The Glass Heart. Chapter One.

She watch as the train started to leave the station. Tears poured down her face. Her cheeks and nose where rosy red. She put her hand down and sighed a mournful sigh before turning the opposite way and started to walk away.
Kamill was 14 when she first met him. Her hair was a golden brown and her eyes where a beautiful clear aqua blue. Her hair was short, but not above her jawline. Her figure was pretty but had some flaws to it, as normal. She was a young beautiful girl, smart as well.
She walked into the high school with a bright, frighten face on. She sighed and started to walk. Her uniform was a skirt that went to her lower thighs, but had socks above her knees and she wore a black vest with a blue shirt underneath it. The uniform only consist of the skirt, vest, socks and a red tie. She had her small book bag in her hand as she took a deep breath and took a step forward.
She walked through the doors and the smell of pinesall raced through the air. She walked through the halls and saw many of the upperclassmen looking down at her. She closed her eyes and raised her bag so it covered her bright red face. Oh! High school is scary! I heard that they play pranks on the freshmen! She thought.
She kept walking until she bumped into a tall, slender, but muscular boy. He had brown, auburn eyes and his hair was of a dirty blond, with some hint of what seemed almost all of the natural hair colors. Black, red, blond, brown, etc. She looked up at him. "S-s-... Im so sorry! Please forgive me!" She yelped a little bit.
"Just don't do it again. I'm Nakotah. I'm a junior year. You are?" He looked down at her. Some of amusement and taunting in his eyes.
"Kamill. Im freshmen." She said with an uneasy smile on her face.
"Kamill... interesting. Never heard that type of name before. Well welcome to high school." He started to walk a little bit.
She nodded and looked at him. He was some what cute in her eyes. To him, she seemed to be somewhat of a little sister character she thought.
"Well, I better be going." He said walking off. The boys' uniform was a black shirt-jacket and black pants with a red tie.
"Eh... bye!" She said looking at him. The bell rang and she stopped. He turned to her.
"I hope you know that was the bell. Your late." He smirked before walking off.
She jumped up and started to run to her class."Oh no! Shoot!" She said in a whiny voice.
She raced to class and stopped in front of the door. She took a deep breath and walked in. It was crowded but the teacher wasn't there yet. She took her seat by the window and stared out of it. A pretty blond haired girl came up to her. Her eyes where an emerald green. She also had a nice figure.
"Hi! I'm Noel! Nice to meet you! Want to be friends?" Kamill was some what confused but answered anyways.
"Eh... sure! I'm Kamill." She said looking at her. Noel smiled and took her seat next to Kamill.
"I'm so glad to have a friend. To be honest, I am kinda of scared." She spoke with a small tremble but gentleness and with a smile to Kamill.
"Me too." Kamill spoke in small words but they where somewhat bold. Noel looked at her and smiled. She grabbed Kamill's cheeks and pulled them apart.
"You are just so damn adorable!" Noel said, letting go of her cheeks and watched them slap together. "You will get eaten up by the guys here in no time!" Noel giggled as she said it.
Kamill's face turned bright red. She was a little embarrassed and by the time she thought of something to say, the teacher walked in and hushed everyone before she could say it. Kamill listened, but had the boy's image into her brain. He was so cute. Handsome. I wonder if he has a ... what am I thinking? I came here to study and get into college, not to find romance! She slammed her head onto the desk and whined a little.
"Are you OK Kamill?" Noel giggled a little but had a somewhat of a stern and worried voice.
Kamill's face turned bright red as most of the class either looked at her like she was an idiot or laughed at her. She nodded and slid down her chair. She propped the book up to hide her face.
The door swung open with force and Kamill peered over her book. It was that guy that she met earlier today... the cute one. She kept looking at him. He gave the teacher a stack of envelopes and walked out with out even looking at Kamill. She sighed a silent mournful sigh before sliding back down.
Before she knew it, lunch time was here and she was able to eat where ever she wanted on the school grounds. Noel offered her to come with her to get some pizza with her and her friends, but since Kamill didn't know any of her friends, she turned it down, so it was just her.
She sat near a huge, beautiful blossom tree. She smiled as she leaned against it. She was practically hidden from the school. She opened her lunchbox and grabbed a sandwich. She watch the highway as the cars flew by.
A hand flew in and grabbed her other sandwich. She looked around in a sudden panic before seeing Nakotah. She took a sigh of relief and looked at him.
"I forgot my lunch and I don't have any money. I will pay you back later." He said stuffing it in his mouth.
"No, it's fine." She said with a cheesy smile. He looked at her.
"If you insist." He sat down next to her. He looked at the highway with her. Her heart started to race.
"I don't know you much. Tell me about yourself." He demanded. She nodded.
"Uh... OK." She had a small smile on her face. "I went to Guardian's elementary school and St. Beastly middle school. I'm 14 and I like cheesecake." She said picking up a small chip and ate it.
All he did was nod. "I'm 16, I went to Aland's elementary and Kingsly middle. I like fudge." He took another bite out of the sandwich.
She looked at him. "Uh..." Was all she could say.
He looked at her. His pretty eyes seem to corner her. He got up and looked down at her. "On Friday, if I was you, I would bring and extra pair of clothes." He said walking away. "Oh, ya, and don't use any of the girl's restroom. Use the nurses'." He said before walking away.
She smiled and watch him leave. She got up and started to walk in. She loved the smell of his cologne. She walked to her next class to finish off the day.

