It all crashed down around me

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1853
Reviews 130
Basically, I'm not a poet, I'm a novelist. That's why it seems like if I feel like I need to write something poetic, it comes out like this: LONG.
Spoiler
This is my reaction to the conclusion of Mockingjay. I finished it last night (couldn't put it down) and afterwards, I had all these emotions that I needed to get rid of and voila! This poem was born! Please feel free to rip it apart. I really have zero skill at detecting the intricacies of poetry.



It all crashed down around me,
I feel my mind is lost.
The world was once a boundary,
Except the line was crossed.

I opened my thoughts to wander,
The tracks they seemed so bright.
I cannot help but wonder,
Why the stars they shine at night.

Does heaven ever ponder,
On the realms it govs so fair?
Are the angels ever tired,
Or do they sleep up there?

As it fell around me,
Those thoughts I once did hold.
I felt the thousand kisses,
Of whispers in the cold.

They warned me of the trials,
Of pain and suffering there.
I heard them tell me, child,
Don’t fret over us up here.

We do not need your pity,
We feel not loss or shame.
The world is all a witness,
We live to play the game.

The tongues of scions old,
Of majesties of late.
The olden ways of history,
The waxen test of fate.

I shuddered when they told me,
Those giant lords of doom.
That we are all a testament,
To how each heart makes room.

I am not a person,
Yet person I must be.
If all the world cries out,
You are you, I am me.

But how can we sing,
When the world is dying fair?
When the trees are choking,
From bitter loss of air?

I cannot see too far,
Cannot cast my eyes,
My vision is confronted,
By those who me despise.

They call me out as traitor,
Cast me from my throne,
Burn my only picture,
Raze my family home.

I’m told it’s for the best,
That it’ll only last a while.
Before they move to a new one,
A fresh topic to defile.

Am I only talking?
The wind of stagnant air?
Or am I making sense?
Is there any comfort there?

I do not ask for pity.
Like those voices from above,
I only ask for patience.
I cannot ask for love.

A time will come when darkness,
Descends upon my land,
The world will shatter starkly,
With what we hold in hand.

Perhaps you’ll see it coming,
That waste of precious hope.
Perhaps you’ll feel the time,
As you are slipping down the slope.

Will you cry out in anger?
Fear for that you lost?
Or will you mutter softly,
About the ultimate cost?

I fear the time has neared,
That my destiny is at hand.
Will you remain silent,
As you take your last stand?

Hope crumbles only,
When the last leg is gone.
Angels ring the last sound,
Trumpets loud and long.

Maybe we can find at last,
That final scope of truth.
That tiny grasp of innocence,
We strangled in our youth.

Swiftly how she falters,
That Soul that we forgot.
Can we champion salvation,
When we scorn what we are not?
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 719
Reviews 562
Personally, I think that this was done well.... I'm not a huge fan of rhyming, but it wasn't awful in this. You had some subtle rhymes, which work. The tone changed towards the end, and it was quite long, but this was good, especially if you don't do poetry too often. I would try to have more relateable concepts in the future with poetry... emotions and metaphors are key. You want the reader to be able to be there, in the poem, to have them really connect.

Nice job altogether. c:

-Coral-




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12208
Reviews 463
Honestly, I lost interest halfway through. If you could shorten it it would be better.
Test




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 323
Reviews 83
I really love this poem. Even though it is rather long, I really think that you captured the soul of this piece. I do love rhymes, so this poem won me over immediately.
Avatar (c) to Thalia - A great friend of mine




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1070
Reviews 17
I loved this poem! If it was any shorter, I would think it were unfinished. I loved that you rhymed but subtly so. With some rhyming, it takes some of the emotion out of the piece, especially with darker pieces, but I think you rhymed but kept the original emotion.
I almost felt like it was a Christian type piece. Not sure if you meant for that but I loved it all the more.

I look forward to reading more of you :)

XO Change
The only constant in our lives is Change.

Revelations 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eye. There will be no more mourning or death or pain. There will be no more crying for the old way of things has gone away.



It's funny how humans can wrap their mind around things and fit them into their version of reality.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief