The Perfect Devil: Chapter 1

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It wasn’t expected to find Malcolm – science whizz and DnD player dead, at his dorm of all places. People gave him a lot of flack, but from his aptitude tests in the University it was obvious he was heading places.

There he was though, body burnt to a cinder outside the doused remains of his dorm.

It hadn’t even seemed possible; the fire was only in his room. It hadn’t spread any further, but there were chemicals on the ground.

So the explanation was accidental death, due to chemical explosion.

And we all thought that it was the end of it, we moved on, and forget the nerds death. We’re not cruel, we just saw it as tragic, but honestly who would miss him? He hadn’t socialized with any of us, he’d been to be honest a little creepy. To say the University did anything except hold a funeral at chapel is true.

The famous tune played, and we listened to the Mother and Father, tearfully exclaiming how much they would miss Malcolm.

Some of the girls cried, but it was only a facade, we all lied.

And then that was end of it.

My name is Graham, I’m what you would call cynical, I prefer realistic. A funeral is just a big display for us, not for them. Malcolm, didn’t get two damns what we did, the boy was charcoal in a coffin. Yet we were meant to act like we had even known the kids name.

I’m a Wrestler and ironically enough my favourite movie is Fightclub, I hate lies or displays of false emotions/actions. I take wrestling seriously, not like WWF.

So perhaps I’m cynical, it’s perhaps this that made the truth escape me for so long.
Or perhaps we knew this wasn’t the end, but all pretended it was.


*******


Waking up, it had been a week since the squirt’s death, and strangely enough I’d thought of him, tossing and turning one thing kept burling through my mind at an indefinite pace, like the kid was smart, he knew how to work chemicals, so his death didn’t add up, and why didn’t the fire escape out his room? Movie logic showed that chemical explosions are huge and often dangerous.

Grumbling he stood up just as his mobile rang, “...Hello...”

“Graham, you sound awful.”

“I feel it Mark, so what’s up?”

Sitting back on the bed, I slowly lay down, beginning to stare boredly at the ceiling.

“To be honest, I don’t know, but Malcolm said something to me, before his death, it’s nothing I’m sure, but it was like he knew he was going to die. Premeditation perhaps?”

My heart stopped for a second, but just as it stopped common sense kicked back in, so I resumed my ceiling watching half listening.

“Mark, I think you’re right, suicide it has to be, the kid wasn’t dim.”

Of course it was suicide it made sense, complete sense. Then why was I still doubting that.

“So... you seen the new twins, Almo and brother Oscar?”

Yep seen her, fantasized about her, and many a Cleanex could tell you what I thought of her. Sitting up on the pillow I laughed a little and thought of that beauty, she was stunning, “That’s between me and my bed Mark.”

“Graham, I know you been thinking of Malcolm, don’t lie to me you liked him.”

That totally came out of nowhere, sitting up, I figured maybe just coincidence.

“Don’t deny it Graham.” He continued.

I blushed, it was true, I found the attraction of both girls and guys indescribable and knowledge was a turn on for me, “I say at best a crush Mark, but honestly, kid dead lets move on, I’m not ‘that’ into him.”

Mark laughed over the phone and I just groaned, “Anyway, don’t evade the point idiot. You want Almo, don’t you?”

“A little less than you wanted Malcolm.”

Sighing I replied, “Okay drop it. Do you plan on bringing up anything else or just plan to remind me of my inability to talk to the same sex a certain way?”

“Calm down dude, I was only messing... This murd--- I mean death has you really wound up.”

“I know... but so many things don’t add up.”

“Maybe, just forget it mate, you wanna know--- oh shit my parents are up, have to talk later!”

Hearing the dial tone, I fell on bed.

Great. My bestfriend had seen my attraction to Malcolm, perhaps it been a mistake going to his funeral, not like I’d really wanted to. Instead, I’d cried at home and was sure that be the end of it. Move on, forget it, but I couldn’t forget seeing him the day before, the face untarnished as of yet but his eyes so very tired.

Growling in frustration I put my mind to Almo, slipping back into bed and letting my imagination be my partner for tonight: wonderful brown haired goddess, with a smile that could excite and dark green eyes that grabbed the heart.

I then remember only fire, and a shape, a shape I’d come to know in due course. I knew at this point this wasn’t a fire of chemicals; it was malevolent dark and twisted. It spoke with guttural shiek, in melodies that hurt the ears. I remember the eyes. I remember the eyes.

Waking up with a start, I saw I was drenched with sweat, but I couldn’t remember what had caused me such fear. It was morning, sun was streaming in the window, and from my dorm I could hear the sounds of the place waking up: the guys closing and opening the doors to use the bath or showers, shave and clean teeth. While careless chatter could be heard, whispered answers about the coming tests, generic TV shows and various bands.

As per usual, Daniel was missing, probably shacked out in some bed with one of the girls. And I preferred it this way. Daniel was a junkie and often I had come back into room smelling of pot. The leafy acrid stench mixed with the alcoholic beverages, but thankfully he had taken my implicit advice and not taken a girl to the dorm again. Moron.

Standing up, I stretched briefly, before entering the shower. After a while I climbed out and then got dressed into a Soccer t-shirt and a pair of creased jeans. Grabbing a belt I tightened it quickly before throwing on a pair of white socks, then my bedraggled Nike Sneakers, dropping my baseball cap on to my head and grabbing my folder for Psychology, it was going to be a long day.

Rushing to headlong like a bullet, I sped down the stair two at a time. It wasn’t that I was late, it was more because my tutor loved coming early and due to this class began differently to what schedule laid out. How ironic, a psychology teacher teaching half-asleep, drunk or otherwise dead adults. Then after Dr Mengle like experiments we moved on to my path in life Wrestling and not that pussyfied garbage either. This was serious. In theory I could beat people to a pulp then discuss their Mummy issues.

But for now I was awake in psychology not an easy challenge. As people sat down, I turned to see the twins. Almo turning many a guy eye, and even some girls, her brother quietly sitting down and being not at all like his twin; even going so far as to turn away from her as she sat down announcing her presence to the lustful eyes. Her bouncing dark hair like some radiant waterfall.

But, her brother avoided her. It had disturbed me.

“Alright class.”

The room quietened as the Professor came in. No doubt he’d been here longer, but he just felt now was a good time to make himself known. He was strange that way.

“Now now, I’m sure you got plenty to talk about, maybe even someone planning a party. It doesn’t matter for now. I need absolute concentration.”

Strange didn’t enter into it, he was fucking odd.

“Please open your minds and tell me of how you’re feeling. This is a simple exercise, I wish for you to analyze person next to you and label them with a condition from book.”

Someone interrupted, “But sir, this doesn’t achieve anything, does it?”

“Right Jacob but it’s what we do everyday mentally.”

As we all arranged ourselves with person, I took out the text book, opening it at Mental Conditions page 45. Jacob was right this was pointless, but as I swung round saw who was sitting next to me, shocking strawberry blond hair, a cute smile, I couldn’t help but shrug. Maybe this could be fun.

“Hey Graham, looks like I need to psychoanalyze you, kinda like playing doctor.”

I merely nodded, Ruby was pretty sweet, but plain compared to Almo.

She took a pad and pen, letting a twinkling smile dance over her mouth, “So Graham tell me about yourself.”