THIS IS THE PROPERTY OF JESSICA BRADY. WHO EVER COPYRIGHTS AND PUBLISHES WILL PAY AN OUTRAGOUS COST. THANKYOU. YOU HAVE BEEN WORNED.

1234jesseylee wrote:

~CHAPTER 1. ~

She watch as the train started to leave the station. Tears poured down her face. Her cheeks and nose where rosey red. She put her hand down and sighed a mornfull sigh before turning the oppisite way and started to walk away.
Kamill was 14 when she first met him. Her hair was a golden brown and her eyes where a beautiful clear aqua blue. Her hair was short, but not above her jawline. Her figure was pretty but had some flaws to it, as normal. She was a young beautiful girl, smart as well.
She walked into the highschool with a bright, frighten face on. She sighed and started to walk. Her uniform was a skirt that went to her lower thighs, but had socks above her knees and she wore a black vest with a blue shirt underneath it. The uniform only consist of the skirt, vest, socks and a red tie. She had her small book bag in her hand as she took a deep breath and took a step foward.
She walked through the doors and the smell of pinesall raced through the air. She walked through the halls and saw many of the upperclassmen looking down at her. She closed her eyes and raised her bag so it covered her bright red face. Oh! Highschool is scary! I heard that they play pranks on the freshmen! She thought.
She kept walking untill she bumped into a tall, slender, but muscular boy. He had brown, auburn eyes and his hair was of a dirty blonde, with some hint of what seemed almost all of the natural hair colors. Black, red, blonde, brown, etc. She looked up at him. "S-s-... Im so sorry! Please forgive me!" She yelped a little bit.
"Just don't do it again. Im Nakotah. Im a junior year. You are?" He looked down at her. Some of amusment and taunting in his eyes.
"Kamill. Im freshmen." She said with an uneasy smile on her face.
"Kamill... interesting. Never heard that type of name before. Well welcome to highschool." He started to walk a little bit.
She nodded and looked at him. He was some what cute in her eyes. To him, she seemed to be somewhat of a little sister character she thought.
"Well, I better be going." He said walking off. The boys' uniform was a black shirt-jacket and black pants with a red tie.
"Eh... bye!" She said looking at him. The bell rang and she stopped. He turned to her.
"I hope you know that was the bell. Your late." He smirked before walking off.
She jumped up and started to run to her class."Oh no! Shoot!" She said in a whiney voice.
She raced to class and stopped infront of the door. She took a deep breath and walked in. It was croweded but the teacher wasn't there yet. She took her seat by the window and stared out of it. A pretty blonde haired girl came up to her. Her eyes where an emerald green. She also had a nice figure.
"Hi! Im Noel! Nice to meet you! Want to be friends?" Kamill was some what confused but answered anyways.
"Eh... sure! Im Kamill." She said looking at her. Noel smiled and took her seat next to Kamill.
"Im so glad to have a friend. To be honest, I am kinda of scared." She spoke with a small tremble but gentleness and with a smile to Kamill.
"Me too." Kamill spoke in small words but they where somewhat bold. Noel looked at her and smiled. She grabbed Kamill's cheeks and pulled them apart.
"You are just so damn adorable!" Noel said, letting go of her cheeks and watched them slap together. "You will get eaten up by the guys here in no time!" Noel giggled as she said it.
Kamill's face turned bright red. She was a little embarressed and by the time she thought of something to say, the teacher walked in and hushed everyone before she could say it. Kamill listened, but had the boy's image into her brain. He was so cute. Handsome. I wonder if he has a ... what am I thinking? I came here to study and get into college, not to find romance! She slammed her head onto the desk and whinned a little.
