting!

This is how things work in my reviews: I'll nitpick first, then I'll talk about my impression of the whole story (what I liked about it). Awesome things will be pointed out; unnecessary stuff as well.

Like this sentence:

Sometime in the past….

You honestly don't need to write that down. A simple little "----" or "****" will do the trick, like so:

I felt like I had just been shot. The world shattered around me as I read her lips in slow motion as she talked to me….

---------------

It seemed like a normal day in Plymouth, IN.

It had my books, bed, T.V., guitar, posters, etc. in it.

It would be great if you expanded this. What colour is Wesley's bedsheets? Was his guitar bright and shiny?
Giving your readers a glimpse of his room would be like giving them a key to his personality --- which is very important in any story. I've read the whole story twice, and I don't really see anything special or remotely human about him (except that he wants to kiss Sarah and that he's afraid of being teased). What are his flaws? His strengths?

She had brunette hair, with blonde highlights, that fell down her back like a waterfall, dark brown eyes that glistened like fireflies in the night, and a dazzling smile.

Again, expand this. How dark was her hair? How dazzling was her smile? And so on and so on.

“Well, I still have to unpack all my stuff, which is A LOT.” Sarah responded.

No CAPS, please.

Then reality snapped back in place. I looked at the sky; the sun was going down even more. I had to get home before it was dark and my mom chewed me out. I fixed my backpack into a more comfortable position on my back and headed over to the bike rack.

I don't know why, but I really liked this paragraph. I'm weird like that. XD

Tomorrow morning, (if I don’t get the air hit out of me again) I’m going to ask her out. Then the tour later that day would turn into a date. It all seemed so clear at that point. Well I’m just going to have to see if it really was.

Why did you suddenly change from past tense into present tense? It's confusing to us readers, you know.

“Could she be waiting for me?!”

Thoughts in italics, please.

I don’t feel towards you that strongly and I’m truly sorry about the pain that I’ve put you through.

What pain? Huh? (This sentence doesn't really make sense in the story.)

I liked this. Actually, I think if you told us more about the attraction that Wesley felt for Sarah, it would become a pretty wonderful love story! (And this comes from a Twilight-hater.) But beware --- I've seen many good first drafts turn into rubbishy, ridden with cliches stories. Just be careful with the "love-at-first-sight" thing, and expand the whole story.

Keep writing --- PM me if you have any questions or if you want me to read the edited version!

~iceprincess =]

P.S:

Anyone who thought this story was good, please let me know. I’ll be writing more to this later on.

Any story is good --- it depends on how you write it, my friend.

HEY! So this story is very good and you should write another. I saw some grammar mistakes.

I'm Sorry about that," I said "Something came over me

You just forgot a comma and a quotation mark!

Last Class of the day, too.

...plus, she just moved here.

Thats just some silly mistakes stuff and you need to proof-read before u post.

Overall, I think it was a really cute story but the end was sad. I wanted them to be together. But thisway, there's a conflict and no happily after after ending which I HATE. And when you're exploring the romance genre, it can be very tempting to make it all goody and mushy, but I prefer a longer and more complicating storyline.
Good Job and keep writing!!!

Hi there, I enjoyed reading the story but what I don't understand is that at the end of it she refuses his love however during the course of the story you make it seem like she has feelings for him. For example when the other guy asks to take her around she is not so up for it but when he does she is really happy, or the way she looks or talks to him; that to me seemed a bit contradictory compared to how you ended it.

I liked the way you described his actions at the start e.g.

I found the button I was looking for and tiredly, pushed it. As my favorite radio station came on, I threw off my blankets and sat up. I reached over and turned my lamp on. I looked around my room as the light chased away the darkness that threatened to swallow me and everything in sight.

After my shower, I got all my gear together for school. That included my backpack, ten pound books, and my planner. I went out the front door and looked around me. It was the middle of November, so it was chilly, plus it just rained. I went to the garage to get my bike. I had to open the garage in the twilight like morning, so there wasn‘t that much light. After I got my bike out, I started towards school.

I think you could definitely add more description related not only to thei feelings that you quite made clear but also the look of the actual characters. When you was talking about the main character I didn't really know how to imagine him. The handsome boy that has every girl at their feet but thinks he found the one or the clumsy one, down to earth that every girl takes as a best friend or some other type of boy. The point is that you didn't really specify how he looks or what kind of person he is. About the girl I think you could have enchanced her physical features and simple jestures that made him attracted to her. You could indent in more the atmoshpere around them and the surrounding especially in that crucial moment where she tells him she doesn't feel the same way as him. In addition to this I think you rushed a bit with the story with him confessing his love so quickly, I think that you should have made them get to know each other a bit more so you would be able to describe the characters much more but also make us feel sorry for the narrator in a way but at the end of the day this is your story.

I definitely think you should keep going with the story, I want to know where is going but please make sure, as somonelse said, to not make it the as so many other stories. Good luck

P.S. Please PM me if I wasn't that clear, it's the middle of the night and I am not that focused.

Hello there, Jalmoc!

Here as requested. :3

Seeing those previous reviewers above me have pretty covered up those errors I've also noticed, I think it's not needed for me to do a line-by-line review anymore. However, I might nitpicks on some things.

Punctuations:

“Bubby, time to get up.” he said. I just grunted my sleepy thanks as I reached for the remote to my stereo.

"I'm really sorry about that." I said.

"It's alright; I’ve had worse than that." I stated.

Again, I'm really sorry about hitting you." she said while trying to suppress a laugh.

This is actually the first thing I've noticed and I'm surprised that the reviewers before me haven't got to cover up this one. * scratches her head* Anyways, maybe that's why I'm here. Okay, so remember that when you use a speech tag such as- said, exclaimed, stated, answered and etc., you should try not to forget to always end your dialog with a comma not a period. For more informations, see Demeter's helpful thread about
Punctuation within Dialogue".

How I would write it:

“I’m sorry about that,” I said, "something just came over me.”

Saying "said" twice is a repetition and unnecessary already.

Blinked the sleep from my eyes and stiffly stood up. My room wasn’t that big. It had my books, bed, T.V., guitar, posters, etc. in it. I walked around my bed to my closet to get my stuff ready for my shower. I selected the clothes that I wanted, and then I walked to the bathroom. I had to open my door (which is like a wall), go through the kitchen and dining room and finally turned into the small bathroom.

Honestly speaking, this doesn't interest me. The way you have written this might have completely bore your reader, allowing them to skip this particular paragraph. You do a bit of telling- a minus point here. And plus, as what they have said, you need to depict more descriptions and don't only limit your character of doing his usual routine. What I mean is that, illustrate the sun rising up to the sky, the temperature, the smell and everything he can sense. However, just don't go beyond of showing, okay? In my own view, it's like you've made the pace fast so that your main character could get to school so he can meet the 'unexpected' girl. What I have in mind is that you can just actually erase the first part and let the story begin on your character's way to school. Instead of writing all active verbs (that starts from "I had", "I walked" )which looks uninteresting.

