Serial Killer

Hope you like it! Really rough draft, needs a lot of editing.

Work, boring. Home, monotonous. Family, dull. Friends, uninteresting. Boyfriend, slow.
Now killing, that's something fun.
Nothing like the warm blood seeping through my fingertips as I clasp the knife as tightly as I can. The feel of my victims last heartbeats, and then how intensely satisfying it is to throw them in a garbage bag and chuck them somewhere no one will ever see them again.
I am a serial killer. I'm sure you've already deduced that by the fact that I love playing god. Love the thrill of the hunt.
Can't understand it unless you've tried it.
Tonight, I am going to murder again. I already have my victim scoped out. A low on the food chain drug dealer.
I'm not going after him because he's easy. Oh no, I am far past the point when I need easy prey.
He's a murderer too. And he needs to be off the streets. Permanently.
This man had given my sister drugs. Made her insane.
And so he is going to pay.
I'm in my car, following him. About 6 feet behind. Inching forward ever so slightly until I'm hitting 80 and he's right in my path. I run him over.
The street is deserted as I get out of my four door F-150. It's red. I love it. Perfect for lugging dead bodies around.
It's a little chilly outside, so i wrap my wool coat a little tighter around me. I'm dressed in all gray and black so as not to be seen.
No one sees me heft the man up into my arms and fling him the back of the truck. My heels click as i get back into the car. Red, just like my car. I always wear them when I hunt. Their my good luck shoes. Of course, if I need to run, I wear tennis shoes, but I knew tonight wouldn't be one of those high speed chases.
I throw my car into gear, and slam into a garbage can, throwing a suitable amount of trash over the spot where I'd hit my victim. Should keep the fed's off it for a while, even if I did have a new dent in my truck. No matter. It would be in the river by the end of the night. Too bad. I really love this truck.
Reversing turns out to be harder than I anticipated. Oh well. I'll recover time when I get to my workshop. Meat cleavers, here I come.
I drive down the street, making sure I'm not being followed. Once I'm alone, I pull into my workshop. Home sweet home.
The nearly dead man slides off the back of my car easily. His blood leaves a trail, but that will be easy enough to take care of.
I strap him to a table inside the warehouse. My tools sit on a stool next to my workspace, like they always do, and I smile as i pick up a hunk of gleaming metal.
"Mr. Alverez... I don't know if you can understand me, but some say the hearing is last to go." I smirk a little as my victim stirs. I lean forward and breath on his neck. "And the saddest thing is you could have prevented this. I gave you plenty of chance to kill me. But you failed miserably, per usual. So I say to you, good day sir!"
On that triumphant note, I plunge my knife into his chest. He wheezes a few times, then his eyes close. Success. Another clean kill. Well, not clean yet. I still have some work to do.
I can't decide whether to chop him up and put him in garbage bags, or just stage his death. My second idea has more flair to it. I'll go with the safer bet.
A broom hangs on the wall of my workshop. The weak light flickers a few times, and I flip it off. The room is immediately dark.
I maneuver Mr. Alverez back to my truck and stick him in the passengers seat. Then I take the broom and sweep as much debris into a pile as I can. The wet rag comes next, and I scrub the pavement and the back of my truck. I use a special light that will turn up any spot of blood, and I get every inch of everything cleaned. When I get back inside the warehouse, my workspace will be sterilized, the tools disposed of. I used something different every time.
The pier I drive to is also deserted. Not many people take strolls in the middle of the night. Especially with serial killers like me about.
I hold the brake down and shift Mr. Alverez to the drivers seat. He's pathetically easy to move.
His foot acts at the perfect weight to hold the gas down. I put the car in drive.
He goes off the pier.
Bye bye evidence. And the best thing, the car that went in the lake wasn't mine. It wasn't registered in my name, it was his. Mr. Alverez. I'd stolen it from him two weeks ago. Even so, I would miss it.
No way to trace anything back to me.
I'm home free. Wore gloves, was smart.
So satisfying when everything goes right.
After I finish wiping down my workshop and getting rid of evidence, i go home. And now I sleep.
When I wake up, I'll be going to work like I always do, fooling everyone. No one knows. Not even my boyfriend.
And no one will find out.
I'm good at hiding. I know how to be normal, and how to live a good life. I have a family, a circle of friends.
The reason I'm so good at what I do is because, in truth, I'm just like you.

