When everyone forgot, he remembered.

A stranger walks alone,
Holding every answer,
A girl cries alone,
Regret sniggering by her side.
The stranger holds her heart,
and rips it carefully to shreds.
While the girl screams and cries,
her voice only an echo.
'How could I believe it all?
It was love, it was real'
'My dear, you are nothing.
This is the end, and I have won.'

II
A girl is empty,
A girl is broken,
A girl is a million pieces,
Yet one great empty void.
A girl is darkness,
A girl is imprisoned,
A girl awaits just one face.

III
'You know I've loved you all along',
whispers the man in the vision.
'My mercy is something humans cannot grasp.
But I can take your past as far from you as
the East is from the West.'

IV
And upon these words,
A girl is flung into the sky.
As darkness explodes from within her chest,
Her heart is healed.
And the man in the vision takes her hand.
'I am the way, the truth and the light.
The gateway to heaven is narrow,
and only few will enter, and nobody but through me.'

V
Heaven waits for you.

Whoa, Anna! You have quite the username, don't you?

Regret sniggering by her side.

"Sniggering" means "laughing quietly", which I don't think is what you mean here.

A girl is empty,
A girl is broken,
A girl is a million pieces,
Yet one great empty void.
A girl is darkness,
A girl is imprisoned,
A girl awaits just one face.

Hmm...this basically says, "She is sad" is seven repetitive lines. It would be different if the sadness was shown in some unique, interesting way, but these are just adjectives, and clichéd ones at that. Millions of heartbreak poems have used "empty", "a million pieces", and "great empty void". Rise above that and contribute something new!

Overall

So, I actually didn't like this very much. Firstly, because it's unoriginal. It begins as a poem about heartbreak, using lines that we've all seen before-- "rips her heart to shreds", "her voice only an echo", "you are nothing", etc. I can appreciate that you tried very hard to establish this melancholy and hopeless atmosphere, which is good effort, but it comes across as angsty. Poetry is supposed to have imagery, which means phrases that conjure images and emotions, sentences that paint pictures with words, or statements that make readers think or imagine. You need to work on that. If you're determined to write about betrayal/heartbreak, find a metaphor to compare it with to make it more interesting. Use details that make the poem personal, instead of the generic "She's really sad" lines we find here.

My second reason for being unable to enjoy this is that there's an odd, very abrupt shift in the middle, where it turns from darkness and woe to religion and God in the blink of an eye. This is God, maybe Jesus, speaking to her from the heavens! He's taking her into his heart, loving her, forgiving her! That's so powerful, so profound, that it needs powerful and profound language, which you pretty much lack. Everything the God figure says here is pretty vague. He's a one-dimensional figure of complete love. Which, in itself, is awesome! But in poetry, things can't be one-dimensional.

The major problem here is that there's nothing under the surface of your words, therefore leaving us nothing to walk away with. Say things in a new way. Put things in a different perspective. Make unusual comparisons or pair unusual words together to give them a whole new meaning. And finally, make your language pretty! Poetry should be pretty.

After you read this critique, the best advice I can give you is to read good poetry. Look up famous poets, see how they make the English language new again. If you want to stick to YWS, find poetry by Kylan, Navita, Kamas, Helpful McHelpfulpants or Jagged to get you started, and observe.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

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I really like this poem It's deep, and I like the shift in the middle. The beginning takes on a different meaning after the shift.
The words may be common-place, but it really fits in with the ending. A little unorigional, as others say, but totally meaningful paired with the ending.
I love your poems a lot! Keep writing or I'll be sad