Dancing With the Storm

So this is old. Like.. really old. This was one of my first attempts at poetry. So, probably about 6 months. Which, compared to the rest of my poems, is old.






The storm called to me
Like nothing else could possibly
I yearned for it
Needed it

And before I knew it
I was outside in the rain
Yelling up at the darkening sky
My inner turmoil meeting its outer pain
And as the drops of rain fell towards my troubled eyes

I let out a scream, let out everything in a desperate yell
And stood back, watching what my anger would do.

It poured
And poured
Sky was black during day
Clouds rolled across heaven's end
Galloping and clashing so high and away

And
As lightning shone and thunder blew
I danced the dance that dancers do
Letting anguish go, and fuel that storm
Seeing what I'd do, how I'd transform
Would my anger be gone, taken up by the sky
Or would I be left here, still wondering why?

Me again!

I am glad you put this is an old poem, or I would have presumed you're slipping. My main problem was punctuation, I know I am not perfect in my placement of it, but this had hardly any. I felt it really took away from the emotion behind the piece, which was a real let down.

And before I knew it
I was outside in the rain
Yelling up at the darkening sky
My inner turmoil meeting its outer pain
And as the drops of rain fell towards my troubled eyes

That was a very effective emotional stanza, and I think you should use that as a starting point and try and write a new piece around this.

Contact me for anything!

~Retro Disco666

Hello!

First thing I noticed was how the use of the storm wasn't really used to show any emotion. You use the storm as a setting instead of a metaphor or simile. While using the storm as a setting is alright for something like a prose story, for a poem, when you have to show more meaning with less words, having the storm be nothing more than a setting and comparison to emotion, you're missing out on a lot. If you were to make the storm some form of figurative language, then it would be much stronger.

The second thing I noticed was the repetitive language and odd rhyming pattern. The repetitive language is mostly prevalent here:

I yearned for it
Needed it

And before I knew it

The first two are alright, but because "it" refers to something different in the third mention, it feels repetitive.

I danced the dance that dancers do

This line provides no imagery or description what so ever. As a dancer, this is too broad for me to get any description from it.

There was also the way each stanza rhymed differently. You currently have AABB, ABCBC, AB, AABCB, ABBCCDD. That number of rhyme schemes is confusing and jarring, as readers get used to a certain scheme and get jerked out of the poem every time it changes.

I'd work on the imagery, turning the storm more into a metaphor or simile for anger, and the rhyme scheme when editing this poem.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey