Goodbye, i love you.

Hey there This is just a quick piece that i made up in about half an hour. Words just formed in my head and i wrote them down, so i don't know if they are any good. Please, tell me what you think.

I feel really weird, mum. My body doesn’t feel as light as it used to, it feels like lead weighing me down to the bed. There’s this really annoying beeping sound, it never stops. Sometimes it gets faster and then other times it gets so slow it’s like it’s going to end. It’s really dark too. But it’s not black; it’s not like when you shut your eyes or when the lights flick out at the movies. It’s more like when you’ve looked at the sun to long, or been outside when it’s really bright and then walked back inside. You know how everything goes sort of green and splotchy, mum? It’s like that except multiplied heaps of times. But being in the dark is better than the blinding light like before, or I guess not before, probably a couple of days ago now. It wasn’t nice, mum, it hurt to look at. I knew if you were there you would have said, ‘Don’t look at it then.’ That would have been the obvious thing to do but it wasn’t that easy. The yellow glare was everywhere; I couldn’t get away from it. The last thing I remember was the loud screeching of metal hitting metal and the screams of Emily. She was pretty scared, mum. Her face was the only thing that I could see and it frightened me. Her eyes were popped half way out of her head and her mouth was gaping open. I knew something bad was about to happen because Emily never gets scared. Mum, do you remember that time when she sliced her finger open with that pocket knife? You and I were too scared to look at it; we were flustering around not knowing what to do. But Emily just sat there examining her finger with great concentration, she didn’t even cry.
I didn’t cry, mum. When that black truck ploughed into the side of Emily’s mini I didn’t even scream. I couldn’t feel anything. I just slipped into unconsciousness and I still haven’t managed to resurface. Mum, don’t be sad, but I don’t think I ever will.
Sometimes I hear things, like footsteps, some walk faster than others and some sound quiet and unsure. I’ve gotten good at hearing the different types of steps; it gives me something to do. Other times I hear voices. I remember one day words were thrown around about comas, brain damage and life support. As well as, seventeen, too young and tragedy. I knew they were talking about me; they didn’t have to say my name for that to be obvious.
I hear you too, mum. It makes me sad to hear you cry and whisper my name over and over again. I never knew Jasmine could sound so sad, I used to like my name but now I’m starting to hate it. You tell me you love me and that I need to be okay, I need to come back. I need to be there for my dance competition in two weeks, basketball try-outs and for you. But we both know that I can’t, that it would be easier to just leave. You know that I never take the easy way but just this once I think I’m going to have to.
Mum, I want you to know I love you and you’re the best mother in the world. Tell Emily not to beat herself up, it wasn’t her fault and I don’t blame her, I love her too.
I can feel myself slipping away now, mum. That annoying beeping is getting weaker. I don’t know if you’re with me but I hope you’re not, I don’t want to hurt you anymore.
I can see light again, it’s refreshing and not as bright as last time. It looks warm and welcoming, I can feel a strange feeling tugging me towards it. And mum, I want to, I’m ready. I’ve never been afraid of death and I’m not now. I’ve had a great life and now I’ll be seeing Dad again soon – I’ll say hi to him from you. I can hear only the beeping now, mum. It’s defiantly slowing. The lights getting prettier and more welcoming and as the beeping flat lines I fall into the soft, white clouds of brightness.
Goodbye, I’ll always love you.

Ok so I looked at this and it's 4:25 in the morning, too late for me to give you a good review, so I'll be back tomorrow with something really thorough.

Hey

This was really good, especially for something written in only half an hour. I especially liked the way the narrator was talking to their mum. However, while it's an interesting idea it is one that has been done before, and yours didn't have that much to make it stand out from the crowd. The build up was good, and the way you slowly revealed the narrator's situation, but the ending didn't have much impact. I think it's partly because it's difficult to build up a personality and get people to care about the character in short stories, but it's also because the way you wrote the death was to use several of the most overused cliches about death. A bright light? Fluffy clouds? All been used many times before. Perhaps you could come up with a more personal take on what dieing's like. After all, no one knows what it's like, so you have free reign.

I’ve never been afraid of death and I’m not now.

Really? Because I think almost everyone's afraid of death. Death means the end of everything. If they're in a coma then it's different, and I can understand someone stopping caring as their mind is shutting down, but I don't think it's accurate to write a teenage girl (I assume that's what the narrator is) who's never been afraid of death. Not thinking about death, believing you don't need to worry about it because it's decades away, that's a totally different thing. So yeah... this line just seems difficult to believe to me.

Throughout the whole piece the narrator is very benevolent and forgiving and gentle and loving, and basically she seems a bit too perfect. I'm not saying you have to make her angry and selfish and scared all the time, but maybe you could at least have her say, "At first I was angry" or something because things like that are human.

Goodbye, I’ll always love you.

As a last line I think this could be better. I would suggest putting, "I'll always love you. Goodbye." because having 'goodbye' as the last word, on its own, makes it much more final, instead of it being just a throwaway message of love.

And about the narrator addressing her mother: as I said, I like that and I think it works well but you don't want to do it too often because it lessens the effect. I would take out some of the ',mum.'s because while one or two are good too many takes away from the monologue.

So, it's all a matter of opinion but with a few changes I think you could improve this a lot. Keep writing!

Thanks for the review
I know what you mean with the mum thing. I was thinking the same thing when i wrote it. Also, i knowsome things said in here are cliche, i was just writing fast. I'll go back and edit.
Personally, i am not afraid of death.