Leaves

Alright, I'm no poet but I thought I'd give it another whack.
So, this is my second attempt at poetry.
I suddenly have a passion and I want to write better so any feedback on this or poetry in general is surely helpful

~Pink
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LEAVES

Dear my little petite leaves,
You are born, but only in the spring.
With glossy skin,
You laugh with joy.
And when the sun soars in the sky,
It burns with all delight.
You are still, faultless, my dear.
No worries, no fears.
But when October comes around,
Your colors soon begin to fade.
A fiery tint overlaps you
And your heart slowly beats away.
But now the sun has disappeared
And winter has come to take you.
But fear not, my little leaves,
You will certainly be reborn again.
And when the cold nights have gone,
This old tree and you,
Are surely to meet again.

Not bad. Pretty good, actually. There were just a couple things I would reword or change.

Dear my little petite leaves,

I get what you're saying when you use "petite", but maybe a different word would sound better.

And when the cold nights have gone,
This old tree and you,
Are surely to meet again.

Instead of "surely", I think just "sure" would sound better.
I like the ending a lot. It's a nice way to end the poem.
Good work and keep writing!

Hey Pink

Dear my little petite leaves,
You are born, but only in the spring.
With glossy skin,
You laugh with joy.

I like the way this starts like a you are sending a letter to the leaves, in ways it makes them seem almost alive -well they are alive- almost human. Although I feel as though there should be a fullstop after 'With glossy skin' because it's impossible to laugh with skin.

And when the sun soars in the sky,
It burns with all delight.I don't really see the need for this bit.
You are still, faultless, my dear.
No worries, no fears.

But when October comes around,
Your colors soon begin to fade.
A fiery tint overlaps you
And your heart slowly beats away.

I like the turn that this poem has taken, it seems like you are trying to explain to explain the circle of life of leaves, and explaining it quite well in my opinion.

But now the sun has disappeared
And winter has come to take you.
But fear not, my little leaves,
You will certainly be reborn again.
And when the cold nights have gone,
This old tree and you,
Are surely to meet again.

I feel like the ending is quite weak, but necessary. There were a few word choices that weren't the best but this was is great for your second attempt at poetry.

Normally when I ready myself to critique a poem, I expect my fair share of cliche but I was pleasantly surprised. I like the viewpoint of the leaves circle of life coming from the tree itself and not some bystander. There wasn't a great deal of emotion shown in this piece and I urge you to work on that as this was one of the few things I found lacking. You had a few awkward lines in between. The other thing is that there wasn't a lot of rhythm in this, and by that I don't mean the rhyming. I mean there were times when certain sentences would hitch the flow of the poem and it would get a little choppy.

Other than that I enjoyed reading this poem, and I felt like it was very original.

Anger

Okay, first of all... for a second attempt at poetry, this kinda blew me away. Excellent write.. gorgeous use of imagery, nice cadence, there was a great little rhyming scheme that was super subtle... amazing job. The personification was beautiful.
There were, however, a couple of things that kind of bothered me. I would omit "petite" from the first line as someone else suggested.. it starts the poem off a bit awkwardly, and any time you have even a half formed alliteration, you should use it. It tightens up phrases and makes them seem natural (unless overused, but you really have to TRY to overuse it). Another thing was the word choice... while this is a great piece already, I DO think it might benefit from a little broadening in its vocabulary a bit. Perhaps also a metaphor or two. There was some basic description in this, but I think that you could use even more, and some more subtle ones. Metaphors/ Similes are perfect for that type of thing... gets a description across, as well as some nice imagery. It's like killing two birds with one stone (except not violent, gross, or horribly cruel).

BUT, like I said. Excellent piece. The letter-to-an-inanimate-object-or-thing-in-nature-poem always gets me. Really nice job.

This is actually pretty good for someone who doesn't write poetry, I like it.

Awesome poem!

I disagree with the previous posters, I think you should leave in 'petite' -- the poem flows better with a 2-syllable word in there, and 'petite' is underused, I feel.

It burns with all delight.

- Definitely add a descriptive word, to go with 'burns' or 'delight,' and maybe take out 'burns' for 'blazes'

And winter's come to take you.

- Flows better like this

You will certainly be reborn again.

