And The World Ends After Them

Every ten seconds my reborn shadow fades,
taking a little bit of me with it.
All that's left are my past foot prints
and me tracing them.
As I make my voyage
I see fireflies in the trees;
like stars that have sadly fallen,
And those "Stars" bring a sort of brightness to the forest - to the world.
Undoubtedly making it better,
But...only for a terrible second
as stars die,
they fade,
just like everything else around me seems to do.

I really liked this, but it's strangely vague. Particularly the first couple lines:

Every ten seconds my reborn shadow fades,
taking a little bit of me with it.

It's obvious from later on in the poem that the narrator is walking through a forest. Is this why her shadow fades? Because the sun is patchy through the trees? What I took from these lines is that the shadow is "taking a little but of me with it" because the narrator is looking to her shadow for company on her journey. At least that's what I thought.

Also, the wording of the rest of the poem may be improved upon.

All that's left are my past foot prints
and me tracing them. This would sound better as "and I, tracing them.

I see fireflies in the trees;A comma here would be more appropriate than a semi-colon
like stars that have sadly fallen,

Sorry to be harsh. I'm going to start saying nice things now
I love your last lines, especially the very last one. It's a departure from the dreamy quality of the rest of the poem. It's as if the narrator is plunged into reality, and very harshly as well. I love it a lot!

Hi there-

I really liked this.. I think that the vagueness is not bad in this.. a rare occasion. It seems more a moment, more of an emotion that is linked to the last line, than a story. I also love the comparison between fireflies and fallen stars.. beautiful imagery. I would consider changing the first few lines, but otherwise, I wouldn't touch it. It's beautiful as it is.

Great job.

-Coral-

Hey there!

I thought this was not bad. I like the imagery in the poem, especially when you compare stars with fireflies.

CreativeFreak wrote:Every ten seconds my reborn shadow fades, I think you should take out the 'reborn.' It kinda hampers the flow here.
taking a little bit of me with it.
All that's left are my past foot prints
and me tracing them.
As I make my voyage
I see fireflies in the trees;
like stars that have sadly fallen,
And those "Stars" bring a sort of brightness to the forest - to the world. This line is too long.
Undoubtedly making it better,
But...only for a terrible second No need for an ellipsis.
as stars die,
they fade,
just like everything else around me seems to do.

Other than that, I thought that the message you were trying to portray in the poem was a little vague. I could pick up things from the fourth line onwards, but the ending was a little unclear, and so was the beginning.

Overall, not bad, just needs a little refining.
Keep writing!