A Shot of Arrogance (Chapter Eight ~ Part Two)

A Shot of Arrogance ~ Chapter Eight ~ Part Two

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It took him a while to notice that I was actually there. He seemed to be too interested in the bowl that he was scurrying through with his hands.
“What is with you and mints?” I asked, finally making Oliver look up.
“Whoa! Frickin’ hell, Tori. You sure as hell know how to scare a guy.” He replied. “These ones are mingin’ though,” he shrugged. “Yours are way nicer.”
I couldn’t help but let out a quiet laugh. It was the first time ever I’d actually been happy to hear his voice. Pulling a clearly unimpressed face, Oliver placed the bowl rather carelessly back onto the desk beside him.
Unlike the corridors outside, the hospital room wasn’t so plain. The walls were still plain, but they were decorated with some colourful paintings. I could easily tell that in the daytime, the room was brightened up beautifully thanks to the large window on the wall opposite me.
Oliver quickly sat up in his bed as I headed towards one of the cushioned chairs that was placed beside it. Oliver winced in pain as he sat up, clearly forgetting that he'd just been pierced through the stomach. Sitting down on the chair, I let out a heavy sigh. I’d only been on my feet for five minutes, but I felt completely worn out. It had been a long night.
“I’m really sorry,” Oliver’s voice caught me off guard.
“What do you mean?” I asked, looking at him carefully.
“For being a complete knob and letting you get attacked by some ginger freak,” he muttered.
I stared at Oliver then, not quite sure what to say. If anyone should have been apologising, it was me. I was seriously beginning to question why I didn’t like spending so much time with him. It was clear that he wasn’t a selfish person. In fact, he was far from it.
“You’re not a knob. Well, not all of the time,” I smiled lightly. “I shouldn’t have acted so... stupid. I should have just listened to you and left when you told me to.”
Oliver gawked at me, wide eyed. I couldn’t help but notice a small grin grow on his rather bruised face. I narrowed my eyes at him, kind of concerned about why exactly he was doing so.
“Wow, have you banged your ‘ead or something?” he asked, chuckling. “I was expectin’ you to have a full on rant at me.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong, not really. I may be a bit... selfish at times, I guess, but I’m not thick. I know what decent people are like. Not that I like you or anything,” I muttered, glancing away from him for a moment. “but I don’t hate you. Plus, I kind of owe you. You did almost get yourself killed because of me... God, you must hate me...”
Once again, Oliver stared at me weirdly. I couldn’t blame him; I myself was surprised at the words that came out of my mouth. Finally managing to get a somewhat normal expression back onto his face, Oliver opened his mouth again.
“Oh yeah, you bet I do. I hate you so much, I actually loaf you.” he nodded.
I gazed at him for a few seconds. It took me a while to realise what Oliver actually meant. When I did, I couldn’t help but start laughing to myself.
“Um, I think you mean loathe...” I said.
“Pfft, same thing.” Oliver replied.
I noticed his already red cheeks reddening even more as I corrected him. It was so strange; I felt so relaxed. I was having the same feeling as when I was in Oliver’s arms again. I felt safe; it was a feeling that I realised I hadn’t felt in a long time. Nowadays, I was constantly afraid of things, stupid things. Getting married was the main one.
Maybe I didn’t feel like getting married was perfect for me right now, and I didn’t feel comfortable or safe thinking about having to do it? I guessed I was scared. As I thought about marriage, a million other thoughts raced through my head. Was Richard really ‘the one’? I hardly knew him. To be honest, I didn’t want to think about Richard right now. He didn’t make me feel safe. As strange as it sounded, I felt so different right now compared to a measly few hours ago.
I shoved the thought out of my head, feeling silly for getting so bothered. I didn’t know why, but it was as if I was questioning my entire life in one night.
“Why didn’t you want me to go into your flat?” I turned my attention back to Oliver.
He simply glanced at me before locking his eyes onto his hands as he began fingering the thin, white sheet. A minute must have passed before he looked back up at me.
“No reason really,” he mumbled. “I guess I just... I don’t know. I didn’t want my brother’s or sister’s getting hurt, I suppose.”
“Those idiots wouldn’t have gone into your flat, surely? Besides, you could have just locked the door. It would have made a lot more sense.”