Pace and Characters:

I think you should slow down the pace; you're making the storyline too fast. Anyways, there's always a time for the climax and the ending. So, I should suggest that you need to develop more of the emotional behavior between your two characters. Don't jump into scenes that can make your readers confused and surprised (especially the kissing part), or else the piece would totally look unrealistic. And I don't remember you mentioning your main character's name, if so, what part? Maybe it is just me but I couldn't really connect with him. though it is a good thing you've placed some of his thoughts but it feels so lacking. I don't even know his personality and what is in the girl that the likes the most? Yes, he likes her but I think it is just a puppy love, or a love at first sight. So, develop your characters and slow down the pace.

Others:

I looked back at her to see her smiling that dazzling smile again at me.

Please, you have mentioned this twice already. So how about exploring on new words? Repetition are sometimes never fun to read and they could even threw off your reader.

And speaking of grammar, there are some sentences that are phrased awkwardly so you might want to fix those things. Your verb consistency and spellings are almost good so I think you deserve a pat on the shoulder for that. And lastly, Show don't tell. (<<---Here's a link for your guidance about it. )


All in all:

The concept of the story in fact made this interesting but just like I've said, you need to work on some few things. There are errors, yes, but I think taking into account your review's suggestion might possibly turn this piece into a very good romantic short story. So when all's said and done, this has a potential, Jalmoc. And again, I apologize if ever I was harsh or something that caused a tear rolling down your eyes. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

I adore romance!

Okay, so it was sort of confusing. You should italic the past, then keep the present in normal font.
I really like your plot though, and your descriptions are lovely.
I really enjoyed this piece! Please tell me you wrote more.
Write on my wall if you have any questions
~WickedWonder

Alrighty, Jalmoc

Nitpicks

It seemed like a normal day in Plymouth, IN.

I would use the whole name of the state instead of just the initials.

“Bubby, time to get up.” he said.

You need a comma after up not a period.
Here's a basic introduction to comma rules and punctuation you take a quick look at. http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp
It helped me before and maybe it'll help you a little. Of course that is just basic rules, if you still need to go into depth they have plenty of good sites on google.

I reached over and turned my lamp on.

Hold on, I thought it was morning, why would he need to turn on the light? Unless it's night...

I had to open the garage in the twilight like morning, so there wasn‘t that much light.

*wasn't the apostrophe there isn't right.
Also, I nearly had a heart attack when I read twilight. Not in a good way but I know you didn't mean to have it like that. It's the word itself that has been poisoned >.> Haha.

School seemed so peaceful compared to the semi-chaotic downtown. Boy was I wrong.

The usage of the word Seemed is a little off-setting here. It doesn't match. I suggest you change it to something else.
I suggest:
I thought school would be peaceful compared to the semi-chaotic downtown. Boy, was I wrong...

"Heads up!!!"

Three exclamation points here is unnecessary. Just use one.

First, I got hit with a soccer ball. Second I got hit with a soccer ball by a girl, and last I got hit by a girl!!!

I like this bit of humor.

"I'm really sorry about that." she said.

Note what I said before about the periods.

“Hey there’s the kid who got beat by a girl!!”

I don't think it would be that exaggerated. *shrugs* it depends on the school and the people I guess

As I did that, she bent down to pick up the soccer ball, but on her way down, she somehow tripped and fell forward.

Honestly, you can't trip while bending down unless you have one foot. Maybe while she walked toward the ball, she tripped?

As I pulled her up I noticed that her hand was shaking. Who would’ve thought that I would make a girl shake?

Hahaha. I hate it when I do that! >.<
Super embarrassing, I feel like dying.

“I’m sorry about that.” I said. Something just came over me.” I embarrassingly said.

You're missing a quote-mark here.

“Also, let’s keep what just happened between us.” She winked and said to me. I couldn’t even respond, I had to kick start my brain and start moving towards the school. I walked beside her as we approached the front steps of the school.

Keep what between them? That they fell down? haha.

The day passed pretty quickly, I had only one class with Sarah. The class I had with her was Science. That was my last class of the day to.

All this could be summed up into two sentences.
The day passed pretty quickly. I realized that I shared my last period class with Sarah, science. (Suggestion)

“So, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but what was that guy wanting to do later tonight with you?” I said. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about, and then she made a face that said she remembered.

I thought that was kind of a stalker-ish way to ask that. Lol

Overall, I'm not going to nitpick all of this but decided to just skip to the overall here
Hope you don't mind. My main critique with this piece is that it lacks that special connection. What about this girl does he like so much? I mean, one fall does not make two lovers, right? First it's physical attraction, but go deeper than that. Tell us her personality, what about her does he love?
Anyways, I still think this was a pretty okay piece. I mean, I'm guessing that's his first crush or something because the innocent way it was written. Anyways sorry for shortness, if you need a better review for something else, be sure to let me know!
Cheers,

~Pink

I got to agree with wicked! it was a bit confusing,but i loved the plot!
and the ending,it was very dramatic. there were some wrong grammar, but other than that i loved it
keep writing! hope to read more of your stories!
~Book Person~

Hiya!

I'm going to be extreme on this.

First of all, this is all too narrative. 'I did this, then I did this, then I did that.' I used to have the same bad habit, I still do. The truth is that nobody is really interested in how your character gets ready in the morning, unless there is something particularly interesting about it. Here is a great opportunity for us to get to know your character. What radio station comes on, what kind of posters are on the wall? Including things like this will help get your reader more involved in the story, and will take the dullness out of the morning get-ready routine.

Now, here's a challenge. Limit yourself to only one 'I' per paragraph. You use it all the time, I'll not try counting how many times it is used in this piece, but it's way too much. The easiest way to get rid of it is to rephrase sentences. For example 'I found the button I was looking for and tiredly, pushed it,' instead you could say 'it was always a struggle to find the button and push it sleepily.' I know that's not the best example, but you get the idea, right?

That 'I' thing is a huge problem, and I would say it's the most important habit to break.

Heya, Jal

I'm here to review as requested, and I'm sorry I've taken a while. Like you asked, I'll mention any grammatical errors that I find. On that note, let's begin! xD

I woke up as my brother knocked on my door. “Bubby, time to get up,” he said.

I found the button I was looking for and tiredly, pushed it.

You don't need this comma here.

I blinked the sleep from my eyes and stiffly stood up.

I had to open my door (which was like a wall), go through the kitchen, the dining room and finally turned into the small bathroom.

I don't really understand how a door can be like a wall... xD

When I got to school I sighed in relief.

I fell to my knees, as I tried to get the air back in my lungs.

You don't need this comma.

"I'm really sorry about that," she said.

She had brunette hair, with blonde highlights, that fell down her back like a waterfall. [color=#FF0000](Just above her nose were) dark brown eyes that glistened like fireflies in the night, and (underneath was) a dazzling smile.

I found this description long for just one sentence. You don't have to do what I suggested, but I would advise changing it to something similar.

"It's all right; I’ve had worse than that," I stated.

I could hear it now, “Hey there’s the kid who got beat by a girl!!”

You seem to be using an awful lot of exclamation marks, so I'd suggest cutting down slightly.

I could hear a powerful beating coming from one of or both of us, as I leaned in even closer.

This comma isn't needed.

I moved closer, closed my eyes, and... The bell rang.

“I’m sorry about that,” I said, "something just came over me.” I embarrassingly said.

You don't necessarily need the last part here.

She smiled that dazzling smile at me and said, "yeah, my name's Sarah. I just moved here over the weekend. Again, I'm really sorry about hitting you," she said while trying to suppress a laugh.

You're using "said" a lot. I'd suggest varying your verbs after dialogue to bring it to life a bit more.

“Also, let’s keep what just happened between us.” She winked and said to me.

“I’ll see you later,” I said, as I walked towards my locker. She waved good-bye and walked the other way. I watched her walk away and as I was watching[color=#FF0000],[/color] she looked back at me and caught me staring at her.

The day passed pretty quickly; I had only one class with Sarah. The class I had with her was Science. That was my last class of the day too.

I wasn't usually one to get jealous, but that kind of made me a little, well, jealous.

“So, what are you doing later tonight?” the boy asked. From the sound of his voice it kind of sounded like he was getting at something, and I was pretty sure I had an idea of what.

“Well, I still have to unpack all of my stuff, which is a lot,” Sarah responded.

If you want to make the "A lot" stand out, I wouldn't advise capitalising it. Italicizing it woks much more effectively.

As she was saying this, she must have seen me walking by, because she told the boy that she would see him later. She ran over to my side as I was walking out of the front doors of the school.

“Hey!” Sarah said. I looked back at her to see her smiling that dazzling smile again at me. “Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ don’t have the soccer ball on me so you should be safe for now.”

You've already used something awfully similar to the part I highlighted in red before, and it sounded a little repetitive.

“He was just offering to give me a tour of the town, since I’m new here and all,” she said, while looking into my eyes.

“I could give you a tour of the town instead,” I blurted. She looked at me, smiled, and said, “that would be amazing! What day and what time?” she asked.

She thought about it and after a short pause, and nod her head yes.

I had to give her time to settle in before doing something like that.

She didn’t moved when I stepped forward, our faces only inches away.

I heard and felt that drum beating again, louder and faster than ever.

I felt the softest thing brush against my lips and push back with extreme passion. I put my arms around her waist as she put her arms around my neck. I felt like I had just done the impossible, I felt invincible. I could’ve sworn I heard fireworks when we held onto each other like that for at least a good twenty seconds.

I like the way you've written this, but I can't help but feel that this is a little to early on in the story. I'd prefer for the kiss to be a bit later on because I'd like to see your characters relationship develop before they kiss.

I didn’t want it to end but as did everything, it did.

Then reality snapped back into place.

You've also used a phrase similar to this before.

I mean, I barely even knew this girl and we'd already kissed!! How often did that happen in your lifetime?! I couldn’t really know if this was meant to be or not. I’ll just accept fate, I thought to myself.

I suggest italicising thoughts.

As soon as I got that put it away, I went into the house and went into my room.

I thought like that for the rest of the night and finally, around eleven o’clock, I made a decision of what I was going to do. Tomorrow morning - if I didn't get the air hit out of me again - I was going to ask her out.

Well. I was just going to have to see if it really was.

I looked out of my window to see it was a sunny day!!

The feelings felt like they had gotten stronger, which I didn’t think was possible.

As I went along the sidewalk, I saw Sarah waiting by the bike rack. Could she be waiting for me?!, I thought to myself. I felt the feeling wash over me again, getting rid of any nervousness.

She was wearing a light blue top with a flower design up and down the left side and normal blue jeans. She'd brushed her hair out more, which I didn’t know, that was possible.

When I got there, she smiled that smile again and I my heart skipped a few beats before stopping again.

“Morning,” she said. “Sleep well?” She said to me. I had just recovered from my daze and shook my head, saying yes.

“Sarah,” I said, “I know that things are kind of moving fast, but yesterday...” I said while looking directly into her eyes. “Yesterday,” I repeated, “I felt as if I was going to die if you weren’t with me. After we kissed I felt positive that, that was the way it was meant to be. What I’m trying to say Sarah, is will you go out with me?”

I find this a little over dramatic. He's known her for a day, yet he feels like he'll die without her.

She looked at the ground for a while[color=#FF0000],[/color] then looked me in my eyes.

“Wesley,” she said as she was trying to hold back a wave of tears, “about yesterday. That wasn’t meant to be. I don’t feel that strongly towards you and I’m truly sorry about the pain that I’ve put you through. I hope you’ll forgive me. My answer to your question is going to be no. I hope that this doesn’t affect the friendship between us.”

This sounded a bit too... formal, I suppose. It almost sounds rehearsed, as though Sarah was expecting this and had thought of a response before hand.


Overall

As a whole, this was pretty good. There were errors that I found, and I do have a few things to suggest. Overall though, it's a pretty promising piece and I can see that it has potential. Some of your descriptions, especially your physical descriptions, were really quite good. I did find that a few of them were a little repetitive; you used a couple of them a few times, but they were good. As a whole, your grammar wasn't too bas actually. I did notice that you had some dialogue punctuation issues, but there was nothing overly serious. I didn't notice any obvious misspelled words - a few little errors, but nothing big, so that's another positive. Now onto the more gritty stuff...

If I'm honest, I don't think I really have much more to add to what others have already said. You've gotten a pile of good, helpful critiques, so I'm going to struggle to find something helpful to add. My main issue is that I'd like to see you slowing things down a bit. I know that you mentioned in the piece that everything was moving fast, but I wasn't really keen on that. I mean, in reality, stuff like that doesn't really happen. You don't kiss a person the day you meet them and automatically fall in love with them, unless you're drunk or something...

What I'd actually suggest is for you to skip the kiss the day they meet, and go to the next day where your MC is giving Sarah a tour around the area. Show us your characters getting closer during that time. Make them crack jokes, laugh with with other, talk about whatever, and simply make them bond. Your MC can be a bit head over heels by the end of the night, and then he tries to kiss Sarah. Maybe you could make Sarah go along with it for a few seconds before pulling away. She could apologise to him then and explain how she feels e.t.c. Does that make sense? Just remember that relationships don't just happen, they progress after some time.

The only other thing that I really have to mention which hasn't been explained already is about your use of words. You seem to be playing a little on the safe side, especially when it comes to repeating words and phrases you've already used. I noted some areas where I noticed this in the nit-picks. Some of the repetitive words I found a lot in this were actually verbs, especially in dialogue. For example, you used walk, smile, and said a lot. Try varying your words a bit. The reason that I want you to do this is because it helps bring your story to life more.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Im kaka and I am going to reveiw for you today.

I felt like I had just been shot. The world shattered around me as I read her lips in slow motion as she talked to me….Is this supposed to describe the way he feels at the end?! Very unsure beginning.

Sometime in the past….This is not needed and confusing.

It seemed like a normal day in Plymouth, IN. I woke up as my brother knocked on my door. “Bubby, time to get up.” he said. I just grunted my sleepy thanks as I reached for the remote to my stereo.

I found the button I was looking for and tiredly, pushed it. As my favorite radio station came on, I threw off my blankets and sat up. I reached over and turned my lamp on. I looked around my room as the light chased away the darkness that threatened to swallow me and everything in sight.Enjoyed this sentence. Good description.

