I Don't Need to Say I Love You

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I Don't Need To Say I Love You



Dougie,

Do you remember the stars?
I do.
It was November. You were sixteen, and I was fifteen. It was five degrees outside and we were sitting on the riverbank. There was a badger scurrying across the grass and the smell of the rain on the concrete road behind us circled the air. You were wearing your old ripped jeans and your black and grey hoodie. I was in my pyjamas, my dressing gown wrapped around my shivering body. Your arm was wrapped around me as you kissed me on my forehead. It was the early hours of the morning and the sky was covered in a million stars.
You told me that every single star in the sky meant something, had its purpose. Stars were like people, you said. Every star was different and every one deserved to be beautiful, no matter where they came from, how old they were, or what others thought of them. The galaxy was a huge place for a little star. It was impossible to become something when, in reality, you were just a tiny piece of rock. You said that I was something, that I was a pretty damn determined star who would make an impact on the entire galaxy. No doubt about it.
Leaving you wasn't easy; I knew it wouldn't be. What I had though, it wasn't a disease. Not in my eyes. It was just a sign that some stars are stronger than others and every star had its time to leave the sky. I wasn't hurting when my time came, I want you to know that.
Do you remember later that November night? You told me that you weren’t a star though? You were a meteorite, crashing to earth at an alarming speed. Nothing but a tainted chunk of old rock. Useless. You weren’t useless. You’re not useless. You’re the reason I am who I am, the reason my life was worth living.
Sure, you made mistakes, but so did I. My God, did I make mistakes. I put my needs in front of your own and I didn’t even stop to think once about the pain in your heart. That’s why I’m writing this now.
I’m sorry for every single time I pulled out your heart and toyed with it as though it was nothing but an internal organ.
Do you remember when they said my cancer was terminal? My throat was dry, my mind was blank, and my head was rapidly spinning. The first thing that you said was to look on the bright side; the doctor who'd treated me was hot. That was when I laughed. I always loved a bit of dry humour.
I heard that you cried once they turned the machine’s off. You never cry. You told me that crying is for girls and blokes in strait jackets. I was never too sure about that last one, but I went along with it because I adored the words you spoke, whether they made sense or not. I can’t hear your voice anymore; I don’t know if I ever will. I’m trying to keep myself optimistic though, I knew that’s what you’d tell me to do if you were here.
It was 3:15am now. You were fast asleep, my head rested against your warm chest. The badger had disappeared by now, and the smell of damp was slowly weakening. I didn’t want to wake you because it was the first time you’d shut up in hours. You really do talk a lot and, quite frankly, you should never stop. When you speak, I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. You're always there to make me smile, to make me the luckiest star in the sky.
I am the luckiest star, Dougie. Ever since the day my eyes were locked into yours, I was the luckiest star. Every other star may have been bright, beautiful and eye-catching. Not every star had you though. That’s how I was different. That's what made me the luckiest star. I don’t need to say I love you, or tell you that I can’t imagine life without you. You already know that. Besides, I know how you hate corny stuff. Just remember,

Ti yw fy seren, Dougie. Always, all ways.

Zoey.
Last edited by Sins on Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:23 am, edited 2 times in total.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hello Skins!

I must warn you, ahead of time, that I know that a personal bias will prevent me from loving this piece even before I've read it. Something about letters from the dead just isn't my thing, especially in fiction writing-- if you're into theater, I'd suggest turning this into a sort of dramatic monologue or solo scene. It seems to me like this piece would be best, format wise and content wise, if acted or spoken aloud instead of lying on paper, but again, this is a personal thing.

Next, I will critique this ignoring the fact that you pounded it out in six minutes. xD Adjust my suggestions according to your time constraints.

First sentence: spell out "five". I also don't think you need the date-- definitely not the year, at least. You can say "November", but making anything too specific takes away its feel or timelessness and makes it seem more fictional.

and the smell of damp circled the air around us.


The smell of damp? Damp what?

Skim over this article on semi-colons to refresh your memory on their usage.

that I was a pretty darn determined star who would make an impact on the entire galaxy.


The tone of the piece's narrator is forceful enough that I think you should replace "darn" with "damn". Don't get me wrong-- I am never an advocate of cussing in real life, and I can't believe I'm suggesting this, but curses can be used tastefully in literature to set up an atmosphere or characterize someone. However, this is a minor thing.

You told me that you weren’t a star though. You were a meteorite, crashing to earth at an alarming speed. Nothing but a tainted chunk of old rock. Useless. You weren’t useless. You’re not useless. You’re the reason I am who I am; the reason my life was worth living. Sure, you made mistakes, but so did I. My God, did I make mistakes. I put my needs in front of your own and I didn’t even stop to think once about the pain in your heart. That’s why I’m writing this now. I’m sorry for every single time I pulled out your heart and toyed with it as though it was nothing but an internal organ
.

I feel like this paragraph loses it's direction. In a piece as short as this, each sentence needs to be focused, and paragraphs should be grouped according to their subject. But here you start by talking to Dougie, and then how Dougie saw themself, and then how the narrator saw Dougie, and then you start talking about the narrator's mistakes. It's all over the place. Try to tie your thoughts together to create something more cohesive-- if you have to move sentences around, that's fine!

Do you remember when they said my cancer was terminal?


I'd had liked a small hint towards the narrator's sickness before this, just so it's not such a shock. Although I do like this sentence; it's a subtle way to introduce to conflict.

That was when I laughed. How many people can say that? “What did you do once you found out it was terminal?” I laughed.


The quoted and italicized portions are repetitive-- you just told us how she reacted, so you really don't need to repeat it. I'm murdering your word count because in short pieces, every word counts. ;)

Finally, the main thing I suggest here is an inkling of the characters. I got a sister/sister or "two girl best friends" vibe at first, with the joke about the doctor being hot, but then by the end I thought you were talking to a boyfriend. The fact that this entire thing is character-driven makes the characters pretty important, so if you can slip in anything to signal which relationship you're portraying (if a couple, you can talk about holding hands or something more romantic; if a sibling or friend, talk about gossiping or Mom and Dad) it'd help the overall focus of the piece.

Oh, actually: finally, get rid of the PS! The other note was a more powerful one to end on. ;) Best of luck and PM me for anything!

~Evi

EDIT: Hehe, my dad was rushing me-- I forgot to say this this was well-written and striking, and that I really did enjoy it. =) Just reiterating that because it probably didn't come through in the critique!
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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For being written in six minutes (and thirty-four seconds) this was pretty awesome. It does need to be edited, but since the person ^above^ has already revised it, I won't. I liked the descriptions of the stars and of the character.
Keep writing, I love your work :)

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If you had not told us that you wrote that in 6 minutes and 34 seconds I would think it would take you a long time to come up with that passage. I think if the grammar mistakes were fixed, it would be amazing and I love your work. Kepp writing!




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Is it too late? Is it due by the end of today or the beginning? I don't even know what time it is in YWS time. We need a little clock in the corner that shows us the current YWS time...

Anyway! I agree with Evi. Letters from the dead/to the dead/about the dead/stories that are entirely comprised of a letter...just don't do it for me. They mostly lose oomph because we are not actually the recipient of the message, so we don't know what our relationship is or what our context is without contrived-sounding backstory. All backstory in such letter-stories begins with, "Remember when we met in third grade?" "Remember how we got married?" "Remember when I died?" I'm pretty sure the recipient would check a pretty obvious yes to all those questions. And even if the question isn't as obvious ("Do you remember the stars?"), it has that overly used "ha-ha that was a cute inside joke memory" (that doesn't actually mean as much to us, the real-life reader) tone used in such compositions.

But! That's kind of moot when the story's already written. So I'll see if I can tease out anything Evi didn't mention.

Sure, you made mistakes, but so did I. My God, did I make mistakes. I put my needs in front of your own and I didn’t even stop to think once about the pain in your heart...I’m sorry for every single time I pulled out your heart and toyed with it as though it was nothing but an internal organ.

