Ice Cold Fire Forward

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Going back through some old stuff is always fun isn't it? I'm changing this up a bit and hopefully I caught some grammar mistakes. I got a lot of good reviews on this even though at first I didn't like it that much. But I've grown to like it a lot more now and if I can get some support on this novel I might just post more of it. But for now it seems to be forgotten and pushed back. Comment and enjoy.

The Baby In the Box

Emma could hear the sounds of mobs raiding the streets. She heard crashes, saw things start on fire, and heard screams. She had never been more scared in her life. She knew exactly what they wanted. They wanted all the witches in town hung and destroyed forever.
The year was 1796. Word had gotten out that there were witches walking among them, so the governor has issued that they all be burned or hung. They destroyed anyone that was suspected or accused.
Emma held her baby in her arms closer. She had a secret. She had been both suspected and accused. Once they found her they would destroy both her and her baby. She couldn't let that happen. She looked down at her sleeping baby boy, Nathan.
His father had left a couple weeks ago when he had found out Emma was a witch. And he had refused to have anything to do with “her” child.
She never wanted to hurt anyone. She just wanted to live a normal life with her family. But she knew she could never have that again. Once they found her they would show no mercy. They didn't even care that Nathan was just a small child, which was one of the things they weren't supposed to do any harm to.
She jumped when she heard her front door being kicked down. They were here. She had to think really fast, and the only thing she could think to do was run down to the basement. She hid in a concealed corner, holding Nathan close to her. She looked down and saw that he had woken up. He looked at her with his bright blue eyes. They were his father's, because her eyes were green.
She heard someone come down. She couldn't let them see her, so she quickly moved around to avoid whoever it was. She found a corner she was sure they wouldn't look in, and huddled down. But then Nathan started to cry. She tried to calm him, but it was no use. She was sure whoever it was could hear them now.
She saw a figure move toward them, and then they grabbed Nathan out of her arms. “No, please,” she pleaded. “It's me you want, not him. He's just a baby. How could he hurt anyone?”
“Emma calm down,” she heard a scratchy voice say. “Do you want them to hear you?”
She looked up and saw her ex-husband, Richard. She noticed Nathan had stopped crying, and now he was just looking around at everything. She stood up and looked Richard in the eyes. “How could you do this?” she asked him. “How can you kill your wife and your own child? He comes from you, so why would you want to kill him?”
“I don't want to hurt you or Nathan,” he told her. “I'm here to help.”
“Why would you want to help us? You're the head witch hunter for crying out loud.”
“Yeah well Nathan is my son. I don't care if I'm the head or not, I have to do what I know is right.”
“Well then what do you want from me?”
“I can hold them off so you and Nathan can get away. I'm the head, so of course they'll listen to me. Once it becomes safer you and Nathan can come back.”
“Safer? These people are crazy. It will never become safer. They'll kill me and Nathan on the spot if they find out I'm a witch.”
“I know,” he said. “But I have faith everything will turn out alright. But you just need to get away for now.”
He handed Nathan back to her and she ran. But she saw the rest of them just at the top of the stairs, so she ducked under the steps and tried to keep Nathan quiet.
She could hear Richard up there trying to distract them. But sadly she could hear that his plan wasn't working. He tried to tell them that there was no one down here but they didn't believe him. Then she heard them try to get passed Richard. Now she realized she had no choice. She couldn't let them hurt Nathan, so she knew what she must do. She set Nathan down and grabbed a pen, a paper, and an envelope. As quickly as she possibly could she scribbled a note.

Dear Sir or Ma'am,

If you are reading this you have already found my son. I love him but he needs to be protected. I need someone who can take care of him until I can again. But there is one thing you should know about him, he is a witch. But I will take care of that later on in his life. Please take care of him and love him. Do what I sadly can't do right now. And thank you so much.