I must say that i really enjoyed reading this story. It definatly hand an attention grabber, and the plot was there as well. i didnt notice any grammer mistakes which is always an upside and the story flowed very well. you are a very good writer and i look forward to reading your next writing.

Very good, keep writing!!!

Porter

Hey there, I'm here to review!

Well, that was interesting. A little disturbing as well. The main thing I noticed about your overall tone was that it was very down-to-earth, matter-of-fact and almost...cheerful. Peppy. Upbeat. Which is a little incongruous with her profession. But, in a way, it works because it just makes her seem even more unstable and possibly insane. So good job on the piece; it's intriguing and easy to read--the words and timing flow pretty smoothly.

ASingleDarkRose wrote: Work, boring. Home, monotonous. Family, dull. Friends, uninteresting. Boyfriend, slow.
Now killing, that's something fun.

I really like this opening. However, it feels like you're moving a little faster than you could. I think you can definitely stretch out the list to give the killing part more of an impact.

I am a serial killer. I'm sure you've already deduced that by the fact that I love playing god. Love the thrill of the hunt.

If you're sure we've already deduced that, then don't say what you are in the first place.

Tonight, I am going to murder again. I already have my victim scoped out. A low on the food chain drug dealer.
I'm not going after him because he's easy. Oh no, I am far past the point when I need easy prey.
He's a murderer too. And he needs to be off the streets. Permanently.
This man had given my sister drugs. Made her insane.
And so he is going to pay.

This part bothers me. The MC is saying she's going to murder someone because he's a murderer, and yet the only thing it sounds like he's done to the MC is harm her sister through drugs. It's not like he killed her sister, right?

I'm in my car, following him. About 6 feet behind. Inching forward ever so slightly until I'm hitting 80 and he's right in my path. I run him over.

First, any number less than one hundred needs to be typed out, so that's "six" not "6" and "eighty" not "80". Also, you make it sound so quick and effortless to just run him over. Wouldn't she see him trying to run away, evade, or even just stare in shock at the car? And then there would be the bump as she goes over him and all that.

My heels click as i get back into the car. Red, just like my car.

LIttle confusing there, as you were just talking about the car and then switched back to the shoes. You could easily add something to clear it up like "My heels click as I get back into the car. They're red, just like my truck." (Notice also how I said "truck" instead of "car" again; don't want to get too repetitive in such a short space!)

I always wear them when I hunt. Their my good luck shoes.

They're. "Their" is possessive: I like their cars! "They're" is the conjunction between "they" and "are": They're going to town (They are going to town). I find it helpful to insert the long version whenever I'm not sure which one to use; if it makes sense to say "They are...." then I know it's "they're." If it doesn't make sense, then I know it's either "their" or "there". I do the same thing with "your" and "you're," but I'm not going to go into that now since I haven't seen any instances of that here!

I throw my car into gear, and slam into a garbage can, throwing a suitable amount of trash over the spot where I'd hit my victim. Should keep the fed's off it for a while, even if I did have a new dent in my truck.

Really? Ever watch Bones? I think, if she's so good at her job, she'd take a little more time to make sure nothing's going to give her away and would spend more time checking to make sure she can cover up any marks.

But you failed miserably, per usual. So I say to you, good day sir!"

"As per usual" is the phrase; I've never heard just "per usual."

On that triumphant note, I plunge my knife into his chest. He wheezes a few times, then his eyes close.

That-that's it? Here I was expecting her to chop him up or put him through torture, and all she does is stab him. And all he does is wheeze? Kind of a let down. C'mon, you can draw it out a little more than that! After all, this is the culmination of her night's work. Let's have some more details.

And the best thing, the car that went in the lake wasn't mine. It wasn't registered in my name, it was his. Mr. Alverez. I'd stolen it from him two weeks ago. Even so, I would miss it.

I love this part. Brilliant.

The reason I'm so good at what I do is because, in truth, I'm just like you.

And a chilling, disturbing, and powerful ending! Well done!

Overall, I think you've got a really good piece here! Not much for me to nitpick on. Please feel free to PM me if you've got any questions, and keep up the good work!

Hope you like it! Really rough draft, needs a lot of editing.

You should've edited in the first place. Our job isn't to catch all your mistakes, it's to find what you may have missed.

