Russian Roulette

He passes me the gun and the metal feels cold and smooth in my hand.
I take a steadying breath and hesitate for only a second, you wouldn't have noticed unless you were looking for it.
You couldn't show fear with these kinds of people.
I hold the revolver pointed towards the wall next to me and with my free hand spin the cylinder.
I count until it stops.
1..
2..
3..
4..
5..
6,
it starts to slow and clicks into place.
Everything slows down just like the cylinder had, it's like time stops.
I bring my hand up and suddenly the small steel weighs a hundred pounds.
It takes forever for the weapon to get to my head but once it does it's almost a relief to feel the frigid barrel press against my scorching temple.
I look to the man sitting across from me,
never taking my eyes off him and just before I'm about to pull the trigger,
he smiles.....



Okay, So how can this be better? Give me some feedback, please
Thanks SOO Much!

XChangeX

Hm. I had to think about this writing piece for a minute. I like it. It's very interesting.

My favorite part was

XChangeX wrote:It takes forever for the weapon to get to my head but once it does it's almost a relief to feel the frigid barrel press against my scorching temple.

There's so much detail, and it creates a great mental picture. The gun coming to your temple, almost in slow motion. Maybe a slight sigh of relief, and a sweat drop drip down your temple where the gun is placed firmly. It's.. great. I'm not sure what else to say.

You need more punctuation. punctuate, punctuate, PUNCTUATE. There's SEVERAL places where commas, semi colons, or periods could be placed to add a more dramatic effect. If you were to add more commas, it would read better. The increased sentance fluency would really boost the quality of this writing piece. Try reading your writing outloud to yourself. Everytime you pause, or take a breath, add a comma or a period. Once you get good, and can mentally time out your pauses, add a semi colon where ever you're trying to add two ideas together, and the pause when you say it outloud will be longer than a comma pause, but shorter and a period pause. It'll make your writing easier to read and understand.

Hi there


I would consider lengthening this a bit with some more emotional description, and perhaps some descriptions of the others around them. Or are there any others around them? Has anyone else done it before him?
I would also add in some commas. Maybe make some of the sentences run ons and maybe make some of them super blunt and short. Use sentence length to reflect the pace and the character's emotions.

Overall, this was a nice piece.. I think it could be added onto throughout the piece, but otherwise... great job.

-Coral-

What up?

Great poem, I love the description and the pure emotions.
You give perspectives to small details, such as that 'small hidden breath'. Nice.
Yet the way you shape your work is like you're writing a story, not a poem.
The sentences give good detail, yet are some too long and some too short.
For a good poem, they should be of the same length, or have a visible pattern.
You should try shortening your sentences for dramatic effect, especially since your poem is about a very heart-stopping moment.

Take:

it starts to slow and clicks into place.
Everything slows down just like the cylinder had, it's like time stops.
I bring my hand up and suddenly the small steel weighs a hundred pounds.
It takes forever for the weapon to get to my head but once it does it's almost a relief to feel the frigid barrel press against my scorching temple.
I look to the man sitting across from me,
never taking my eyes off him and just before I'm about to pull the trigger,
he smiles.....

If I were to write it, it would go:

The barrel slowed down,
And the seconds felt longer,
As I felt it click into place,
I brought my hand up,
The gun heavy in my sweaty palms,
It felt like forever to wait,
maybe too long perhaps,
as I suddenly felt relief,
for reasons beyond me,
when I felt the cold barrel,
pressed hard at my temple,
my own hands pointing,
my own will aiming,
my own life at risk,
I look into the distance,
past the smiling man,
past the metal door,
I see flashes before my eyes,
a series of photographs,
of family, of friends,
of sweet, of bitter,
of love, of hate,
of life.

I pull the trigger.

Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am not trying to prove myself or anything. I'm just saying that shape is important in poetry, especially if you want to create a dramatic effect.

Hope to see more from you
You have great talent, work on it!!

Thanks so much for your reviews. I didn't really revise this before I posted it. It's been on my blog for awhile. I like allot our ideas, all of you. I'm definitely going to work on this. Maybe make it a short story?
You will definitely hear more from me
Thanks again

XO Change

Wow, I found this poem a bit disturbing, illustrating what very likely were the speaker's final moments. Your detail and tension are both very good. One thing I would suggest is that you use present rather than past tense. That gives it more immediacy, makes it sound more like the speaker is actually experiencing this and less like he's looking down from heaven and describing his death.

Who said she died? That's what this is about, nothing ever truly ends. Just like this poem didn't have a definite ending, anything could have happened. It could have clicked and been passed back to the other person playing and he died, or she could have pulled the gun on him when she knew the bullet was in the chamber, or possibly, she died. We will never know the ending because there isn't one, just another chapter

Hum... I really like the content of this, I mean, you're very creative and use vivid descriptions and stuff. But as it is, it feels more like a bunch of words mashed together - STRUCTURE PLEASE! I'd suggest you try dividing your text into stanzas, and as someone said before me; Shorten down your lines to make it more dramatic. I like the ending, it gives a hint of hesitation and thus hope!

Overall, good work but please put some structure into it xD

3/5 icky spiders so far, but this piece has got potenital!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness