Shooting Heroin (14+ Perhaps)

I’m shooting heroin
up to the stars
and my pockets all full
of bottlerockets and rainbows
ready to light the sky up
with my dynamite stick vengeances.
Yes
I’m ready for some
serious fireworks
some displays of beautiful rage
written across that pale
midnight gray pallette.

I’m shooting heroin
like the gangsters shot the cops
on all those old black and white
screens.
With a smile
of sweet satisfaction
cause that nice piece of destruction
is what I really needed today.

I’m shooting heroin
like a little boy
with a bb gun
and a backyard full of squirrels.
Nothing but grins and bullets
and perhaps a bit of regret later.
But who cares to think of that bit now?

I’m shooting heroin
finding my needles
in the grimy gutters,
graciously donating my arms as
homes to the lost.
What they really want
is a vein to cuddle up to.
Well here I am
ready to do some community service.

Yeah-
I’m shooting heroin
and really looking forward to my release
into the brimstone and fires
finally burning these
fucking chemicals
out of my system.
Nothing like going cold turkey in Hell.

That was a crazy poem. It really played with my imagination, which I loved

Persephoneia wrote:I’m shooting heroin
and really looking forward to my release

^^^

That was the only line that didn't seem to flow with me.
Nice work
~Kit

Wow. That was... Heroin- ee? It made me uncomfortable, and that is the beauty of it. It started with ecstasy, then spiraled down into dirtiness, Just like how I imagine the Heroin experience to be... Sad Day.

Whenever I review something, I like to give a suggestion on how (in my opinion only) to make it better. In this particular work, I would suggest giving it a rhythmic scheme. A rhyming scheme would probably make this piece sound forced. You might even consider having a rhythmic scheme in the first stanza, then having it fall apart as the poem progresses.

I would say good work, but this poem has such a painful vibe that I think it would be disrespectful to say that.

Well, First of all I'd love to say that you are a wonderful writer and I do love your work.

It seemed to not flow really nice. The word choice was different, I liked that you repeated the title at the begining of every paragraph though.

As said before, it made me feel uncomfortable and almost made me freaked out. It was almost ehh "dark." Awkward would be another word I would use to describe it.

Persephoneia wrote:like the gangsters shot the cops

this line really scared me cause I've had bad experience with gangsters randomly on the streets. Though it is kinda real.

FLyerS wrote:It started with ecstasy, then spiraled down into dirtiness

Agree completly. ( Sorry if you take this review the wrong way, you're a F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C writer at least. )

Overall, creepy yet potentially great poem : )

- Jessica
P.S. Feel free to drop me a message any time!

Hey Persephoneia!

I like this poem a lot. The speaker's candid attitude and honest acknowledgement through out the poem was enjoyable. The repetitive use of words like "yes" and "yeah" established that attitude effectively. However, never having actually experienced heroin I found this poem especially interesting. I mean, I'm trying to gain an understanding of something I have never experienced. But I think without prior encounters jading my experience of this poem, I'll be able to review the poem better.

I’m shooting heroin
up to the stars
and my pockets all full
of bottlerockets and rainbows
ready to light the sky up
with my dynamite stick vengeances.

The word "stars" establishes the image of a night sky. Rainbows lighting up a dark sky is a beautiful picture!

Yes
I’m ready for some
serious fireworks
some displays of beautiful rage
written across that pale
midnight gray pallette.

The word "serious" doesn't do anything for me here. Well, it does make the style of the poem more conversational, but I don't really take away too much from it. I feel I would like "beautiful rage" but the word "beautiful" is not doing the concept justice. The idea of rage being beautiful is really appealing. But, perhaps a word other than "beautiful" to describe this would be more effective. Something that pins that rage better than "beautiful"? It's just a suggestion. Also, I'm assuming "pale midnight gray pallete" is the brain.

I’m shooting heroin
like the gangsters shot the cops
on all those old black and white
screens.

Well this paints an effective image, but there's a bit of a grammatical problem here. When I first read this part I thought you meant the speaker is shooting heroin on those old black and white screen in a manner similar to the gangsters who shot the cops. What you actually meant was shooting heroin in a manner like the gangsters who shot the cops on the black and white screens. Yes? See how dual meanings can interpreted? A simple comma would solve this issue though.

With a smile
of sweet satisfaction
cause that nice piece of destruction
is what I really needed today.

Words like "nice", "serious" and "beautiful" tend to annoy me in poetry. I can't make up my mind how I feel about them in this poem though. I mean, they do make the poem more conversational, and give the speaker of the poem more personality. These words make the poem seem candid and sort of casual. At the same time you have some very eloquent images. Words like "nice" and "serious" really contrast those images. They sort of stand out for me. But maybe that's not all a bad thing? In a way the mix of the two styles gives it a good touch. I guess it's up to you.

I’m shooting heroin
like a little boy
with a bb gun
and a backyard full of squirrels.
Nothing but grins and bullets
and perhaps a bit of regret later.

I love the comparison!

I’m shooting heroin
finding my needles
in the grimy gutters,
graciously donating my arms as
homes to the lost.
What they really want
is a vein to cuddle up to.
Well here I am
ready to do some community service.

This is probably my favourite stanza in this poem. You've effectively portrayed the intimacy, attraction and attachment of the speaker to the heroin. I can sense the satisfaction, familiarity and the release of relief in this poem. I especially love "what they really want / is a vein to cuddle up to".

Yeah-
I’m shooting heroin
and really looking forward to my release
into the brimstone and fires
finally burning these
fucking chemicals
out of my system.
Nothing like going cold turkey in Hell.

The tone has slightly changed here. There were hints of dislike through out the poem towards the heroin, but it comes out really strong in this stanza. There's bitter hatred in this stanza. To be honest, I quite like the use of "fucking." It adds so much. Bitter. This stanza is very bitter. The passion, wonder and appeal of the above stanza is replaced by contempt and bitterness and a touch of wry sarcasm. It's quite powerful. I love the last line. Great way to end the poem!

: D Hi again! I just have to let you know that my reiew was kinda harsh for my liking, sorry! I guess I was in a bad mood. Sorry again, I apologize. : ) Nice poem, you rock!

- Jessica

I like the poem, pretty tough topic, but you showed feelings and stuff very well in this poem!
Keep on writing stuff like this.

Nathalie

You know, I couldn't quite get into this poem.

I didn't think it was badly written, and I think that your word choice and overall temperment during this piece is exacting, but it just didn't flow for me. There was no real rhythm to it, and that made it feel stilted and difficult. If I hadn't had to chew my way through this, I think I would have really enjoyed it--you have an excellent balance here.

and perhaps a bit of regret later.
But who cares to think of that bit now?

This line...annoyed me. I think the fact that you are preemptively explaining everything to the reader has gotten tiresome at this point. I would love to see you leave a little more to us--to have enough faith in your audience to explore the deeper, darker sections of this poem more thoroughly and with less direct explanation.

It isn't bad of course, and I like your subject matter. I just think it could use a little tweaking! =)