Dreamstate

Spoiler

Hi guys. Below is a prophetic dream sequence from a novel I'm co-writing with my sister, called Reprisal. I need to make this less coherent and more... weird. Any suggestions are welcome (both with regards to grammar/lexical choices and how to make this more frantic and hard to decipher - but not too ridiculous). Oh, and the change in tenses is deliberate, but I'm wondering if that's a good idea/should make the slips more obvious.

Thanks in advance

- Jai

Character Cast (for those that may get confused )
Andonis - heir to the throne
Gulford - Andonis' surrogate father, King of Azuryl
Bane - General of the Azuryl army

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

It was dark. The only type of dark that was achieved by staring at the insides of your eyelids. It was like this for a while, this state of being unconscious and aware, but knowing that this condition wasn’t right. Slowly a noise becomes sharper. A ding. . . ding. . . ding . . became louder and louder until the noise reverberated within the prince's ears and sent spikes of pain through the mindlink. A sudden light flooded the area and stars burst behind his eyes, leaving odd black spots in his vision.

There was a mad rush as a person controlled the body Andonis was lurking in, and threw on clothes. The heir watched lackadaisically, resident inexplicably in a corner of the man's mind. The body of the man strapped on it’s boots and the belt from which hung a sword. Chain mail and gauntlets flew on, and then the body was out the door, running down corridors. Colours bled into each other, mingling into a kaleidoscope of patterns and swirls.

Men, women and children were everywhere. Soldiers were battling to keep order. There was smoke, and Andonis smelt it second hand through the body. The prince began to recognize the surrounding area as the courtroom before the royal section of the chamber. The walls started to melt and warp, dripping onto the floor forming luminescent pools.

Snippets of conversation wound their way to Andonis' ears in a tirade of whispers that soon grew to shouts, "Invasion of the Cruciots...", "All the sentries dead by arrow wounds - ", "no army, no, I don't know how many, but it can't be an army", "... can't find them", " - don't know where they are", "the King! They're after the King!" The prince writhed with helplessness within the black space of the man's mind, pinching himself to wake up from this awful dream.

The man Andonis was riding in continued running, nearly doubling his pace as if the Dark Ones were chasing him. Soon he reached the royal chamber. The king’s royal chamber guards were sprawled around the sitting room, all in various states of death. There was blood all over the carpeted floor, splatters on the white walls and mahogany furniture. It was clear that someone had dispatched the guards quickly before continuing to their real goal. Beyond the sitting room was a set of closed double-doors. The king's royal bedchamber. Andonis' vision swam with tears, he did not want to know what scene lay in that room.

Suddenly free from the heavy blackness that silenced his emotions, Andonis fell out of the man's body who belonged to John Bane and became a solid image that cast no shadow on the wet carpet. The prince shook his head sporadically as tears ran down his face and screamed with no voice that echoed through the veils of time and space, "Father! No!"

The General Bane's eyes widened as he heard the young warrior through some sort of subconscious wavelength. He turned and walked up to Andonis. Instinctively his arm shot out and struggled to get a hold of the boy's insubstantial shoulder. Gripping the slippery ethereal being tightly, Bane tugs the prince back from the door and pressing him harshly against the stone wall spoke though he did not open his mouth, "Leave, Andonis. Leave now!"

The prince babbled inconsistencies, shimmering in and out of reality, denial quavering his voice, "I can't leave him. He might die, he might die!"

General Bane's eyes went soft for a moment, all his life's hardness disappearing as he laid a hand on the shoulder of the new monarch of Azuryl and met Andonis's eyes, "You're not really here, my King." And Andonis felt a jerk at his navel and he was tugged backwards into suffocating blackness.

- - - - - - - - - -

Edited with PinkShears suggestions (11/09), and Actawesome suggestions (12/09) and my own improvements (11/09, 12/09).

Hi Jai!
Pink here

Nitpicks

A ding. . . ding. . . ding . . became DING-DING-DING,

I think you should have described the ding becoming louder instead of just capitalizing the word 'Ding'.

There was a mad rush as a person controlled the body and threw on clothes, while Andonis watched lackadaisically, resident inexplicably in their head. The body strapped on it’s boots and the belt from which hung a sword. Chain mail and gauntlets flew on, and then the body was out the door, running down corridors.

Now, the way this part was written was a bit confusing and I had to read it over twice to understand exactly what was going on. So, I think he's inside his head while someone else is controlling his body? True or false? Or maybe it's him controlling someone's body? If so, I think this could have been explained a little better. Perhaps a setting? Some thoughts as to what is occurring at this moment?

Andonis shook his head sporadically as tears ran down his face, "FATHER! No!"

Try not to use all caps in your writing.

Overall, I think this is quite interesting. Especially the last line when he said, 'You're not really there.' I'm beginning to suspect a few things...You did a good job building the first atmosphere with the dinging but when I read it I thought he was in the hospital or something but then you described him putting on armor and all and I suddenly wondered what that dinging was, it wasn't a heart monitor for sure. I do wish you clarified that little bit. Although I didn't spot any big grammatical errors or such I did take notice that you lacked in description in some ares. I felt like it was a bit rushed and there were parts where I wished you added or expanded the scene with more words and feelings but it was fast paced. Maybe it was just the character and how he perceived the setting, normally I wouldn't pay much attention to the detail if I were in that situation but I would definitely have strong emotions in the mist of war. Anyways, this was an interesting read and you've already driven in some mystery here so that's a plus!
Cheers,

~Shear

A ding. . . ding. . . ding . . became DING-DING-DING,

I think you should have described the ding becoming louder instead of just capitalizing the word 'Ding'.

I was trying to make it... I really don't know what I was trying to do here - show how the noise grated on Andonis' nerves, how the sound became a constant ringing within his mind. The dinging is the toll of an invasion. But Andonis knew that, so I didn't feel it necessary to write it, if you know what I mean But yes, I will try to change this.

There was a mad rush as a person controlled the body and threw on clothes, while Andonis watched lackadaisically, resident inexplicably in their head. The body strapped on it’s boots and the belt from which hung a sword. Chain mail and gauntlets flew on, and then the body was out the door, running down corridors.

Now, the way this part was written was a bit confusing and I had to read it over twice to understand exactly what was going on. So, I think he's inside his head while someone else is controlling his body? True or false? Or maybe it's him controlling someone's body? If so, I think this could have been explained a little better. Perhaps a setting? Some thoughts as to what is occurring at this moment?

Andonis is inside someone else's body. The whole dream is meant to be confusing and weird, but if it's so confusing that the reader has no idea of what's going on, I'm going to have to change it. There is deliberately no description because in a dream things are noticed without registering, but yes, again I see your point. Will elaborate.

Andonis shook his head sporadically as tears ran down his face, "FATHER! No!"

Try not to use all caps in your writing.

I tell this to people all the time It was a toss up between leaving it in caps, which is not really an accepted form of writing, or putting it in italics. I guess I'll convert to italics

I felt like it was a bit rushed and there were parts where I wished you added or expanded the scene with more words and feelings but it was fast paced. Maybe it was just the character and how he perceived the setting, normally I wouldn't pay much attention to the detail if I were in that situation but I would definitely have strong emotions in the mist of war.

lol yeah. It was meant to be really choppy and weird, but I didn't want it to appear too choppy and weird. I guess it's also really hard for a reader to read this when they haven't read all the back story to it. But thanks a whole bunch for picking up on a few things that I'm going to change riiiiiiiight now.

Thanks Shear, for the review!

Hello there Seemingly, this is Actawesome at your reviewing pleasure. Let's begin!

First impression: I like the feel of the story. The dark atmosphere you're attempting to create works well in the context of what's happening. I think it's already a mighty bit weird, so I honestly don't think you need to work on that. As a writer you should not try to explicitly scare your readers off by making it too weird.

Anyway, on to individual paragraphs:

It was dark. The only type of dark that was achieved by staring at the insides of your eyelids. It was like this for a while, this state of being unconscious and aware, but knowing that this condition wasn’t right. Slowly a noise becomes sharper. A ding. . . ding. . . ding . . became louder and louder until the noise reverberated within the prince's ears and sent spikes of pain through the mindlink. A sudden light flooded the area and stars burst behind his eyes, leaving odd black spots in his vision.

The first two sentences really do capture the mood nicely. I like the way you start a lot. The thing that irks me slightly is the "ding" sound that you write. Perhaps try and change that up a bit to seem more in context of the rest.

There was a mad rush as a person controlled the body Andonis was lurking in, and threw on clothes. The heir watched lackadaisically, resident inexplicably in a corner of the man's mind. The body of the man strapped on it’s boots and the belt from which hung a sword. Chain mail and gauntlets flew on, and then the body was out the door, running down corridors. Colours bled into each other, mingling into a kaleidoscope of patterns and swirls.

Here's where things get a little confusing. The first sentence I needed to think about and realize what happened. That should not happen in fiction. The end of the paragraph is a little furious and fast paced, and the last sentence is there to provide....imagery?

Men, women and children were everywhere. Soldiers were battling to keep order. There was smoke, and Andonis smelt it second hand through the body. The prince began to recognize the surrounding area as the courtroom before the royal section of the chamber. The walls started to melt and warp, dripping onto the floor forming luminescent pools.

Things get a little clearer here. The first sentence shows where this Andonis character is. The third sentence is moving quickly, already the walls around him are beginning to dissipate.

