Karen and Allen (Part One)

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Walking into that room was risky, and Karen knew it. But she couldn’t, not see him. She had waited a few days, but knew she needed to get to him before they could brainwash him.

Stepping through the door, she was met with a nice cool breeze, a fan was cooling down the already crisp hospital air. Karen hated hospitals, and she hated this one too. The smell of disinfectants gave her a headache, there was always some sort of annoying noise to bother her, such as soup operas, and the thought of being surrounded by sick and injured people just made her plain woozy. But no matter how much she hated them, she couldn’t just leave him there without a clue.

The sound of the door opening must have startled the patient, because they jerked their head up, looking to see who had come in. Karen pulled her smiley faced balloon through and stopped, staring at the poor fellow lying on his bed. He couldn’t seem to do anything but the same. She walked closer to him.

“Do you know who I am?” she asked quietly, as if scared of the answer. He shook his head slowly while she let out a soft snort. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

She could tell he was confused, she didn’t expect him not to be. As he tried to sit up on his bed, she stopped him, leaning forward.

“Whoa now, try not to rip your stitches, hon.” She said quickly. Then realizing what she had ended her sentence with, stepped back. Surprised at her outburst, he laid back down.

“Who are you?” he asked, looking at her in the eyes. She smiled, slightly. “Are you a sister or something?”

Karen sighed, tied the balloon to the end of the stiff plastic bed, and sat down in the closest chair. Her eyes were read from being up at night and crying, but she tried to keep a smile on her lips.

“How’s your leg?” she asked, trying to change the subject. “Your ribs, how about them? And you sure did get a nice bump on the head, now didn’t you?”

He didn’t buy it for a second.

“I feel fine, but you haven’t answered my question.” he started, then winced as he instinctively touched the soon-to-be scar on his forehead. His hand always flew up whenever anyone said anything about his head. It hurt to touch, but it hurt more not to know how he got it. “I’m beginning to think you’re not even related to me.”

That was certainly obvious. Karen had long blond hair and deep blue eyes, while he had short black hair and light gray eyes. Not to mention that from what he could tell, he was very tall and she was short.

“No.” She chuckled. “I’m not related to you.”

Karen cut off there, she seemed uncomfortable with telling him the truth.

He could tell how uncomfortable she was, so decided to take a risk and ask her the question that had been bothering him since he woke up three days earlier, maybe she would be too nervous about the other one and answer this one without hesitation.

“What’s my name?”

She gaped at him, mouth at least an inch opened.

“They haven’t told you yet?” she whispered, as if it was too horrible to imagine. He shook his head, looking towards the window. She didn’t seem to want to tell him, she was just like the others.

Coming over to him, she laid a hand against his cheek farthest from her, making him look at her. Kissing his sore forehead, she said, “Your name is Allen. Your name is Allen and I’m your wife, Karen.”

Allen looked down at his left hand, there was no ring.

“I think you’re looking for this.” she said, feeling around her pocket and pulling out a gold band. Taking it in his hand, Allen looked at the engraving.

“I found love, and love was you.”

“Did the paramedics take it off when-when whatever happened, happened?” he asked cautiously. Sadly, Karen shook her head.

“I’m guessing they didn’t tell you that either.”

“They didn’t tell me anything!” he started. His hand shook with frustration and she tried to grab it, but he pulled away. She was hurt, there was no doubt about it. But she knew why he did it, even if he didn’t.

“Who came to see you?” she asked, trying to keep tears from leaking out of her eyes, It was then that she heard the noise that scared her the most.

*Beeeeeeeeeeep*

It was coming from the room across the hall, but it was close enough to hear clearly. The sound pierced the air and seemed to stab right into Karen, who had jerked herself around. A little boy ran out of the open door, followed by a sobbing woman.

“Doctor, please, we need a doctor!” she shouted before calling for her son to come back.

Seeing Karen’s terrified face, Allen had the sudden urge to take her in his arms, to try to comfort her. But another part of him was completely disgusted by the thought.

“A lady who said she was my mother, and a lady who said she was my aunt.” he said, bringing her attention back to reality, as she had momentarily went back in time.

“Oh, well, that would explain a lot.” She took a deep breath in before continuing. “Allen, what I’m going to tell you may seem odd, but it’s true. The reason they haven’t told you anything yet is because they’re trying to make up your background, trying to give you a fresh start… Some things have happened in your life, and they’d rather you didn’t know. They’re trying to get rid of your past.

He thought about the possibility for a minute or two. Then he thought, “How do I even know these people are who they say they are? Any of them.”

“But even if that is true, they must just care about me so much that they don’t want to hurt me.” He said, not even sure if what he was saying was what he believed.

“Don’t you get it? They’re trying to brainwash you!” she gasped. When Karen walked in she knew it would be hard to convince him, but she had hoped he might have some sort of person in his head, telling him to trust her. “They’re trying to get rid of your past.”

“You said yourself that I had a bad past, they’re probably just protecting me.” He replied, voice getting louder. He hardly knew these people, but he knew the older women more than this girl.

