Forgotten (Part 1)

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My first romantic short story. Feel free to tear it up :]

Kerrah looked out the window of the passenger seat of the car and at the mahogany trees that lined the street. They moved quickly behind, like they were blowing away in the light August breeze. The only light came from far away streetlights and distant city lights behind the trees. The sound of honking cars traveled from a highway and faintly touched her ears. The car radio played, almost silently, a song as light and slow as the breeze outside. Her dark hair was tied in a messy and low bun to keep what remained of the summer heat off her neck. Wearing a sweatshirt, jeans, and her favorite boots, she could feel the air caress her face.
A hand lightly landed on top of hers and she turned to smile at the driver of the car.

Justin looked at his girlfriend from the driver's seat of the car, one of his hands gripping the steering wheel. Her black hair was tied in a loose knot and she smiled at him, her hand under his. She was slouched low in the seat, her head tilted back, relaxed. He looked back at the dark road, slightly illuminated by headlights. A few cars cruised by; their headlights momentarily lightning up Justin's face.
Kerrah's smile was imprinted into his brain, the only image he could see when he closed his eyes. It was the same smile she wore when he first saw her, on an evening much like this one, in July. A block party at his neighbor's house was where he had first met her. She had only just moved in, a few days ago, with her parents. She'd walked confidently through the screen door that led to his neighbor's backyard, trailing her parents and elder sister. In her hands she held a plate of multicolored petit fours that her mom had made. She wore denim shorts and a flowing, white, strappy blouse. Standing with the rest of the neighborhood's teenagers, he watched as she set the plate down on the table of food that had been laid out, murmur a few words to her mother, and walk towards them.

Kerrah thought that the warmth of Justin's hand against hers reminded her of the warmth of a cookie, fresh out of the oven. It was a small piece that made up her summer, developed from helping out at her mom's bakery. Her mom, a renowned pastry chef with a dream of opening her very own bakery, had previously worked in a high-class restaurant. Upon moving to the suburbs that surrounded the city of Trenton, New Jersey, she'd opened up a bakery and allowed Kerrah to spend her summer afternoons helping her mix the cake batter and carry heavy sacks of flour to and fro. It was the smell of the cake frosting, the taste of the cookie dough, and the warm, sugary air about the kitchen that had made up most of Kerrah's first summer in New Jersey. The sugary feeling had been there the whole time: In the New Jersey breeze that had first welcomed her, underneath the covers of her bed, on shopping trips with her older sister in the city, and every moment she spent with Justin. It had started with the petit fours they had eaten, side-by-side, at a neighborhood barbecue two months ago. She had spent most of the night with the girls in the neighborhood, getting to know them and making a mental note of their names. Dakota, Jessica, Mina, Niamh... She realized only later in the night, after dinner, that she hadn't eaten a single one of her mom's petit fours, her favorite of her mom's desserts, all night. She walked over to the almost empty food table, and scanned the rows of plates and bowls for her mom's colorful pastries, finally spotting it on the end. She grabbed a napkin and reached for the very last pastry on the plate at the same time another hand reached for it. She looked up, startled. She'd been so engrossed in getting the last petit four that she hadn't seen the dark-haired boy reaching for the same dessert. She had a feeling that he'd done the same.
"Oh, um...Sorry, go ahead," he mumbled.
"No, no, it's alright. I've had them before. You should try them, they're delicious." The boy smiled.
"Your mom made them right?” Kerrah nodded as he continued. "You know what? Let's split it." He grabbed a plastic knife from the basket of plastic cutlery and sliced the baby blue square in half, taking a half for him. Kerrah reached for the other half. They both bit into the fluffy cake and smiled as it melted in their mouths.
"I'm Justin by the way," he said, after swallowing.
"Kerrah," she replied. And then, she smiled.

Watch out for Part 2 (Coming soon) if you enjoyed this. :]
“We’re having too good a time today. We ain’t thinkin’ about tomorrow.”
-Johnny Depp, Public Enemies


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Welcome to YWS!

I kind of grew bored of the nostalgic reminiscing that starts the book off. It seems like a bad way to start a romantic story. The only reason I can think of for starting with two lovers driving in a car is if they are about to drive off a cliff; which is generally a bad ending for a romantic fiction story.

The classic start for a romantic story is some variation of "boy meets girl." To your credit, you started to do that toward the end, but by that time I had already lost interest. Let's start with 'boy meets girl.'