The man Andonis was riding in continued running, soon reaching the royal chamber. The king’s royal chamber guards were sprawled around the sitting room, all in various states of death. There was blood all over the floor, splatters on the walls and furniture and it was clear that someone had dispatched them quickly before continuing to their real goal.

The very last sentence of this is a run on. Besides that, no immediate problems.

Suddenly free from the heavy blackness that silenced his emotions, Andonis fell out of the man's body who belonged to John Bane and became a solid image that cast no shadow on the wet carpet. The prince shook his head sporadically as tears ran down his face and screamed with no voice that echoed through the veils of time and space, "Father! No!"

Introducing, or perhaps, planting the seed, of another character. That's all fine and good, but within a paragraph we have this random character shouting at another character. My only advice for this, and the rest of the piece is to slow down a little. Allow your characters to breath in and breath out, even if it is a very furious and fast paced dream.

General Bane's eyes went soft for a moment, all his life's hardness disappearing as he laid a hand on the shoulder of the new monarch of Azuryl and met Andonis's eyes, "You're not really here, my King." And Andonis felt a jerk at his navel and he was tugged backwards into suffocating blackness.

The best parts of this excerpt in my opinion were the beginning and the end. You have a good way of leaving off climatically as the sentence leaves an aftertaste on the readers tongue. You also do a good job of setting a mood and flowing along with it. Good job, I enjoyed reading your piece, and look forward to more.

Hey Awesome Welcome back to YWS

First impression: I like the feel of the story. The dark atmosphere you're attempting to create works well in the context of what's happening. I think it's already a mighty bit weird, so I honestly don't think you need to work on that. As a writer you should not try to explicitly scare your readers off by making it too weird.

lol, this is a dream sequence that happens around chapter two of the novel I'm co-writing with my sister - I just wanted it to have some polishing before I put it anywhere. What I'm trying to say is that if the reader didn't like my writing beforehand, he/she wouldn't get up to this part in the first place. But I don't believe that one dream should scare off readers Especially as it reveals that the king has just been assassinated

The first two sentences really do capture the mood nicely. I like the way you start a lot. The thing that irks me slightly is the "ding" sound that you write. Perhaps try and change that up a bit to seem more in context of the rest.

Can I ask you a question? (Besides the one I just asked ) When you dream, do you hear noises? Or is the world silent and the noises come to you in words, like subtitles? Basically Andonis (the prince) is having a dream, but it is realistic/prophetic. Everything happens as if he is really there - and yet it is obvious he is not, because all the surroundings start to distort, trying to eject him out of a place he shouldn't be in.

There was a mad rush as a person controlled the body Andonis was lurking in, and threw on clothes. The heir watched lackadaisically, resident inexplicably in a corner of the man's mind. The body of the man strapped on it’s boots and the belt from which hung a sword. Chain mail and gauntlets flew on, and then the body was out the door, running down corridors. Colours bled into each other, mingling into a kaleidoscope of patterns and swirls.

Here's where things get a little confusing. The first sentence I needed to think about and realize what happened. That should not happen in fiction. The end of the paragraph is a little furious and fast paced, and the last sentence is there to provide....imagery?

Can you provide an example of how I could make this better first sentence better? I don't want to give away straight away that Andonis is not really there. And I don't want to explain who the man that Andonis is seeing the world through is General Bane. The last sentence is the way it happened. General Bane was in a rush, lol. He didn't go take a stroll out in the gardens before he put on his gauntlets - this is a man of war. He has a +2 to Haste when someone is in danger And yes. I had hoped that the imagery was decent. What's wrong with this sentence?

The very last sentence of this is a run on. Besides that, no immediate problems.

Fixed.

Introducing, or perhaps, planting the seed, of another character. That's all fine and good, but within a paragraph we have this random character shouting at another character. My only advice for this, and the rest of the piece is to slow down a little. Allow your characters to breath in and breath out, even if it is a very furious and fast paced dream.

lol, did you read the spoiler? But anyway, I think at the start of this dream I'll have a cast of characters, even though that will ruin the whole "surprise" of the dream. I guess I shouldn't have expected people to connect titles with the characters. I think I'll get General Bane to ask some men what is happening, and that should provide some sort of answers earlier on too. The dream isn't meant to be paced, it is meant to be horrible and too fast to change anything that has already happened - Andonis is too late to save his father, the king.

The best parts of this excerpt in my opinion were the beginning and the end. You have a good way of leaving off climatically as the sentence leaves an aftertaste on the readers tongue. You also do a good job of setting a mood and flowing along with it. Good job, I enjoyed reading your piece, and look forward to more.

Thanks I'm currently editing the middle bits now to make them as remarkable as the end. I'm glad you reviewed me - it gave me the motivation to edit this further.

- Jai