Signed,
Emma Haul
His mother


She took the ribbon out of her hair and used it to tie up the envelope. She grabbed Nathan and gently placed him in a wooden box on the side of the room. She gently sung to him as he fell back to sleep. She placed the envelope on top of him and gently closed the lid to the box.
Then she put her hands on the box and began to chant something. If someone came over and didn't know what she was doing, they would think she was cursing the child. After a couple minutes she took her hands off the box and heard the mob come down the steps. “Ha, I told you there was someone down here,” one of them said.
“Grab her!” another one yelled.
Emma didn't try to fight. They grabbed her and dragged her up the steps. When they got to the top, Richard look at her with sad eyes, as if trying to say I'm sorry. “Is there anything in that box?” one of the men asked. Richard started to panic and ran down.
“No,” the other one replied as he opened the box. Richard stood frozen in place, completely confused with what just happened. Nathan wasn't in there?
He looked back up at Emma. “It's okay,” she told him. “He'll be safe.”
Then they dragged her away. The second they left Richard ran to the box. He opened it and looked everywhere. Then he searched through the rest of the basement, but also couldn't find anything. He went down on his knees and started to cry.

Brandon quickly ran out of his office. He pushed the button on his keys and heard his car beep in reply. He grabbed the door handle of his car and got in.
The year was 1994. Brandon was old, but still young at the same time. He was only in his thirties. He had short brown hair and brown eyes. He had wrinkle lines to show that he was stressed a lot, but still had a full head of nice looking hair. He hadn't found his first gray hair yet. He was in his midlife and working a job he hated. But he hoped all that was about to change today.
“Hey Brandon,” a guy said that was walking down the street. “Are we still going to play some cards on Saturday?”
“I would love to talk, but I'm in a huge hurry.” Then he shut the car door as the guy just looked at him weird.
He started the car and drove off. He was in such a hurry that he started to speed up. He didn't realize how fast he was going and then heard the sound of police sirens. He looked behind him and saw a police car. “Oh no,” he said as he pulled over. “This is not what I need right now.”
The officer came up to his window and he rolled it down. “Sir,” the officer said. “Were you aware of how fast you were going?”
“I'm sorry officer,” he replied. “I'm in a huge hurry so can we make this quick?”
The officer gave him a mean look. “No. Now can I see your license and registration please?”
Brandon sighed. Then he took the papers out of the glove box and handed them to the officer. He went back to his car as Brandon just sat there. He looked at his watch. “Oh she's going to kill me,” he said to himself.
About ten minutes later the officer came back with a ticket. “Learn to slow down,” he told him. He handed him his papers and the ticket.
“Okay thanks,” Brandon said as he grabbed everything and quickly drove off. The officer just shook his head and got back into his car.
Brandon kept driving, this time making sure he was going the speed limit. He stopped for a red light. “Come on change,” he said impatiently. Once it changed he took off again. He drove a little further ahead and saw a lot of traffic. He made a dead stop and then put his head down. “I'm doomed,” he said as he shook his head.
About an hour later he finally arrived at the hospital. He went up to the lady at the front desk, who was busy going through papers. “Yes, can I help you?” the lady asked as she looked up from her papers.
“Yes,” Brandon said. “I have a wife named Lorie and she came in because she was in labor.”
“Last name?” she asked.
“Maze. Her name is Lorie Maze.”
She began to go through a huge stack of papers, and finally stopped at one. “Yes Lorie Maze. She's in room 158A.”
“Follow me please,” another lady said as she came out from behind the counter.
She brought him into a maze of hallways. She kept turning and occasionally going straight. Brandon was amazed she could keep all these hallways straight. They finally arrived in the nursery, stopping at one of the first doors. He walked into the room and there Lorie sat on a bed holding a baby boy in her arms.
“I'm so sorry I'm late,” he said as he ran over to her and the baby.
Lorie was a fairly pretty woman, with dark hair and hazel eyes. She didn't look the best right now since she was just in labor, but she still had a smile on her tired face. She was barely paying attention to him; instead she was focusing on the baby. He was really tiny, with a tuff of black hair on his head. Holding him in her arms she looked like the proudest mother in the world.
“It's okay,” she told him with a smile. “I mean you only missed your only son's birth. That's not a big deal at all.”
“Well you know it really wasn't my fault. First I got pulled over, then I got stuck in a couple traffic lights, and then there was tons of traffic-”
“It doesn't matter Brandon. The important thing is your here now.”
Brandon sighed. Lorie was in an amazing mood. And he knew why, she had finally had the baby they had been trying for for years. He knew nothing could ruin this day for her. She could finally be the mom she had always wanted to be.
“Can I hold him?” he asked her.
“Of course,” she said as she handed the baby to him. He held the baby in his arms, also feeling like he was on top of the world. It was just so small and fragile. It was like something you were afraid of breaking, so you wrapped it up in tissue paper to be extra careful. “I already filled out all the paperwork. We already agreed on his name being Maxamillion Jordan Maze.”
“Sounds good to me,” he told her. He looked down at Max and noticed something funny about him. He looked more closely and realized he wasn't breathing. “He's not breathing!” he shouted to the nurses on the side.
They acted really fast and grabbed the baby. Then they dashed out in a second, leaving Lorie and Brandon alone.
“Oh no,” Lorie said. “I hope he's alright.”
“They're professional doctors,” he assured her. “They probably have incidents like this all the time. I'm sure they have some sort of technology that will save him.”
“I hope so,” she said, trying not to cry.
They sat there for a good two hours, then a nurse finally came back in. “I'm sorry,” she told them sadly. “But we couldn't save him. I'm very sorry for your lose and I hope you and your family will be alright.”
Brandon couldn't believe it. He was this close! Now the baby's gone and he would never get to be a father. He held Lorie in his arms as she sat next to him crying her eyes out.

