Feel.

Two sets of stairs,
but I soar to the top.
Three hallways down,
yet I still never stop.
We open each door,
and we break all the glass.
we gaze at the sky,
and we sleep in the grass.
Some cry, want the past,
want a me that is real.
But I'm lost at the sea,
and these waves help me feel.
So I paint them all red,
and I burn all their pain.
Now they stay in my mind,
now they're lost in my brain.

Heybeccahey! I love how I can greet you just by stating your user-name.

I really like the flow of this poem. There were no awkward pauses, and this shows that you really took the time to edit this and find a nice meter. It's the sort of poem that you can tell just has to rhyme, in order to give it that feel. Feel.

heybeccahey wrote:Now they stay in my mind,
now their lost in my brain.

This is a rule that I can't stress enough! Their and they're, they're and their. Oh, not to mention there. I know, they're confusing. But whenever you use either the word "their" or "they're" in a sentence, stop, and replace it with "they are." If the word can be replaced with "they are," then it should be they're, and if it can't, it should be "their." Their shows possession, and they're is a contraction for they are. You can tell because of the apostrophe; when an apostrophe is not showing possession, then it is most likely showing that some letter(s) have been cut off from the word.

So, let's try it ...

Now they stay in my mind,
now they are lost in my brain.

It makes sense, doesn't it? So, it should be they're. For more they're vs. their vs. there, visit http://www.planetoid.org/grammar_for_geeks/there_their_theyre.html

I hope this helps!

- Abigail

Hey there Becca, I'm Flower and I will be your reviewer for the afternoon!

heybeccahey wrote:Two sets of stairs,
but I soar to the top.
Three hallways down,
yet I still never stop.
We open each door,
and we break all the glass.
we gaze at the sky,
and we sleep in the grass. From the beginning to here the rhyming is wonderful. Then as you proceed it leaves. It's almost as if you dropped the whole ordeal. Also I am not really sure what you are talking about. You just seem to be making rhymes and not really telling us anything.
Some cry, want the past, [b]This made no sense to me. I don't really understand because you changed the whole scene at random. It's very distracting to read this, and it makes it complicated.
want a me that is real. Same as before it make no sense.
But I'm lost at the sea, You started getting back on track here with the imagery, but you still haven't told us anything.
and these waves help me feel. Help you feel what? You have to answer questions like this when you write. You don't want the reader confused, and you don't want them to have to think about it a lot when they are reading.
So I paint them all red, Paint what red?
and I burn all their pain. Whose pain?
Now they stay in my mind,
now their lost in my brain.

This is a very confusing ending, and you still leave unanswered questions.

Well overall you left me quite confused. I think that in your poems you should answer more of the questions that you ask. I mean that you should answer instead of ask, that is. You seem to ask a lot more questions, and then the reader has to sit and decipher the meaning, when I should be splayed all over the poem.

Also like I said above, work on your rhyme scheme, it is a bit sketchy here. It kind of breaks up in the middle.

Other than that good job, let me know if you ever want a review. If you don't understand what I'm saying them just send me a message and ask, I will be happy to explain in further detail.

-Flower-

Flower,


the poem is about drugs.
I'm usually not the type to write poetry just to write, although thats perfectly fine. I like each and every line to have a specific meaning to me. They were all thought out very carefully. I understand that you think it doesn't make much sense, because to any other ordinary person, it probably doesn't, when I really look at it. But thank you for the review anyway. It did somewhat help me out.

Hi there!

I love, love, love, love this! You write beautifully, and although it is a little bit confusing and it is vague, that is the beauty of poetry, don't you think? I hate it when people come to me and say that they don't get my poetry, or that there's not enough details, because I honestly think that this is the way poetry should be. Let people interpret it, let it speak to them. Keep on writing!

-Other One

brilliant, just brilliant! in this you explained the different ways to feel. for example you wrote red and on the next line it relates to burn or by putting something in your mind and gets lost in your brain, it relates to putting a CD in your bedroom and losing it in your house. Did you see where I am coming with this? I'd really really like to read some more poems like this. I've gotta say, you've got a good talent

I have to say I agree with Flower-Child. Though I read your post about this being about drugs, I am still confused by it. You didn't really convey much emotion through the writing. It felt like a bunch of words. Even if it meant something to you, it means nothing to me. Though, I really liked the beginning:

Two sets of stairs,
but I soar to the top.
Three hallways down,
yet I still never stop.

This poem reads like a skeleton that needs some fleshing out. Give us some clues as to what is happening or we lose the beauty of it.

Hope that was helpful. -Lauren

welp. here I go.

heybeccahey wrote:Two sets of stairs,
but I soar to the top.
Three hallways down,
yet I still never stop.
We open each door,
and we break all the glass.
we gaze at the sky,
and we sleep in the grass.All of this is the character. The character would be many people I know of, but that isn't exactly the point. This is the addiction, the high, the feeling that lights up inside of them, that makes them want to stay in the strange world they put their self in. This is simply the life of the addict. I would love to explain the puzzle behind every line, but I'm afraid that it would make this post extremely long.
Some cry, want the past,
want a me that is real.
But I'm lost at the sea,
and these waves help me feel." Some" would be referring to friends, family, the people we love. They want the addict back where they we're before they got into drugs, they want them in reality. But the addict refers to the "sea" as the drug, or maybe in the place the drug puts them, and they don't know if they can withdraw, they're lost in that place. They also don't believe that they want to find their way out, because the drug coats feelings over the swarm of anger or depression that they were constantly living in.
So I paint them all red,
and I burn all their pain.
Now they stay in my mind,
now they're lost in my brain. This is extremely hard to explain. But to make it short, they basically force themselves to ignore the pain, embarrassment, and concern that they bring to the ones that they love. They abandon them, try to forget about them. They make them a mere memory.

I COMPLETELY understand that most are trying to help, and thank you so much! You all really have helped a lot. But a poem is a poem, there are no rules. It may seem like a skeleton to you, but to me, it is a soul. it is a piece of art. So please, make it whatever you want it to be (:


but if it makes you all feel any better, I have been somewhat trying to rewrite it, because I understand that people don't exactly like the vagueness. So thank you, be as critical as you can, I need to learn.