I Can't Keep Secrets

Note: I cannot change the form. It looks odd, I know, but it has to stay this way for reasons I'm not going to post. If you would like to know why then message me. Sorry for not saying this earlier, I know it's harder to critique but I thought I would let you all know that

I’m sick of keeping secrets
So they never stay discrete,
Leave me be; don’t ask me
Else I will repeat.
Please don’t stand beside me or
Talk to me on the phone,
Walk the other way
I need to be alone.
The truth will not stay secret
However hard I try, you
Must do me a favour
And never ask me ‘why’, as
Telling me a secret is
Telling me to lie.

There is a second part to this poem. Read it here, if you like (although the pieces can stand alone):
I Kept A Secret From You

I like the concept of the poem, but sometimes the flow is off.

First Stanza

I’m shit at keeping secrets
So they never stay discrete
Leave me be; don’t ask me
Else I will repeat.

The only curse word in the poem seems to serve no purpose. I'd replace "shit" with "bad." Better to save curse words for a more appropriate time. The third line in the stanza seems awkward. I wish there was a better way for me to explain it.

Second Stanza

Please don’t stand beside me, or
Talk to me on the phone
Walk the other way,
I need to be alone.

It seems like this is an expansion of line three from the first stanza, but I'm not exactly sure what the reason is for this stanza. Is the goal to say "Don't let me eavesdrop on you?" or is it just "I'm tired of listening to you?" Also, the "or" at the end of line one looks like it is just hanging there. Maybe you can start line two with "Nor?"

Third Stanza

The truth will not stay secret
However hard I try, you
Must do me a favour
And never ask me ‘why’, as
Telling me a secret is
Telling me to lie.

I would reorganize it so that there is one stanza of four, followed by a couplet.

So it would look like this:

The truth will not stay secret
However hard I try
You must do me a favour
And never ask me ‘why.'

As telling me a secret
is telling me to lie.

You may have noticed how I moved "you" and "as" to the next line. The comma acts as a pause. In poetry, that pause usually means the start of the next line. It makes sense to just put them on the next line. "As telling me a secret" might be rewritten "For telling me a secret" instead.

I guess if you're terrible at keeping secrets, it's best to just go ahead and say so, eh? Haha. I liked this, as I liked its sequel. It's a little unclear at times exactly what you're tallking about, perhaps a little more substance wouldn't hurt.

Warrior Princess wrote:I guess if you're terrible at keeping secrets, it's best to just go ahead and say so, eh? Haha. I liked this, as I liked its sequel. It's a little unclear at times exactly what you're tallking about, perhaps a little more substance wouldn't hurt.

To be fair, the secret is right there in the poem Just very well hidden. But it does actually say it right there. It won't mean anything to anyone else I'm afraid, but that's poetry for ya! I just hope people take away other things from the poem, if they're anything like me and suck at keeping secrets!

Thanks both for your comments, I take everything on board and really appreciate you taking the time to read and critique my work, so thank you.

@Griffinkeeper I took your advice and removed the swaring at last. Thanks for the advice!

This is rather captivating. I especially love the end, and I think you have a natural talent at writing poetry.
It's also very easy to relate to, for some. There are plenty of times in my life where I've had to lie for somebody, or even myself, in order to keep a secret. I never actually thought of writing about it, and I'm glad that you did.

There could be so much more to say, because it is a very open subject, but in all honesty, it's perfectly fine the way it is. The flow is a little iffy, but not so much that you really need to change it. All in all, this is very well done. Keep up at the writing ;D

Thank you so much

I really liked this poem. I akm going to take each grroup of two lines, and give you my feedback on them:

I’m sick of keeping secrets
So they never stay discrete

I love the way these lines both have the same number of syllables. I think it makes it flow well.

Leave me be; don’t ask me
Else I will repeat.

There's way too much punctuation here. Change the semi-colon to a comma and take out the period at the end of the second line.

Please don’t stand beside me, or
Talk to me on the phone
Walk the other way,
I need to be alone.

I clumped these because they flow well together. One thing I would say, though, is you might want to take away the 'or' at the end of the sentence and have the next line be:

Don't talk to me on the phone.

I feel like it would sound better if you did this.

The truth will not stay secret
However hard I try, you

Take out the 'you' and move it to the start of the next line.

Must do me a favour
And never ask me ‘why’, for
Telling me a secret is
Telling me to lie.

Remove the 'for' althogether. I love this ending, though, the repetition is perfectly used.

Overall, this piece is amazing. You defiently get a metemorphical gold star from me.

Keep Writing,

Kay

I love the idea you chose. I really haven't seen a lot of poetry written about keeping secrets.
One thing I like is the fact that you touched a very soft spot, a thing that really upsets me.

Luvzi12 wrote:The truth will not stay secret

Why do people hide the truth? Well at least most of the time.
All in all, I liked it. Keep them coming.