Where do we go?

Hey Crim!

This won’t be a long critique, probably. I love that you’re attempting poetry, as you did say you’re more of a story writer. I think that you need to relook at this poem and consider what you’re trying to say. It’s about life after death, clearly, and the insecure feeling you get from not knowing. This poem needs more words. We need more description about how it feels. Tell us about the butterfly stomaches and the horrible oily feel in your throat when you think about dropping into the nothingness that comes after death. Or the joy from reaching some forgiving, timeless place.

Put those fears and hopes into simile and metaphor; give us more to work with. I want to be able to worry and fret with you until I’m left sick in the stomach as well. Use techniques like onomatopoeia and alliteration to push your poem into our brains until we can’t forget it. I know if you work at it, you’ll be able to. Start by expanding your poem into a short piece of prose, and then cut it back until it flows into a nice shape and structure. Don’t forget that you can punctuate poetry exactly as you do prose, as well.

Above all else, have fun! Poetry is about expression and feeling connected to your writing.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Well, what PenguinAttack said! I must admit I know exactly what you're talking about. I think I can give you a couple tips on how to make this seem more poetic, though.

Write is as you would a story, first. Write a paragraph or two about how you feel, then take the best things you wrote and put them into a poem. Just take little tidbits of sentences and copy and paste them into your story. This can be a really good way to start writing poetry.

Find some kind of a meter. It's nice to start with a simple meter when you're new to poetry. Maybe you could do five syllables on every line, or even five syllables on all the odd lines and four on all the evens. Poetry doesn't have to have a good meter, but I think it's easier to get a poem to have meter than it is to get it to rhyme.

I hope these tips help! With a little work, this could turn out to be a really spectacular poem!

P.S. "Disappear" is spelled with one "s" and two "p"s. Don't worry, it's a common mistake.

Thanks you two! I will take your critique into account and start working on building up more emotion.