A Morning's Thoughts

So this was just an outpouring of thought.. stream of consciousness writing type of thing, which I've never done before. Unfortunately, all of my indents disappeared. :c



The rain came down gently, the rain came down hard. It seemed to caress the contours of my warped glass windows like a newly found lover, while at the same time, I could hear it ravaging the street below, as if scolding it for letting people walk all over it all the time. I still lay in bed, the window open next to me, letting the cold wander in and embrace me upon reaching my sheets. After the humidity, it felt godsent. I flopped over to my stomach and slid my arms under the pillow, closing my eyes, enjoying the cold and the sound of the rain. Stray drops would plummet through once every while, iciness jolting me from a half asleep, somewhat catatonic state. Words wandered through my head, little glimpses of thought fled by, and then I thought of nothing. Nothing but the rain, and the cold, and how much I had missed it during summer. Nothing but the sharp noise it made against the building, a contrasting harmony from the waterfall lullabies higher up in the sky.
I wonder if they sing. If they have thoughts when they plummet to the ground. Something like the whale from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, a bit confused but enjoying the ride. Or maybe they’ve been through the motions so often, it’s just routine, and gets boring for them.
I wonder if they take pleasure in falling on people.. if they like making people run inside or not. Or absently reach up and wonder what fell onto their head, only to look up and groan at the clouds. Maybe they feel guilty. Maybe it makes them sad, and they love the occasional person who will actually go out to greet them.
God, I want to go in the rain so badly. Like.. right now. I just wish that we didn’t live in the middle of the city.. the rain gets so gross here... I miss real mud. The clean mud.. pure dirt and water. No leftovers from people that were too lazy to throw their shit out. I miss being little, and playing in the mud. Or playing soccer in the mud, where you couldn't keep your footing, and everyone went home and got yelled at by their parents. Totally worth it. That was awesome. Another drop.
Goddamn that’s cold.. makes me feel alive. I should probably get up. But the rain, and wind.. I don’t need to be up for a while. I rolled onto my side, taking my hands out from the pillow. They were growing too warm. I faced my open window, double panes knocking against the walls in their mistreatment.
It’s like they’ve declared war on the window panes and walls. I love it.
I wish I could do that.. plummet from the sky, break into a million pieces.. join all of the others in a puddle. Probably some interesting conversations there.. little drops that have traveled all around the world. Don't even have to pay for air fare. But I bet people who jump into you would hurt. It’d be worth it. Maybe.
I wonder if evaporation is painful. Nevermind. I think I'm okay just watching them.
I had no doubts that the rain was alive.. it never occurred to me to question that.
I slowly allowed it to lull me further, from my peaceful serenity of nothing but worded thoughts, into a state closer to sleep. And then, another raindrop, and another jump. It was just so cold.

Hola Coral!

Here as promised! I have to say, I really adore this piece. Rain is my favourite weather. Actually I'd prefer a deliciously moody, rainy day over a sunny one. I've also written countless poems and observations about rain, so I found this piece especially relate-able. There were parts where I was really pleased to see a feeling or emotion that I found I could relate to on a deep level. It piqued it perfectly. There were other parts where your observations of rain were quite new and different from something I would have never thought of. That was especially interesting because I got to experience it from your perspective. You successfully illuminated your observations and your perspective. This piece was filled with mood and eloquent wordings. It was a luscious, delicious mix of weather and mood. I felt the eloquence diminishing somewhat towards the end though.

I find it difficult to critique stream of consciousness writing. There isn't necessarily a structure, and doesn't have to have one, I guess. A part where you were recalling past memories set itself really apart. Like, it didn't flow smoothly with the rest of the writing.

God, I want to go in the rain so badly. Like.. right now. I just wish that we didn’t live in the middle of the city.. the rain gets so gross here... I miss real mud. The clean mud.. pure dirt and water. No leftovers from people that were too lazy to throw their shit out. I miss being little, and playing in the mud. Or playing soccer in the mud, where you couldn't keep your footing, and everyone went home and got yelled at by their parents. Totally worth it. That was awesome. Another drop.

You went from smooth poetic writing to colloquial writing. I understand you used italics to set it apart. I can see why. These flow of thoughts are another layer, separate from the previous layer. However, I personally don't like how you went about doing it. The way the thoughts are presented is an abrupt halt, an interruption from the previous flow. Also, they don't really set mood. The parts in bold are the parts I don't like. The underlined are the ones that I like a lot. So, perhaps writing in a way that is more similar to the underlined parts will not disrupt the flow.

