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Wow, I have to say I am blown away. The darkness and evil is painted so well with your writing style! My favorite line was this one:

He could hear her inhuman heart beating even as the door closed. The fear that restricted it was tantalizing. Licking his lips, he ran his fingers through his abnormal white flakes of hair.

Did you mean constricted instead of restricted?

And I also liked:

As he watched himself, his fingers crawled into his trousers and pulled out a golden pocket watch.

A few things that could improve:

Some of the word choice in the dialogue didn't quite feel right to me. For example:

Someone by the name of Ivory Westchester has it without her knowledge

Maybe it's just me, but if you rephrased the "without her knowledge" part, it might flow better.

Also, the "Glass Vase" would sound more intriguing if it had a more sinister name. "Glass Vase" seems very vague. Something like Demon's Chalice or the Ghostly Vessel would be more fun. I don't know, you decide .

Can't wait for more! Good luck!

P.S. I love the name Lavira!

Pink, argh! Why didn't it say in the 'follow' that you'd posted this??

A tongue swept over his small fangs as walked back and forth, pacing with his hands behind his back.

This is the only part I didn't like. First, you wrote 'a tongue swept over his small fangs'. Whose tongue? What tongue? It was a disturbing image. I would change it to 'his tongue swept over...' Also, you're missing a word in the bold part. He, maybe?

And that was it for Nitpicks. You've decided to try your hand at fantasy again? good for you! Is this the Elf story, or another? So far, this is very intriguing, very good and easy read and flow. Great job.

Can't wait to read more!!

Tanya

P.S. And I have to agree with LauRux' suggestions instead of glass vase

Thanks for the reviews

Also, the "Glass Vase" would sound more intriguing if it had a more sinister name. "Glass Vase" seems very vague. Something like Demon's Chalice or the Ghostly Vessel would be more fun. I don't know, you decide

I understand what you mean so I'm changing it...slightly, to the Glass Vase of Urvian. Sound scary? No? Well, it will be scary when I post the first chapter, sort of...
But anyways, thanks for the thoughts, they helped me finish up the first chapter but I don't think I'll post it until I'm done writing my first novel, otherwise, I'll get side tracked.
Thanks again!

~Shear

The title is what drew me in! I adored it, to be completely honest. I am a paranormal lover, i have read and watched a libraries worth of stuff on this exact genre! Nice touch, his vanity, by the way. One suggestion, since his pocket watch is important, maybe describe it more? Like, i know its golden, but does it have inscription? scratches? is it as old as him, or new? And i don't think "Glass Vase" is too cliche, at least it isn't a sword or something lol, now THAT would be cliche as heck! Well, i have to go, so see you!
Good luck and Well Done!

Hello there Pink!


Here to review as requested.

Since you're Pink, I'll do the nitpicks in that color. :3

His tongue swept over his small fangs as walked back and forth, pacing with his hands behind his back.

Honestly speaking, I don't quite like this. It's because you've mentioned the word "his" too many times which you could have probably rephrase it into something else that doesn't use much of repetition. And in my opinion, it's really better if you had to mention his name in the first place.

How I would write it: "...as he walked back and forth, pacing with his hands kept at the back."

The fine red strands of velvet-like hair fell over her heart-shaped face.

Perhaps a "dush" would've come in handy?

and showing her his devilish dark smile.

I think the word "her" is not that necessary anymore.


~


First of all, kicking aside those nitpicks, negative comments or whatsoever, I thank you for the good read. The tone or the voice of your main character is what grabs my attention to read the whole story line completely. And to say that the morality or the wickedness between the two characters in your story actually impressed me. Having this as your first chapter or a prologue, I say this is a pretty good start. Even though this is a bit short, but I think it is what the length of this piece makes this so realistic. Your descriptions are good, I could even imagine how your main character moves, smiles and how he takes out his watch. One thing though that distracts me is how you've kept on mentioning Crosse smiling. It is just personally a bit annoying for me when I read phrases like: "he curved up a smile", then there goes,"he smirked" and many phrases related to that. And also you might want to stretch out more of his personality here, he's quite unclear.However, the mystery you're creating here is what I like; you have ended it in a way a reader craves for more.

So taking about descriptions, I think you have balanced it out averagely. But maybe, depicting more of the smell, the noise and not so much more of the visual descriptions wouldn't hurt, right? Anyways, you did a good job at showing. And regarding to the watch and the Glass vase, I think you can narrate more about it so that it would help your readers to understand of what really is the main aim of your character. What's with the watch and the vase? So just add a few hints or clues about it in the story. Also, going with the grammar and punctuations, I give you a tap on the shoulder. haha. But really, I have to say it was pretty neat and clean. your verb consistency are good and your dialogs too are impressive.