Blinked the sleep from my eyes and stiffly stood up. My room wasn’t that big. It had my books, bed, T.V., guitar, posters, etc. in it. I walked around my bed to my closet to get my stuff ready for my shower. I selected the clothes that I wanted, and then I walked to the bathroom. I had to open my door (which is like a wall), go through the kitchen and dining room and finally turned into the small bathroom.This whole paragraph just isn't needed at all. Who cares what his room has in it or how he gets to the bathroom?!

After my shower, I got all my gear together for school. That included my backpack, ten pound books, and my planner.Again no one cares what is in his bag. GET TO THE POINT! I went out the front door and looked around me. It was the middle of November, so it was chilly, plus it just rained. I went to the garage to get my bike. I had to open the garage in the twilight like morning, so there wasn‘t that much light. After I got my bike out, I started towards school.

When I got to school I sighed relief. School seemed so peaceful compared to the semi-chaotic downtown. Boy was I wrong.

"Heads up!!!" someone yelled from behind me. I turned my head just in time to see a ball rushing over the ground towards my chest. Out of reflex, I ducked, but didn't make it.

Thud!! I felt the ball hit me full in the chest as all the air was knocked out of me. I fell to my knees, as I was trying to get the air back in my lungs.

"Sorry!!" I looked up to see where the voice was coming from and didn't expect what I saw. As I looked up, I saw a girl running towards me. First, I got hit with a soccer ball. Second I got hit with a soccer ball by a girl, and last I got hit by a girl!!![color=#FF0000 You must really like exclaimation marks. Don't use so many, its distracting. [/color]
"I'm really sorry about that." she said. As I startedTry as I began to stand up, I noticed that she was a few inches shorter than me. She had brunette hair, with blonde highlights, that fell down her back like a waterfall, dark brown eyes that glistened like fireflies in the night, and a dazzling smile.Nice description here.Well placed.

"It's alright; I’ve had worse than that." I stated. I blushed a little at how I got the air beat out of me by a girl. That was going to stick with me for a while. I canI could hear it now hear it now, “Hey there’s the kid who got beat by a girl!!”

I brushed myself offbrushed myself down, and grabbed my bag off the ground. As I did that, she bent down to pick up the soccer ball, but on her way down, she somehow tripped and fell forward.

I saw her start to fall forward, and lunged toward her just in time to keep her from striking the hard pavement. When I opened my eyes, I noticed that our faces were only a few inches apart.

I felt my heart start to accelerate way past the limits it was supposed to. As I was looking into her eyes I felt like I had just unlocked the door to the cosmos. I suddenly was hit with wave after wave of emotions. But, this one stood out of all of them. I couldn’t really describe it.

I inched forward just a little bit, and she didn’t do anything to stop me. She just kept staring into my eyes as I stared into hers. I could feel her breathe on my face as she tried not to move. I could hear a powerful beating Powerful beating???coming from one of or both of us, as I went even closer.

We were almost touching. I moved closer and closed my eyes, and... The bell rang. That smackedpulled me back into reality pretty fast. I looked down at her andtake away the and here. she was blushing and looking away from me. I quickly got to my feet and held out a hand to help her up.

She reached up for my hand and grabbed it. As I pulled her up I noticed that her hand was shaking. Who would’ve thought that I would make a girl shake?

“I’m sorry about that.” I said. Something just came over me.” I embarrassingly said.This doesn't read right. Try I siad in embarrasment. She looked at me and looked like she was going to say something, but thought better of it. Instead she just looked at me and bent down “carefully” and picked up the soccer ball.

"Are you new?" Sounds like she's a book on a shelf. Try Are you new around here?I asked her. She smiled that dazzling smile at me and said,”Yeah, my names Sarah. I just moved here over the weekend. Again, I'm really sorry about hitting you." she said while trying to suppress a laugh.
“Also, let’s keep what just happened between us.” She winked and said to me. I couldn’t even respond, I had to kick start my brain and start moving towards the school. I walked beside her as we approached the front steps of the school.

“I’ll see you later.” I said, as I walked towards my locker. She waved good-bye and walked the other way. I watched her walk away and as I was watching she looked back at me and caught me staring at her. I just blushed and walked towards my locker.

The day passed pretty quickly, I had only one class with Sarah. The class I had with her was Science. That was my last class of the day to.

During Science, we were learning about breaking down water molecules. I didn’t really pay attention because I was looking and thinking about Sarah most of the time.If you were not paying attention how did you know he was talking about molecules. So when the teacher called on me, I got chewed outChewed out? and everyone just laughed at me.

The school day ended, and I went to my locker to get all my gear together. On the way down the stair case, I noticed Sarah was talking to another boy in the stairwell. I’m not usually one to get jealous, but that kind of made me a little, well, jealous.

As I walked by them, I could hear a little of what they were saying. “So what are you doing later tonight?” the boy asked. From the sound of his voice it kinda sounded like he was getting at something, and I’m pretty sure I had an idea of what.

“Well, I still have to unpack all my stuff, which is A LOT.” Sarah responded. As she was saying this, she must have seen me walking by, because she told the boy that she would see him later and ran over to my side as I was walking out the front doors of the school.

“Hey!” Sarah said. I looked back at her to see her smiling that dazzling smile again at me. “Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ don’t have the soccer ball on me so you should be safe for now.”

I had to smile and laugh a little at that. “What do you mean I should be safe for now?” I responded quaintly. She just laughed and walked with me towards the bike rack.

“So, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but what was that guy wanting to do later tonight with you?” I said. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about, and then she made a face that said she remembered.

“He was just offering to give me a tour of the town, since I’m new here and all.” She said, while looking into my eyes. I felt that feeling again and didn’t know what to make of it. Everything just felt heavy as that feeling got stronger and stronger, till it felt like I was going to drown in my own feelings.

“I could give you a tour of the town instead.” I blurted. She looked at me, smiled, and said, “That would be amazing! What day and what time?” she asked. I had to think about that one. I think the only day I had free was Tuesday, which was tomorrow.

“Ummm, I’m good for tomorrow after school. Is that okay with you?” I asked. She thought about it and after a short pause shook her head yes. I watched as her head bobbed up and down and as her hair whirled around her like a meadow breeze was blowing it.

It suddenly just hit me that this could be a date!! I looked into her eyes, and again felt myself falling again into the sea of emotions. I was going to ask if it was a date but thought better of it. I didn’t want to say that and break the fragile friendship we had, plus she just moved her. I have to give her time to settle in before doing something like that.

I suddenly realized I had stepped forward when I was thinking. I was also staring into her eyes as she was staring back at mine. She didn’t move when I stepped forward, our faces only inches away. There wouldn’t be a bell to break us up this time.

I heard and felt that drum beating again loud and faster than ever. We were almost touching again. I closed my eyes and leaned in…

I felt the softest thing[color=#FF0000 tHING?! Try her lips were soft as they brushed against mine.[/color] brush against my lips and push back with extreme passion. I put my arms around her waist as she put her arms around my neck. I felt like I had just done the impossible, I felt invincible. I could’ve swore I heard fireworks when we held on to each other like that for at least a good twenty seconds.Were you counting?

I didn’t want it to end but as does everything, it did. As I opened my eyes, I noticed that she was blushing different colors of scarlet. I was lost for words as I looked at her beautiful features and felt my own embarrassment.

She looked at me and said, “I have to go, I’ll see you later.” She then pushed past me walking towards the crossing from the school to the other street. I watched her go, mesmerized at what just happened.

Then reality snapped back in place. I looked at the sky; the sun was going down even more. I had to get home before it was dark and my mom chewed me out. I fixed my backpack into a more comfortable position on my back and headed over to the bike rack.

I got my bike out and started peddling home. I couldn’t really think straight as I was crossing the main drag of town. I mean, I barely even knew this girl and we already kissed!! How often does that happen in your lifetime?! I couldn’t really know if this was meant to be or not. I’ll just accept fate I thought to myself.

As I finally turned on the last road, I could see my house. I turned into my driveway and jumped off my bike to unlock the garage. As soon as I got that put away I went into the house and went in my room. I got all my homework out and done by seven o’clock.

Then, I had the rest of the night to think. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. I only could think about Sarah, and that kiss. Did I do it too hard or too soft? Was it the right time or not?

I thought like that the rest of the night and finally around eleven o’clock, I made a decision of what I was going to do. Tomorrow morning, (if I don’t get the air hit out of me again) I’m going to ask her out. Then the tour later that day would turn into a date. It all seemed so clear at that point. Well I’m just going to have to see if it really was.

Present day…This is confusing? What do you mean here?!

As usual, my brother woke me up; I took my shower, and got my gear together for school. I looked out my window to see it was a sunny day!! That meant good luck to me. As I got my bike out of the garage, I started thinking about Sarah again. The feeling felt like they Who is they?!had gotten stronger (which I didn’t think was possible). Is this back to the beginning or what?! :S

I finally reached the school. As I went along the sidewalk, I saw Sarah waiting by the bike rack. “Could she be waiting for me?!” I thought to myself. I felt the feeling wash over me again getting rid of any nervousness.

As I approached the bike rack, I noticed that she had kind of dressed up. She was wearing a light blue top with a flower design up and down the left side, normal blue jeans, and she brushed her hair out more, whichThough I didn’t know how, that was possible.

When I got there, she smiled that smile again and I my heart skipped a few beats and then stopped. I realized I forgot to breathe and quickly inhaled a gust of wind. As I put my bike into the rack and locked, she came over to me.

“Morning,” she said. “Sleep well?” She said to me. Too many saids I had just recovered from my daze and shook my head saying yes.

“Yes, I slept quite well actually.” I responded with confidence in my voice as I felt that washing over me. I looked into her dark brown eyes and remembered what I decided last night. She must have sensed that I was thinking about something, because she said, “What’s on your mind?”

I thought about how I was going to say it for a couple seconds. When I decided what I wanted to say, I went to speak but I froze up. I opened my mouth several times before I could speak.

“Sarah,” I said, “I know that things are kind of moving fast, but yesterday...” I said while looking directly in her eyes. “Yesterday,” I repeated, “I felt as if I was going to die if you weren’t with me. After we kissed I felt positive that, that was the way it was meant to be. What I’m trying to say Sarah, is will you go out with me?”

At first she looked stunned and that turned into sorrow. She looked at the ground for awhile then looked me in my eyes. What I saw there killed me. She had regret and tears in her eyes. She looked like she was going to say something, but just closed her mouth.

“Wesley,” she said as she was trying to hold back a wave of tears, “about yesterday. That wasn’t meant to be. I don’t feel towards you that strongly and I’m truly sorry about the pain that I’ve put you through. I hope you’ll forgive me. My answer to your question is going to be no. I hope that this doesn’t affect the friendship between us.”How come she had dressed up then, and had gone on the tour with him and not the other guy?!

But I didn’t hear the last part. The world had shattered around me as I read and heard her lips say no. I felt like I had just been shot in my heart. I felt an aching pain from my chest and a wave of tears threatened to come out from their sleep. I looked into her eyes as if I was going to lose sight of her forever. They'd met like what.. 2 days and he was heart broken?!


END

To be honest I didn't really enjoy your story. Im not trying to be too hearsh or anything, I'm sure you have great talent but maybe this time romance isn't your thing. Your plot was messy and your structure was plain confusing. You had plenty of grammatical mistakes and I felt that it was a bit rushed.
Mayeb try re reading and re writing. Hope I helped you and I don't mean to be horrible or anything.
Love
Kaka xx

Im kaka and I am going to reveiw for you today.

I felt like I had just been shot. The world shattered around me as I read her lips in slow motion as she talked to me….Is this supposed to describe the way he feels at the end?! Very unsure beginning.

Sometime in the past….This is not needed and confusing.

It seemed like a normal day in Plymouth, IN. I woke up as my brother knocked on my door. “Bubby, time to get up.” he said. I just grunted my sleepy thanks as I reached for the remote to my stereo.

I found the button I was looking for and tiredly, pushed it. As my favorite radio station came on, I threw off my blankets and sat up. I reached over and turned my lamp on. I looked around my room as the light chased away the darkness that threatened to swallow me and everything in sight.Enjoyed this sentence. Good description.

Blinked the sleep from my eyes and stiffly stood up. My room wasn’t that big. It had my books, bed, T.V., guitar, posters, etc. in it. I walked around my bed to my closet to get my stuff ready for my shower. I selected the clothes that I wanted, and then I walked to the bathroom. I had to open my door (which is like a wall), go through the kitchen and dining room and finally turned into the small bathroom.This whole paragraph just isn't needed at all. Who cares what his room has in it or how he gets to the bathroom?!

After my shower, I got all my gear together for school. That included my backpack, ten pound books, and my planner.Again no one cares what is in his bag. GET TO THE POINT! I went out the front door and looked around me. It was the middle of November, so it was chilly, plus it just rained. I went to the garage to get my bike. I had to open the garage in the twilight like morning, so there wasn‘t that much light. After I got my bike out, I started towards school.

When I got to school I sighed relief. School seemed so peaceful compared to the semi-chaotic downtown. Boy was I wrong.

"Heads up!!!" someone yelled from behind me. I turned my head just in time to see a ball rushing over the ground towards my chest. Out of reflex, I ducked, but didn't make it.

Thud!! I felt the ball hit me full in the chest as all the air was knocked out of me. I fell to my knees, as I was trying to get the air back in my lungs.

"Sorry!!" I looked up to see where the voice was coming from and didn't expect what I saw. As I looked up, I saw a girl running towards me. First, I got hit with a soccer ball. Second I got hit with a soccer ball by a girl, and last I got hit by a girl!!![color=#FF0000 You must really like exclaimation marks. Don't use so many, its distracting. [/color]
"I'm really sorry about that." she said. As I startedTry as I began to stand up, I noticed that she was a few inches shorter than me. She had brunette hair, with blonde highlights, that fell down her back like a waterfall, dark brown eyes that glistened like fireflies in the night, and a dazzling smile.Nice description here.Well placed.

"It's alright; I’ve had worse than that." I stated. I blushed a little at how I got the air beat out of me by a girl. That was going to stick with me for a while. I canI could hear it now hear it now, “Hey there’s the kid who got beat by a girl!!”

I brushed myself offbrushed myself down, and grabbed my bag off the ground. As I did that, she bent down to pick up the soccer ball, but on her way down, she somehow tripped and fell forward.