Oliver looked back at his hands and chuckled slightly under his breath. I subtly turned my head to the side in confusion. I was getting a bit annoyed now at Oliver’s little secrets.
“It wasn’t them I was worried about,” Oliver looked back up at me. “I was more afraid of you hurting them,”
I was utterly confused now at what on earth he was talking about. So, he wasn’t worried about a load of youths with knives going into a flat with his siblings, but me going in? He thought that was dangerous?
“I don’t mean literally hurting them, like, physically. I mean, as in, like...” he rubbed his neck and began biting his lip as he hastily tried to think of what to say. “Look, Tori, it’s just that you ask so many questions and... well, you would’ve asked a lot.”
I was past annoyed by now. Part of me felt guilty for feeling that way. I mean, in the end, it was Oliver’s business and it didn’t really have anything to do with me, but felt as though it had everything to do with me right now. I had so many unanswered questions for him.
I really needed Oliver to be straight with me for the first time since I’d known him. I locked eyes with him and spoke slowly, hoping that it would actually make him be honest with me.
“Oliver, can you please just tell me what the hell the deal is with you?”
I was expecting him to turn away from me and start playing with his hands again, but he didn’t. Instead, he sighed heavily and smiled weakly.
“I'll tell you what,” he began, “if you start calling me Ollie, not Oliver, I’ll tell you everything you want to know because Oliver sounds like something a cat would throw up.”
My natural response was to start laughing, thanking God that the room hadn’t been overshadowed by an uncomfortable awkwardness.
“Fine, but don’t expect me to be happy about it though,” I sighed. “Okay, first question,” I was quickly interrupted.
“Bloomin’ hell, don’t hesitate or anything!” I heard a hint of anxiety as Oliver joked.
I replied by smiling sarcastically at him as I crossed my legs. I had about a hundred questions to ask him. Where was I supposed to begin?
“As I was saying,” I tried again, “what on earth did you think I’d do to your brothers and sisters? Eat them?”
“Um... well, the doctors couldn’t get hold of my mum, right?” Oliver said as I nodded, “They couldn’t get hold of her because she left her phone in the flat and... and I have no clue where the hell she is. I haven’t known for the past two weeks. That's basically it." He paused for a few seconds. "Look, I can cope with people gettin’ angry at me, laughing at me, calling me thick, getting annoyed with me and practically everything else. The one thing that I can’t stand is sympathy. It’s as simple as that," he shrugged.
It took me a while to realise what Oliver was saying. I was absolutely baffled at the fact that Oliver’s mother had just, well, disappeared. Surely, social services would have done something? I knew that Oliver was eighteen and everything, so he was technically old enough to look after his siblings, but it still seemed so bizarre.
I still didn’t understand how I could have hurt them though. Admittedly, I would have felt sorry for Oliver if I’d known, and I can kind of understand that he must have some kind of pride issue or something. It still didn’t make sense why he thought I’d hurt them.
“Yeah, but how would I have hurt them by knowing that?”
“Well, as far as they’re aware, my mum’s on holiday for a few weeks. Knowing you, you would have realised that wasn’t the case and started havin’ a go at me right in front of them, making it blatantly obvious that my mum wasn’t, in fact, on holidays.” I heard a bitterness in Oliver's laugh.
I was about to argue when I hesitated for a moment. As much as I hated to admit it, he was probably right. I probably would have acted a bit too impulsive. It did seem over the top that he’d risk getting himself killed just so his siblings didn’t get upset, but that was Oliver for you.
“Are you telling me the complete truth?” I asked warily.
I knew that it was very likely he was being honest, but it was as if it didn’t process with me. Oliver was only a year older than me; how on earth was he supposed to look after six kids? The thought of ever having to do it myself was extremely daunting.
“Why else do you think I got so sensitive about you forcing me to go to Reading? It wasn’t because I wanted to go out and get wasted or whatever you thought. I had no idea where the kids were supposed to go.” Oliver started laughing again, “Remember that guy called Jeff I told you about? The one with loads of cats? He ended up having to look after them. Apparently, they take a lot more care than his cats...”
The first day I met Oliver seemed like a century ago now. Although, I certainly remembered the story he told me about Jeff and his twenty something cats.
