Pain

I'd appreciate some nice comments on this I worked really really hard revising this
I hate this pain
My tears fall like rain
I scream in the night
No one hears me fight
I can not give in
Pain will not win
I cant fight much longer
no one hears me
Scream
No one cares to stop and help
I am trapped in this hell
Forever
And ever
Trapped in a little black box
Alone
All alone
I plead
I bleed
I hope that you will help
I reach for you
All of you
You slap my hands aside
Scream at me
Tell me I'm useless
You will never be good as us
I am broken on the inside
But I will pick myself up for the fight

Your pacing is good and consistent - the reader doesn't have to pause awkwardly anywhere. The rhyme scheme is simple, but it works well. =]

However... not to be mean, but this is quite generic; I immediately think of the cliched high school emo poet, for better or worse. Still, if you were to rewrite it sarcastically and/or ironically, or maybe add more to it that does that, it would have great(er) potential. Definitely add more imagery and maybe slow the poem down - I felt rushed reading it, as if it were a rant. To that end, add some punctuation. This can work as a ranting poem, but it would be difficult.

Good effort, and keep writing!

Hello there!

Here to review.


Just one thing I've noticed:

I can't fight much longer

Anyways, as to the poem itself, this is really good. The emotions dripping out here are very compelling and expressive to the point that it is well-balanced. The structure or even the flow is quite personal, in a good way. Why? Even though some words are repeated, the voice is here is somewhat strong and it stands out very well. However, this piece confused me little bit. What really is the conflict that makes your character so disappointed and to get emotional? Are you talking about love or betrayal? So you might just want to clarify that one out. I won't say this is unique, since I have seen a lot of emotional poems like this, but hey, this is really interesting and has potential. You've grabbed my attention very well. Lastly, I thank you for the good read. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Ladyofthedeathroses wrote:I hate this pain
My tears fall like rain
I scream in the night
No one hears me fight
I can not give in
Pain will not win
I can't fight much longer You repeat fight twice I suggest replacing one of the words.
~~~
You will never be good as us I think you should add quotes around this because the people are speaking, but everyone has different ideas about punctuation in a poem.
I am broken on the inside
But I will pick myself up for the fight

I really liked this. There is not much I can say. I can tell you really worked hard on this. They rhythm is great. The concept is kind of cliche, but I don't really think so. Yes, everyone might think of emo people, but there are really people who feel this way that aren't wearing black all the time. It almost seemed like someone is thinking about suicide, but they decide to fight instead.

Hope I helped a little,

A. S.

Wow, I'm speechless. <likes>

I figure that Pain is one of the things everyone has... The poem is very flowing and never pauses (I like that) the emotional appeal to me is harsh and dark, but It is a great piece so don't give up!

Beautiful poem you are an amazing writer. The length was perfect. I liked how the lines were shorter at the beginning. I think that you are great keep writing.