"Are you ok Kamill?" Noel giggled a little but had a somewhat of a stern and worried voice.
Kamill's face turned bright red as most of the class either looked at her like she was an idiot or laughed at her. She nodded and slid down her chair. She propped the book up to hide her face.
The door swung open with force and Kamill peered over her book. It was that guy that she met earlier today... the cute one. She kept looking at him. He gave the teacher a stack of envolopes and walked out with out even looking at Kamill. She sighed a silent mornfull sigh before slidding back down.
Before she knew it, lunch time was here and she was able to eat where ever she wanted on the school grounds. Noel offered her to come with her to get some pizza with her and her friends, but since Kamill didn't know any of her friends, she turned it down, so it was just her.
She sat near a huge, beautiful blossom tree. She smiled as she leaned against it. She was practicly hidden from the school. She opened her lunchbox and grabbed a sandwich. She watch the highway as the cars flew by.
A hand flew in and grabbed her other sandwich. She looked around in a sudden panic before seeing Nakotah. She took a sigh of relief and looked at him.
"I forgot my lunch and I don't have any money. I will pay you back later." He said stuffing it in his mouth.
"No, it's fine." She said with a cheesey smile. He looked at her.
"If you insist." He sat down next to her. He looked at the highway with her. Her heart started to race.
"I don't know you much. Tell me about yourself." He demanded. She nodded.
"Uh... ok." She had a small smile on her face. "I went to Gardian's elementry school and St. Beastly middle school. Im 14 and I like cheesecake." She said picking up a small chip and ate it.
All he did was nod. "Im 16, I went to Oland's elementry and Kingsly middle. I like fudge." He took another bite out of the sandwich.
She looked at him. "Uh..." Was all she could say.
He looked at her. His pretty eyes seem to corner her. He got up and looked down at her. "On Friday, if I was you, I would bring and extra pair of clothes." He said walking away. "Oh, ya, and don't use any of the girl's restroom. Use the nurses'." He said before walking away.
She smiled and watch him leave. She got up and started to walk in. She loved the smell of his colone. She walked to her next class to finish off the day.

Hey, welcome to the YWS. Go introduce yourself at the welcome mat if you haven't already. I'm Kit and i'm going to be harsh.

You're font was really discracting. Does it have to be bolded or itialiczed? Usually, those are used to emphiaze, and never both at the same time
You have description, which is good, but it's too much telling. Instead of telling us what Kamill looks like show us. (Also see where i've colored purple.)
You also have grammer and speling issuses that can be fixed if you proof read.

All-in-all
It was a tiny bit cliche.
As a reader, we've seen this all before. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, boy and girl end up married.
Hmm, I'm slightly narrasistic. I think I know everything.
Try to make Kamill lie her name-original.
PM or write on my wall if you need anything
~Kit

thanks for proof reading! i will try to help it. And to be honest, that is not how the story will go. lol ^.^ but anyways, thanks for over all! ((:

Hey,
I felt like the relationships developed really quick. Suddenly she's friends with Noel. Suddenly she has a crush. It didn't seem very real to me. You don't talk to a guy one time and fall in love instantly.
Also, for your descriptions they seem uniform. She had emerald green eyes. She had blond hair. Maybe try something that isn't so direct like, She studied me with stunning, emerald eyes and flipped her blond hair as she chewed her bubble gum.
With all the criticisms down I want to say I did like the concept and am glad to hear that you aren't going to go with the normal plot line.