Strange, way she was acting was a little weird, “I’m 22, born in Minnesota, and I’m at the university for both Wrestling and Psychology.”

“How did you know Malcolm?”

That was pretty damn forward especially when this was supposed to be a bit of fun, “I don’t believe we are meant to discuss it.”

“It makes sense if you think about it. That event could change a person mental state.” She speculated.

“Ruby, you’re taking this exercise too seriously. None of us are qualified to give any real help.”
Why was she so interested about it? She looked so sweet and innocent even, but the question she just asked was disturbing me. And somehow I was aware she knew this.

“I wouldn’t say that Graham. Besides you were at the funeral I saw you.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. This wasn’t happening.

“It doesn’t matter, does it.” My voice raised, “You are meant to ask other questions.”

“Ok... but if we fail. I blame you.”

Breathing out, I relaxed, “I’ve always found I stand out from other people, I’m not a jock, I’m not a nerd. I’m just kind of there. My main love is wrestling but I find most of my fellow class brainless buffoons.”

She wrote down some scribbles, “Interesting, go on.”

“My bestfriend is out of college living at home. My Da’s in the army, while my Mum typical American house wife. If Dad had his way, I’d be in Middle East right now. I chose to do Psychology and Wrestling.”

“Hmm... have recent events here disturbed you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, that was rather odd thing to put forward.

“Well certain things that made you act differently.”

Where was she going with this?

“Well, events that made you behave in ways you otherwise wouldn’t have, like a wedding?”

“I don’t get you?”

“You were at his funeral you’ve freely admitted, why? I’m his sister I was there. You were one of the bastards that drove him to suicide”

I watched as she stood up all appearance of placidness gone, “And yet you went. He needed help and no one would listen. He came to all of you.”

The whole class including myself watched in silent horror as she screamed.

“You had no right to be there. And where were all of you, when he needed you?”

She climbed up on the chair toppling her desk in fury. There was a loud crash as the table hit the floor with her textbook and work.

“Time for fucking silence is over. Malcolm would’ve never hurt a fly! But you you especially you Almo destroyed him”

The tutor finally spoke, “As much as a student freaking out in class is a good lesson in psychology, Ms Ruby can you please sit down and stop making an intuitional atmosphere.”

“Get stuffed you presumptuous cunt!”

A few of people in class waited with baited breaths. It wasn’t common for Mr Gilmour to lose his temper.

“Please sit back down and be quiet. I’d hate to have to send my best student out.”

She looked at them all, “No. He wasn’t heard when he was quiet. So I won’t stop in fact I’ll yell louder.”

“You all killed him. He didn’t commit suicide you drove your knives into his back!”

Mr Gilmour sighed, before removing his glasses, “Very well Ruby you leave me no choice. I’m sure you understand that there is Counsellor on grounds. I shall just call ahead to explain you’re coming.”

I watched as he rang on phone; spoke a bit before, placing it back down.

“Ruby you’re one of my best students but it’s been arranged you’re going to have a week sick leave, you are restricted to the Campus, I shall take you’re student card as you won’t be leaving building for a week.”

She began to whimper before climbing off the chair, “Sir, can I take Jasmine with me.”

He nodded, “My thoughts exactly, Jasmine take her to the counsellor and make sure you stay there until he’s available.”

As they left people began to speak excitedly before Mr Gilmour shushed everyone, “Never boring here is it. I was hoping to show you a presentation, but instead I’ll have to give homework.”

There were lots of involuntary groans, especially from me.

“Well perhaps you shall all learn a lesson never bring drama here. We’re doing Psychology. It’s unethical to study any of the students here. So no more drama toot sweet.”

Sighing loudly I stood up and put my books away. More homework. More drama. More absolute insanity. But how was I to know this was merely an omen of what was to come? That Ruby was further from truth? How were we to know? I couldn’t have.

As I got out the classroom, I saw people milling about, like zombies they were, intent on devouring knowledge of this facility. I had a few hours before Wrestling, so I would head to Common Room. It was hard to ignore the splendour of this hall, with wooden panelling all the way down the hall on the walls with a royal blue carpet, slightly faded with age. Sometimes as I walked past the classes I saw various posters inspiring us with words like ‘Imagine’, ‘Aspire’ and ‘Realize’, further on were the lockers, with their own distinct persona in various incarnation.

But I wasn’t interested in this. I just wanted to relax, watch some TV while I wile away the hours before wrestling. That was my plan. As I walked down the long corridor, I remembered how Ruby blamed Almo, how vehemently she stared at her. Perhaps just bitch fight. But she did really seem sure. And fact was Almo did come to University fairly recent. But why did I care?

As he turned the corner he came across her twin, “Hi Oscar.”

Her brother turned round, “Hello Graham, you’ve not seen my sister have you?”

“I’m afraid not.”

Oscar was rather odd; he seemed to be a kind guy, mainly just because he wasn’t as loud as his sister, “That is rather worrying my friend. Tell me if you find her, be careful of her my friend... she shall we say more than she appears.”

“I’ll be sure to do that Oscar.”

“My father instructed me to look after her. But how can I defend her when she allows... ah well. Just don’t trust a viper my friend.”

We parted as he walked off in opposite direction. For a cute guy, he was a little nuts. Shame. Shrugging I opened the common room; inside were a Snooker table, a LCD TV, three sofas, a bar on one side and two arcade machines. The improvement was amazing; originally it had been for lack of better word pretty crap. But the students kept asking and finally the Dean gave in.

Leaping on to the couch, I grabbed the remote with free hand and thought about the day so far. Lets see where did it get fucked up? Hmm. Well there was waking up that was normal. Psychology I was accused of killing guy had a secret crush on, she went batshit insane. The girl in question was cute but man she could yell. Ouch. Then there was Almo, she was wondrous, but what the hell did her brother mean? A viper, I could take her. Nothing made sense.

Mark would have a field day with this tonight. Yeh his best friend was cuckoo, or the whole university was cuckoo, or maybe the whole fucking world. Imagine how tonight conversation going to go. Mark a girl jumped on table and screamed at everyone and I was told girl we both like is a viper. And yes Mark I am sane. Oh world you have messed up sense of humour.

Finally having enough I clicked the remote, seeing a myriad of colours immediately forming a face. A chill entered my body. The world turned black and white and I heard a low growl. It grew and spoke one word, “Soon.” Ice entered my veins as my heart pumped it through my system. There was deafening echo in the monochrome world while faceless bodies moved around me. It spoke another word in the noir common room, “You’ll see little boy.”

I couldn’t move, couldn’t feel anything the numbness, the mind had died on me, my body was totally paralyzed with the frozen blood now in my system. The faceless people even now left, as I sat dread in my eyes.

Frozen in fear.

Then, I woke up the colour was all there, no more creepy people, but all the students I typically saw in here and a guy talking about how liberals were the main problem in USA. Yeah, I don’t think. Switching the channel, I sat back listening and watching the music videos.

As I tuned into Kerrang, I felt a presence drop down beside me. There was Claire a beautiful ebony girl, with dark almost chocolate coloured hair. She was another girl who caught my gaze but rumour was she was more into girls. But still, I liked boys as well as girls, so maybe she did. As I admired her and mentally undressed her with my eyes, I noticed something that made me stop. She hadn’t slept for a while.

“Hey Clair, you okay.”

She smiled forcefully, and answered slowly but clearly, “Yes.”

“Graham. Don’t worry about me. I’ve just been studying all night.”

I grinned, “Well what brings you to the common room?”

“People”

She stared at TV and from corner of my eye I saw tears dripping from her nose.”

“Well, came to right place Claire, people abound here.” I laughed nervously, what did she mean?

She smirked wrly, “You think so.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yes. Just need to see people.”

With that she climbed off couch as I puzzled it out.

As she walked off I thought of many questions, I could have asked, but figured always talk to her later. Glancing at my watch, I leapt off in horror. Fuck. I’m late. Not only that I’d have to grab my bag as well. This day wasn’t going good.

As I left the room with my bag in hand, I belted down the corridor, heading towards right wing of the University and towards the P.E area.
Last edited by LastPaladin on Mon Sep 20, 2010 11:00 am, edited 4 times in total.
You poor take courage
You rich take care
This earth was made a common treasury
For everyone to share
All things in common
All people one
We come in peace
The orders came to cut them down

Billy Bragg - The World Turned Upside Down




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Yay! you posted it! You already know my review, its an a great start and makes me want to read more, even tho you dont like writing in first person its good. :D




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Hey, Pal XD
Pink here, dropping by for a review!
So, let's get crackin' shall we? I'll start off with everyone's favorite, Nitpicks.

Nitpicks

he’d been to be honest a little creepy.

Is it just me, or does this not make much sense? Did you mean "he'd been to be, honestly, a little creepy?"
To say the University did anything except hold a funeral at chapel is true.

Comma after chapel. Also, I think it should be "at a chapel".
Some of the girls cried, but it was only a facade, we all lied.

I find this a bit cold. I mean, surely not EVERYONE is faking it, right? Maybe some are crying because a death occurred, not exactly who the person is but that they have experienced that someone they 'know' has passed away. But I guess, since it's his POV, he sees the world that way. So I won't exactly go any further with this.
Waking up, it had been a week since the squirt death, and strangely enough I’d thought of him, tossing and turning one thing kept burling through my mind at an indefinite pace, like the kid was smart, he knew how to work chemicals, so his death didn’t add up, and why didn’t the fire escape out his room?

1. Squirt's death, not squirt death. That would be funny though...
2. This is a long sentence, try chopping it up with a knife ;)
3. Burling? I looked up this word and it's coming out as a lump, knot or slub of yarn O.o
Grumbling he stood up just as his mobile rang, “...Hello...”

I think you stepped out of your POV here ;) Also, comma after grumbling.
“To be honest, I don’t know, but Malcolm said something to me, before his death,

You probably want to kill me right now, I apologize for being so nitpicky...
But! I think this sentence sounds better as "...Something to me, before he died,"
The, before his death, part sounds a bit weird.
Laughing a little he thought of that beauty, she was stunning,

Out of POV again? Maybe you're not used to this, lol.
“Graham, I know you been thinking of Malcolm, don’t lie to me you liked him.

Comma after me.
I say at best a crush Mark, but honestly, kid dead lets move on, I’m not ‘that’ into him.”

*Kid's dead, let's move on.
Whoa, is he Bi or something? Interesting, I've never read a story like that xP
My bestfriend had seen my attraction to Malcolm, perhaps it been a mistake going to his funeral, not like I’d really wanted to.

Best friend, two words. Also, I don't get this. If he was so interested in Malcolm, why did he sound so cynical in the beginning? I mean, if he had some kind of feeling for the dude, I think the beginning shouldn't have been so cynical, you know?
“People”