“But your past is who you are, Allen. It’s what’s made you the person you are.” she said, trying to keep her voice calm. They didn’t need to get into another one of these, not right after-

“No, I will not think of that right now.” she told herself.

“Who knows if I even want to be that person anymore? The way people are keeping the reason I’m here a secret, it makes me think that I tried to take the easy way out! Frankly, I’m pretty sure I want them to get rid of my past!” He was almost shouting now. She seemed taken aback by his words, but didn’t mind shouting back at him.

“They’re trying to get rid of me!” she yelled, before grabbing her bag and rushing out of the door.




Hey everyone! This is just something I started to whip up today. If you could critique, that would be awesome! If you could like, that would be awesome too! It's only the first part, hopefully I'll get the next one out soon. But school is coming up soon, so it'll be a little harder. Thank you for reading!

-iheartbooks♥
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous




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Hello Hello
I am going to your reviewer for today. Now I must say that this a good start to a story, I can see how this can be a romantic story but it also seems like it could be a mystery thriller also. It's this type of merging of genre that makes great books to read and for that I applaud you.

I have to say I'm not one who is great at proof reading considering I make mistakes all the time so I will leave that to someone with more capable abilities. I've read through your piece here multiple times and I don't see anything blatantly out of place here. The flow of this is quite good and the dialogue between the characters feels very real. I look forward to the next piece of this story, please pm me when you do update it.
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger, humor is when you cut your finger off."




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Hi iheartbook!


Walking into that room was risky, and Karen knew it. But she couldn’t, not see him. She had waited a few days, but knew she needed to get to him before they could brainwash him.

A you made what I call a typo(Don't know what you call a typo). But she couldn’t, not see him.
But no matter how much she hated them, she couldn’t just leave him there without a clue.

I would put a little more of what the 'clue' was(if that makes any sense), Any clue where he was? What happened to him? What wouldn't he have a clue of.

The sound of the door opening must have startled the patient, because they jerked their head up, looking to see who had come in. Karen pulled her smiley faced balloon through and stopped, staring at the poor fellow lying on his bed. He couldn’t seem to do anything but the same. She walked closer to him.

Okay, is there more then one person, or just one. to make it more understandably, I would put, "staring at one of the poor fellow lying on his bed."




“Whoa now, try not to rip your stitches, hon.” She said quickly. Then realizing what she had ended her sentence with, stepped back. Surprised at her outburst, he laid back down.
“Who are you?” he asked, looking at her in the eyes. She smiled, slightly. “Are you a sister or something?”

I would take out the 'at' out, sounds better to me.

Karen sighed, tied the balloon to the end of the stiff plastic bed, and sat down in the closest chair. Her eyes were read from being up at night and crying, but she tried to keep a smile on her lips.

'Her eyes were red' I think you mean, not 'read'.
That was certainly obvious. Karen had long blond hair and deep blue eyes, while he had short black hair and light gray eyes. Not to mention that from what he could tell, he was very tall and she was short.

"Not to mention that from what she could tell....." I think you mean.


“Oh, well, that would explain a lot.” She took a deep breath in before continuing. “Allen, what I’m going to tell you may seem odd, but it’s true. The reason they haven’t told you anything yet is because they’re trying to make up your background, trying to give you a fresh start… Some things have happened in your life, and they’d rather you didn’t know. They’re trying to get rid of your past.

Hmm, you got me hooked!


You've really got me hooked! I think this is a great start to a book! you seriously did this in one day!? That's awesome! You did a great job!
Keep writing!
Jungle
Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?
Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.




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Hello there.

First off I wanted to tell you that I did really like this piece. I'm a sucker for plot twists and mental thrillers and all that jazz and this seems to me like the beginnings of a good one. I really like the concept you have going. The whole, amnesia patient getting brainwashed into forgetting the past, very Bourne Ultimatum meets 1984. I also really liked the part where the family across the hall is screaming for a doctor.

Although I did feel that it was hard to get into at first. Your beginning didn't start off grabbing my attention and I felt you had to slowly warm me up to it. I'm a strong believer that what English teachers say about an attention grabbing sentence being invaluable is true. The whole thing about hating hospitals and their weird disinfectant smell seems a little "done" to me. I like fresh stuff.

And maybe you could add a few more details about how everyone's trying to brainwash Allen. I mean I know there's going to be other installments to explain everything but I felt pretty confused around the middle of your story. Maybe it's just me though, it's really your decision.

It's a little thing I saw but, when you said "Karen had long blond hair and deep blue eyes, while he had short black hair and light gray eyes. Not to mention that from what he could tell, he was very tall and she was short." I feel like this wasn't necessary and comes off sounding amateurish. You could have easily said something like "they looked nothing alike." And if you were really set on revealing how they looked in this part, do it in other ways by stuffing it into descriptions.

I really hope this review helped.
Never stop writing.

Love,
Jade.
We revel in the unabashed glory of the mind meeting a page.



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