No wonder Oliver was constantly turning up for work late. How did he get all of his brothers and sisters to school in time? What about the youngest child, the one that was sick on him? Surely, she must have been two years old at the very most. Who looked after her when Oliver was in work?
To make things even more frustrating, another thought jumped into my mind. What about a few months ago when Oliver had passed out? In fact, it was the day I met Richard. I still had no explanation for that whatsoever.
It seemed as though by getting an answer to one of my questions, I gained another twenty questions that I wanted to ask. Why did Oliver pass out a few months ago? What about his mum? Why on earth did she leave? Who took care of his siblings when he was out? I supposed that Jeff guy might have looked after them when Oliver was in work, maybe?
“Um, okay,” I nodded my head slowly, hoping to clear some thing's up “why did your mum leave? Well, do you know why she did? No offence, but that’s hardly a respectful thing to do as a mother, is it?”
Oliver turned away from me like he’d done various times earlier on. Except this time, it was only for a short period and he didn’t bother fiddling with the bed sheets.
“I know it looks bad, but it’s not her fault. She’s done this kind of thing before. She always comes back eventually.” Oliver looked back up at me, “She’s... well, she’s got depression so she can’t really help it. She gets really stressed sometimes and it does her good to get away for a few weeks sometimes. Anyway, it’s not like I can’t handle the kids." I heard a slight strain in his voice, "Zoey, the oldest except for me, is almost twelve now so she kind of helps out as well. Plus, Ella comes round an awful lot.”
I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know anymore now. I felt bad enough as it was and Oliver telling me all of this made that old, horrible lump form back in the back of my throat. Come to think of it, that explained Ella not being around as much anymore. I obviously wasn’t the only one who needed her to look after me.
Once Oliver had finished speaking, the long awaited awkward silence fell upon us. I didn’t know what to say, and it was clear that Oliver was hoping that I wouldn’t ask any more questions. In reality, I didn’t want to ask any more questions.
“God, I feel high.” Oliver laughed, stretching his arms out above his head. “I think they’ve put me on crack instead of painkillers or whatever they give you in this place.”It may have been a pretty weird way to do so, but at least Oliver finally broke the silence. “You know, when I was a kid, I used to think that the kiddie ward in this place was epic. I still do. They have giraffes and stuff painted on the wall. I mean, come on, what more do you want?”
I rolled my eyes at him, smiling softly. It was actually feeling odd to me that I’d previously complained about Oliver for a hundred and one different reasons. Sure, some of the things he said sometimes were completely pointless and weird, but they certainly did amuse me.
As Oliver shut his eyes and sighed heavily, I gazed at him. I’d never really looked at him before, not properly. At the moment, his face was quite badly bruised, so I couldn’t really notice much about him anyway. The longer I kept my eyes on him though, the more recognisable his face seemed to become. It was almost as if he reminded me of someone. It must have just been me. Maybe Oliver's face wasn't recognisable, maybe it was simply comforting. Right now, Oliver made me feel nothing but comfortable.
Turning away from him, I smiled lightly. Of course he didn't look like anyone else I knew. I was pretty darn tired and I could hardly think straight anyway.
“So, how long are you going to have to stay in this place?” I asked as Oliver opened his eyes again. “I’m assuming that you’ll be here until at le-”
“Victoria!” The sharpness of a rough voice caused me to turn my head to the doorway.
Standing there, his teeth gritted and his eyebrows lowered, was my father.
“What on earth were you thinking?” He shouted as the door closed shut behind him. “I don’t even know what to say! What in God’s name is wrong with you, child? Do you have any idea what could have happened to you in that place? Worse still, do you realise what you might have done to the family’s reputation. Do you want to make a fool out of yourself?”
That was when it felt like I was drowning. My dad’s face was bright red with anger and I could almost see his body shaking. I felt myself tearing up. Did he really care more about his stupid reputation than me? Didn’t he have any idea what had happened to me within the past few hours?