So that's all I can say. All in all, this is pretty good. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

This was very nicely done. I would try concentrating on the woman's fear, and perhaps try developing more a personality for the devil. Will he be pure evil? As sadistic as he possibly could be? Does he delight in pain, or is he apathetic, and use it only as a means? Is he sarcastic? Funny? Or will he be simply evil?
I dunno. I was wondering that.
Also, when you started the sentence towards the beginning, the one describing his suit, it seemed to drag on. I would reduce the first phrase in it.

Overall though, very nicely done. I would try more development, and perhaps expand on this chapter as a whole. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more from this.

-Coral-

Thanks for the review Coral
I get what you mean, more his personality will be shown in the first chapter, I was just trying to built an atmosphere, I suppose. But I will work on what you've mentioned!
Thank you,

~Shear

Hey Pink Here to review as requested from the Four Musketeers WRFF thread.

His tongue swept over his small fangs as walked back and forth, Pacing with hands behind his back.

Shouldn't be capitalized.

The view from his hotel room was extravagant, enough.

Doesn't seem necessary, and to a certain extent, doesn't make sense

The night lights twinkled like stars and painted an innocent picture. One so tender, he wished to destroy it…

Can a picture be tender?

Flakes of snowy hair were wildly spread across his head and his thin silver glasses made his eyes seem more human than unnatural.

Flakes of hair? When I picture this in my head, I see dandruff Perhaps "strands of snowy hair", or "curls", or "lanks". "Flakes" doesn't work.

As he watched himself, his fingers crawled into his trousers and pulled out a golden pocket watch.

lolz. I was hoping he'd pull out something else

He fine red strands of velvety hair fell over her heart shaped face.

Should probably just quickly skim over your work for small mistakes.

Her eyes were the color of the ocean and her pale skin made her pink lips stand out, proudly.

Can lips stand out proudly? Prominently, yes. Petulantly, yes. Proudly? Sounds a bit weird.

“Crosse Willows, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person,” she said in her natural seductive voice.

*naturally

He could hear her inhuman heart beating even as the door closed.

How could she be alive after 100 years if she was human?

No, Crosse Willows is not a vampire. . .

Woah, what? This makes me far more interested. You should probably mention this somewhere in the story right in the beginning. Maybe something like, "Most people associated fangs with vampires, but the man knew that he was far more powerful and didn't subject himself to the silly limitations of the leeches."

Good beginning, just thought that the Glass Vase sounds like it's going to have some similarity to the Holy Grail, and if it is, in fact, the Holy Grail, you might as well call it that

- Jai (on to chapter one)

One for all! And all for one!

Why hello thar! My dear sister, Seemingly, informed me that your story was "great" and that I should get on with reviewing it, however, after reading this prologue it has me wondering if she was mistaken. Perhaps your next chapter will live up to my expectations? Anyway, onto the actual review. Oh, yes, Azrael at your service reviewing on behalf of the Four Musketeers.

His tongue swept over his small fangs as he walked back and forth, pacing with hands behind his back.

Usually, when one is walking "back and forth" someone is pacing. Repeating this is redundant. Therefore it would beneficial to have it written like this, "His tongue swept over his small fangs as he paced back and forth with his hands behind his back."

Wearing an elegant black and gray English suite that cried 18th century while still swaying toward the more modern times, he stopped and peered through the wall size window, which illustrated the perfect city of London.

Wall-sized? I don't know about this... when I try to imagine it all I see is a window that takes up an entire wall, as if there is no actual wall and it really is a window. Maybe try re-writing that?

One so fragile, he wished to destroy it…

You don't really need a comma there. I don't think. Read it out loud with a pause and without.

Slowly, his lips curved at his reflection

.

Curved? I don't know if he is frowning or smiling. Perhaps the word "down" or "up" is required here.

Strands of snowy hair were wildly spread across his head and his thin silver glasses made his eyes seem more human than unnatural.

You could replace the part in red with just, "less unnatural." And if you want you could place, "and more human" afterwards, but that's up to you.

He was far stronger than the moonwalkers, strength and speed unmatched by any creature on the planet...and soon, the underworld.

I didn't really realise that he was talking about vampires here. Perhaps you should mention the actual word?

As he watched himself, his fingers crawled into his trousers and pulled out a golden pocket watch.

"Himself" should be replaced by "his reflection", because that just makes more sense. When I tried to imagine the original sentence I thought he was looking down at his own hand.

The smirk on his lips lingered as he watched the crimson door open from the reflection.

This sentence needs to be re-written. It sounds a little bit... odd. Perhaps having the sentence something like this would be better, "The smirk on his lips lingered as he watched the crimson door's reflection (from the window - not needed, but you can still have it here) open."

Her hour glass figure was draped with a skinny black dress and her heels clanked as she approached him.

I'm not entirely convinced "skinny" is the right word you're looking for here. Maybe tight?

Her eyes met his and she gave a short laugh. “You must have a really good reason for calling me here today. Normally, you never show your face, Crosse.”

Contradiction. You said this was the first time she has met him and then you say normally when she meets him he doesn't show his face.

“You wouldn’t want to cross lines with me, anyways, dear.”

Give your writing a read over before you post so you don't end up with little typos like this. Also the first comma isn't really needed unless the character always pauses unecessarily.

For a second, fear danced within her eyes. “Hmph, what if I can’t seize it?”

For a scared person her comment doesn't really show it. I mean if you were scared would you "hmph"?

“I could so easily…” he slid his finger against the corner of the table. “Send you back.”

I don't know about you, but this would sound so much more dramatic if the "so" were replaced with "just as". Read it like that. It sounds much more threatening.

Without a moment of hesitation the woman turned around and left out the door.

The "out the door" part seems sort of unneeded, I mean, how else is she going to leave?

He could hear her inhuman heart beating even as the door closed. The fear that constricted it was tantalizing.

My favourite part.

Licking his lips, he ran his fingers through his abnormal white flakes of hair.

Flakes of hair? This sounds like dandruff. And being white and all, it really does make you wonder. Maybe you should change it to strands or something...


Overall:
As a prologue its not very prologue-ish. I see this more as first chapter. I like your main character. I love evil characters. They make me happy. I like how you've made him seem evil, but for a cause, which many people do not manage to do. This story has potential and I think you could make this so much better. I applaud you for having a non-vampire character, because everyone knows that's just not good anymore. Anyway, the woman seems a little one dimensional, but I suppose she's just a minor and she'll die soon. I apolgise for my first words, because usually when Jai says something is "great" I expect it to be great, but that doesn't mean this is awful, far from it. It's actually a really good story setting and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

Phew.
For a second I thought I was reading another typical vampire story.
Well, anyway
your descriptions were very romantic, making the whole setting seem too good to be true. I wasn't really buying into it. But, I see that you have potential.
I'll keep reviewing as I read
~WickedWonder

Hi, Miss Pink! YAy! I'm reading the prologue. But hey! It doesn't seem short. LOL I was thinking of Taboo's prologue. =P
My comments in pink font!

PinkShearwater wrote:____________________________________________
The Devil's Pocket Watch
____________________________________________

His tongue swept over his small fangs as he paced with hands behind his back. Wearing an elegant black and gray English suite that cried 18th century while still swaying toward the more modern timesthat was kind of long, confused me a li'l, he stopped and peered through the wall size window, which illustrated the perfect city of London. The view from his hotel room was extravagant. The night lights twinkled like stars and painted an innocent picture. One so fragile, he wished to destroy it…
Slowly, his lips curved up at his reflection. Strands of snowy hair were wildly spread across his head and his thin silver glasses made his eyes seem more human than unnatural. His fangs on the other hand, were barely visible, one of the things that set him apart from those cowardly leechesthat clause seemed out of place. Not sure though. He was far stronger than the moonwalkers, the vampires. His strength and speed unmatched by any creature on the planet...and soon, the underworld.
As he watched himself, his fingers crawled into his trousers and pulled out a golden pocket watch. It was old, with a dozen scratches but even so, it still ticked. Flipping it in the air, he caught it again and again. The smirk on his lips lingered as the crimson door opened in the reflection.
A tall slender woman walked in. Her fine red strands of velvety hair fell over her heart shaped face. Her eyes were the color of the ocean and her pale skin made her pink lips stand out, prominently. Her hour glass figure was draped with a tight black dress and her heels clanked as she approached him.
“Crosse Willows, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person,” she said in her naturally seductive voice.
“Miss Lavira,” he answered, turning to face her. “The pleasure is mine.” He bowed slightly, keeping the smirk pasted on his cherry lips.
Her eyes met his and she gave a short laugh. “You must have a really good reason for calling me here today. Normally, you never show your face.”
He sat down in his leather arm chair, setting the watch down on the glass desk. “The Glass Vase has been located. Someone by the name of Ivory Westchester has it.” He tapped his long fingers on the cold desk. “I want it, Lavira.”
“And you think I can obtain it?”
“Yes.”
“What if I don’t give you the Glass Vase?”
"I'd get it myself if I wasn't on the cutting board," he said, lifting his finger to his mouth, showing a line of straight teeth. “You wouldn’t want to cross lines with me, anywaysnoooo...please no "anyways" XD, dear.”
For a second, fear danced within her eyes. “Hmph, what if I can’t seize it?”
“I’ll kill you.”
He could see her throat throb as she gulped. “You wouldn’t.”
“I could do worse,” he stood up. “Don’t forget, I’m the master of agony. I freed you a hundred years ago from your torment,” he mentioned, standing back up. “I could just as easily…” he slid his finger against the corner of the table. “Send you back.”
“I’ll retrieve the Glass Vase. It’ll be yours.”
“Good girl.” He lifted his eyes to her. “Run along now, kitten.” Without a moment of hesitation the woman turned around and left.
Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump.
He could hear her inhuman heart beating even as the door closed. The fear that constricted it was tantalizing. Licking his lips, he ran his fingers through his abnormal white stands of hair.
“Once I have my hands on the Glass Vase, you’ll be the first to go.”
________________________________________________________________________
No, Crosse Willows is not a vampire. . .
Also, join the Devil's page! Yes, be a minion!

Okay, so I'm kind of not in the mood to nitpick. Haha! I just noticed that there were times I feel like there were places that a comma should be but were not. Gah...you know what I mean. LOL I'll never mind that. I'll go on with the story.

WOW. The prologue is very interesting, Miss Pink. Though I wasn't a fan of way Lavira entered. Still hooked me. Now I know what you mean by pulling out your lasso and getting that reader's interest. LOL Just don't hook by the neck, no strangling please. LOL =))

Haha, I was like 'Whoah! You really don't need me to review this XD'. The others have already caught a lot of things and I don't think my nitpicking would still add something. Well, here I am, making a review as you asked . Anyway, I swear, I saw this title before here on YWS and wanted to read it but I didn't lol. The title is really catchy! I give you applause for it! The mood was nicely put. And, I didn't get lost reading this. If I am to give negative comments, I would mention the weird wordings in the first part of this prologue and a few mistakes but besides those, you're awesome! xD This is actually short for a prologue that is posted alone but since this is just the prologue, I'm alright with the length. I really don't expect prologues to be long.

So, what else...? Keep writing! lol
- Whisperer -

P.S.
Whoah, I used a lot of smileys, haha! And, oh. "Ba-dump" seems to be a weird sound for a heart's pounding. xD

I liked lots of things about this prologue. The bit with Crosse threatening to "send [Lavira] back" gave me the shivers - you are quite good at writing dialogue, I'm more than a little jealous...

That being said, the prose here needs work in a few places. Most importantly, your descriptions of people don't feel natural. Of course, they're not even close to the good ol' "police sketch": "He was yae high, wore Victorian trousers and suit, had white hair, and was totally hot", but they still don't quite fit in. Take one of the first sentences for instance:

"Wearing an elegant black and gray English suite that cried 18th century while still swaying toward the more modern times, he stopped and peered through the wall size window, which illustrated the perfect city of London."

The way this sentence is constructed implies that there's a connection between the fact that he is wearing an "English suite" (sic) (I think you meant "suit") and the fact that he is overlooking London. Is this his special "looking at London while grinning evilly" clothing? The description of Lavira, however, steers closer to the police sketch.

Her eyes were the color of the ocean and her pale skin made her pink lips stand out, prominently.

There are more elegant, more immersive ways to integrate this description into your story: "She bored into him with her impossibly blue eyes." "The stark paleness of her skin stood out against the rich mahogany and leather of his office, and her blood-red lips only served to strengthen the contrast." By attaching description to a sentence that contains a proper verb, as in the first example, you're sneaking it in there past the reader's immediate attention. This is a powerful technique, as it allows you to conjure an image up for your reader without hitting them in the face with it. The second example is a little more in-your-face, but it still doesn't feel quite as intrusive. In other words, the moral of the story is that you should try to avoid the verb "to be" like the plague when you're describing something. No matter how good your metaphors or word choice is, the description is still much better without "he was", "she was", etc.

You've done a bang-up job on characterization, I can tell you that. Crosse emanates an aura of cold power; but so does Lavira. Your skill shows right away as you manage to take two identical broad character archetypes, and make it obvious how much power one holds over the other. Usually stoics don't mix, but these two have definitely got a lot of chemistry going on.

I really did like this. Is this modern urban fantasy, or more along the lines of Victorian gothic horror sort of deal? I guess I'll find out when I read the next bit of this novel. Best of luck.

P. S. I will love you if, at some point, some character makes a pun about Crosse being cross. Do it. You know you must.

Wow.... This is really really good! Keep writing more on this plot.