Period. "People."
~~~


Overall

Wow, sorry. I noticed I was over nitpicking so I kind of skipped a few but I'm sure others can point them out.
Okay, I have a few things I want to talk about, but firstly, let me say I think you built a pretty cool atmosphere. I mean, I liked how you opened with death and all, I was interested in seeing how Malcolm was going to affect Graham's life, especially since he felt somewhat of an emotion for him. Also, something weird seems to be going on and you noted that perfectly, it was easy and it didn't exactly pop out at you but you could tell, you know?
Even with all that being said, there are still a few things I think you can improve on. For instance, I suggest brushing up on some comma rules. I noticed that missed a lot of commas where commas should be, so quick lesson ought to be good. Your descriptions were balanced and some of them, I felt were done pretty well, in my opinion.
As far as the chapter goes, I think the beginning was pulling and interesting but as you get to the middle part, it became a bit draggy and I think you brought in a couple characters without explaining them in depth. I would have liked just a bit more information on his friend and the the twins and all. I didn't exactly 'know' who they were and it left me a bit confused. Now, before I start dragging this out, I'll stop XD
I think you have an interesting plot line and your character seems cool, I actually like his cynical voice. It gives the story a bit of edge :)
That's all for now, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Hope I helped, cheers,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey Pally! This first chapter really roped me in. I love the setting and the premise -- I'm a big sucker for "something fishy is going on at school/university" stories, so this is right up my alley. I also think your narrator's voice is really well established -- no one can argue that Graham doesn't have a personality. You did a really good job establishing character and setting. I'd say you've got the dirty, gritty side of dorm living down pat.

I would agree with Pink that there seems to be some kind of discrepancy with the way Graham describes his relationship to Malcolm in the opening paragraphs, and the way he describes him later on. Establishing some sort of link that gives us a clue why the Graham in the first part of the text and the Graham in the second part of the text are so different would help me a lot.

I'm also going to nitpick a little bit about commas. One thing that I noticed that's easy to spot happens specifically when you pair them with dialog tags.

Laughing a little he thought of that beauty, she was stunning, “That’s between me and my bed Mark.”


The comma after "stunning" should be a period (and you'd probably also want a comma after "bed" to set apart his addressing Mark). The phrase "Laughing a little he (I?) thought of that beauty, she was stunning" is a complete thought that Graham has, and it can stand alone. The only time you'd really need to use a comma there is if the sentence in question actually contains a dialog tag, usually using a verb like "said" or "whispered." As in, He looked at me and said, "Hello!"

You did a great job writing an American university as well -- I only noticed a couple of things:
- "Mum/Mummy" isn't unheard of, but is pretty uncommon in the US. "Mom" is a lot more common.
- Kerrang TV is a UK channel, I don't think you can even get it in the US.

You obviously had a lot of fun writing this, and that really shows in the way you've crafted these scenes. There's something really cinematic about them, and the pacing is good, too -- it's all very explosive (no pun intended). I also feel like there's some foreshadowing going on with the title too, yeah? Let me know when you update, I want to keep reading.
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Malcolm, didn’t get give two damns what we did, the boy was charcoal in a coffin.


Waking up, it had been a week since the squirts death,


“So... you seen the new twins, Almo and her brother Roger?”


the kid is dead lets move on


I’m not ‘that’ that into him.


This murd---... I mean death


you wanna know---... oh


Almo turning many a guy's eye


Strange didn’t enter into it, he was fucking odd. - Haha that made me laugh.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
<- You only need to say it once there buddy.

while my MumIs/was a typical American house wife.


You were one of the bastards that drove him to suicide.
Forgot the period, and ouch! Bitch much?

Ms. Ruby
When turning miss or mister into Ms./Mrs. or Mr. it's an abbreviation. You have to put a period.

“Get stuffed you presumptuous cunt!”
<- again, bitch much?

“Hi Oscar.”
<- I thought earlier you said his name was Roger?

tonight's conversation


Yeah, I don’t think.
I think you mean, I don't think so.

As I tuned into Kerrang
<- Now I see why you were asking in chat! You had me confused.

Fuck. I’m late.
<- Small change in tenses.

Over all

Wow. Nice job, you've got me hooked! I didn't see anything wrong beside those little nitpicks... Keep writing!

~Emaly
"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.




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I'mma nitpick 'cause I feel like it xD
LastPaladin wrote:It wasn’t expected to find Malcolm – science whizz (whiz?) and DnD (D&D? Not sure about that one) player dead, at his dorm of all places. People gave him a lot of flack, but from his aptitude tests in the University it was obvious he was heading places.

There he was though, body burnt to a cinder outside the doused remains of his dorm.

It hadn’t even seemed possible; the fire was only in his room. It hadn’t spread any further, but there were chemicals on the ground.

So the explanation was accidental death, due to chemical explosion.

And we all thought that it was the end of it, we moved on, and forget (forgot?) the nerds death. We’re not cruel, we just saw it as tragic, but honestly who would miss him? He hadn’t socialized with any of us, he’d been to be honest a little creepy. To say the University did anything except hold a funeral at chapel is true.

The famous tune played, and we listened to the Mother and Father (I don't think they should be capitalized.) , tearfully exclaiming how much they would miss Malcolm.

Some of the girls cried, but it was only a facade, we all lied.

And then that was end of it.

My name is Graham, (maybe you should end that sentence there because it sounds a bit long) I’m what you would call cynical, I prefer realistic. A funeral is just a big display for us, not for them. Malcolm, didn’t get two damns what we did, the boy was charcoal in a coffin. (I don't understand this part.) Yet we were meant to act like we had even known the kids name.

I’m a Wrestler and ironically enough my favourite (favorite) movie is Fightclub, (maybe you should just delete that part about Fightclub) I hate lies or displays of false emotions/actions. I take wrestling seriously, not like WWF.

So perhaps I’m cynical, it’s perhaps this that made the truth escape me for so long.
Or perhaps we knew this wasn’t the end, but all pretended it was.


*******


Waking up, it had been a week since the squirt’s death, and strangely enough I’d thought of him, tossing and turning one thing kept burling (barreling?) through my mind at an indefinite pace, like the kid was smart, he knew how to work chemicals, so his death didn’t add up, and why didn’t the fire escape out his room? Movie logic showed that chemical explosions are huge and often dangerous.

Grumbling he stood up just as his mobile rang (you used third-person) , “...Hello...”

“Graham, you sound awful.”

“I feel it Mark, so what’s up?”

Sitting back on the bed, I slowly lay down, beginning to stare boredly at the ceiling.

“To be honest, I don’t know, but Malcolm said something to me, before his death, it’s nothing I’m sure, but it was like he knew he was going to die. Premeditation perhaps?”

My heart stopped for a second, but just as it stopped common sense kicked back in, so I resumed my ceiling watching half listening.

“Mark, I think you’re right, suicide it has to be, the kid wasn’t dim.”

Of course it was suicide it made sense, complete sense. Then why was I still doubting that.

“So... you seen the new twins, Almo and brother Oscar?”

Yep seen her, fantasized about her, and many a Cleanex (Kleenex) could tell you what I thought of her. Sitting up on the pillow I laughed a little and thought of that beauty, she was stunning, “That’s between me and my bed Mark.”

“Graham, I know you been thinking of Malcolm, don’t lie to me you liked him.”

That totally came out of nowhere, sitting up, I figured maybe just coincidence.

“Don’t deny it Graham.” He continued.

I blushed, it was true, I found the attraction of both girls and guys indescribable and knowledge was a turn on for me, “I say at best a crush Mark, but honestly, kid (kid's) dead lets move on, I’m not ‘that’ into him.”

Mark laughed over the phone and I just groaned, “Anyway, don’t evade the point idiot. You want Almo, don’t you?”

“A little less than you wanted Malcolm.”

Sighing I replied, “Okay drop it. Do you plan on bringing up anything else or just plan to remind me of my inability to talk to the same sex a certain way?”