- Feels kind of weak and non-flowing compared too the rest of the poem. Could probably do with replacement by some fancy/flowery-ish line, and a shorter one at that.

And when the cold nights have gone,

- I think you should add a line after this, something metaphorical that makes this line more vivid.

This old tree and you,
Are surely to meet again.

- 'surely' can work here, but it sounds a bit out of place in this poem because it's more something you'd see in a fancy style of writing, not the plainer one here (not that either is better than the other). The comma should probably not be there.


All in all, great work, 2nd attempted poem or not. ^^

Keep writing, and feel free to PM me if any further explanation/opinion/advice is desired.

Hiya PinkShearwater!

For a second attempt at poetry, this was really good! Don't shy away from poetry too much, you've got potential for it. I really liked the concept behind this poem, and that we were reading it from the point of view of the tree - this made it very interesting to read. It was interesting to see how a tree thinks of its leaves.

The poem also had a lovely flow and the imagery was very good. I especially loved these lines:

PinkShearwater wrote:With glossy skin,
You laugh with joy.
And when the sun soars in the sky,
It burns with all delight.

Loved the description there. Here are my suggestions to make your poem a bit better. Try not to use the word "petite" in the first line. Especially after the word "little", they're meanings are basically the same. "Petite" is also a very technical word to be using, try using a simpler word to match the nice gentleness of the poem. Also, instead of using the word "surely" in the last line, simplify it to "sure".

With a bit more tweaking up, this'll be even better than it is! Well done and best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf
(Please nominate me for Greeter Badge!)

Hey!
This is only your second attempt at poetry? Wow - your use of vocabulary is amazing. It was a really pretty little poem, and it brought a smile to my face. Yes, your description is really outstanding, and I loved it.
I had one problem: 'Dear my little petite leaves' ... I think the sentence structure is a little bit wonky here. Firstly, the repetition (in different forms) of the word little is unnecessary. Consider revising that.
You are doing really well: I loved this poem. Keep it up.
God bless,
Ignis

Alright, I'm here to review you sheary!(Can I call you that?!?!) My commetns are in bold

PinkShearwater wrote: 
LEAVES

Dear my little petite leaves,
You are born, but only in the spring. I like that, but it seems a bit long. maybe divide it to
Always reborn,
though only in spring ---> or something.
With glossy skin,
You laugh with joy. Eh, i can't really picture a leaf laughing. maybe twirl, like on the wind.
And when the sun soars in the sky,
It burns with all delight.
You are still, faultless, my dear.
No worries, no fears. I love this, alot.
But when October comes around,
Your colors soon begin to fade.
A fiery tint overlaps you
And your heart slowly beats away. OMG THIS IS AMAZING
But now the sun has disappeared
And winter has come to take you.
But fear not, my little leaves,
You will certainly be reborn again.
And when the cold nights have gone,
This old tree and you,
Are surely to meet again.

Overall: This is an amazing poem, and could be even better if you spice it up a bit. You're an amazing poet! Keep writing!

~Dragon

Poetry is all about perspective, and this is a unique take I haven't ever seen!
I loved when you described them coming and going (I.e. Glossy + fiery tint). The whole poem has an endless sort of feeling, since it describes a faithful cycle. I like the faint feeling of hope it has, knowing the leaves will bloom again soon.
I couldn't help wondering if it were some great extended metaphor for something else in life? Whether it is, or isn't, I enjoyed it!

I liked this poem. Just a couple of things.

PinkShearwater wrote:So, this is my second attempt at poetry. WOW! You're really good at poetry and this is a great poem.

LEAVES

Dear my little petite leaves, I think you need to use a different word than petite
You are born, but only in the spring.
With glossy skin,I think you could join these two lines,
You laugh with joy. but that might just be me.
And when the sun soars in the sky,
It burns with all delight.
You are still, faultless, my dear.
No worries, no fears.
But when October comes around, It seems weird seeing October mentioned as Autumn, but that's just where I live.
Your colors soon begin to fade.
A fiery tint overlaps you
And your heart slowly beats away.
But now the sun has disappeared
And winter has come to take you.
But fear not, my little leaves,
You will certainly be reborn again. I don't think need certainly here.
And when the cold nights have gone,
This old tree and you,
Are surely to meet again.

This is just my opinion.