Young Writers Society

[pre]*Hi! First of, all just a question: How do we rate as in PG, PG-13, etc.?* The moon shone brightly in the cold, dark night. Ghostly clouds sailed in the sky, sometimes covering the full, white moon. A teenaged girl in a long black cloak shivered and clutched a velvet pouch to her pounding chest. The girl scuttled across the hard, packed dirt of the road, into towering trees overhead. The girl sniffled slightly and shuffled her feet. A white, fragile frost covered the ground and pine branches, and water vapor from a pond rose up in grey, wispy finger like tendrils into the night sky. No sound was heard, and the girl began walking through the eerie woods. She stepped into a clearing, the full moon illuminating her pale skin. Wet brown hair circled a face with giant, haunting brown eyes, and lean, sculpted eyebrows. The girl shivered again and as a few twigs snapped she raised an eyebrow. Clearly this intruder had not been trained to be silent while sneaking around. The intruder stepped into the clearing, and the girl's lip quivered, more out of coldness than fright. "Is it you, Rariv?" she asked warily. This man was tall; very tall. His icy blue eyes glittered and reflected the starlight; his blond hair covered his ears. He gave the girl a small smile. "Yes. It's Rariv. I've kept my part of the bargain. Time to keep yours, Brecca," he said in a voice colder than the coldest ice. The girl nodded, and held the velvet pouch up to the moonlight. Something inside it glowed. Rariv looked at it and scratched his chin, as if pondering the value inside. "I want the wolf first," Brecca said. Rariv smiled and stepped out of the way. A beautiful wolf stepped into the clearing. It was a massive beast, the hair on its back rising and a growl beginning in its throat. Strong, lean muscles rippled underneath the grey coat. Brecca walked toward the wolf fearlessly. "She's a strong wolf," she said approvingly. Brecca led the animal to the middle of the clearing and mounted her back. Rariv tapped his foot impatiently and held out his hand, waiting for Brecca to give him the velvet pouch. She handed it to him and rode away, laughing wildly as the wolf howled mournfully to the moon. Rariv smiled grimly and opened the pouch. His face went pale, then red with anger. “EMPTY!” he roared. “Brecca, you lying little thief!” With a yell, he searched for Brecca, but the wolf rider was no where to be seen. Neither was the dragon egg she had promised. [/pre]

[pre]why did it do that? I mean, you know, i did that 'pre' thing so the lines would be there to separate the paragraphs! How did that happen? It's all stuck together. AGHH![/pre]

OK Let me talk to you about paragraphs. When someone new talks, you don't write it like this:

"blah blah blah," Said person number one. "Blah blah blah," said person number two.

You write it:

"blah blah blah," Said person number one.
"Blah blah blah," said person number two.

and you also use taps. Another thing, a paragraph is made up of 5-6 sentences. So when you reach the 5th or 6th sentance you make a new paragraph. the only time when this doesn't count is when someone talks.

If you do this your story will be much easier to read.

yeah, i know what you are saying. when I put it in the post box or whatever this is, I could see
it like your second quote. But for some reason when I posted it just ran together! So I was really
wondering why it runs together? I'm new to this site. A newbie, a guess. but thanks for the tippy!

The moon shone brightly in the cold, dark night. Ghostly clouds sailed in the sky, sometimes covering the full, white moon. A teenaged girl in a long black cloak shivered and clutched a velvet pouch to her pounding chest. The girl scuttled across the hard, packed dirt of the road, into towering trees overhead. The girl sniffled slightly and shuffled her feet.
A white, fragile frost covered the ground and pine branches, and water vapor from a pond rose up in grey, wispy finger like tendrils into the night sky. No sound was heard, and the girl began walking through the eerie woods.
She stepped into a clearing, the full moon illuminating her pale skin. Wet brown hair circled a face with giant, haunting brown eyes, and lean, sculpted eyebrows. The girl shivered again and as a few twigs snapped she raised an eyebrow. Clearly this intruder had not been trained to be silent while sneaking around.
The intruder stepped into the clearing, and the girl's lip quivered, more out of coldness than fright. "Is it you, Rariv?" she asked warily. This man was tall; very tall. His icy blue eyes glittered and reflected the starlight; his blond hair covered his ears. He gave the girl a small smile.
"Yes. It's Rariv. I've kept my part of the bargain. Time to keep yours, Brecca," he said in a voice colder than the coldest ice. The girl nodded, and held the velvet pouch up to the moonlight. Something inside it glowed. Rariv looked at it and scratched his chin, as if pondering the value inside. "I want the wolf first," Brecca said. Rariv smiled and stepped out of the way. A beautiful wolf stepped into the clearing.
It was a massive beast, the hair on its back rising and a growl beginning in its throat. Strong, lean muscles rippled underneath the grey coat. Brecca walked toward the wolf fearlessly.
"She's a strong wolf," she said approvingly. Brecca led the animal to the middle of the clearing and mounted her back. Rariv tapped his foot impatiently and held out his hand, waiting for Brecca to give him the velvet pouch.
She handed it to him and rode away, laughing wildly as the wolf howled mournfully to the moon. Rariv smiled grimly and opened the pouch. His face went pale, then red with anger. “EMPTY!” he roared. “Brecca, you lying little thief!” With a yell, he searched for Brecca, but the wolf rider was no where to be seen.
Neither was the dragon egg she had promised.

Ooo... I know you! I just realized that from reading your story all the way through. Your on RK!! lol

I like your story, I want to know what happens next!! *goes to read the rest of of RK*

Hi, I'm izzy and I will be reviewing your work today.

The moon shone brightly in the cold, dark night. Ghostly clouds sailed in the sky, sometimes covering the full, white moon. A teenaged girl in a long black cloak shivered and clutched a velvet pouch to her pounding chest. The girl scuttled across the hard, packed dirt of the road, into towering trees overhead. The girl sniffled slightly and shuffled her feet.

Its a nice opening and sets the scene nicely, my ownly problem and by looking through your work I can see this is quite repetitive is that you use the word girl to describe your MC. It isn't too much of an issue but makes your story sound repetive, maybe use another word or phrase in some sentences. For example instead of putting "the girl sniffed", you could just put "she sniffed".

A white, fragile frost covered the ground and pine branches, and water vapor from a pond rose up in grey, wispy finger like tendrils into the night sky.No sound was heard, and the girl began walking through the eerie woods.

#

Wow, that first sentence has got some pretty good description in it. Again with the repetivness, you use "and" three times in this smal paragrpah alone.

She stepped into a clearing, the full moon illuminating her pale skin. Wet brown hair circled a face with giant, haunting brown just change one of these eyes, and lean, sculpted eyebrows. The girl shivered again and as a few twigs snapped she raised an eyebrow. Clearly this intruder had not been trained to be silent while sneaking around.

Its alright, not brilliant. You almost force her appearance upon us, it has no use in the story and feels unatural. Try incorporating her appearence with the surrounding like you did at first with "the full mooon illuminating her skin"


Its a good start, it just has little gaps and corrections. You need to work on the over use of small connectives and words but I loved a lot of your description, it really gave me a picture of the scenery and the MC.

Pm me if you have any questions