“Calm down dude, I was only messing... This murd--- I mean death has you really wound up.”

“I know... but so many things don’t add up.”

“Maybe, just forget it mate, you wanna know--- oh shit my parents are up, have to talk later!”

Hearing the dial tone, I fell on bed.

Great. My bestfriend (best friend) had seen my attraction to Malcolm, perhaps it been a mistake going to his funeral, not like I’d really wanted to. Instead, I’d cried at home and was sure that be the end of it. Move on, forget it, but I couldn’t forget seeing him the day before, the face untarnished as of yet but his eyes so very tired.

Growling in frustration I put my mind to Almo, slipping back into bed and letting my imagination be my partner for tonight: wonderful brown haired goddess, with a smile that could excite and dark green eyes that grabbed the heart.

I then remember only fire, and a shape, a shape I’d come to know in due course. I knew at this point this wasn’t a fire of chemicals; it was malevolent dark and twisted. It spoke with guttural shiek, (shriek?) in melodies that hurt the ears. I remember the eyes. I remember the eyes.

Waking up with a start, I saw I was drenched with sweat, but I couldn’t remember what had caused me such fear. It was morning, sun was streaming in the window, and from my dorm I could hear the sounds of the place waking up: the guys closing and opening the doors to use the bath or showers, shave and clean teeth. While careless chatter could be heard, whispered answers about the coming tests, generic TV shows and various bands.

As per usual, Daniel was missing, probably shacked out in some bed with one of the girls. And I preferred it his way. Daniel was a junkie and often I had come back into room smelling of pot. The leafy acrid stench mixed with the alcoholic beverages, but thankfully he had taken my implicit advice and not taken a girl to the dorm again. Moron.

Standing up, I stretched briefly, before entering the shower. After a while I climbed out and then got dressed into a Soccer t-shirt and a pair of creased jeans. Grabbing a belt I tightened it quickly before throwing on a pair of white socks, then my bedraggled Nike Sneakers, dropping my baseball cap on to my head and grabbing my folder for Psychology, it was going to be a long day.

Rushing to headlong like a bullet, I sped down the stair two at a time. It wasn’t that I was late, it was more because my tutor loved coming early and due to this class began differently to what schedule laid out. How ironic, a psychology teacher teaching half-asleep, drunk or otherwise dead adults. Then after Dr Mengle like experiments we moved on to my path in life Wrestling and not that pussyfied (*ahem* I really don't think that's a word?) garbage either. This was serious. In theory I could beat people to a pulp then discuss their Mummy issues.

But for now I was awake in psychology not an easy challenge. As people sat down, I turned to see the twins. Almo turning many a guy eye, and even some girls, her brother quietly sitting down and being not at all like his twin; even going so far as to turn away from her as she sat down announcing her presence to the lustful eyes. Her bouncing dark hair like some radiant waterfall.

But, her brother avoided her. It had disturbed me.

“Alright class.”

The room quietened as the Professor came in. No doubt he’d been here longer, but he just felt now was a good time to make himself known. He was strange that way.

“Now now, I’m sure you got plenty to talk about, maybe even someone planning a party. It doesn’t matter for now. I need absolute concentration.”

Strange didn’t enter into it, he was fucking (for some reason that doesn't seem to fit there. It's like you're just trying to use a cuss word?) odd.

“Please open your minds and tell me of how you’re feeling. This is a simple exercise, I wish for you to analyze person next to you and label them with a condition from book.”

Someone interrupted, “But sir, this doesn’t achieve anything, does it?”

“Right Jacob but it’s what we do everyday mentally.”

As we all arranged ourselves with person, I took out the text book, opening it at Mental Conditions page 45. Jacob was right this was pointless, but as I swung round saw who was sitting next to me, shocking strawberry blond hair, a cute smile, I couldn’t help but shrug. Maybe this could be fun.

“Hey Graham, looks like I need to psychoanalyze you, kinda like playing doctor.”

I merely nodded, Ruby was pretty sweet, but plain compared to Almo.

She took a pad and pen, letting a twinkling smile dance over her mouth, “So Graham tell me about yourself.”

Strange, way she was acting was a little weird, “I’m 22, born in Minnesota, and I’m at the university for both Wrestling and Psychology.”

“How did you know Malcolm?”

That was pretty damn forward especially when this was supposed to be a bit of fun, “I don’t believe we are meant to discuss it.”

“It makes sense if you think about it. That event could change a person mental state.” She speculated.

“Ruby, you’re taking this exercise too seriously. None of us are qualified to give any real help.”
Why was she so interested about it? She looked so sweet and innocent even, but the question she just asked was disturbing me. And somehow I was aware she knew this.

“I wouldn’t say that Graham. Besides you were at the funeral I saw you.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. This wasn’t happening.

“It doesn’t matter, does it.” My voice raised, “You are meant to ask other questions.”

“Ok (okay) ... but if we fail. I blame you.”

Breathing out, I relaxed, “I’ve always found I stand out from other people, I’m not a jock, I’m not a nerd. I’m just kind of there. My main love is wrestling but I find most of my fellow class brainless buffoons.”

She wrote down some scribbles, “Interesting, go on.”

“My bestfriend is out of college living at home. My Da’s in the army, while my Mum typical American house wife. If Dad had his way, I’d be in Middle East right now. I chose to do Psychology and Wrestling.”

“Hmm... have recent events here disturbed you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, that was rather odd thing to put forward.

“Well certain things that made you act differently.”

Where was she going with this?

“Well, events that made you behave in ways you otherwise wouldn’t have, like a wedding?”

“I don’t get you?”

“You were at his funeral you’ve freely admitted, why? I’m his sister I was there. You were one of the bastards that drove him to suicide”

I watched as she stood up all appearance of placidity gone, “And yet you went. He needed help and no one would listen. He came to all of you.”

The whole class including myself watched in silent horror as she screamed.

“You had no right to be there. And where were all of you, when he needed you?”

She climbed up on the chair toppling her desk in fury. There was a loud crash as the table hit the floor with her textbook and work.

“Time for fucking silence is over. Malcolm would’ve never hurt a fly! But you you especially you Almo destroyed him”

The tutor finally spoke, “As much as a student freaking out in class is a good lesson in psychology, Ms Ruby can you please sit down and stop making an intuitional (institutional) atmosphere.”

“Get stuffed you presumptuous cunt!”

A few of people in class waited with baited breaths. It wasn’t common for Mr Gilmour to lose his temper.

“Please sit back down and be quiet. I’d hate to have to send my best student out.”

She looked at them all, “No. He wasn’t heard when he was quiet. So I won’t stop in fact I’ll yell louder.”

“You all killed him. He didn’t commit suicide you drove your knives into his back!”

Mr Gilmour sighed, before removing his glasses, “Very well Ruby you leave me no choice. I’m sure you understand that there is Counsellor (counselor) on grounds. I shall just call ahead to explain you’re coming.”

I watched as he rang on phone; spoke a bit before, placing it back down.

“Ruby you’re one of my best students but it’s been arranged you’re going to have a week sick leave, you are restricted to the Campus, I shall take you’re student card as you won’t be leaving building for a week.”

She began to whimper before climbing off the chair, “Sir, can I take Jasmine with me.”

He nodded, “My thoughts exactly, Jasmine take her to the counsellor and make sure you stay there until he’s available.”

As they left people began to speak excitedly before Mr Gilmour shushed everyone, “Never boring here is it. I was hoping to show you a presentation, but instead I’ll have to give homework.”

There were lots of involuntary groans, especially from me.

“Well perhaps you shall all learn a lesson never bring drama here. We’re doing Psychology. It’s unethical to study any of the students here. So no more drama toot sweet.”

Sighing loudly I stood up and put my books away. More homework. More drama. More absolute insanity. But how was I to know this was merely an omen of what was to come? That Ruby was further from truth? How were we to know? I couldn’t have.

As I got out the classroom, I saw people milling about, like zombies they were, intent on devouring knowledge of this facility. I had a few hours before Wrestling, so I would head to Common Room. It was hard to ignore the splendour of this hall, with wooden panelling all the way down the hall on the walls with a royal blue carpet, slightly faded with age. Sometimes as I walked past the classes I saw various posters inspiring us with words like ‘Imagine’, ‘Aspire’ and ‘Realize’, further on were the lockers, with their own distinct persona in various incarnation.

But I wasn’t interested in this. I just wanted to relax, watch some TV while I wile away the hours before wrestling. That was my plan. As I walked down the long corridor, I remembered how Ruby blamed Almo, how vehemently she stared at her. Perhaps just bitch fight. But she did really seem sure. And fact was Almo did come to University fairly recent. But why did I care?

As he turned the corner he came across her twin, “Hi Oscar.”

Her brother turned round, “Hello Graham, you’ve not seen my sister have you?”

“I’m afraid not.”

Oscar was rather odd; he seemed to be a kind guy, mainly just because he wasn’t as loud as his sister, “That is rather worrying my friend. Tell me if you find her, be careful of her my friend... she shall we say more than she appears.”

“I’ll be sure to do that Oscar.”

“My father instructed me to look after her. But how can I defend her when she allows... ah well. Just don’t trust a viper my friend.”

We parted as he walked off in opposite direction. For a cute guy, he was a little nuts. Shame. Shrugging I opened the common room; inside were a Snooker table, a LCD TV, three sofas, a bar on one side and two arcade machines. The improvement was amazing; originally it had been for lack of better word pretty crap. But the students kept asking and finally the Dean gave in.

Leaping on to the couch, I grabbed the remote with free hand and thought about the day so far. Lets see where did it get fucked up? Hmm. Well there was waking up that was normal. Psychology I was accused of killing guy had a secret crush on, she went batshit insane. The girl in question was cute but man she could yell. Ouch. Then there was Almo, she was wondrous, but what the hell did her brother mean? A viper, I could take her. Nothing made sense.

Mark would have a field day with this tonight. Yeh his best friend was cuckoo, or the whole university was cuckoo, or maybe the whole fucking world. Imagine how tonight conversation going to go. Mark a girl jumped on table and screamed at everyone and I was told girl we both like is a viper. And yes Mark I am sane. Oh world you have messed up sense of humour.

Finally having enough I clicked the remote, seeing a myriad of colours immediately forming a face. A chill entered my body. The world turned black and white and I heard a low growl. It grew and spoke one word, “Soon.” Ice entered my veins as my heart pumped it through my system. There was deafening echo in the monochrome world while faceless bodies moved around me. It spoke another word in the noir common room, “You’ll see little boy.”

I couldn’t move, couldn’t feel anything the numbness, the mind had died on me, my body was totally paralyzed with the frozen blood now in my system. The faceless people even now left, as I sat dread in my eyes.

Frozen in fear.

Then, I woke up the colour was all there, no more creepy people, but all the students I typically saw in here and a guy talking about how liberals were the main problem in USA. Yeah, I don’t think. Switching the channel, I sat back listening and watching the music videos.

As I tuned into Kerrang, I felt a presence drop down beside me. There was Claire a beautiful ebony girl, with dark almost chocolate coloured hair. She was another girl who caught my gaze but rumour was she was more into girls. But still, I liked boys as well as girls, so maybe she did. As I admired her and mentally undressed her with my eyes, I noticed something that made me stop. She hadn’t slept for a while.

“Hey Clair, you okay.”

She smiled forcefully, and answered slowly but clearly, “Yes.”

“Graham. Don’t worry about me. I’ve just been studying all night.”

I grinned, “Well what brings you to the common room?”

“People”

She stared at TV and from corner of my eye I saw tears dripping from her nose.”

“Well, came to right place Claire, people abound here.” I laughed nervously, what did she mean?

She smirked wrly, “You think so.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yes. Just need to see people.”

With that she climbed off couch as I puzzled it out.

As she walked off I thought of many questions, I could have asked, but figured always talk to her later. Glancing at my watch, I leapt off in horror. Fuck. I’m late. Not only that I’d have to grab my bag as well. This day wasn’t going good.

As I left the room with my bag in hand, I belted down the corridor, heading towards right wing of the University and towards the P.E area.


Yeah, well, as you can see, I liked it but had quite a few nitpicks. And I got sort of lazy at the end. But keep writing!

Ducky :D
Writing's a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia E.L. Doctorow
I've always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first is ransom notes Philip Dusenberry
I'm so clever that I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying Oscar Wilde




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Opening:
I like the idea of the opening. It instantly gripped me. It seems to be phrased oddly though. I had to read it over a few times to understand it. I think you need another hyphon after 'player.'

He jumped ran out the window
'He hadn’t socialized with any of us, he’d been to be honest a little creepy.' Again, this is phrased awkwardly. 'Had been' and 'to be' are both verbs, but they're refering to different subjects, so they don't sit too nicely next to eachother. '(He) had been,' is pointing at Malcolm, but 'to be (honest)' is pointing at whoever is telling the story.
Also, has been, to be, and will be, are all forms of the same verb, which also makes them less compatible next to eachother.

The opening as a whole:
I'm impressed! I love how you use his perspective on Malcolms death, and his own voice, to bring his character to life. It's a fantastic introduction to the plot, and to Graham, who I will assume is the main character.

Say it as it is
Many a cleanex... That's gross XD It made me laugh though. It's unusually blunt, and makes your character more believable. I suppose relatable too, for males anyway.

Consistency
Compared to 'alcoholic beverages' the term 'pot' seems way too informal. You need to keep it consistent, especially when the references are this close together- either 'alcohol and pot' or 'alcoholic beverages and cannibus'. Also in that last sentence, you don't need the word 'but.'

Doing and done
Words ending in -ing stick out too much when everything else is in strictly past tense, especially when they're repeatedly used at the start of sentences or clauses. There's a point in the story where Graham is about to get in the shower, and around that area there's a lot of -ing words scattered about.

Another note:
Is this work rated? I think it at least needs a swear warning.

Overall:
I love it. The characters are vivid, and the story is gripping. The narrator is also very likable. I can't wait to read more. Actually, I probably can. This story is creeping me out already, so I'll save chapter two for another time.
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Here it is Paladin, as promised.

It wasn’t expected to find Malcolm – science whizz and DnD player dead, at his dorm of all places. People gave him a lot of flack, but from his aptitude tests in the University it was obvious he was heading places.

There he was though, body burnt to a cinder outside the doused remains of his dorm.

It hadn’t even seemed possible; the fire was only in his room. It hadn’t spread any further, but there were chemicals on the ground.

So the explanation was accidental death, due to chemical explosion.

And we all thought that it was the end of it, we moved on, and forget the nerds death. We’re not cruel, we just saw it as tragic, but honestly who would miss him? He hadn’t socialized with any of us; he’d been -to be honest- a little creepy. To say the University did anything except hold a funeral at chapel is true.

The famous tune played, and we listened to the Mother and Father, tearfully exclaiming how much they would miss Malcolm.

Some of the girls cried, but it was only a facade, we all lied.

And then that was end of it.


Okay, this was good. I found that this was one of the best intros that I have read in while. And there were punctuation mistakes, but not many. Let’s follow the rabbit and see where he leads, shall we?


My name is Graham, I’m what you would call cynical, I prefer realistic. A funeral is just a big display for us, not for them. Malcolm, didn’t get(give, maybe?) two damns what we did, the boy was charcoal in a coffin. Yet we were meant to act like we had even known the kids name.


Okay, first impression of Graham is that I like him. He seems real, and I person that I would like to know.

I’m a Wrestler and ironically enough my favourite movie is Fightclub, I hate lies or displays of false emotions/actions. I take wrestling seriously, not like WWF.


