Daughter

too short of shirt
but too long of laces
un-brushed hair
and rainbow braces
two piercings on the ear
and one on the lip
sticks to cigarettes
and doesn’t do dip

surrounded by people
but wants to be alone
locks the door
doesn’t pick up the phone
hates the fruits
yet loves dessert
quite a big mess
but if she weren't...

she wouldn't be my daughter

Love this.. you have a great rhyme scheme, and while not entirely subtle, it doesn't need to be. Some poems just need that sort of thing to really work.

The imagery and characterization in this piece are amazing.
It's very simply written.. concise, straightforward, but so informative. The last five lines, while wrapping up the poem nicely, don't really seem to carry on the same tone. I would think about rewriting that bit, while still conveying the same information.

Great piece.

-Coral-

First, even though this is a poem, punctuation is still very important. For capitalization, you can either capitalize every line, or the beginning of every sentence. I've seen it both ways, and am not sure if there is a right way to do it. I always capitalize every line.

I'm going to add in punctuation in green.

Hibiscus wrote:Too short of shirt This just doesn't sound right. I'd do either "a shirt" or "of shirts". As it is, it sounds weird.
but too long of laces.
Un-brushed hair
and rainbow braces.
Two piercings in the ear Technically the piercing is in the ear. It did pierce the ear. ... Wow, I feel like such a know-it-all. :l
and one in the lip.
Sticks to cigarettes
and doesn’t do dip.

Surrounded by people
but wants to be alone.
Locks the door
doesn’t pick up the phone.
Hates the fruits This is kind of awkwardly phrased. I'd change it to "Hates to eat fruits," or something similar.
yet loves dessert.
Quite a big mess,
but if she weren't...

she wouldn't be my daughter <- I really love this line. ^_^

Okay, so this is really cute. I like the rhyme scheme and the... cuteness of the word choice. This is definitely something I could see a dad describing his feelings for his daughter--except, I can't see a dad writing such a cute poem, but the way he talks about her, he clothes and her food choices and such.

I wish I could be of more help, but this really is a good poem and I can't think of any way to improve it other than to add punctuation, which will make it easier to read. I officially *like* this.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hm, I like this. I don't quite get the "daughter" thing, maybe you could tell us a little more about the person whose daughter she is? BUt the girl is pretty well characterized, though a little more info couldn't hurt, am I right? But overall I liked.

O.K. I haven't read the other reviews so sorry if I repeat anything.

Hibiscus wrote:too short of shirt This just doesn't sound right, maybe: too short a shirt.
but too long of laces I don't get this, if she has too short a shirts and too long of laces the word "but" should be and.
un-brushed hair
and rainbow braces
two piercings on the ear
and one on the lip
sticks to cigarettes
and doesn’t do dip The rhyme lip and dip seems really forced. The fact that she doesn't eat dip doesn't really matter.

surrounded by people
but wants to be alone
locks the door
doesn’t pick up the phone
hates the fruits Hates the fruits?
yet loves dessert
quite a big mess
but if she weren't...

she wouldn't be my daughter This really finishes it off.

Overall, I like it, but you are trying to hard to make it sound a certain way and it comes out confusing. It also sounds kind of choppy. In some parts that is O.K., but in others it isn't. I would read it out loud a few times and just listen. Try to put yourself in someone else's position. They are clueless of what you are trying to say until you spell it out for them. this poem would be fine if you were writing it for yourself, but needs a few touch ups if everyone else is going to understand.

I would like to see some grammar and capitals at the beginning of your sentences.

Hope I helped,
A. S.

Can I just say I disagree with almost everyone? This didn't need capitals. It's good how it is.

The rhyming of 'lip' and 'dip' does sound forced. Also, I didn't know what you were talking about with 'dip'. Then I read Calligraphy's review and felt stupid.

When I first read 'too short of shirt' I thought it said 'skirt'. Maybe this would've made more sense?

Overall I loved it. It reminded me of me.

Dip doesn't really sound forced to me, and cigarettes and dip go hand and hand, their both tobacco products.
I overall liked it, although I would like to know whose eyes were looking through here? Mother or Father? Or were you thinking of how your parents would think of you, or did it just come to you?
But this was definitely a nice piece. Loved the rhyme scheme.

XO Change

I love this poem.

This 'daughter' seems like a very interesting person.

Maybe you can make it more interesting by making a comparison with the parents, maybe showing differences in perspectives of the same things. Or maybe you can give more detail on the character herself?

But overall I love the poem, because it's short and sweet, the lines connecting nicely.
And I love the last 3 lines. classic.

Keep making more poems!

I wasn't too sure on the lack of capitalization, but I after reading it a few times, I really just decided that, 'hey, it's her choice' and I liked it. The poem is well written and I like the overall tone, it has a very pronounced rhyme scheme, but again, I like it here. The only real thing is that I don't particularly like the way that the last four of five lines just stand out so blatantly, and don't blend. I feel like they should follow the original tone of the piece more.
Other than that, I liked it a lot. It was short, but I feel like much longer would have detached from it.
Good job!