Hey there

As a high school romance I think this is an interesting story. I like that you have a couple of romantic interests instead of just setting one up as the perfect guy straight away, and it seems like you're setting up for an unconventional plot, which I love.

I have a few nitpicks though:

First off, I would suggest putting spaces between your paragraphs. At the moment it's a bit of a block of text, which can be offputting to readers.

She watch as the train started to leave the station. Tears poured down her face. Her cheeks and nose where rosy red. She put her hand down and sighed a mournful sigh before turning the opposite way and started to walk away.

* were
It's a good beginning and definitely drew me in but seeing as this part is seperate from the rest of the story, I would suggest putting it in italics or putting something to indicate that it's seperate, like some dashes. Also, "tears poured down her face" is kind of melodramatic. It would show that she's miserable, and be more believable, if you said something like "her eyes were swollen and puffy" or "tears pricked at her eyes" or something along those lines instead of full out weeping. You could describe her emotions as well, instead of just describing what she looks like.

Kamill was 14 when she first met him.

Kamill is the main character, right? But this sentence makes it sound like Kamill is the boy, which is a bit confusing.

Her hair was a golden brown and her eyes where a beautiful clear aqua blue. Her hair was short, but not above her jawline. Her figure was pretty but had some flaws to it, as normal. She was a young beautiful girl, smart as well.

It's good to include a description of your MC to help the reader imagine them, but this comes across as an information dump. It would be better if you could slip in details about her appearance throughout the story instead of all at once. Also... the way you've described her here makes her seem like a Mary Sue to me - pretty and clever with unusual eyes (it's always the eyes XD). And saying "her figure was pretty but had some flaws to it, as normal" isn't the way to make her seem like a real person. If you're describing her figure, why not just say whether she's plump or skinny (although I would avoid slim 'cause that makes her even more unrealistically flawless). Also, merely telling the reader that she's smart isn't going to make them believe that it's part of her personality. You would convey it much more effectively if you showed that she was clever by describing her doing well in class or have her say something clever or something like that.

Oh! High school is scary! I heard that they play pranks on the freshmen!

It's best to put thoughts in italics. Also, could you imagine someone actually thinking that? It's best if thoughts and dialogue to read as natural, and I can't imagine someone this century thinking, "Oh!"

Black, red, blond, brown, etc.

It's better to avoid putting "etc." in your stories. Etcetera suggests that there's more to describe but you can't be bothered to. Plus, you've already given the impression that the hair contains many different shades, so you don't need the etc.

"Oh no! Shoot!" She said in a whiny voice.

Saying that your main character is whiny is a very quick way to make the reader dislike them. I mean, sure, you want her to be a rounded character and have some flaws but whinyness suggests unpleasantness, immaturity, ungratefullness and is kind of irritating. If you want to show her frustration at being late, "she groaned" would be a much better alternative. Just a suggestion though, it's up to you.

Her eyes where an emerald green. She also had a nice figure.

What is it with the people in this school and unusual eyes? The thing is, I don't think I've ever seen a person in real life that had emerald eyes and it makes your characters seem a little unrealistic. If you want to set her apart as special it's better to show this through her behaviour than her appearance. And if she's just a normal teenage girl, giving her character such a unique eye colour just makes her seem cartooney.

Oh dear. This review is pretty critical, isn't it? Apart from the nitpicks I mentioned I actually like this a lot and think it has a lot of potential. With some editing you could improve it a lot. I hope you keep going with this!

PM me if you have any questions or would like to discuss any aspect of this.