I am a serial killer. I'm sure you've already deduced that by the fact that I love playing god.

God is spelled with a capital G unless you are talking about multiple gods.

Love the thrill of the hunt.

Incomplete sentence. No subject.

About 6 feet behind.

Don't be lazy, spell out the number six. Plus, how does your character know this exactly?

Overall: It's decent, but really undescriptive. You don't explain the scenery or the people, only the "red truck". Add more description. What did it sound like when she ran over the guy with the car? Did he moan or move when she was bring him back? Was his blood warm? Could the character smell the iron? Think about those sort of things, especially when you are doing things that involve murder or killing such as this. Also, why is it in the fantasy section? This looks more like it belongs in the general fiction section. Anways, keep writing, and if you need help or a review, feel free to PM here on YWS.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf

Thank you for the tips! I'm going to definitely make this better, and i hope you will review my newer copy when i'm finished with it.

This was amazing and I really like it.
Nothing like the warm blood seeping through my fingertips as I clasp the knife as tightly as I can. The feel of my victims last heartbeats, and then how intensely satisfying it is to throw them in a garbage bag and chuck them somewhere no one will ever see them again.
That part was amazing with very good imagery I could see the fingers curled around the knife etc. etc. The last line was among my many absolute favorite's in the entire story. Spelling as far as I could tell had no mistakes. All in all great job and keep writing.

First thing, I love the idea of the kill out of the view of a serial killers eyes. But I have some questions. How did she get into serial killing? Are the cops close? How does she choose her victems and why? Why is her boyfriend and the rest of her life boring? WHere exactly does she dispose the bodies? I know that you said that she puts them in a garbage bag and tosses them somewhere no one will find them, but does that mean she drops them off at the dump? DOes she drive out to a feild and bury the body? And she must be pretty strong to lift that body into the back of her truck. She's about, what, anywheres between 100-120, right? And that guy is about 150-180, right? Do you know how hard it is to lift a body that weighs that much compared to how much you weigh into the bed of a truck? Did she put the back part down to wrestle the body in? And no one saw her? Where are they? What time is it? This drug dealer didn't see her following him 6 feet behind? Then she suddenly jumped to 80 and the dealer was suddenly in front of her truck? There are a lot of things that don't add up and a lot of questions that need to be answered. Why did her sister start drugs? Peer pressure? And I think that the little thing that she says before she killes Mr. A was cheezy and unrealistic. And she's mad at him, why does she only stab once? Anger killers stab over and over and over! And what does she mean when she says that she gave him plenty of chances to kill her? DId he know that she was going to kill her? And where is this workshop of hers? At her house or is it a warehouse that she's renting? And Mr. A has a giant stab wound in his chest!!! The cops will know that he was murdered and disposed of!!! BUt I do like it, it's just that there is a lot of questions that need to be answered. Work on it more and it'll be awsome!!!

Wow. This was pretty interesting. It was good, no doubt. And very different. I loved reading your story, because it was so well written. But there is some work. Nitpicking, I'll leave for someone else. (I'm sure that it's already been done anyways. lol) But I think you should show us what's happening, instead of telling us. It adds a little more to your story. But that would be the only thing I would say. Good work and keep writing!
Sierra

Hi! Okay, question, have you read Darkly Dreaming Dexter or seen it on TV(simply 'Dexter' on TV)? Very similar thing here, serial killer killing bad guys, obsessed with blood, and he cant feel feelings normally...Just thought i should say that lol. Other then the 'Dexter' vibe, i love it You have amazing talent! As long as you stay away from the 'Dexter'-ness and don't make her a forensic chick, then you should be fine. I'll be on the lookout for more of your posts! Hope i didn't seem too harsh or mean, feel free to completely ignore me

actually yes, i have seen that show, that is where i got my inspiration for this writing! Yes, i will try to stay away from that.

Very well written. A few minor spelling and grammar errors but it was still very well written and thought out. Mr. Alverez seemed more like a side character rather than actual main character, but I would love to see more work on the character's sister's story. You never gave your character a name: this seems very vital to the story, very mysterious but you do need to develop it alot more.

Oh boy there are so manu issues with this piece. First you don't want to tell a story the way you did only because it draws the reader away from the story and you already told the subject in the title so I didn't feel the need for you to tell us what the character was or what they were doing it was pretty clear.