Betrayed

Betrayed I begin to type away my feelings,
my pencil breaks and my heart is reeling.
This is all because of you,
you were my reason, my answer, my means.
Now you've left me here to bleed!
All you wanted was my tears,
I've wasted them on you all these years.
I thought I knew you,
I guess I was wrong.
Stab me with your knife through the heart,
then I'll try it on you but it won't work; you have no heart.
Not a beat, not a brain, not even a soul.
You say you'd never lie,
never leave me here to die,
but yet you leave me; alone. Again.
Betrayed is the word,
betrayal is your game.
Just leave me here to rot,
you'll continue all the same.
Betrayed.

Hi Kitrosemon13! I love this! It has a very nice beat; have you considered making it into a song? I think I'll go through and edit some technical stuff ...

kitrosemon13 wrote:Betrayed, I begin to type away my feelings,
my pencil breaks and my heart is reeling.

Saying that you're "typ[ing] away [your] feelings" implies that you're using a keyboard of some sort. Then, why would your pencil break? Maybe you could "scrawl" away your feelings, or use some similar verb.

kitrosemon13 wrote:This is all because of you,
you were my reason, my answer, my means.
Now you've left me here to bleed!

I'm not sure about the exclamation point here. I, personally, wouldn't be too excited if someone just left me here to bleed. I don't think I'd have enough energy to be excited. But that's just me.

kitrosemon13 wrote:All you wanted were my tears,
I've wasted them on you all these years.
I thought I knew you,
I guess I was wrong.

I really love these four lines. They are so meaningful.

kitrosemon13 wrote:Stab me with your knife through my heart,
then I'll try it on you but it won't work; you have no heart.
Not a beat, not a brain, not even a soul.
You say you'd never lie,
never leave me here to die,
but yet you leave me; alone. Again.

I don't think you need a semicolon before the last "alone" here. You could either write: "but yet you leave me alone. Again" or "but yet you leave me. Alone. Again."

kitrosemon13 wrote:Betrayed is the word,
betrayal is your game.
Just leave me here to rot,
you'll continue all the same.
Betrayed.

I especially love the repetition of the word "betrayed" at the end of the poem. It really gets your point across in a striking but not annoying way. That can be pretty hard to do. I hope I helped, and remember, you don't even need to consider my advice if you don't want to. Keep writing!

Wow, this was one emotional piece of work, I wouldn't be surprised to find you even cried while writing it. I think I just might. It was really a great piece, and something I feel I, and probably many others, can relate to. I always like to give my favorite parts of poems, so....

Stab me with your knife through the heart,
then I'll try it on you but it won't work; you have no heart.
Not a beat, not a brain, not even a soul.
You say you'd never lie,
never leave me here to die,
but yet you leave me; alone. Again.
Betrayed is the word,
betrayal is your game.
Just leave me here to rot,
you'll continue all the same.
Betrayed.

Yes, as you can see, my favorite part was very long. That was how much I liked the poem. Though it is also the one place I had a little problem.

then I'll try it on you but it won't work; you have no heart.

This line just threw the flow off to me for a split second. Otherwise, quite the splendid, golden nugget! Keep writing!

Hey there!

Up until the line "Stab me..." your fluency is very well devised through well chosen punctuation and word choice, however from the line "Stab me..." youe fluency is very jumpy, your word choices make the lines seem choppy in pace and the punctuation seems a bit scattered and random. I don't know if this is because you've run out of things to say or you're just spilling out your emotions more naturally. I hoped it was the second one because the messy effect is quite good in contrast to your earlier reference:

my pencil breaks and my heart is reeling

In terms of content, it all feels a bit unoriginal. Yes, you're feeling these painful things from being emotionally hurt but so does everyone your age and the dark emotive feelings are just repetitive. What else do you feel? Is there any relief at all? Is there any positives that contrast mysteriously with it? Is there any sick happiness you feel from the feeling of having your heart stabbed? What makes what your feeling so individual? You just need to add a touch of your own style and uniqueness in the content. You do it well with punctuation and fluency control but its lacking in the general poem itself.

Also there are a couple of issues with continuity, such as here:

Betrayed I begin to type away my feelings,
my pencil breaks and my heart is reeling.

Why does your pencil break? Weren't you typing? It's not that this is particularly a problem in poetry, but it cuts around with the image in the previous line and makes the overall impression quite mixed, so try to watch out for these.

Anyway, I hope this helped and keep it up,
Ben