Kerrah thought that the warmth of Justin's hand against hers reminded her of the warmth of a cookie, fresh out of the oven. It was a small piece that made up her summer, developed from helping out at her mom's bakery. Her mom, a renowned pastry chef with a dream of opening her very own bakery, had previously worked in a high-class restaurant. Upon moving to the suburbs that surrounded the city of Trenton, New Jersey, she'd opened up a bakery and allowed Kerrah to spend her summer afternoons helping her mix the cake batter and carry heavy sacks of flour to and fro. It was the smell of the cake frosting, the taste of the cookie dough, and the warm, sugary air about the kitchen that had made up most of Kerrah's first summer in New Jersey. The sugary feeling had been there the whole time: In the New Jersey breeze that had first welcomed her, underneath the covers of her bed, on shopping trips with her older sister in the city, and every moment she spent with Justin. It had started with the petit fours they had eaten, side-by-side, at a neighborhood barbecue two months ago. She had spent most of the night with the girls in the neighborhood, getting to know them and making a mental note of their names. Dakota, Jessica, Mina, Niamh... She realized only later in the night, after dinner, that she hadn't eaten a single one of her mom's petit fours, her favorite of her mom's desserts, all night. She walked over to the almost empty food table, and scanned the rows of plates and bowls for her mom's colorful pastries, finally spotting it on the end. She grabbed a napkin and reached for the very last pastry on the plate at the same time another hand reached for it. She looked up, startled. She'd been so engrossed in getting the last petit four that she hadn't seen the dark-haired boy reaching for the same dessert. She had a feeling that he'd done the same.


This is what we call an info-dump. It looks like you were pretty hungry while you were writing this, because you put the story of her mom's renowned cooking in the same paragraph of meeting Justin. The writing in general seems a little distracted. There is so much fluff about Justin's hand being warm like that of a fresh baked cookie. It's enough to make me concerned for Justin's safety, lest she try to bite him in search of some sweet chocolaty goodness.

In fact, we need to slow this story down completely. Let's start the story with her going to the block party. She's new to the area; this way we can meet the characters in the story at the same time the main character (which I choose to be Kerrah, because she is new to the area and Justine hasn't shown off any interesting characteristic up to this point, except for reminding Kerrah of food.)

You kind of skip over her meeting the girls in the neighborhood; which is a rookie error. Most aspiring romance novelists want to get to the romantic parts immediately. Fight that urge; instead focus on establishing the setting, the main character, and the basic plot. You've got an entire book to have them make googly eyes at one another; before you go there though, you need to clue the reader in.

Dakota, Jessica, Mina, Niamh, if they're important enough to warrant their own names, then they're worth spending a paragraph talking to, perhaps. Otherwise, why mention them in the first place?

She'd been so engrossed in getting the last petit four that she hadn't seen the dark-haired boy reaching for the same dessert. She had a feeling that he'd done the same.

"Oh, um...Sorry, go ahead," he mumbled.

"No, no, it's alright. I've had them before. You should try them, they're delicious." The boy smiled.

"Your mom made them right?” Kerrah nodded as he continued. "You know what? Let's split it." He grabbed a plastic knife from the basket of plastic cutlery and sliced the baby blue square in half, taking a half for him. Kerrah reached for the other half. They both bit into the fluffy cake and smiled as it melted in their mouths.

"I'm Justin by the way," he said, after swallowing.

"Kerrah," she replied. And then, she smiled.


Did I mention how food obsessed Kerrah appears? Seriously, I know more about the cake than I do about Justin.

Also, why does Justin have to be a gentleman and split the cake? What if he is an egotistical maniac when we first meet him; but his love for Kerrah allows him to change him into the perfect man; that is, a giant cookie. :D

Perhaps I went on a little too much about the food, but it's all gentle nudging. Overall, I think that this is a nice first draft. There are elements of this draft that should be expanded on and moved forward, such as the block party. Other elements, such as the driving scene at the beginning, while nicely written, probably should be shelved for a later scene. Considering your age and experience, I think you did very well. I hope this helps direct you in the next draft.
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Hey, congrats on being featured :). This story has a lot of potential!

To start off, I agree with what Griffin said, I got a bit bored by the reminiscing in the beginning. I think it would have been much more interesting if the story had started off at the block party, since more seems to be happening there than in the car.

Also,
Her dark hair was tied in a messy and low bun to keep what remained of the summer heat off her neck. Wearing a sweatshirt, jeans, and her favorite boots, she could feel the air caress her face.


It was a bit dull how you just told us straight up how she looked. Try to work on showing not telling.

One other thing I noticed is that the characters don't have much flair. They seem pretty average and boring. Try giving them some negative character traits to add some complexity to them :).

Overall I was impressed by you and I can't wait to read more
Favorite books:

The Hunger Games

Eyes Like Stars

Life of Pi

Mortal Instruments

Howl's Moving Castle




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Hey! Charlotte Grace here!

Okay let me start off that I have no idea where the story is going so far. I just thought you sould know that.
I'm a little confused about the story. YOu kept jumping from one person and then back to the other. I think that parts me though. (I get confuzzled easily)
You skipped over the part about meeting the girls. I thought you should add more detail to that.
In the whole story you didn't put much description in it, and I kinda like the detail. You can gather your surroundings easier and it makes some parts make so much more sense.

All in all I liked it.

-Charlotte Grace
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball




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I REALLY liked this it was romantic and made me wish I had a boyfriend like that <3 keep it up PM me when you post more about this story.
-Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn



I went to confront noisy neighbours, only to find the windows dark, stuck with two notes. The ghost, too, had "gone fishing". Something still whistled.
— Liminality