Okay, this through me for a loop the first time I read it. It didn’t quite fit in with everything else that you had written so far. It seems as if you didn’t know how to include it into another paragraph, so you just put it in there. Maybe add some more detail to it.

So perhaps I’m cynical, it’s perhaps this that made the truth escape me for so long.
Or perhaps we knew this wasn’t the end, but all pretended it was.


Great job for the cliff hanger.


Waking up, it had been a week since the squirt’s death, and strangely enough I’d thought of him, tossing and turning one thing kept burling through my mind at an indefinite pace, like the kid was smart, he knew how to work chemicals, so his death didn’t add up, and why didn’t the fire escape out his room?(Run-on. Break up into two sentences.) Movie logic showed that chemical explosions are huge and often dangerous.

Grumbling he stood up just as his mobile rang, “...Hello...”

“Graham, you sound awful.”

“I feel it Mark, so what’s up?”

Sitting back on the bed, I slowly lay down, beginning to stare boredly at the ceiling.

“To be honest, I don’t know, but Malcolm said something to me, before his death, it’s nothing I’m sure, but it was like he knew he was going to die. Premeditation perhaps?”

My heart stopped for a second, but just as it stopped common sense kicked back in, so I resumed my ceiling watching half listening.

“Mark, I think you’re right, suicide it has to be (re-word this), the kid wasn’t dim.”

Of course it was suicide it made sense, complete sense. Then why was I still doubting that.

“So... you seen the new twins, Almo and brother Oscar?”

Yep seen her, fantasized about her, and many a Cleanex(Kleenex) could tell you what I thought of her. Sitting up on the pillow I laughed a little and thought of that beauty, she was stunning, “That’s between me and my bed Mark.”

“Graham, I know you been thinking of Malcolm, don’t lie to me- you liked him.”

That totally came out of nowhere, sitting up, I figured maybe just coincidence.

“Don’t deny it Graham.” He continued.

I blushed, it was true, I found the attraction of both girls and guys indescribable and knowledge was a turn on for me, “I say at best a crush Mark, but honestly, kid dead let’s move on, I’m not ‘that’ into him.”

Mark laughed over the phone and I just groaned, “Anyway, don’t evade the point idiot. You want Almo, don’t you?”

“A little less than you wanted Malcolm.”

Sighing I replied, “Okay drop it. Do you plan on bringing up anything else or just plan to remind me of my inability to talk to the same sex a certain way?”

“Calm down dude, I was only messing... This murd--- I mean death has you really wound up.”

“I know... but so many things don’t add up.”

“Maybe, just forget it mate, you wanna know--- oh shit my parents are up, have to talk later!”

Hearing the dial tone, I fell on(my?)bed.

Great. My best friend had seen my attraction to Malcolm, perhaps it been a mistake going to his funeral, not like I’d really wanted to. Instead, I’d cried at home and was sure that’d be the end of it. Move on, forget it, but I couldn’t forget seeing him the day before, the face untarnished as of yet but his eyes so very tired.

Growling in frustration I put my mind to Almo, slipping back into bed and letting my imagination be my partner for tonight: wonderful brown haired goddess, with a smile that could excite and dark green eyes that grabbed the heart.

I then remember only fire, and a shape, a shape I’d come to know in due course. I knew at this point this wasn’t a fire of chemicals; it was malevolent dark and twisted. It spoke with guttural shriek, in melodies that hurt the ears. I remember the eyes. I remember the eyes.

Waking up with a start, I saw I was drenched with sweat, but I couldn’t remember what had caused(in?)me such fear. It was morning, sun was streaming in the window, and from my dorm I could hear the sounds of the place waking up: the guys closing and opening the doors to use the bath or showers, shave and clean teeth. While careless chatter could be heard, whispered answers about the coming tests, generic TV shows and various bands.

As per usual, Daniel was missing, probably shacked out in some bed with one of the girls. And I preferred it this way. Daniel was a junkie and often I had come back into(the) room smelling of pot. The leafy acrid stench mixed with the alcoholic beverages, but thankfully he had taken my implicit advice and not taken a girl to the dorm again. Moron.

Standing up, I stretched briefly, before entering the shower. After a while I climbed out and then got dressed into a Soccer t-shirt and a pair of creased jeans. Grabbing a belt I tightened it quickly before throwing on a pair of white socks, then my bedraggled Nike Sneakers, dropping my baseball cap on to my head and grabbing my folder for Psychology, it was going to be a long day.

Rushing to headlong like a bullet, I sped down the stairs two at a time. It wasn’t that I was late, it was more because my tutor loved coming early and due to this class began differently to what schedule laid out(this needs to be re-worded- maybe something like ‘this class beginning differently’). How ironic, a psychology teacher teaching half-asleep, drunk or otherwise dead adults. Then after Dr Mengle like experiments we moved on to my path in life- Wrestling and not that pussyfied garbage either. This was serious. In theory I could beat people to a pulp then discuss their Mummy issues.

But for now I was awake in psychology( not an easy challenge.) As people sat down, I turned to see the twins. Almo turning many a guy eye, and even some girls, her brother quietly sitting down and being not at all like his twin; even going so far as to turn away from her as she sat down announcing her presence to the lustful eyes. Her bouncing dark hair like some radiant waterfall.

But, her brother avoided her. It had disturbed me.

“Alright class.”

The room quietened(quieted) as the Professor came in. No doubt he’d been here longer, but he just felt now was a good time to make himself known. He was strange that way.

“Now now, I’m sure you got plenty to talk about, maybe even someone planning a party. It doesn’t matter for now. I need absolute concentration.”

Strange didn’t enter into it, he was fucking odd.

“Please open your minds and tell me of how you’re feeling. This is a simple exercise, I wish for you to analyze person next to you and label them with a condition from book.”

Someone interrupted, “But sir, this doesn’t achieve anything, does it?”

“Right Jacob but it’s what we do everyday mentally.”

As we all arranged ourselves with(another) person, I took out the text book, opening it at Mental Conditions page 45. Jacob was right this was pointless, but as I swung round saw who was sitting next to me, shocking strawberry blond hair, a cute smile, I couldn’t help but shrug. Maybe this could be fun.

“Hey Graham, looks like I need to psychoanalyze you, kinda like playing doctor.”

I merely nodded, Ruby was pretty sweet, but plain compared to Almo.

She took a pad and pen, letting a twinkling smile dance over her mouth, “So Graham, tell me about yourself.”

Strange, way she was acting was a little weird, “I’m 22, born in Minnesota, and I’m at the university for both Wrestling and Psychology.”

“How did you know Malcolm?”

That was pretty damn forward especially when this was supposed to be a bit of fun, “I don’t believe we are meant to discuss it.”

“It makes sense if you think about it. That event could change a person’s mental state.” She speculated.

“Ruby, you’re taking this exercise too seriously. None of us are qualified to give any real help.”
Why was she so interested about it? She looked so sweet and innocent even, but the question she just asked was disturbing me. And somehow I was aware she knew this.

“I wouldn’t say that Graham. Besides you were at the funeral- I saw you.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. This wasn’t happening.

“It doesn’t matter, does it?” My voice raised, “You are meant to ask other questions.”

“Ok... but if we fail. I blame you.”

Breathing out, I relaxed, “I’ve always found I stand out from other people, I’m not a jock, I’m not a nerd. I’m just kind of there. My main love is wrestling but I find most of my fellow class brainless buffoons.”

She wrote down some scribbles, “Interesting, go on.”

“My best friend is out of college living at home. My Da’s in the army, while my Mum typical American house wife. If Dad had his way, I’d be in Middle East right now. I chose to do Psychology and Wrestling.”

“Hmm... have recent events here disturbed you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, that was rather odd thing to put forward.

“Well certain things that made you act differently.”

Where was she going with this?

“Well, events that made you behave in ways you otherwise wouldn’t have, like a wedding?”

“I don’t get you?”

“You were at his funeral you’ve freely admitted, why? I’m his sister- I was there. You were one of the bastards that drove him to suicide”

I watched as she stood up all appearance of placidness gone, “And yet you went. He needed help and no one would listen. He came to all of you.”

The whole class including myself watched in silent horror as she screamed.

“You had no right to be there. And where were all of you, when he needed you?”

She climbed up on the chair toppling her desk in fury. There was a loud crash as the table hit the floor with her textbook and work.

