Sing to Me

*These are all senerios I've come up with of murder and put in a poem. I'm really bright and don't think like this truly. It just pops up in my head, really*

You may sing to me n a soft melody,
Then bid to me goodnight.
Perhaps sing to me the meaning of goodbye,
How you plan to bid me in fright.

Sing to me your murderous, illegal schemes to
Smuggle me to my last breath,
Or puncturing through my skin, flesh, or even bone!
Slashing repeatedly with force, eyes closed.
Trying to blank your mind of the red drops spraying
In your face. Not killing me though,
You want more torture, so putting me in the
Attic for further use to continue experimentation.

Sing to me how you plan to affect me mentally,
Write to me a death note that is expected me to be suicidal
Knowing what you'll do with my remains?
Telling me, or no, describing to me what you'll eat
The next night? Or maybe using a knife to
Stab the back of my neck, slicing it down the
Middle of my spinal cord so you can
Dig your filthy hands into the slice, spreading
Skin apart so you can tug on my spine
Until it fully comes out.

Maybe sing to me carelessly dragging me by
My feet in the middle of the night and flinging me to a
Chair, strapping me in, and putting a sock in my
Mouth to muffle my screams a you grab your
Utensils. Then tugging my black hair, getting
A firm grip to put the rusty knife inside the
Front of my scalp. Pulling the knife back
Slowly, revealing the dark color of blood,
Tissue, and the floppy skin in your gloves. Using
Force all the while. Pulling off my entire
Scalp and hearing the muffles of screams slowly
Fade to a stop as you hold my hair in the air
Like you would to a trophy and lick the remaining
Blood still dripping fro my head.

Sing to me what you think will be my
Last lullaby, but just know you'll be haunted
With mine.

Red = Corrections
Green = How I'd word things
Blue = Things I like
Bold = Part of a line I'm commenting on
Italicized = Comments

EdgarAllanPoe wrote:You may sing to me in a soft melody,
Then bid to me goodnight.
Perhaps sing to me the meaning of goodbye,
How you plan to bid me in fright. I didn't quite understand this. One, you use bid again, and perhaps that's on purpose. This might actually work quite well, but... Two, I don't understand what you are trying to say. "Bid me in fright." Bid me, what, in fright?

Sing to me your murderous, illegal schemes to
Smuggle me to my last breath, Do you mean "smother"?
Or puncture through my skin, flesh, or even bone!
Slashing repeatedly with force, eyes closed,
Trying to blank your mind of the red drops spraying Why would he try to empty his mind of the thought of blood spraying him? I mean, isn't he doing this all for the sheer joy of torturing the poor fellow?
In your face. Not killing me though,
You want more torture, so you put me in the
Attic for further use to continue experimentation.

Sing to me how you plan to affect me mentally,
Write to me a death note that is expected me to be suicidal Um... what? Are you trying to say that the murderer is forging the poor fellow's suicide note? If your not, this still makes little sense. I know you're going for the poetic, words mixed up to make it all flow-y, feel, but if you take away its comprehensibility, then really, you have gained nothing.
Knowing what you'll do with my remains?
Telling me, or no, describing to me what you'll eat
The next night? Or maybe using a knife to
Stab the back of my neck, slicing it down the
Middle of my spinal cord so you can
Dig your filthy hands into the slice, spreading
Skin apart so you can tug on my spine
Until it fully comes out. O.o Creepy. I love it! This is a really nice description, in a sadistic kind of way. I can picture it nicely. Vivid, yet not so much or so eerily that we are tagging this as a bloodfest and shoving it into the psycho-lunatic-wrote-this bin.

Maybe sing to me, carelessly dragging me by
My feet in the middle of the night and flinging me to a
Chair, strapping me in, and putting a sock in my
Mouth to muffle my screams as you grab your
Utensils. Then tugging my black hair, getting
A firm grip to put the rusty knife inside the
Front of my scalp. Pulling the knife back
Slowly, revealing the dark color of blood,
Tissue, and the floppy skin in your gloves, using
Force all the while. Pulling off my entire
Scalp and hearing the muffles of screams slowly
Fade to a stop as you hold my hair in the air,
Like you would to a trophy, and lick the remaining
Blood still dripping from my head.

Sing to me what you think will be my
Last lullaby, but just know you'll be haunted
With mine.

You had some really nice descriptions in here. Also, while reading this, my mind had created a tune to it, and was singing it mentally, which I would say is good considering the title of this is "Sing to Me."

Something not so good about this is, the lines are broken up slightly awkwardly. Like, my mind was singing all nice and flow-y, and suddenly the sentence was cut off, then finished, and it didn't match the tune of my song, so any conceivable pattern--at least in my mind. I'd consider readjusting the line to follow the sentences and such, because right now it's hard to read and it constantly being chopped off.

Overall, this is a very good poem, much better than any I could think off.

Hope I've helped.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

ultraviolet was quite thorough in her corrections and suggestions. Since she was so thorough, I'll just point out the little things that caught my eye.

In the first stanza, you have a rhyme, but there is no clear rhythm to the lines, and so the rhyme sounds very odd. In addition, the rest of the poem doesn't have a rhyme, which left me wondering what happened to the rhyme. This is an easy fix as you just need to make the first stanza not rhyme.

Another thing about the first stanza is repetition of "to me". It sounds awkward, and it doesn't flow well because of this awkwardness. Because it doesn't flow well, the repetition comes across as not very interesting, and it made me wonder if you intended the repetition or if it was unintentional. Lastly, the way you used "to me" is a bit older and uncommon nowadays. This wouldn't have been a problem if the rest of the poem was written in an older style of language, but it isn't, and that makes the oddness of "to me" all the more noticeable.

I suggest that you either remove the "to me" and rephrase to something a bit more modern (basically by dropping the "to") or incorporate some older turns of phrase throughout the rest of the poem. Also, work on the flow. The easiest way to check your flow is to read your poem aloud. Basically, you read things silently differently than when you're reading them aloud. Take note of what sounds off or where you trip; these are the areas you need to focus on.

As far as description goes, I think you could have done a better job. You don't necessarily need to include more (though more would make this more morbid), but you do need to make your descriptions more vivid. Right now, they're a bit vague and non-specific. What kind of knife is "you" using? What is "you" puncturing and slashing with in the second stanza? Also, the words you use are important. How filthy is "filthy"? How dark is the "dark color of blood", and is the blood fresh, slightly congealed, or old? The stronger your descriptions, the more memorable and easy to visualize the images in your poem become.

Lastly, there's the grammar. Poetry follows the same rules of grammar as regular writing, even though it is formatted differently. This means that not every line needs to be capitalized and that, if you were to rewrite this poem in regular form, it would be perfectly readable. Right now, your punctuation in particular needs work. In the third stanza in particular, I'm wondering why there are question marks. Those sentences don't seem like questions, and so the presence of question marks is confusing. Any time you confuse the reader, the flow of the poem is broken, which can really ruin your poem.

I suggest you write out this poem in regular prose format and check the grammar. Once you're sure the grammar is perfect, you can reformat it back into a poem. Having good grammar in your poetry helps your readers understand it, which makes your poems stronger.