I simply gaped at him, trying to force some words to come out of my mouth. It was impossible though. My entire body felt as though it was slowly sinking. I’d gone from feeling the most comfortable I’d felt for as long as I could remember, to utterly terrified in seconds.
My dad continued shouting at me as he paced around the room, both his face and his voice bitter. I was desperately trying to think of something to say now, but what was I supposed to say? It turned out I didn’t have to say anything. Someone else did that for me.
“Shut the fuck up! Do you have any idea what she’s just been through?” Oliver shouted, his eyes narrowed into two thin almonds. “What is wrong with you kind of people? Do you seriously think that living up to some pathetic standard is more important than everything else?”
What happened next surprised me. Every single time before this, my father had looked at Oliver and asked me who he was, even though he’d met him several times by now. Except it was different this time.
My dad basically stared at Oliver as though he hated him. Really hated him. It didn’t even seem as though he was looking at Oliver like that because of what he’d just said. It was almost as if it was for a reason only my dad was aware of, leaving Oliver and I completely oblivious.
“I don’t know what to do with you,” my dad’s voice had turned into a frustrated mumble.
Without saying another word, my father stomped towards the door and pulled it open. He glanced at Oliver one last time before leaving the room, slamming the door shut.
I must have been sitting there in complete silence for minutes before I could feel myself breathing again. It was as though time had stopped for a few measly minutes, trying to give me a chance to take everything in.
“He hates me...” I finally managed to mutter.
I slowly turned my head to face Oliver. In response, Oliver sat up in his bed as much as he could and started shaking his head.
“Tori, he don’t hate you. He’s just... angry. What he said to you was way out of order, but you know he didn’t mean it.” he sighed heavily. “Just go and speak to him.”
Speak to him? Right now, that was the last thing I wanted to do. All that I wanted to do was go to bed and dream that today hadn’t happened.
“Look, he probably hasn’t been told everything. Explain to him what happened. Please, Tori. You can’t let him speak to you like that. He’s even worse than that prick of a boyfriend you’ve got.”
Giving Oliver a dirty look, I remembered why he annoyed me so much. What did Richard have to do with any of this? I rubbed my forehead and reminded myself not to get angry.
“I’ll...” I bit my lip. “I’ll be back now, Oliver.” He gave me a strange look and gently shook his head. Rolling my eyes, I gained a weak smile. “Ollie then. Whatever.”
Oliver smirked slightly as he lifted his hands behind his head and rested it on them, shutting his eyes again. He muttered what sounded like good girl as I stood up and nervously headed for the door.
Jogging quickly down the corridor, I aimlessly searched for any sign of my father. On the outside, I appeared to be perfectly confident, but on the inside, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I was about to turn a corner when I heard a familiar voice, stopping me in my tracks.
“Just hear me out!” Ella’s voice sounded strained.
“Ella, I’m really not in the mood for this right now!” My dad hissed back.
Popping my head around the corner, I saw Ella sitting on a plastic chair, my father standing in front of her, running his hand through his dyed blonde hair. As they continued speaking, I made sure I was only breathing through my nose. I needed to hear what they were saying.
“You don’t even care about your own child, do you?” For the first time since I’d known her, which was many, many years, there was a hint of aggression in Ella's voice.
I swallowed hard, waiting for my father’s response. It pained me to think that I was expecting him to agree with Ella, telling her how much problems I’d caused for him. My dad opened his mouth as I shut my eyes.
“In case you didn’t notice, Victoria means the world to me! I just want someone to explain to me what on earth is going on!”
That was when my breath came back and my heart started beating again. He may have said them angrily, but those words made me believe that my dad did, in fact, actually care about me. I opened my eyes and sighed in great relief.
Ella shook her head as an irritated frown appeared on her small face.“You and I both know that it’s not-”
“Victoria!”
Missing the end of what Ella said, I spun around to see my mother, her face as pale as a fragile, white rose. I wasn’t sure why, and I didn’t know how long I did it for, but that was when I broke down. I fell into my mother’s arms, my entire body shaking with uncertainty, happiness, anxiousness, and practically every other emotion possible.

Hey Skins,

Well, first of all I'd like to say:

THANK YOU!
For posting it, I needed to at least make sure he didn't, like, die!

Anyway, back to the critique, I'm gonna give it my best shot!

I’d always hated hospitals. The bland colours, the hushed voices, the hard, plastic waiting room chairs and the people with blank faces. What I hated the most was the smell. It made my stomach turn. It was like a mix of bleach and disinfectant. As the smell wafted into my nostrils, I let any air that I needed enter through my mouth, but not even that could block out the heinous smell around me

No this is something you probably can't take out, I wouldn't reccomend it. But I will warn you about one thing here, everyone hates hospitals in stories! I mean, not that I haven't made a few characters who hate hospitals, but it seems like everyone does! And I'm just saying this because most people will bring it up, saying what I just said. And now I'm just babbling on about something that I don't even agree with in the most confusing way possible =]

His eyes simply remained shut as the air around me was so cold, it felt as though it was burning my skin.

This word makes the sentance sound weird, I think. That's just how it came off to me.

I had no idea why, but I swore they were trying to get me to tell them that it was all Oliver’s fault. They knew who I was: Victoria Kingston, daughter of one of the richest men in England. Whether that had anything to do with it, I didn’t know. It really got on my nerves though. If it wasn’t for Oliver, I’d be in a much worse state right now.

This paragraph is weird and nothing really adds up. I apologize if you're going to explain this in a later part, because I know how infuriating it can be for people to ask for more information when you're not ready to give it (!). But if not, I just don't get it! Maybe I'm just a dumbo, but if you're gonna explain that later, then that's fine. That and why Ollie passed out in, like, chapter four or something. Cause that's also strange.

Shutting my eyes, I felt my eyes watering up.

Ahh! Pet Peeve! Pet Peeve! I would get rid of "my eyes" and put in "them".


And I don't have enough time to finish the rest, sorry. But I can say that I'm addicted to this, and I love the way you ended this part. Cliffhanger!

Keep writing and I'll kepp reading.

And always remember one thing

Who loves ya? (All of the A Shot of Arrogance readers!)

-iheartbooks♥

Skinsy! Another brilliant chapter, I must say. Very nice.

So, I'm glad that Oliver didn't die. He has some good important-character-potential. You style of writing is unfailingly real and funny.

I'll admit this probably wasn't your most...exciting chapter, but everyone needs some plain chapters to balance those out. It was more of an explaining chapter. Which is good. Just keep in mind my general rule: don't have more than three long, low to no action chapters in a row. Your reader will get bored. This one wasn't boring, but if you have two more long chapters with no action or spice at all in them, you reader will start to get bored and start skimming until they find something entertaining.

Maybe that's just me. I don't know. Great job on this one.

Sorry this wan't a great review, I'm writing this in between homework assignments. Gah. School.

Keep on writing! Please tell me the moment you post more.

-Dreamy

Hey Skins! Shubhi here to review for you, leaving her precious sleeping time. But anything for this sweetheart.

The bland colours, the hushed voices, the hard, plastic waiting room chairs and the people with blank faces.

Although nothing's wrong with this word here, but when you've been doing a great job at explaining the descriptions and the situation in this whole sentence, I hope that you can bring in more description here.

As I was sitting on the cold balcony floor, I continued shaking Oliver, begging for him to wake up.

Surely this all is a flashback which is being told rather than showed. No problem with that. But my agenda is that this coloured part makes it look like this all is happening in the present time, because it is past continuous form of the verb.
So you should write: As I had been sitting...

When a tall, dark haired man dressed in a shirt and tie walked past, Ella stopped him before turning back to me.

When you're using two adjectives simultaneously, then you put a comma as the rule says, so you should have the comma.

Now I am annoyed at you-you make me feel so helpless because I just don't get to prick much on your writing. It's like you have been planning this story from always, and the way you write this makes me feel that it's a published novel I have bought and is reading. It's that good. It;s so good that you came up with this page's next chapter, and it would be great to have the novel's main page wherein we can interact with you. Just one thing, I would like to say that you haven't posted in a plot or summary for the main page of the novel itself-when we click on View Novel. So, it would draw in more readers if you probably get it down. I know I would have liked to have some info had I been going to start reading this from the beginning. Also, don't you agree with me that it gives a more neat look? Huh?

