Sloshing Wine **edited**

So, I wrote this for a contest on another site.. it was to describe a picture of a bottle, lying in the ocean. Hence the poem about a bottle. In the ocean. c:

Thanks for reading. ^^

The bottle rocked,
the waves a crib of warmth
of salty embraces and seaweed,
forgotten by its drinkers
and empty of its wine.

The echoes of lips
and red liquid sloshing
remained on the rim
of the clouded green glass,
a ghost of a night
where everything was let loose
and a wine bottle was brought
only as an ice breaker-
but another was soon bought
at a nearby
convenience store
when no ice breaking was needed.

The memories of
drunken laughs
and rough mishandlings
remain on the hourglass label,
a reminder of how
it was almost broken on the shore’s rocks
when there was a little
bit too much enthusiasm
to be had.

And the bottom of the bottle
that’s where the shadows hide,
the shadows of an old home
with fluorescent lights
and stumbling customers,
combined with the
sloshing sound of alcohol.

But those memories,
the ones with the
cash register shrieks,
have been replaced
with emerald sea water and gristly sand
and a new sloshing, more like a lullaby.

Hello,

I like all this poem apart from one bit.

The shadows of an old home
with fluorescent lights and stumbling customers
piercing sound of cash registers’ clangings
and sloshing sound of alcohol

Those four lines brought the piece down I felt. I thought you had a really strong piece and then I started the last stanza. I just don't think it suits the tone of the piece, however other than that you had another amazing piece so well done.

~Retro Disco666

I like it!

I thought you did really well with your line breaks for most of the poem, though they felt somewhat random, like you weren't really thinking about them. However, that would make them intuitive, so you seem to have a pretty good sense for those. The imagery was simple, but it worked in drawing me into the poem's world - I felt as if I was looking at a film or photo album of the bottle's life.

Punctuation was lacking in places. I feel like you were aware you needed it, but didn't want to overly break the poem's flow. I think a few strategic commas and/or dashes would noticeably improve this, for example here:

only as an ice breaker -
but another was bought

Also, I think the main issue with the last stanza, as well as this earlier line,

it was almost broken on the shore’s rocks

is that the lines are too long in comparison to the rest of the poem, and that takes the reader out of the poem's world and back into reality. Otherwise, a great piece.