Later that night Brandon was in his kitchen talking to one of his friends. They were supposed to be playing cards, but all Brandon had been doing was talking about what had happened. He didn't pick up his soda all night. “Maybe I'm not meant to be a father,” he told his friend, Ryan.
“Oh come on you shouldn't think that way,” Ryan told him. “I know you are. You just have to be patient. There's still more time.”
“Patient? I've been patient for ten years and look where it has gotten me. We've tried every doctor in the state, and Lorie's been on all kinds of pills. We're obviously not meant to be parents. We would have succeeded by now if we were.”
“You know what you and Lorie need? A vacation. You guys need to go on a nice vacation to get away from your problems.”
“Oh come on Ryan,” Brandon said. “Running away from our problems isn't the answer.”
“Just hear me out. A nice cruise maybe. They have them all over the place. Just make sure you find one with an all you can eat buffet. Those ones are always the nicest.”
“I hate boats, and Lorie got sea sick on the last one she went on. Then her sister fell in the water. It was disastrous.”
“Then maybe somewhere else,” Ryan suggested. “There are plenty of options.”
“No,” Brandon said as he got up and left.
“You know what!” Ryan shouted to him. “Sometimes you can be so stubborn!”

“Well I think that's a great idea,” Lorie told him the next day when he had told her what Ryan had said. “I mean it would be a great way to relax. But no boats. We don't want another repeat of last time.”
“But Lorie I don't want to go on a vacation,” Brandon said. “I have way too much to do here. I'm already behind on my work and there's so many things I need to fix around the house. It's just not possible for me.”
“Oh Brandon, we could go to the beach.” She didn't seem very interested in what he just said. “It's been years since I've sunbathed. We could go on one of those beach tours. You've seen the commercial haven't you? Go to all the beaches in the West Coast in only a week. That would be so fun!” Brandon shook his head. “Please Brandon,” she begged. “After everything this is exactly what I need. It would be perfect.”
“Whatever,” he told her. “I guess if it makes you happy, we can go.”
“Oh thank you,” she said as she gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I'm going to start packing right now.” Then she ran upstairs.

A couple weeks later they had Max's funeral and then they went on the beach tour a couple days later. But it went terrible because all it did was rain the entire time. They were about three days into the tour and Lorie looked just as miserable as Brandon did. They were just sitting on a bus watching the rain fall and listen to a guy talk over a loud speaker.
“And if you look to your left you'll see Cotton Beach. They call it that because the sand is so white and soft it looks like cotton,” the tour guide said over the speaker as he pointed out the window.
“But not today,” Brandon told Lorie. “Today it's just mud.”
“I'm sorry Brandon. I know this trip has been terrible. But I didn't mean for it to rain. You can't really go on a beach tour with rain. I guess I should have checked the weather forecast first.”
“Oh it wasn't your fault. But I think that guy up there is enjoying this weather. Remember when he asked us all to get up and do the rain dance?” Lorie laughed just thinking about it.
“Well I'm afraid there's been a change in plans,” the guy said over the speaker. “We were supposed to go to Rocky Beach but the weather kind of told us no. So instead we found an old house that gives out tours. I'm sure you guys will all enjoy that. And it's inside, so you'll stay dry.”
“Stupid weather,” a guy in the seat behind him said. Lorie and Brandon turned to look at him. “You know this is the worst weather we've had in a long time. And it's not just in the city, but also the entire state. That hasn't happened in forever. It's crazy.” Lorie and Brandon just gave each other wow looks.
They soon arrived and got out of the bus. They both had to run to stay out of the pouring rain. But just being in it for the seconds it took to get inside the house got them soaked. Brandon heard a crack of lightening in the distance that made him jump.
Lorie walked over and saw pictures covered by glass. Brandon followed her and they began looking at a picture of two men standing side by side looking rather serious. The one of the left didn’t catch her attention, but there was just something about the one on the right. For this picture being taken when it was, the guy himself was very nice looking. He had all the perfect features with the short luscious dark hair and perfect teeth. She knew she was married, but she couldn’t help but feel like she was a teenager again that thought a boy was cute. She laughed at herself as Brandon gave her a strange look.
The next picture she looked at was one of a young boy. He couldn’t have been more than sixteen, and he had a really sweet smile with medium dark hair. She couldn’t help but feel like there was a connection to these two, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. He was the only one smiling of all the pictures and he was standing alone. She smiled when she looked at the picture, although she wasn’t sure why. Brandon came up behind her and looked at it weird. “Are these the people that used to live here or something?” he asked.
“Maybe,” she replied.
“They must be long dead by now. In fact, they must have great-great grandchildren. It’s just a shame they had to give up their home to the public. Do you think that the young one is his son?”
“Probably,” she said. “I guess they do look alike.”
“Well I don’t see much resemblance, but why else would he have a picture of him in his house? Obviously they have to be related in some way.”
“Maybe they just know each other.”
“Maybe,” he said.
He looked around and saw a tour guide that was ready to start. “Welcome everyone,” he said. “Right now you are all standing in a very old house. It's probably dated clear back in the 1790s. It was during this time that people were accused of being a witch and were hung. Many people died at this time because of it.”
“Oh that's lovely,” Lorie told Brandon. “People are such idiots.”
“You don't believe in witches?” he asked her.
“No I don't,” Lorie replied. “And I think it was horrible how they murdered women and their children like that. It was stupid.”
“Well if they were a witch I think they deserved it. I mean they put curses on people.” Lorie gave him a look. “I'm just saying is all. It's history Lorie.”
“Well history has been stupid before. Witches. That's ridiculous. It was just there way of trying to get rid of unruly women.”
“And here you will see the hallway,” the tour guide continued. “Can you imagine someone running away from mobs that have come to destroy them?” Lorie shook her head.
“I would not have been able to live back then. I probably would have been accused as a witch because I would have put them in their place.”
“I would have been able to, because I'm not a witch.” Lorie just gave him another look.
“Now come on and step into the bedroom,” the guide said.
But while everyone was going in the bedroom, Lorie was lagging behind. “Hey what about this door?” she asked Brandon quietly.
“I don't know,” Brandon replied. Then she opened it. They saw a set of old creaky stairs.
“Wow,” she said as she headed down them. “Imagine the history of this place. Maybe we'll find some interesting stuff down here.”
“Lorie no,” Brandon told her as he pulled her back. “Those things don't look very supportive. They could easily break and you would get hurt.”
“Relax Brandon,” she said as she went anyway. She went down until about the fourth one and then it broke. She came tumbling down and landed on a hard cement floor.
“Lorie are you okay?” Brandon asked as he ran down the stairs, carefully avoiding the one she fell on.
“Oww my head,” she replied. “But yeah I think I'm okay.” He got down to her and saw that she looked alright. She just had a bruise on her right cheek because that was what she fell on. She slowly got up and brushed it off. “It was just a little fall is all.” Then she looked around. “Wow, what do you think this is?”
“Probably a basement.” Lorie looked at what looked like an old pan. She could see her reflection in it when she dusted it off. “Lorie, I don't think it would be wise to touch things,” he told her.
“Look a brush,” she said as she ran over to a small table. She picked up an old brush.
“I wouldn't suggest using it.” Just as he said that they both heard a huge crack of lightening. They both jumped from the sound. “That sounded really close,” Brandon said. “Maybe we should go. What if this house gets struck by lightning? It would probably come tumbling down and kill everyone in it.”
“Brandon shush,” Lorie told him. She listened very closely to something. “Do you hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“There it is again.” Brandon listened closely. “It sounds like a crying baby.” She followed her ears to an old box. She took off the creaky lid and couldn't believe what she saw.
“Oh my goodness Brandon!” she shouted. “It's a baby!”
“A what?” he said with big eyes. She held up the tiny baby for him to see. “Oh wow it is. But we shouldn't get involved.”
“Are you saying I should leave it here?”
“Well no but... just put the lid back on.”
“No way!” she yelled.
“Whoever left it here obviously didn't want it, so we shouldn't interfere.”
“Brandon don't you have a heart? This infant was abandoned.”
“Well yeah I do,” he said. “But Lorie this isn't our child.”
“It's a helpless infant in distress,” she said as he held him in her arms. He stopped crying immediately and looked up at her with big blue eyes. She gently rocked him in her arms and he fell right to sleep. “Oh poor thing. He looks like he's not more than six months old.” She looked down at what he was wrapped in and saw that it was a hand sewn blanket. In the corner she made out the words Nathan Haul. “It looks like his name was Nathan. But if his birth parents didn't care enough about him to keep him or not abandon him then they shouldn't care enough to name him.”
“Nathan?” Brandon asked. “That name is so old. No one names their kids that anymore.”
“Plenty of people do.”
“Well I wouldn't name one of my kids that.” He took a closer look at him and saw that he had a little bit of blonde hair. He felt lucky that he wasn't crying. “So Lorie what do you plan to do with this child?”
“I could take him to the family services center,” she replied. “I'm sure they could find him a great home.”
“Okay. And how do you plan to explain to the tour guide that you found a baby in a box, in a room that's off limits to visitors?”
“Oh I will,” she said as she headed upstairs.
“This should be interesting,” he mumbled to himself as he followed her.

The next day she did just as she said she would. “This is one of the saddest stories I've ever heard,” the women told Lorie. “Leaving your child in an old box. And in an old house in an off limits room of all places. What if no one found him? He would just die there. That would have been even sadder. It's very lucky you guys found him. Thank you. You know you are allowed to adopt him right?” she asked with a smile.
“Adopt him? Really?” Lorie asked all excitingly.
“Lorie no,” Brandon said as he sat up straight.
“Oh come on Brandon. Haven't you always wanted a son? And considering we can't have any children adoption would be perfect.”
“We can have children. We just have to keep trying.”
“How long are you going to keep telling yourself that? We have to face the truth.”
Brandon looked down and then said in a whisper, “As long as I can.”
Lorie just shook her head. “Yes we would like to adopt him,” she told the women.
“Okay then we can get started with the papers,” the women said as she pulled out a stack of papers.
“Brandon,” Lorie said. “I named Max, so you can name this one.”
“I don't want to name him,” he said as he folded his arms.
“If you don't name him I'll just call him Nathan like his name used to be.”
“Okay fine,” he surrendered. He always wanted a son named Austin, but was too shy to bring down Lorie's Maxamillion name. “How about Austin,” he told her.
“Austin? That's perfect. Austin Andrew Maze. I like it.”
Last edited by stargazer9927 on Thu Mar 24, 2011 1:19 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Let's eat, mom.
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Hi Stargazer! I'm here to review your story this fine evening. C:

1. Okay, first things first. Presentation. When I clicked on to this story, all I saw was this huge clump of text. When posting a story, there should be a little button underneath the text box that's in charge of the layout. Click story and it'll put lines between your paragraphs for you. Trust me: it'll make your story look a lot better and more readable.

2. My second point: This is a little long, I thought... If I'm honest, I haven't read all the way to the bottom. I got to the bit where they lost their baby (I'll come to how you handled that later) and began to wonder how long this post went on for. Me, I'm not good at sitting down and concentrating on things for too long. So my mind began to wander. To fix the length, I'd suggest posting first to prologue (the bit with Emma - which is a great name by the way ;D) and then post the following chapters separately. like, Ice Cold Fire Forward -ch. 1 or Ice Cold Fire Forward [1].

3. Language. I noticed you used things like
“Why would you want to help us? You're the head witch hunter for crying out loud.”
Yeah well Nathan is my son. I don't care if I'm the head or not, I have to do what I know is right.”

The bits in bold are the phrases and everyday language I don't think they would have used in 1796. It feels way too modern for me. If I were you, I'd try and find authors who based their story at around about that time and see how their characters talk in it. I can already think of one book off the top of my head. Um, let me raid my bookshelf and see if I can find it for you. *Runs to her trusty, old bookshelf* Gosh, I haven't glanced at this book in years! I've grabbed the first in a trilogy for you: Fear Games by R.L. Stine. It follows two girls: modern day April and not-so-modern Katerine who lived in 1680, accused of being a witch. I don't know if it may be a little ... young, though...

4. Glancing over your prologue again, it feels a little tell-y. Here's a great article to combat this. Showing and Telling. But what I think would be best is rather than telling us outright the year, you should just put it at the top of your story, especially seeing as it's just for the prologue - I'm sorry if it's not a prologue and is actually a first chapter, I just assumed it was a prologue, sorry! - and the rest of your story will be modern-day.

Here's what I'm on about:

Forward

1796


Emma could hear the sounds of mobs raiding the streets. She heard crashes, saw things start on fire, and heard screams.


5. The sheer lack of emotion when Lori and Brandon lose their child. It was almost comical. Which is not at all good for such a horrible scene. It's what caused to think "okay, I've had enough now. Let's just review." Seriously, at times, you might have well have just put: Their kid died and they felt bad. I'm being a bit harsh because this is a horrible thing to happen to parents. I've seen it with my own family, so let me tell you,
Brandon couldn't believe it. He was this close! Now the baby's gone and he would never get to be a father. He held Lorie in his arms as she sat next to him crying her eyes out.
is actually a little insulting. The same can be said for:
He looked more closely and realized he wasn't breathing. “He's not breathing!” he shouted to the nurses on the side.
They acted really fast and grabbed the baby. Then they dashed out in a second, leaving Lorie and Brandon alone.
“Oh no,” Lorie said. “I hope he's alright.”

This leaves me incredulous. Their child may have just died in their arms for all they know and that's all she has to say? She might as well be talking about the waiter who dropped a tray on his foot, not about her son possibly dying right now. Plus there's the fact that she sounds like a character in a three year old's book. Please add more emotion and drama in this scene. Don't think "oh never mind about that baby, they're going to get my fantastic main character soon!" Please, don't do that. Imagine yourself in their situation. That should make your characters more realistic.

On the plus side.... Your speech tags are great. Your "their" and "there"s are fine. And you have a FANTASTIC idea for a story. Seriously. Once you've sorted out a few things, you have a verrrry promising story on your hands. And it's because of this that if you put more up or edit this or whatever, please give me a PM and let me know. I'd love to see where this is going.

I know it might look like I've pointed out quite a few things, but don't feel bad or anything. Two of the points are just presentation alone. That said, I do hope you take on board what I've said, especially the part about your characters' emotion.

I wish you lots of luck with your story, Stargazer! And I hope to see more from you!

~EmmaJane~
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

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Hey,

I love the whole idea. It looks great. But there's always something nit picky, isn't there.

O.K. First of all, like the review before me, you need to break it up. Leave gaps between the paragraphs cause I think indents get erased.

they all burned or hung.

that was suspected or accused.

The "or"'s are kind of close together and when I read it, it didn't flow as nicely as it should.

She looked down at her sleeping baby boy, Nathen.


When I read it I immediately switched it round in my head to make it flow better and, for me, it creates a bit more emotion.
I changed it round to: She looked down at Nathen, her sleeping baby boy.

the only thing she could think to do was run down to the basement. She hid in a concealed corner,

O.K, here I got confused. (This could just be me reading it wrong) Has she actually gone down to the basement or is she just hiding round a corner? (Like I said that could just be me.)

I love the early twist. Nathen's father is the head witch hunter but doesn't want to hurt them, very nice. You don't see an early twist very often.
I also love the twist on the date, switching between the years. I find that hard to do but you pull it of very nicely.

The tragic part about the baby dying adds to the early twist bit again. *Love the name Maxamillion by the way*

But it went terrible because all it did was rain the entire time

Here I would add just a bit more description.

O.K WOW! The end of this is amazing. You just have too continue.
Overall, apart from the few points I made, it is one brilliant piece. Keep it up!

X BlackRose X




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when you wrote: "She brought him into a maze of hallways," I don't think maze was the best word choice, since their last name is maze. In the same paragraph, you wrote: "She kept turning and occasionally going straight." I don't think that sentence makes complete sense. Instead of putting: "since she was just in labor," you should put since she had gone through labor. It makes more sense. "since she was just in labor," sounds like she's still in labor, kind of. When she says, "It doesn't matter, Brandon. The important thing is your here now," you used the wrong your/you're. There are some missing commas when Brandon and Lorie are talking. The part where they realize the baby's not breathing is a tiny bit akward. How did they not realize the baby wasn't breathing sooner? Why did the baby just stop breathing? I didn't finish it, but I will come back and finish it later. Good story.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
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Thank you!

I actually wrote this A LONG time ago so I'm sorry about the grammar. You won't see things like that in my newer stuff. This was a novel I wrote last year and even though only four chapters are on YWS I have thirteen on my computer. But it's good to know someone likes it. I suppose if I decide to post more I'll have to go back and edit the chapter I want to post:)

But you're almost to the end of this if you're at the part where they lost the baby so no worries. But thanks for the review!
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




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Oh and I know I suck at emotion. I had someone else tell me that when I first posted too and I asked them what they thought I should do to make the part of the baby dying sound better and she said I should just cut it off because that's what she did because she sucked at emotion too. If you have any ideas I would love to hear them because I'm having a hard time figuring out how to show her concern when they take the baby out. I've absolutely never lost a baby before so I wouldn't know. I thought her crying at the end would show some, but I wouldn't know for sure.
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D



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