As for the story I liked where you ended it, and you better write down the next chapter before I stab you. So, I liked how in the end you showed the comic thing of him having his hands still on the white mint. He is a mint-addict is all I can say. This chapter for me was much better than some of the other chapters you've been posting. I specially liked the place where you started from-the hospital. You know what? I totally love the way from where the reader starts the next chapter. I am extremely grateful to you for not going on with step by step on how and what she did from where you had last left this chapter. The telling thing once worked for me and I think it can be used sometimes. Not always, though. I am still curious to know what exactly relationship does Ella share with Oliver, and every time I read this novel I can't stop questioning myself-what's with Ollie's lies and the herd of siblings he has. But I guess I have to wait.

Now as for a writer, I don't know how many times I have said that you're awesome and a powerhouse of talent, so this time I would go on about it in a different way-every time I read your work I ask myself 'Shubhi, when would you re-write your novel?' So in other words, you inspire me to write.

So make more mistakes, so I can correct you. Just kidding, write the awesome way you write in.

Until next time,
~Shubhi

Well, I'm actually here! =D
Colours, are of course, the same. Let's see if I can find anything special to point out...>.>

Skins wrote:

I’d always hated hospitals. The bland colours, the hushed voices, the hard, plastic waiting room chairs and the people with blank faces. What I hated the most was the smell. It made my stomach turn. It was like a mix of bleach and disinfectant. As the smell wafted into my nostrils, I let any air that I needed enter through my mouth, but not even that could block out the heinous smell around me.

Woah! I'm doing this thing now! (Mostly because I doubt I'll find very many errors. I will use my old method again!)
Anyways...
The 'it's' were so...close together. It doesn't look right to me. Sort of like when two twins are sitting too close together at a party and you get very confused and everything about them just looks awkward in general. You know.

Skins wrote: I had no idea why, but I swore they were trying to get me to tell them that it was all Oliver’s fault. They knew who I was: Victoria Kingston, daughter of one of the richest men in England. Whether that had anything to do with it, I didn’t know. It really got on my nerves though. If it wasn’t for Oliver, I’d be in a much worse state right now.

The first sentence was my one true love. I don't really know why, but I loved it. Probably because it seems like she's going insane for a few seconds there or something, and that's an automatic 'awesome' in my books.
Except I didn't really like the second last sentence. Mostly because I didn't like the 'though'. It just seemed to make it sort of...lose effect. Or something. I don't know, it just didn't sit with me. xD

Skins wrote: As I sobbed, Ella gently rubbed my arm, hushing me quietly. It felt impossibly good to be held in her arms like I used to when I was a child. Recently, I hadn’t seen Ella as much as I’d liked to and I hadn’t realised how much she actually meant to me. She simply wasn’t working as often as she used to. Why that was, I didn’t know, but I didn’t like it either.

Awwe, this paragraph was adorable! I would highlight the whole thing in some sexy purple, but as you may know, I this thing against highlighting whole paragraphs. Or maybe you didn't know, I have no idea.

Skins wrote: Ella gave me a weak, obviously nervous smile as she stood up. The doctor Ella had stopped led her to the wall opposite me as the both of them stood outside one of the doors. As their lips began to move, I attempted to hear what they were saying. I could make out a few words, but nothing that gave much away.
I gave up on trying to hear what they were saying and turned my attention to Ella’s face.

This sounded a little repetitive to me. The same phrase so close was a tad awkward for me.

*****

Skins wrote: Ella laughed at my reaction as I wiped the warm tears from my cheeks. It was so strange. It seemed as though knowing that Oliver was okay made absolutely everything else perfect. I couldn’t believe that I was admitting it, but I actually cared about Oliver. He may have been the most annoying eighteen year old I’d ever met, but if he was willing to get himself stabbed for me, he couldn’t have been such a bad person.

Ahahaa...that was cute. I'm hoping that any guy who'd be willing to get himself stabbed for some chick who doesn't like him much is an alright guy. e.o You know, assuming he isn't evil and this isn't part of some grand scheme or anything, Oliver's pretty great!

Okay, so one more thing I wanted to say here:

I saw like... eight gagillion 'as's' (does attempt at making 'as' plural look as dumb to you as it does to me?) in this piece. So...many...
Sort of like me and my 'he' ODing in that one novel I was writing, only maybe not quite as severe. xD "I coughed AS...."
It happens a LOT. Just thought I'd warn you about that. And if somebody else did already, then meh. I didn't read the other reviews this time. xD (It's too early in the morning for that stuff)

So, other than that...and those few nitpicks I found, this was another wonderful chapter. Happy to see that Ollie's okay, because quite frankly, I think the kid's pretty cool. Man...whatever, same diff.

So, thank you for asking me for a review and being ever so patient!

Love you Rhino!

One of the Four Musketeers, Jai here.

I’d always hated hospitals. The bland colours, the hushed voices, the hard, plastic waiting room chairs and the people with blank faces. What I hated the most was the smell. It made my stomach turn. The smell was like a mix of bleach and disinfectant. The smell wafted into my nostrils and I let any air that I needed enter through my mouth, but not even that could block out the heinous smell around me.

The beginning started well until the repetition.

So, I noticed no other mistakes. Another very well written segment, and I'm also glad Oliver is okay, but I really doubted that he would have died. There really isn't much to say about this segment. I like how the story is progressing, but I really don't see where you're going with this tangent. Like, if these teenagers don't pop up in the story again, all they were were a plot device and that's sort of annoying

Sorry this wasn't very useful, but I'm counting on my last review to be the most in depth and helpful

- Jai, one of the Four Musketeers! All for one, and one for all! Yah!

And this is the last chapter you have requested we review!. So, a sombre end to my reviewing reign.

Overall:
This has the potential to be something awesome. Victoria does a little of a turn-coat. It can't be that sudden, it needs to be a little slower. Also, Oliver - I absolutely love him! As I always shall! He is my favourite character out of all your characters. Your writing improves as you go through these chapters and I love seeing your growth (or sudden spurt... ). Just remember to always run a spell-check.

By the way I edited this out, just in case I wasn't right.

Spoiler

WOW! That was a shocker! Actually... it really wasn't. As soon as mentioned that Victoria would find it weird to have him as her brother I knew instantly that he was her brother.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

Hey Skins. Sorry I made it here so late. But here I am at last.

Unlike the corridors outside, the hospital room wasn’t so bland.

Remember from the last chappy where you used the same 'bland' word for the people's faces in the hospital? You should really go in for variation here, use more sloppy words and honestly saying the description of the room could have been more nice considering your writing. Also, you say it was little less than bland as it had paintings, but won't the paintings make it more bright? I don't know, maybe it's my understanding mistake.

To be honest, I didn’t want to think about Richard right now. He didn’t make me feel safe.

The last time I read about him, wasn't she too much in love with him and all, how come she is so confused now?

I was past annoyed by now. Part of me felt guilty for getting so annoyed.

I don't really like the repetition here of the word 'annoy', so try getting rid of it. I know that in the next sentence you're talking about her annoyance only but there's definitely a chance of making it one sentence or moreover changing the word, or avoiding its use second time.

I knew that it was very likely he was being honest, but it was as if it didn’t process with me. Oliver was only a year older than me; how on earth was he supposed to look after six kids?

Didn't you start with Tori being sixteen in the start? Forgot it?

“Tori, he doesn’t hate you. He’s just... angry. What he said to you was way out of order, but you know he didn’t mean it.” he sighed heavily.

To be perfectly honest, no matter how stupid it sounded, all I wanted to do was go to bed and dream that today hadn’t happened.

I don't think it seems anywhere near stupid, but mostly impossible, so you could use that word. Not stupid. Anyone with senses would understand the pain she had endured this day, and would consider it normal to think.

I fell into my mother’s arms, my entire body shaking with uncertainty, happiness, anxiousness, and practically every other emotion possible.

This was the best emotion out here till now. I loved this line.

I exactly have a hint of what is going on, but I won't say it here. This chapter of course was a thrill and many secrets uncovered or maybe more sprung up for both Tori and us. I think this chapter is much more good as you've managed to make a less action filled chapter as interesting as others with some more action are. So, thumbs up for it.

So, I went back to the main page of the novel and saw that you've finally added a plot and synopsis to the story, and I think your work looks more organized now.