I saw her start to fall forward, and lunged toward her just in time to keep her from striking the hard pavement. When I opened my eyes, I noticed that our faces were only a few inches apart.

I felt my heart start to accelerate way past the limits it was supposed to. As I was looking into her eyes I felt like I had just unlocked the door to the cosmos. I suddenly was hit with wave after wave of emotions. But, this one stood out of all of them. I couldn’t really describe it.

I inched forward just a little bit, and she didn’t do anything to stop me. She just kept staring into my eyes as I stared into hers. I could feel her breathe on my face as she tried not to move. I could hear a powerful beating Powerful beating???coming from one of or both of us, as I went even closer.

We were almost touching. I moved closer and closed my eyes, and... The bell rang. That smackedpulled me back into reality pretty fast. I looked down at her andtake away the and here. she was blushing and looking away from me. I quickly got to my feet and held out a hand to help her up.

She reached up for my hand and grabbed it. As I pulled her up I noticed that her hand was shaking. Who would’ve thought that I would make a girl shake?

“I’m sorry about that.” I said. Something just came over me.” I embarrassingly said.This doesn't read right. Try I siad in embarrasment. She looked at me and looked like she was going to say something, but thought better of it. Instead she just looked at me and bent down “carefully” and picked up the soccer ball.

"Are you new?" Sounds like she's a book on a shelf. Try Are you new around here?I asked her. She smiled that dazzling smile at me and said,”Yeah, my names Sarah. I just moved here over the weekend. Again, I'm really sorry about hitting you." she said while trying to suppress a laugh.
“Also, let’s keep what just happened between us.” She winked and said to me. I couldn’t even respond, I had to kick start my brain and start moving towards the school. I walked beside her as we approached the front steps of the school.

“I’ll see you later.” I said, as I walked towards my locker. She waved good-bye and walked the other way. I watched her walk away and as I was watching she looked back at me and caught me staring at her. I just blushed and walked towards my locker.

The day passed pretty quickly, I had only one class with Sarah. The class I had with her was Science. That was my last class of the day to.

During Science, we were learning about breaking down water molecules. I didn’t really pay attention because I was looking and thinking about Sarah most of the time.If you were not paying attention how did you know he was talking about molecules. So when the teacher called on me, I got chewed outChewed out? and everyone just laughed at me.

The school day ended, and I went to my locker to get all my gear together. On the way down the stair case, I noticed Sarah was talking to another boy in the stairwell. I’m not usually one to get jealous, but that kind of made me a little, well, jealous.

As I walked by them, I could hear a little of what they were saying. “So what are you doing later tonight?” the boy asked. From the sound of his voice it kinda sounded like he was getting at something, and I’m pretty sure I had an idea of what.

“Well, I still have to unpack all my stuff, which is A LOT.” Sarah responded. As she was saying this, she must have seen me walking by, because she told the boy that she would see him later and ran over to my side as I was walking out the front doors of the school.

“Hey!” Sarah said. I looked back at her to see her smiling that dazzling smile again at me. “Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ don’t have the soccer ball on me so you should be safe for now.”

I had to smile and laugh a little at that. “What do you mean I should be safe for now?” I responded quaintly. She just laughed and walked with me towards the bike rack.

“So, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but what was that guy wanting to do later tonight with you?” I said. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about, and then she made a face that said she remembered.

“He was just offering to give me a tour of the town, since I’m new here and all.” She said, while looking into my eyes. I felt that feeling again and didn’t know what to make of it. Everything just felt heavy as that feeling got stronger and stronger, till it felt like I was going to drown in my own feelings.

“I could give you a tour of the town instead.” I blurted. She looked at me, smiled, and said, “That would be amazing! What day and what time?” she asked. I had to think about that one. I think the only day I had free was Tuesday, which was tomorrow.

“Ummm, I’m good for tomorrow after school. Is that okay with you?” I asked. She thought about it and after a short pause shook her head yes. I watched as her head bobbed up and down and as her hair whirled around her like a meadow breeze was blowing it.

It suddenly just hit me that this could be a date!! I looked into her eyes, and again felt myself falling again into the sea of emotions. I was going to ask if it was a date but thought better of it. I didn’t want to say that and break the fragile friendship we had, plus she just moved her. I have to give her time to settle in before doing something like that.

I suddenly realized I had stepped forward when I was thinking. I was also staring into her eyes as she was staring back at mine. She didn’t move when I stepped forward, our faces only inches away. There wouldn’t be a bell to break us up this time.

I heard and felt that drum beating again loud and faster than ever. We were almost touching again. I closed my eyes and leaned in…

I felt the softest thing[color=#FF0000 tHING?! Try her lips were soft as they brushed against mine.[/color] brush against my lips and push back with extreme passion. I put my arms around her waist as she put her arms around my neck. I felt like I had just done the impossible, I felt invincible. I could’ve swore I heard fireworks when we held on to each other like that for at least a good twenty seconds.Were you counting?

I didn’t want it to end but as does everything, it did. As I opened my eyes, I noticed that she was blushing different colors of scarlet. I was lost for words as I looked at her beautiful features and felt my own embarrassment.

She looked at me and said, “I have to go, I’ll see you later.” She then pushed past me walking towards the crossing from the school to the other street. I watched her go, mesmerized at what just happened.

Then reality snapped back in place. I looked at the sky; the sun was going down even more. I had to get home before it was dark and my mom chewed me out. I fixed my backpack into a more comfortable position on my back and headed over to the bike rack.

I got my bike out and started peddling home. I couldn’t really think straight as I was crossing the main drag of town. I mean, I barely even knew this girl and we already kissed!! How often does that happen in your lifetime?! I couldn’t really know if this was meant to be or not. I’ll just accept fate I thought to myself.

As I finally turned on the last road, I could see my house. I turned into my driveway and jumped off my bike to unlock the garage. As soon as I got that put away I went into the house and went in my room. I got all my homework out and done by seven o’clock.

Then, I had the rest of the night to think. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. I only could think about Sarah, and that kiss. Did I do it too hard or too soft? Was it the right time or not?

I thought like that the rest of the night and finally around eleven o’clock, I made a decision of what I was going to do. Tomorrow morning, (if I don’t get the air hit out of me again) I’m going to ask her out. Then the tour later that day would turn into a date. It all seemed so clear at that point. Well I’m just going to have to see if it really was.

Present day…This is confusing? What do you mean here?!

As usual, my brother woke me up; I took my shower, and got my gear together for school. I looked out my window to see it was a sunny day!! That meant good luck to me. As I got my bike out of the garage, I started thinking about Sarah again. The feeling felt like they Who is they?!had gotten stronger (which I didn’t think was possible). Is this back to the beginning or what?! :S

I finally reached the school. As I went along the sidewalk, I saw Sarah waiting by the bike rack. “Could she be waiting for me?!” I thought to myself. I felt the feeling wash over me again getting rid of any nervousness.

As I approached the bike rack, I noticed that she had kind of dressed up. She was wearing a light blue top with a flower design up and down the left side, normal blue jeans, and she brushed her hair out more, whichThough I didn’t know how, that was possible.

When I got there, she smiled that smile again and I my heart skipped a few beats and then stopped. I realized I forgot to breathe and quickly inhaled a gust of wind. As I put my bike into the rack and locked, she came over to me.

