Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Anyone have any ideas where I should go with this? I'm up to any suggestions! Thanks

"It's coming," The fragile old woman said dryly. The younger woman looked at her in disbelief.
“So soon? Are you sure it’s not a mistake?” She said in her silky voice.
“You dare question me?” She yelled with amazing strength for such an old woman.
The young woman bowed her head. “I’m sorry.” The lady softened her gaze and placed a wrinkled hand on the young woman’s’ soft cheek that had a striking resemblance to porcelain.
“You are the only one who can stop it from killing everything. Imagine this world without life. No plants or animals, no humans or dwarfs, no us,” she said in a hushed voice. “Only you,” she repeated, pushing a piece of silver hair behind the girls’ ear to reveal her stunning blue eyes. The girl nodded. “I know.”


Her long sleeves and train fluttered out behind her. Her inhuman speed would get her to her destination much faster than a normal human could on foot. She saw the bridge coming up; the thin wooden boards would be the only thing keeping her from falling the hundreds of feet to the bottom of the canyon. As she came up to the edge of the cliff where she expected a bridge, she instead found a string of wood hanging from one edge. She skidded to a stop, showing no grace for an elf. She narrowly escaped falling and stopped to catch her breath. It's coming, she thought. Looking back, she saw the blackness already creeping over the landscape and cursed in Elvin.

The dark mass looked as if it were alive. It surged forward in parts like probing tendrils. It melted even the tallest trees. Deer, rabbits and other small woodland creatures were running as fast as they could to escape, but to no avail. They were getting smothered one by one. Feeling their pain, she did what she promised she wouldn’t.
“Averida casanaga,” She whispered. The black mass slowed at her use of magic, giving the animals a chance to get away. She knew most of the smaller animals wouldn’t be able to clear the ten foot gap though. She knew that it wouldn’t be long before it reached the small cottage that she had come from. Hopefully her mother had made it out in time. Shortly after she began to feel drained from the extraordinary feat she accomplished. Using magic came with a great price. She looked back to the gap before her. Seeing no other way, she backed up and ran as fast as she could then jumped, praying to the stars and the moon she would make it to the other side.

Short piece... concise. I like it. c:

I would consider adding in some more description. The description that you had was nice, but I think it could have been a bit more subtle in places, and could have furthered the plot a bit more when you used it. There were words that you could omit as well, to keep up the tone. When you add in more words than necessary, it slows down the pace of the piece, and that's not what you want in an a short action scene like this one. It's important that what you write be articulate.
Also, you should change "excaped" to "escaped". Probably just a typo.

Nice write. c:

Coral

I like this, but it feels... unfinished. More like a prologue than a short story. I like the idea of her rather jumping off a cliff than facing the darkness, and I think that it grips the readers, though more description could do a better job of it. Overall, this is nice, but short and the fantasy aspect of it holds little meaning to us, as though it was used simply because it explains away the cliff jumping and urgency.

I'd consider expanding this, to at least a longer short story. If you do decide to, mind PMing me so I can look at it?

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hey Funkyreg

"It's coming," She said dryly. The young woman nodded her head. Withough withoutanother word, she turned and began to run. Her long sleeves and train fluttered out behind her. Her inhuman speed would get her to her destination much faster than a normal human could on foot. She saw the bridge coming up, the thin wooden boards would be the only thing keeping her from falling the hundreds of feet to the bottom of the canyon. As she came up to the edge of the cliff where she expected a bridge, she instead found a string of wood hanging from one edge. She skidded to a stop, showing no grace for an elf. She narrowly excapedescaped falling and stopped to catch her breath. It's coming, she thought. Looking back, she saw the blackness already creeping over the landscape and cursed in elven then looked back to the gap before her. Seeing no other way, she backed up and ran as fast as she could then jumped.

Like your previous reviewer I also feel as though this is a bit unfinished, there are so many unanswered questions and a great cliffhanger. 'The young woman nodded her head' seems a bit awkward. why was she nodding her head if she was the only one there...It also makes me think she's a little bit unhinged. I also think that you could introduce us to the character a lot more than you did here, show us her flaws, her likes , her dislikes, make us care about her and what might be her impending death.

What exactly is the darkness? I have no clue what it is, or why she is running away from it, make us -the readers- fear this darkness. I feel like I just got a lollipop and the minute I opened my mouth the have a taste of it someone snatched it away from me. Your character is elven and graceful but what does she look like?

Nice, funkyreg101. I suggest putting in a little more description, and maybe some dialogue. You could definitely make this longer, and i would like to know where your character is trying to go.

That was slightly blah and empty.
There was no emotion, and thats what you need with a piece that short.
Also, slow it down a tad. It seems sort of rushed.

I'm harsh. Sorry.
Questions? Concerns? Comments?
PM or write on my wall!
~KIt

It's better, it gives us more of an idea of what's going on and the urgentness of the situation. Still, I think you could expand on this more. It still feels like it should be longer. I'd consider giving us an ending; right now it feels like you've posted part one, yet without writing, or even planning, part two.

We want to know what happens. We want to know how it ends up. We have a major cliffhanger and are asking major questions, yet I feel like you have no intention whatsoever of answering them, and it's never good to have questions you know you won't answer.

Also, this, overall, is a nice piece, but I still feel like it could use more imagery, more descriptions, just to make it more realistic and interesting. Maybe tell us of how she almost trips over a tree root in her mad scramble, or about the way that the darkness sucks away all light, all life, overtaking the sky, arching upwards, where not even the heavens are safe. (Okay, so maybe I'm elaborating farther than you show is even plausible, but still.) Descriptions here would only add to the story, making it seem real, which makes us more nervous about the outcome.

loveness, ultraviolet

Better. It's good. Could still use some more descriptions, but it is better. Also, I didn't know that you were making another part before, so that's some of the reason for the things I said. I can't wait to see how this turns out. Please, PM me when it's out.

It's very magical. It was like I was there, watching her. I like your use of words to describe the black mass as if it was living.

This was kinda... Short. That's one word for it. If you're not planning to develop this into a novel or something (that's what I thought it was at first), make your story longer. This kind of idea doesn't really work for a short story. I'd make it into a novel-but hey, it's your choice.

Another word for it: Blah. (I know, it's not actually a word.) More description,please. More emotion, and slow it down. It was too rushed.

Where did this Darkness come from? Was that old woman her mother, or was that someone completely different? You only mentioned her mother near the end, so that confused me.

The lady softened her gaze and placed a wrinkled hand on the young woman’s’ soft cheek that had a striking resemblance to porcelain.

Didn't like this line. Maybe make it a metaphor-'on her soft porcelain cheek'. Or whatever.

Sorry to be harsh

Hey! I agree with what everyone said about this being a little too short, but I definitely think it has promise. First, though, there were a few things that bothered me:

"It's coming," The fragile old woman said dryly. The younger woman looked at her in disbelief.

This is an okay beginning, but I think you could do better. The first sentences should grab the reader's attention right away and suck them into the story.

Also, I didn't like how you kept referring to them as "the young woman" and "the old woman." All of the "woman"s made it hard to figure out who was talking. It would be less confusing if you gave at least one of the characters a name.

It's coming, she thought.

A lot of people put their characters' thoughts in italics. You don't have to, but it would make it a lot easier for your readers if you did something to distinguish thoughts from regular description.

So far, your characters seem a lot like your stereotypical Mary Sues. You've got the wise old woman and the graceful, super fast, extraordinarily beautiful elf who runs around swearing in Elvin. She sounds like almost every other elf I've ever read about. You need to describe her better and make her seem more like a real person, not just another Tolkein ripoff.

Other than that, this seems like an interesting beginning. There's a lot of different places you could take this. You could go with the cliched plot - the "chosen" one has to stop the evil from taking over the land - or you could get a little more creative. Why is the girl the only one who can stop the darkness? Maybe she's the person who accidentally unleashed it in the first place. I'd love to read about a flawed, evil elf for once.

Let me know if you decide to continue this. I'd love to read more.

Magnus