The Brat's Package *edited*

The alleyway spoke of trouble. Thrashed advertisements and posters peeled away from the walls in an attempt to warn me off, to bar my way in feeble protection. I inwardly scoffed and continued my path. Dumpsters lined the walls, indeterminable stench rising, forcing me to acknowledge what world I was stepping into. I already knew. Shadows loomed high in the dark, reminding me of the shadows I had yet to meet. I had met worse before.
Nevertheless, my hands grew too hot in my jacket pockets from sweating. I was nervous, despite having gone through this routine dozens of times in other alleyways. I removed them casually, and pulled my coat tighter across my chest. The hat I wore suddenly felt foolish, pulled across my face like some 50’s gangster. What was I doing? Playing the fool for some stupid kid, whose parents had some money?
Just what had I been reduced to?
I felt the lines set in my face of grim determination. Shit. I was really going to do this.
My shoes made little sound in the midst of all the filth. I couldn’t help but cringe when I thought about cleaning them off. Why did I wear my nice loafers? Who knew what lay in the grime beneath me? I might want to stop off and get some WD-40 for a job like this-- if I could even find anywhere open at a time like this. The open end of the alleyway interrupted my thoughts of shoe-cleaning, reminding me that tonight, I had larger concerns than shoes, no matter how expensive they may be. This was where my guy should be.
I hesitated, not seeing him, and almost leaned on the wall beside me, before I realized how disgustingly filthy it was. It was a bit brighter over here... the alleyway opened up into another little one, two dead ends laying on my sides. There were no exits, but that usually wasn’t something I really needed. I wasn’t that much of a badass.
Almost as if to prove my self deprecating thoughts of safety, I jumped when a hand clamped down on my shoulder, barely suppressing a rather-feminine squeal of fear. I darted forward, and turned, only to have my fear dissolve into helpless laughter.
“Bobby? Bobby! What’re you doin’ here? You scared the shit outta me.” A relieved smile met a grinning friend. A friend who apparently frequented grimy alleyways, in the bad part of town, in the middle of the night. Well this oughtta be interesting.
“I’m pretty sure I’m doin’ whatch yer doin’ here.” He smiled broadly, stretching his two slugs of lips across a couple rust colored teeth. Bobby wasn’t what you’d call a looker. His small eyes laughed in weathered skin. “Yer here fer the package, then?”
I nodded in response, still finding the whole situation hilarious. I put off the package for another moment. “When’d you get into this kinda business then, Bobby? I didn’t know you were into this shit.”
He smiled. “Y’ know how it works. I got no job. This works just fine fer me.”
I smiled back at him again. “Believe me. I know how that is. Okay, well, here’s the package.. Guess I should go then. The Brat might get antsy.” He nodded, and pushed it into my hands. “Good to see you, Bobby.”
He nodded. “Good luck.” I looked down at the package, and by the time I looked back up, his bulky form was turning the far corner of the alley. I smiled to myself, and then chuckled. I’d never survive a day in Bobby’s shoes. Not with how I jumped.
I followed him out, still laughing, and tucked the smallish rectangle under the crook of my arm.

I have a lot of questions. I don't know if you were intending to write more of this, but it seems incomplete to me. What's in the package? Drugs? Who's the "brat"? What happened to your MC to bring him so low? And how about his friend?
It feels like these guys have more to say about themselves. I'd recommend giving them more back story.

I really liked your description and dialogue. I could picture the setting clearly, and I could almost hear them talking out loud. It was very realistic. You know sometimes people go overboard with the swearing when they write out a conversation but you had just the right amount to make them sound like real people. I think my absolute favorite description was of Bobby's "two slugs of lips". That gave me a vivid--almost too vivid--image. Good job with that. Let me know if you write any more of this.

Hey

I like this a lot. I was really drawn in from the first sentence, you described the setting very vividly and it felt like the main character had a distinct personality. Was this intended to be the opening of a longer story? Because if it's that it works really well. I at least would want to read the rest of it. But as TheEnigma said if it's just a short story then it seems very incomplete. You raise a lot of questions about who the MC is and what they're doing in this alley, and introduce a mysterious friend as well, but you don't really explain anything. It doesn't feel like it's reached its destination, it feels like it's setting up for something more.

Small nitpickey things:

who’s

- whose

Just what had I been reduced to?
Some jackass in need of money.

I don't think you really to put an answer to the question because the questions seem rhetorical, and you've already established that they need money from "Playing the fool for some stupid kid, who’s parents had some money?". Before the answering statement the questions seemed to be showing the character's genuine feeling of desperation and, for me, the answer reduced that feeling. I mean, I suppose it goes with the determination that comes next, but... I guess what I'm trying to say is that the MC's feelings jump around from nervous to a little bit complacent to more nervous to foolish to desperate to determined all within the first few paragraphs and it might be more realistic if you chose one attitude and stuck to it.

Almost as if to prove my safe, but self berating thoughts, I jumped when a hand clamped down on my shoulder, and, my anxiety tripled in a moment, darted away and looked back to see what was about to kill me.

This is just a matter of opinion but to me it feels like putting the 'and' between two commas slows the sentence down when what you want here is to create suspence. Maybe you could rephrase this? Also, I'm not sure about 'safe, but self berating thoughts'. If that's referring to the "I wasn't that much of a badass" part a bit earlier, I would say that's more wryly self-depracating than self berating to be honest. The MC doesn't really sound angry in the part leading up to this remark. Thinking about it, I'm not sure "almost as if to prove" really fits either. It makes it sound as if the character is jumping to prove it to themselves, when that's not what they're doing at all, they're jumping out of surprise. Maybe you could put "As if in answer to" or something more like that?

still finding the whole situation hilarious

You say this, yet you haven't shown that the MC ever was finding it hilarious. All you've said is that they gave a "relieved smile".

Smiling to myself, chuckling at this small bit of humor,

I would go with either "Smiling to myself at this small piece of humour," or "Chuckling to myself at this small piece of humour" because they're either smiling or laughing but can't really be doing both at once.

Anyway, as I said, I thought this was well written and I hope you do expand on it 'cause this story could definitely become something more.

gotta few questions here. who was the brat? and what was the package? how big was it? where was she besides a dark alleyway? besides these, i thought it was a good story. the way you described everything put me in the story. i could imagine the place as new york. and i could imagine bobby. but i still wish i knew the answers to the questions that are unanswered. otherwise, this was still a good story.-d.f.b. out! keep writing.

p.s. love your prof. picture k. i watch scrubs.

Hi Coral! It's me again. =)

Dude, I love your writing. I won't really be able to comment much on the plot because I feel you're going to add more to this. I really don't have a full picture and the ending left me confused.

Smiling to myself, chuckling at this small bit of humor, I followed him out.

See the problem with this is that the we don't understand what would be so humorous or strange about this incidence. Either you give us more background information or some sort of an explanation (no info dumps please). If you're planning on writing more, and you've purposely left out the information at this point to kind of hook the writer, I don't think it's working. I like the way you never info dump in your story and we find out things little by little through the narrator's thoughts and his dialogue. I love that most about your writing! We get to know so much about your character. But a little more information would be helpful.
I lurv the characterization! You have such a strong and interesting voice narrating the story. I liked the shoe-cleaning part, though I think you stretched it out too much. It can be a little shorter and more concise. Actually that whole paragraph is problematic. Let me break it down:

My shoes made little sound in the midst of all the filth. I grimaced in the expectation of getting home and cleaning them off.

That sounds awkward.

Why did I wear my nice loafers, when I was coming here? Who knew what lay in the grime beneath me? Who wanted to?

"When I was coming here" is unnecessary and halts the flow of the sentence. Also, I don't actually have a legitimate reason for getting rid of "Who wanted to." I just don't like it. I just thought I'd point it out for reconsideration. "I shuddered at the thought" or whatever, may better describe what you're going for. I feel that question tries to imply a certain disgust, but doesn't pull it off so well. Try something else, though I don't think you really need anything else. The disgust has been established pretty well. Okay! I can see I'm getting too worked up on a simple phrase. On to the next thing!

I might want to stop off and get some WD-40 for a job like this. If I could even find anywhere open at a time like this- the open end of the alleyway interrupted my thoughts of shoe-cleaning, reminding me that tonight, I had larger concerns than shoes, no matter how expensive they may be. This was where my guy should be.

Okay, I would reword that as:
I might want to stop off and get some WD-40 for a job like this--if I could even find some place open at a time like this.The open end of the alleyway interrupted my thoughts of shoe-cleaning, reminding me that tonight, I had larger concerns than shoes, no matter how expensive they may be.

Yes?

“Yer here fer the package, then?” I nodded, still finding the whole situation hilarious.
I put off the package for another moment. “When’d you get into the business then, Bobby? I didn’t know you were into this shit.”
He smiled. “Y’ know how it works. I got no job. This works just fine fer me.”
I smiled back at him again. “Believe me. I know how that is. Okay, well, you got the package. Guess I should go then. The brat might get antsy.” He nodded, and pushed it into my hands. “Good to see you, Bobby.”
He nodded. “Good luck.” I looked down at the package, and by the time I looked back up, his bulky form was turning the far corner of the alley. Smiling to myself, chuckling at this small bit of humor, I followed him out.

Waaah? Who has the package and who gives it to who? See first I thought both of them were there for the package--meaning neither of them had the package. And then when the narrator says "Okay, well, you got the package. Guess I should go then," you seem to imply that he gives the package to Bobby and that his job is done. But then Bobby gives the package to the MC who looks at it thoughtfully in his hands. But I'm sure I've got that wrong. I think Bobby had the package the MC was there for. Yes? Yes! Makes much more sense now. I can see how I misinterpreted that sentence. But, see it is confusing! Make you can make it more clear as to who has the package. It will also be easier for us to understand the strange humour that the MC implies. Actually, we also need to know a little more about the "the brat" before hand, so we can understand the pleased and surprised reaction of the MC at Bobby having showed up instead. We also need to get anxious of the expected "brat."

Apart from such confusing technicalities, this is a superb piece for it's excellent characterization and writing style. Great job!