“Morning,” she said. “Sleep well?” She said to me. Too many saids I had just recovered from my daze and shook my head saying yes.

“Yes, I slept quite well actually.” I responded with confidence in my voice as I felt that washing over me. I looked into her dark brown eyes and remembered what I decided last night. She must have sensed that I was thinking about something, because she said, “What’s on your mind?”

I thought about how I was going to say it for a couple seconds. When I decided what I wanted to say, I went to speak but I froze up. I opened my mouth several times before I could speak.

“Sarah,” I said, “I know that things are kind of moving fast, but yesterday...” I said while looking directly in her eyes. “Yesterday,” I repeated, “I felt as if I was going to die if you weren’t with me. After we kissed I felt positive that, that was the way it was meant to be. What I’m trying to say Sarah, is will you go out with me?”

At first she looked stunned and that turned into sorrow. She looked at the ground for awhile then looked me in my eyes. What I saw there killed me. She had regret and tears in her eyes. She looked like she was going to say something, but just closed her mouth.

“Wesley,” she said as she was trying to hold back a wave of tears, “about yesterday. That wasn’t meant to be. I don’t feel towards you that strongly and I’m truly sorry about the pain that I’ve put you through. I hope you’ll forgive me. My answer to your question is going to be no. I hope that this doesn’t affect the friendship between us.”How come she had dressed up then, and had gone on the tour with him and not the other guy?!

But I didn’t hear the last part. The world had shattered around me as I read and heard her lips say no. I felt like I had just been shot in my heart. I felt an aching pain from my chest and a wave of tears threatened to come out from their sleep. I looked into her eyes as if I was going to lose sight of her forever. They'd met like what.. 2 days and he was heart broken?!


END

To be honest I didn't really enjoy your story. Im not trying to be too hearsh or anything, I'm sure you have great talent but maybe this time romance isn't your thing. Your plot was messy and your structure was plain confusing. You had plenty of grammatical mistakes and I felt that it was a bit rushed.
Mayeb try re reading and re writing. Hope I helped you and I don't mean to be horrible or anything.
Love
Kaka xx

Im kaka and I am going to reveiw for you today.

I felt like I had just been shot. The world shattered around me as I read her lips in slow motion as she talked to me….Is this supposed to describe the way he feels at the end?! Very unsure beginning.

Sometime in the past….This is not needed and confusing.

It seemed like a normal day in Plymouth, IN. I woke up as my brother knocked on my door. “Bubby, time to get up.” he said. I just grunted my sleepy thanks as I reached for the remote to my stereo.

I found the button I was looking for and tiredly, pushed it. As my favorite radio station came on, I threw off my blankets and sat up. I reached over and turned my lamp on. I looked around my room as the light chased away the darkness that threatened to swallow me and everything in sight.Enjoyed this sentence. Good description.

Blinked the sleep from my eyes and stiffly stood up. My room wasn’t that big. It had my books, bed, T.V., guitar, posters, etc. in it. I walked around my bed to my closet to get my stuff ready for my shower. I selected the clothes that I wanted, and then I walked to the bathroom. I had to open my door (which is like a wall), go through the kitchen and dining room and finally turned into the small bathroom.This whole paragraph just isn't needed at all. Who cares what his room has in it or how he gets to the bathroom?!

After my shower, I got all my gear together for school. That included my backpack, ten pound books, and my planner.Again no one cares what is in his bag. GET TO THE POINT! I went out the front door and looked around me. It was the middle of November, so it was chilly, plus it just rained. I went to the garage to get my bike. I had to open the garage in the twilight like morning, so there wasn‘t that much light. After I got my bike out, I started towards school.

When I got to school I sighed relief. School seemed so peaceful compared to the semi-chaotic downtown. Boy was I wrong.

"Heads up!!!" someone yelled from behind me. I turned my head just in time to see a ball rushing over the ground towards my chest. Out of reflex, I ducked, but didn't make it.

Thud!! I felt the ball hit me full in the chest as all the air was knocked out of me. I fell to my knees, as I was trying to get the air back in my lungs.

"Sorry!!" I looked up to see where the voice was coming from and didn't expect what I saw. As I looked up, I saw a girl running towards me. First, I got hit with a soccer ball. Second I got hit with a soccer ball by a girl, and last I got hit by a girl!!![color=#FF0000 You must really like exclaimation marks. Don't use so many, its distracting. [/color]
"I'm really sorry about that." she said. As I startedTry as I began to stand up, I noticed that she was a few inches shorter than me. She had brunette hair, with blonde highlights, that fell down her back like a waterfall, dark brown eyes that glistened like fireflies in the night, and a dazzling smile.Nice description here.Well placed.

"It's alright; I’ve had worse than that." I stated. I blushed a little at how I got the air beat out of me by a girl. That was going to stick with me for a while. I canI could hear it now hear it now, “Hey there’s the kid who got beat by a girl!!”

I brushed myself offbrushed myself down, and grabbed my bag off the ground. As I did that, she bent down to pick up the soccer ball, but on her way down, she somehow tripped and fell forward.

I saw her start to fall forward, and lunged toward her just in time to keep her from striking the hard pavement. When I opened my eyes, I noticed that our faces were only a few inches apart.

I felt my heart start to accelerate way past the limits it was supposed to. As I was looking into her eyes I felt like I had just unlocked the door to the cosmos. I suddenly was hit with wave after wave of emotions. But, this one stood out of all of them. I couldn’t really describe it.

I inched forward just a little bit, and she didn’t do anything to stop me. She just kept staring into my eyes as I stared into hers. I could feel her breathe on my face as she tried not to move. I could hear a powerful beating Powerful beating???coming from one of or both of us, as I went even closer.

We were almost touching. I moved closer and closed my eyes, and... The bell rang. That smackedpulled me back into reality pretty fast. I looked down at her andtake away the and here. she was blushing and looking away from me. I quickly got to my feet and held out a hand to help her up.

She reached up for my hand and grabbed it. As I pulled her up I noticed that her hand was shaking. Who would’ve thought that I would make a girl shake?

“I’m sorry about that.” I said. Something just came over me.” I embarrassingly said.This doesn't read right. Try I siad in embarrasment. She looked at me and looked like she was going to say something, but thought better of it. Instead she just looked at me and bent down “carefully” and picked up the soccer ball.

"Are you new?" Sounds like she's a book on a shelf. Try Are you new around here?I asked her. She smiled that dazzling smile at me and said,”Yeah, my names Sarah. I just moved here over the weekend. Again, I'm really sorry about hitting you." she said while trying to suppress a laugh.
“Also, let’s keep what just happened between us.” She winked and said to me. I couldn’t even respond, I had to kick start my brain and start moving towards the school. I walked beside her as we approached the front steps of the school.

“I’ll see you later.” I said, as I walked towards my locker. She waved good-bye and walked the other way. I watched her walk away and as I was watching she looked back at me and caught me staring at her. I just blushed and walked towards my locker.

The day passed pretty quickly, I had only one class with Sarah. The class I had with her was Science. That was my last class of the day to.

During Science, we were learning about breaking down water molecules. I didn’t really pay attention because I was looking and thinking about Sarah most of the time.If you were not paying attention how did you know he was talking about molecules. So when the teacher called on me, I got chewed outChewed out? and everyone just laughed at me.

The school day ended, and I went to my locker to get all my gear together. On the way down the stair case, I noticed Sarah was talking to another boy in the stairwell. I’m not usually one to get jealous, but that kind of made me a little, well, jealous.

As I walked by them, I could hear a little of what they were saying. “So what are you doing later tonight?” the boy asked. From the sound of his voice it kinda sounded like he was getting at something, and I’m pretty sure I had an idea of what.

“Well, I still have to unpack all my stuff, which is A LOT.” Sarah responded. As she was saying this, she must have seen me walking by, because she told the boy that she would see him later and ran over to my side as I was walking out the front doors of the school.

“Hey!” Sarah said. I looked back at her to see her smiling that dazzling smile again at me. “Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ don’t have the soccer ball on me so you should be safe for now.”

I had to smile and laugh a little at that. “What do you mean I should be safe for now?” I responded quaintly. She just laughed and walked with me towards the bike rack.

“So, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but what was that guy wanting to do later tonight with you?” I said. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about, and then she made a face that said she remembered.

“He was just offering to give me a tour of the town, since I’m new here and all.” She said, while looking into my eyes. I felt that feeling again and didn’t know what to make of it. Everything just felt heavy as that feeling got stronger and stronger, till it felt like I was going to drown in my own feelings.

“I could give you a tour of the town instead.” I blurted. She looked at me, smiled, and said, “That would be amazing! What day and what time?” she asked. I had to think about that one. I think the only day I had free was Tuesday, which was tomorrow.

“Ummm, I’m good for tomorrow after school. Is that okay with you?” I asked. She thought about it and after a short pause shook her head yes. I watched as her head bobbed up and down and as her hair whirled around her like a meadow breeze was blowing it.

It suddenly just hit me that this could be a date!! I looked into her eyes, and again felt myself falling again into the sea of emotions. I was going to ask if it was a date but thought better of it. I didn’t want to say that and break the fragile friendship we had, plus she just moved her. I have to give her time to settle in before doing something like that.

I suddenly realized I had stepped forward when I was thinking. I was also staring into her eyes as she was staring back at mine. She didn’t move when I stepped forward, our faces only inches away. There wouldn’t be a bell to break us up this time.

I heard and felt that drum beating again loud and faster than ever. We were almost touching again. I closed my eyes and leaned in…

I felt the softest thing[color=#FF0000 tHING?! Try her lips were soft as they brushed against mine.[/color] brush against my lips and push back with extreme passion. I put my arms around her waist as she put her arms around my neck. I felt like I had just done the impossible, I felt invincible. I could’ve swore I heard fireworks when we held on to each other like that for at least a good twenty seconds.Were you counting?

I didn’t want it to end but as does everything, it did. As I opened my eyes, I noticed that she was blushing different colors of scarlet. I was lost for words as I looked at her beautiful features and felt my own embarrassment.

She looked at me and said, “I have to go, I’ll see you later.” She then pushed past me walking towards the crossing from the school to the other street. I watched her go, mesmerized at what just happened.

Then reality snapped back in place. I looked at the sky; the sun was going down even more. I had to get home before it was dark and my mom chewed me out. I fixed my backpack into a more comfortable position on my back and headed over to the bike rack.

I got my bike out and started peddling home. I couldn’t really think straight as I was crossing the main drag of town. I mean, I barely even knew this girl and we already kissed!! How often does that happen in your lifetime?! I couldn’t really know if this was meant to be or not. I’ll just accept fate I thought to myself.

As I finally turned on the last road, I could see my house. I turned into my driveway and jumped off my bike to unlock the garage. As soon as I got that put away I went into the house and went in my room. I got all my homework out and done by seven o’clock.

Then, I had the rest of the night to think. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. I only could think about Sarah, and that kiss. Did I do it too hard or too soft? Was it the right time or not?

I thought like that the rest of the night and finally around eleven o’clock, I made a decision of what I was going to do. Tomorrow morning, (if I don’t get the air hit out of me again) I’m going to ask her out. Then the tour later that day would turn into a date. It all seemed so clear at that point. Well I’m just going to have to see if it really was.

Present day…This is confusing? What do you mean here?!

As usual, my brother woke me up; I took my shower, and got my gear together for school. I looked out my window to see it was a sunny day!! That meant good luck to me. As I got my bike out of the garage, I started thinking about Sarah again. The feeling felt like they Who is they?!had gotten stronger (which I didn’t think was possible). Is this back to the beginning or what?! :S

I finally reached the school. As I went along the sidewalk, I saw Sarah waiting by the bike rack. “Could she be waiting for me?!” I thought to myself. I felt the feeling wash over me again getting rid of any nervousness.

As I approached the bike rack, I noticed that she had kind of dressed up. She was wearing a light blue top with a flower design up and down the left side, normal blue jeans, and she brushed her hair out more, whichThough I didn’t know how, that was possible.

When I got there, she smiled that smile again and I my heart skipped a few beats and then stopped. I realized I forgot to breathe and quickly inhaled a gust of wind. As I put my bike into the rack and locked, she came over to me.

“Morning,” she said. “Sleep well?” She said to me. Too many saids I had just recovered from my daze and shook my head saying yes.

“Yes, I slept quite well actually.” I responded with confidence in my voice as I felt that washing over me. I looked into her dark brown eyes and remembered what I decided last night. She must have sensed that I was thinking about something, because she said, “What’s on your mind?”

I thought about how I was going to say it for a couple seconds. When I decided what I wanted to say, I went to speak but I froze up. I opened my mouth several times before I could speak.

“Sarah,” I said, “I know that things are kind of moving fast, but yesterday...” I said while looking directly in her eyes. “Yesterday,” I repeated, “I felt as if I was going to die if you weren’t with me. After we kissed I felt positive that, that was the way it was meant to be. What I’m trying to say Sarah, is will you go out with me?”

At first she looked stunned and that turned into sorrow. She looked at the ground for awhile then looked me in my eyes. What I saw there killed me. She had regret and tears in her eyes. She looked like she was going to say something, but just closed her mouth.

“Wesley,” she said as she was trying to hold back a wave of tears, “about yesterday. That wasn’t meant to be. I don’t feel towards you that strongly and I’m truly sorry about the pain that I’ve put you through. I hope you’ll forgive me. My answer to your question is going to be no. I hope that this doesn’t affect the friendship between us.”How come she had dressed up then, and had gone on the tour with him and not the other guy?!

But I didn’t hear the last part. The world had shattered around me as I read and heard her lips say no. I felt like I had just been shot in my heart. I felt an aching pain from my chest and a wave of tears threatened to come out from their sleep. I looked into her eyes as if I was going to lose sight of her forever. They'd met like what.. 2 days and he was heart broken?!


END

To be honest I didn't really enjoy your story. Im not trying to be too hearsh or anything, I'm sure you have great talent but maybe this time romance isn't your thing. Your plot was messy and your structure was plain confusing. You had plenty of grammatical mistakes and I felt that it was a bit rushed.
Mayeb try re reading and re writing. Hope I helped you and I don't mean to be horrible or anything.
Love
Kaka xx