I am also glad that you've finally brought in Tori's mom because otherwise I thought and wondered sometimes even if she had a mum or not. Basically before coming to the end, I had one topic to discuss with you that her mother should be shown in the story more often and her character should no be sidelined. That's what I thought, but maybe you're going to bring her up again. I think you should tell us more about her mom in the forthcoming chapter so that this novel seems realistic. Well, your grammar has become almost perfect leaving apart some minor mistakes which are not a big issue right now. But there was a phrase-in work. Do you remember it? It should be 'at' with work because honestly speaking Work is not a machine which you could get into. :LOL:

Now coming on to the writing of this particular chapter, I believe that the most weird part of this was that you had repetitions. First you had repetition of 'in work' where you could have easily worked out other ways of saying the same thing, and the other common word was 'baffled'. The more strange thing was that the repetitions didn't have much gap. But that's not a horrific thing, so you can definitely take care of it while editing. Also, you seem a bit of confused with prepositions but then again it's not such a big issue. Your descriptions were well-maintained except for one which I pointed out.

Just now you've edited the chapters a bit, and have you increased Tori's age because you made Ollie eighteen and her an year younger than her? If so then do mention it or any other changed you have made in the Spoiler for the next chapters so that people don't get confused. I am too happy that somewhere here at YWS is not abandoning the project and trying to write it till the end and best of luck to you, Skins, for that.

I would try checking the next chapter by tomorrow.

Until then,
Bye.

Hey Skins! Pink here!

“These ones are mingin’ though,” he shrugged. “yours are way nicer.”

You're missing a capitalization here. 'Yours are way nicer."

“For being a complete knob and letting you get attacked by some ginger freak.” He muttered.

Comma.

“You haven’t done anything wrong, not really. I may be a bit... selfish at times, I guess, but I’m not thick.

Muahaha, at least she knows it.

“Pfft, same thing.” Oliver replied.

Comma also.
And oh my god, Oliver is such a dimwit, in a cute way ;3

I shoved the thought out of my head, feeling silly for getting so bothered. I didn’t know why, but it was as if I was questioning my entire life in one night.

I agree, it was one thing. Sure she feels thankful to Oliver but honestly, not much has happened between besides what happened last night. He saved her, she feels safe with him but I've noticed she repeated that so many times, it becomes a tad unbelievable. Well, just a little >.<

“Fine." I sighed, "don’t expect me to be happy about it though,” I said. “Okay, first question,” I was quickly interrupted.

I would rewrite this as:
"Fine," I sighed. "Don't expect me to be happy about it though," I said. "Okay, first question," I was quickly interrupted.

he paused for a few seconds.

Capital 'He'.

It’s as simple as that.” he shrugged.

Comma not period. If it's a period than he should be capitalized.

No, he did remind me of someone. Who that was, I didn’t have the foggiest.

Bumm ba dummmmm
Wha! This is interesting...long lost child? A friend? Oh my god, I'm scared...
Also, I think ending the sentence at foggiest was weird. If she's cutting off her though I suppose a dash would have been better...just a suggestion.

“Shut the fuck up! Do you have any idea what she’s just been through?” Oliver shouted, his eyes narrowed into two thin almonds.

Holy flipping penguins! Did he just drop the F-bomb on her father?!
Go, Oliver! Jyeah!

Overall, this was pretty insane chapter. Oliver's life was explained and it really made me question a lot of things as well. I don't have much to say about this chapter that no one else has already said. Mainly, you gave us a lot of info and you actually didn't that bad of a job making sure it all fit together. It wasn't too much of an info dump either so it's all good. I'm thinking the father knows something about Ollie though, the way he didn't just trash him like I thought he would.
Anyways, your writing is definitely getting better and I'm running out of things to say or even comment on. It's like, I'm not even paying attention to anything and just reading as the story goes on and on
Which isn't a bad thing, you've captured my interest and this chapter really has a good pull to it. Although I had no idea a month had passed or was it two months? I felt like it'd only been a few weeks...Oh well Haha.
Sorry for the unhelpful review.
Also, I have joined the page! So make sure you PM me my monkey or I'm suing for false advertisement
On to the next!

~Shear

Hmmm.. I have a pretty good idea where this is going. Well, sorta.

Other people are starting to get it too.. If I'm right, he technically, sorta, in a way, IS a single child........Right?

Haha. If yes, you've really led us on. You were right about twists. *sighs*

I' haven't much to add. Now I'm really anxious to get to the next chapter. Great one, once again. You've really picked up the pace in these last chappies. Nicely done.

Tanya