“Time for fucking silence is over. Malcolm would’ve never hurt a fly! But you- you especially- you, Almo destroyed him”

The tutor finally spoke, “As much as a student freaking out in class is a good lesson in psychology, Ms Ruby can you please sit down and stop making an intuitional atmosphere.”

“Get stuffed you presumptuous cunt!”

A few of people in class waited with baited breaths. It wasn’t common for Mr. Gilmour to lose his temper.

“Please sit back down and be quiet. I’d hate to have to send my best student out.”

She looked at them all, “No. He wasn’t heard when he was quiet. So I won’t stop in fact I’ll yell louder.”

“You all killed him. He didn’t commit suicide you drove your knives into his back!”

Mr. Gilmour sighed, before removing his glasses, “Very well Ruby you leave me no choice. I’m sure you understand that there is(a) Counsellor(counselor) on grounds. I shall just call ahead to explain you’re coming.”

I watched as he rang on phone; spoke a bit before, placing it back down.

“Ruby you’re one of my best students, but it’s been arranged you’re going to have a week sick leave, you are restricted to the Campus, I shall take you’re student card as you won’t be leaving(the) building for a week.”

She began to whimper before climbing off the chair, “Sir, can I take Jasmine with me.”

He nodded, “My thoughts exactly, Jasmine take her to the counsellor (counselor) and make sure you stay there until he’s available.”

As they left people began to speak excitedly before Mr. Gilmour shushed everyone, “Never boring here is it? I was hoping to show you a presentation, but instead I’ll have to give homework.”

There were lots of involuntary groans, especially from me.

“Well perhaps you shall all learn a lesson never bring drama here. We’re doing Psychology. It’s unethical to study any of the students here. So no more drama toot sweet.”

Sighing loudly I stood up and put my books away. More homework. More drama. More absolute insanity. But how was I to know this was merely an omen of what was to come? That Ruby was further from(the) truth? How were we to know? I couldn’t have.

As I got out the classroom, I saw people milling about, like zombies they were, intent on devouring knowledge of this facility. I had a few hours before Wrestling, so I would head to Common Room. It was hard to ignore the splendour of this hall, with wooden panelling all the way down the hall on the walls with a royal blue carpet, slightly faded with age. Sometimes as I walked past the classes I saw various posters inspiring us with words like ‘Imagine’, ‘Aspire’ and ‘Realize’, further on were the lockers, with their own distinct persona in various incarnation.

But I wasn’t interested in this. I just wanted to relax, watch some TV while I wile away the hours before wrestling. That was my plan. As I walked down the long corridor, I remembered how Ruby blamed Almo, how vehemently she stared at her. Perhaps just bitch fight. But she did really seem sure. And fact was Almo did come to University fairly recent. But why did I care?

As he turned the corner he came across her twin, “Hi Oscar.”

Her brother turned round, “Hello Graham, you’ve not seen my sister have you?”

“I’m afraid not.”

Oscar was rather odd; he seemed to be a kind guy, mainly just because he wasn’t as loud as his sister, “That is rather worrying, my friend. Tell me if you find her, be careful of her my friend... she(is) shall we say more than she appears.”

“I’ll be sure to do that Oscar.”

“My father instructed me to look after her. But how can I defend her when she allows... ah well. Just don’t trust a viper my friend.”

We parted as he walked off in opposite direction. For a cute guy, he was a little nuts. Shame. Shrugging I opened the common room; inside were a Snooker table, a LCD TV, three sofas, a bar on one side and two arcade machines. The improvement was amazing; originally it had been for lack of better word pretty crap(py). But the students kept asking and finally the Dean gave in.

Leaping on to the couch, I grabbed the remote with free hand and thought about the day so far. Let’s see where did it get fucked up? Hmm. Well there was waking up- that was normal. Psychology I was accused of killing guy(that I) had a secret crush on, she went bat-shit insane. The girl in question was cute but man she could yell. Ouch. Then there was Almo, she was wondrous, but what the hell did her brother mean? A viper, I could take her. Nothing made sense.

Mark would have a field day with this tonight. Yeh his best friend was cuckoo, or the whole university was cuckoo, or maybe the whole fucking world. Imagine how tonight conversation going to go. Mark a girl jumped on table and screamed at everyone and I was told girl we both like is a viper. And yes Mark I am sane. Oh world you have messed up sense of humour.

Finally having enough I clicked the remote, seeing a myriad of colours immediately forming a face. A chill entered my body. The world turned black and white and I heard a low growl. It grew and spoke one word, “Soon.” Ice entered my veins as my heart pumped it through my system. There was deafening echo in the monochrome world while faceless bodies moved around me. It spoke another word in the noir common room, “You’ll see little boy.”

I couldn’t move, couldn’t feel anything the numbness, the mind had died on me, my body was totally paralyzed with the frozen blood now in my system. The faceless people even now left, as I sat dread in my eyes.

Frozen in fear.

Then, I woke up the colour was all there, no more creepy people, but all the students I typically saw in here and a guy talking about how liberals were the main problem in USA. Yeah, I don’t think. Switching the channel, I sat back listening and watching the music videos.

As I tuned into Kerrang, I felt a presence drop down beside me. There was Claire a beautiful ebony girl, with dark- almost- chocolate coloured hair. She was another girl who caught my gaze but rumour was she was more into girls. But still, I liked boys as well as girls, so maybe she did. As I admired her and mentally undressed her with my eyes, I noticed something that made me stop. She hadn’t slept for a while.

“Hey Clair, you okay?”

She smiled forcefully, and answered slowly but clearly, “Yes.”

“Graham. Don’t worry about me. I’ve just been studying all night.”

I grinned, “Well what brings you to the common room?”

“People”

She stared at TV and from corner of my eye I saw tears dripping from her nose.”

“Well, came to right place Claire, people abound here.” I laughed nervously, what did she mean?

She smirked wryly, “You think so.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yes. Just need to see people.”

With that she climbed off couch as I puzzled it out.

As she walked off I thought of many questions, I could have asked, but figured always talk to her later. Glancing at my watch, I leapt off in horror. Fuck. I’m late. Not only that I’d have to grab my bag as well. This day wasn’t going good.

As I left the room with my bag in hand, I belted down the corridor, heading towards right wing of the University and towards the P.E area.


To clear things up:
Red-grammar mistakes
Blue- misspellings, although some I wasn't sure about.

Okay, as I told you before, I really liked this. The complexity of Graham intrigues me, and so I will continue to read. You everything else because of chat. So, here you go!
Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole. -Dean, Supernatural




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Reviews 126
Since everyone already nitpicked the piece, and I hate to do that anyway I'll just give you a really brief summary of my thoughts.

Basically like all good books I became engrossed about halfway through. It ended up being around 10 pages of only 1 side being used after I printed it out. To my sadness I finished reading after 10minutes, and was left with nothing. You'll have to tell me if there is more. Now onto my thoughts for real.

First I felt that the main character was definitely portrayed very well in a few aspects. Throughout the passage I definitely knew what your character was thinking and how he felt about each event which is very good for the most part. Also concerning the environment you did a good job. It became evident shortly after the beginning that the main character was at a university somewhere, and I enjoyed knowing about the basic environment so early on. This works in some cases, and I think it was a good choice for this novel instead of going for making the reader wait and adding that mysterious factor.

Mystery is obviously the element you chose as your hook to say, and might I say this was definitely your strongest factor. It made me want to figure out what the heck was going on concerning the whole murder/accident thing. A lot of your supporting characters were introduced in a clever way, and like your main character I felt that their personality, physical appearance and the main characters feelings toward them were well expressed.

Well that's my two cents,

Day
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"



When one door closes, another one opens. If not, just take out your jackhammer and break through that wall.
— Toast F. Krestvwich