You can't just ask us to believe they made mistakes and that some mysterious "needs" were given priority over other mysterious "needs." That's like introducing a character whose supposed to be rough and tough and had a dark past, and all you say is, "He had a dark past." You could, at the very least, say, "I'm sorry I called you a _____. I'm sorry I slept with that guy. I'm sorry I ran over your cat. I'm sorry I flambéd your pokémon cards."

It was 3:15am now.

What? It was ____ now? Mixed time references, with the past tense and the "now".

You were fast asleep, my head rested against your warm chest.

Are we back at the riverbank? Give us some indication. Especially because the badger wasn't exactly the most memorable thing in the world, really.

Always, all ways.

I like that.

Well, pretty swell for 6 minutes. You've got the beginning and end pretty good, but the brief "cancer, dying, machines turned off" felt pretty inconsequential due to the depth and the time spent on it. Since that's kind of the driving factor for the whole thing, I suggest making it feel more real. Just saying, "My throat was dry, my mind was blank, and my head was rapidly spinning" is not enough to get us to feel anything.

Good luck!




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Like, like, like, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!
This was just totally awesome. I can't see anything wrong with it :)
:D




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LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Hey Skinsy! Was passing through and just couldn't resist.

Skins wrote:Dougie,


I love this guy already. ;)

Now as for the story itself, I have a feeling like I've read something like this before...overall, it just feels familiar. The concept, what she's saying to him, and how it ends are all too clichéd. I know you have the ability to really make this your own and give it a fresh, new outlook. It's very sweet and all, but just too familiar.

Stars were like people, you said.


"I'm looking up for my star girl..." ;)

Joking aside, I really liked this paragraph. Great imagery, wonderful comparisons. Love it.

It was 3:15am now.


Dramatic change here from past tense to present tense. I think you could cut out the "now" and be good.

Ti yw fy seren, Dougie. Always, all ways.


Okay, I like the "always, all ways", it's very clever, but I don't get the other part. Is that Welsh for the same saying?

Well that's all I have to nitpick on; again, I like the imagery you conveyed and you definitely put feeling into it. I just think you could use a little more creativity and originality to really make it your own.
Cheers! (:
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psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Hello, Skins.

I have bad news for you. Do you see me now? - reviewing a short work of yours because I'm kind of shy now that I'm not online often to review your novel. So here comes my bad news: I won't be able to enter your contest. The Paul thing. Yes, fail.

Anyway, let's go on with your story. First, it's so adorable! =| But sadly, I was not satisfied. I feel like it was too short, so many details missed. The plot wasn't clearly shown. I wasn't so sure what was Zoey's relation to Dougie: Was he a lover? At some parts, he seemed like a brother. :3 Yes. My point is, this should have been a tearjerker if you've moved a bit slower and threw in more 'moments'.

Gah, don't get me wrong, Skinso. I would have loved it so much if you've given me more details. I know it was a short story, still, for some reason, it felt too 'short'. xD You get what I mean.

But anyway, I love the order of the story. The concept - for me - was a bit too cliche, but there were fresh parts, like the stars thingy... what stars were, blah blah... and the metaphor. ;)

I am the luckiest star, Dougie. Ever since the day my eyes were locked into yours, I was the luckiest star. Every other star may have been bright, beautiful and eye-catching. Not every star had you though. That’s how I was different. That's what made me the luckiest star. I don’t need to say I love you, or tell you that I can’t imagine life without you. You already know that. Besides, I know how you hate corny stuff. Just remember,


I love this paragraph so much. *sniff* Then ending it with a Welsh sentence, "You're my star(?)" was epic. Gah... You, I hate you for not giving me more. xD Haha... kidding. I had fun reading it. It was very, very nicely done.

I shall return,
Jash ♥
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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Lovely. Love-ly. I adored you character's voice. The story was great. A couple little things.
At one time you say, "It was...now."
Was and now don't belong in the same sentence. Either it was a time or it is a time right now.
The badger had disappeared by now

Same thing. Maybe you could say the badger had dissapeared by then.
Every other star may have been bright, beautiful, and eye-catching. Not every star had you, though.

But really, it was beautiful. The ending and signature was perfect. Good job.
Keep writing!
"Forget love. I'd rather fall in chocolate."



Look closely. The beautiful may be small.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher