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Hey =)
I am going to critique your work today.

Some of these corrections will be general others will be matter of opinion, it's up to you whether you agree...I am just here to help =)

Lee

This has been going on for weeks!

Where is this going,If anywhere?! I just want to point out that the I in if doesn't need a capital letter

His smirk infuriates me. Nice technical language =)

The way he laughs and teases me,gets to me like..like I've never felt before!The way he stares intently at me,like he knows what's going on in my messed up head.The way he runs his hands through his hair like he knows I'll be watching.

Yet,he shows no signs of breaking it off with her. This isn't really a sentence, it would work if you chop off the fullstop after the word watching and put a commar and uncapitalised the yet and bring it into the sentence above



I want him to hold me like he holds her.

I want him to look at me like he looks at her.

I want him to let me lean on his chest,like he lets her.

But most of all,I want him to be mine,as he is hers.

Ethan

I can't help it. She's so naive and..irrestible! Irresistibly stupid..

I like how she gets so angry when I smirk at her. I like how she looks so messed up inside,when she see's me with Chloe.

I like how she's naturally pretty. No make up..Just herself.

But I don't know why I do it. I don't have an answer. Its happened before. Like one girl is never enough. Again this isn't really a sentence, it would work if you put It's like one girl is never enough!

And Lee's not even my type. She's far too.. I don't know..good. Good is a very bland word, I don't know if it's meant to be like this!

But is that why?!

Why I'm drawn to her?

-Monday 20th-

"Heey," Chloe drawled as she caught my hand. I did't I think you meant didn'tanswer, just looked at her in response.

"Amy, Lou and Sa5mI think this is just another typo are meeting the lads at the cinema at 7:00..I said you'd be with me. Yeah?!"

"I eh.. suppos.."

That couldn't be her. Lee was laughing,her thin body shaking with her effort to regain herself.And she was with a guy. Nah,I thought-only a friend..Right?

He just grabbed her hand. That had to mean something.

Fury and disappointment bubbled through me.

Wait..why did I even care?! I didn't. Who was she anyway?!

"Ethan? Whats up?!" The bell rang loudly demanding everyone to go back to class,and drowning out Chloe.

She rocketed off down the hall,her black dyed hair swaying furiously.

The cinema it was then.

Lee

He's actually really great. Hes so easy to be around,and I noticed how good looking he is too. Luke, a guy I had known all my life and my best guy friend had asked me out. Told me, he'd liked me for a while. I said yes,I don't regret it.

The only thing is..I feel like,like I said yes to make him jealous. Ethan. But I do like Luke.He makes me feel all,goey and excited but not the way I think I would feel if it was Ethan.

There I go again. Why is everything based around him?Luke's invited me to go to the cinema with him.I'm going to go. Luke is a great guy. I'll enjoy myself..

Generally I think it is really good, you just need to sort it and most of the mistakes are typo's, just gotta watch that all the sentences are proper sentences other than it really worked for me
well done xD

I liked it but all the things that was found wrong and writen in bold you should just re-edit and post it again. I hope there is more because I want to see if they ened up together, which they probably will.

Thanks for the comments.

Hello there.

I'll start by saying that this was a nice story and I did enjoy reading it.
However, I did find some stuff that put me off.

For me, my general impression was that the story was just a little rushed. You're telling me all these things like, I like him, he likes her. I like her and my girlfriend. And then Chloe and Ethan are going to the cinema. Now Lee has a new boyfriend and they're going to the cinema. These are all fine and good, but I think what you're truly lacking here is detail. Describe things to me. I got no sense of where they were or when this was happening or the real depth of these feelings they both have. I want to know the nitty gritties of the ask-out because you never told me how it happened, just that it happened. Descriptions make writing colorful and sparkling, they make the reader feel like they're right there with the characters. That was the main problem I encountered.

A lot of the grammar issues have already been taken care of, but I also feel that you have some mistakes in that department. There's some sentence reconstructing that needs to happen, some capital letters that shouldn't be there. Also, I feel when you switch points of view you need to bold the name of the person when you change it up. I was confused when you switched the first time.

I really hope this helped.
PM me when you put up the next installment or if you have any questions.
Keep writing.
Love, Jade.

I Agreed with FRAYEDjade.

i loved the sespence that you created between the characters and how you left the ending open for more thought. But i also totally agree that it does sound slightly rushed.
Maybe you could try adding more detail to the actions or expand on the thoughts. Slow it down a bit.

Other than my picking, i loved it. keep writing.
Love Georgie xxXXxx

Hey! okay,first,i totally love this story! it maybe a little cliche,but it's real.

I love the part where ,Ethan see's that Lee is having a great time with another guy.It shows how much he realized that she does mean something to him.

I hope you write some more stories,and just PM me if you want somebody to review it
~Book Person~

Well I didn't see any grammar responses so I'll just do and overall response. This was a great story and I liked how you used the point of view to give depth to the characer. Are you going to keep going with this story because it is amazing. The only thing I would change is to make the characters names I would make it bold so the reader can clearly see when you're changing the point of view.

-lilgreendots

i luvved it keep it up xD