Another thing, I don't like the constant use of ellipses. I understand this is supposed to be a stream of consciousness and we usually think in unfinished phrases and thoughts, but just putting a period instead of ellipses will make the phrases more powerful, more statement-like. I'm not suggesting eliminating all the ellipses, because they can add to the mood. But I think you should use them sparingly.

For example:

I wonder if they take pleasure in falling on people.. if they like making people run inside or not.

I wonder if they take pleasure in falling on people. If they like making people run inside or out.
Using a comma would be more correct.
I wonder if they take pleasure in falling on people, if they like making people run inside or out.

I think what you're trying to do with the ellipses is to sort of show the fading in and out of thoughts. Ellipses are not always necessary for that. Also, there are supposed to be three dots in an ellipses. Not two.

In conclusion, this piece started really powerfully, with a whelming, engulfing, astutely worded mood. There was beautiful, poetic flow with thought-provoking ideas beautifully woven in. Towards the end, the thought-provoking ideas were still there, but the mood and poetic flow was not. I want it to end the way it started.

I still lay in bed, the window open next to me, letting the cold wander in and embrace me upon reaching my sheets. After the humidity, it felt godsent. I flopped over to my stomach and slid my arms under the pillow, closing my eyes, enjoying the cold and the sound of the rain. Stray drops would plummet through once every while, iciness jolting me from a half asleep, somewhat catatonic state. Words wandered through my head, little glimpses of thought fled by, and then I thought of nothing. Nothing but the rain, and the cold, and how much I had missed it during summer. Nothing but the sharp noise it made against the building, a contrasting harmony from the waterfall lullabies higher up in the sky.

Gaah! Beautiful! I just love this part. On the whole, this is a very refreshing piece.

Hello.

A rather nice piece you have here. One recurring grammar mistake I spotted was your use of ".." It should be either one dot for a period, or three for an ellipsis. The way you're using the two dots, as a trail-off, makes me think you're meaning to use an ellipsis.

Second thing I noticed was the sharp changes in tone that happened mid-way through the work, and sometimes between sentences. You'll go from a very surreal, ethereal tone to a very coherent statement. It acts sort of like the rain, for the mid-sentence changes. But when whole paragraphs change tone it can be slightly jarring and make the work lose some of its beauty.

Finally, despite this being a really interesting piece to read, and interesting concepts, there doesn't seem to be much of a point. It works as something good to get ideas out on paper, but in order to really stick it'd be nice to see some sort of tension in the thought process. Conflicting images or some purpose to the images would help make readers get pulled along a bit more. You do have some purpose to the images, but it's given so late that it reads as very much an afterthought. If you weave this purpose behind the image into the work earlier, then the piece will feel like there's reason behind it and be a bit more sticking to a reader.

Overall, there are some lovely ideas here, but I find they need to be a bit less stream-of-conciousness and a bit more organized.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Hello there!
I'm going to try reviewing you today, because I really enjoyed this story.
Sadly I'm not very good at reviewing and English isn't my first language, so I'm just going to try my best.

To the good points first then:

-The fact that you are only writing about your thoughts and your feelings is amazing.
Often people think they have to squash a whole action packed thriller into a two paged story, which I find never works out.

-What i also loved is the fact that you wrote about something very simple. Rain.
I personaly find that if you have a simple theme/subject you can be much more creative.

-Your thoughts were all very origenal and interesting. Either philosophic or funny or just a very special way of looking at it.

...And I absolutely loved this part: (Sorry , but I don't know how to quote , so I just copied it.)

"I wonder if they sing. If they have thoughts when they plummet to the ground. Something like the whale from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, a bit confused but enjoying the ride. Or maybe they’ve been through the motions so often, it’s just routine, and gets boring for them."

Maybe it's just because I've also read the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and I know exactly which scene you're talking about, but it really gave me the feeling that this person was just having random thoughts on a rainy day which makes it all the more realistic.

I also know what Mizz meant though about changing your writing style from poetic to colloquial, but I also see your point of trying to show a difference between thought and storytelling.

Anyways... I don't have anything more to say actually, except that I really enjoyed this piece.
Hope to read stories of yours again and good luck
Skermitz.