1234jesseylee wrote:

~CHAPTER 1. ~

She watch as the train started to leave the station. Tears poured down her face. Her cheeks and nose where rosy red. She put her hand down and sighed a mournful sigh before turning the opposite way and started to walk away.
Kamill was 14 when she first met him. Her hair was a golden brown and her eyes where a beautiful clear aqua blue. Her hair was short, but not above her jawline. Her figure was pretty but had some flaws to it, as normal. She was a young beautiful girl, smart as well.
She walked into the high school with a bright, frightenThe word should be frightened. face on. She sighed and started to walk. Her uniform was a skirt that went to her lower thighs, but had socks above her knees, and she wore a black vest with a blue shirt underneath it. The uniform only consistconsisted of the skirt, vest, socks and a red tie. She had her small book bag in her hand as she took a deep breath and took a step forward.
She walked through the doors and the smell of pinesall raced through the air. She walked through the halls and saw many of the upperclassmen looking down at her. She closed her eyes and raised her bag so it covered her bright red face. Oh! High school is scary! I heard that they play pranks on the freshmen! She thought.
She kept walking until she bumped into a tall, slender, but muscular boy. He had brown, auburn eyes and his hair was of a dirty blond, with some hint of what seemed almost all of the natural hair colors. Black, red, blond, brown, etc. She looked up at him. "S-s-... Im so sorry! Please forgive me!" She yelped a little bit.
"Just don't do it again. I'm Nakotah. I'm a junior year. You are?" He looked down at her. Some of amusement and taunting in his eyes.
"Kamill. Im [color=#8040BFi]I'm a[/color] freshmen." She said with an uneasy smile on her face.
"Kamill... interesting. Never heard that type of name before. Well welcome to high school." He started to walk a little bit.
She nodded and looked at him. He was some what cute in her eyes. To him, she seemed to be somewhat of a little sister character she thought.
"Well, I better be going." He said walking off. The boys' uniform was a black shirt-jacket and black pants with a red tie.
"Eh... bye!" She said looking at him. The bell rang and she stopped. He turned to her.
"I hope you know that was the bell. Your late." He smirked before walking off.
She jumped up and started to run to her class."Oh no! Shoot!" She said in a whiny voice.
She raced to class and stopped in front of the door. She took a deep breath and walked in. It was crowded but the teacher wasn't there yet. She took her seat by the window and stared out of it. A pretty blond haired girl came up to her. Her eyes where an emerald green. She also had a nice figure.
"Hi! I'm Noel! Nice to meet you! Want to be friends?" Kamill was some what confused but answered anyways.
"Eh... sure! I'm Kamill." She said looking at her. Noel smiled and took her seat next to Kamill.
"I'm so glad to have a friend. To be honest, I am kinda of scared." She spoke with a small tremble but gentleness and with a smile to Kamill.
"Me too." Kamill spoke in small words but they where somewhat bold. Noel looked at her and smiled. She grabbed Kamill's cheeks and pulled them apart. Why would she be pulling her cheeks like she's some little kid.
"You are just so damn adorable!" Noel said, letting go of her cheeks and watched them slap together. "You will get eaten up by the guys here in no time!" Noel giggled as she said it.
Kamill's face turned bright red. She was a little embarrassed and by the time she thought of something to say, the teacher walked in and hushed everyone before she could say it. Kamill listened, but had the boy's image into her brain. He was so cute. Handsome. I wonder if he has a ... what am I thinking? I came here to study and get into college, not to find romance! She slammed her head onto the desk and whined a little.
"Are you OK Kamill?" Noel giggled a little but had a somewhat of a stern and worried voice.
Kamill's face turned bright red as most of the class either looked at her like she was an idiot or laughed at her. She nodded and slid down her chair. She propped the book up to hide her face.
The door swung open with force and Kamill peered over her book. It was that guy that she met earlier today... the cute one. She kept looking at him. He gave the teacher a stack of envelopes and walked out with out even looking at Kamill. She sighed a silent mournful sigh before sliding back down.
Before she knew it, lunch time was here and she was able to eat where ever she wanted on the school grounds. Noel offered her to come with her to get some pizza with her and her friends, but since Kamill didn't know any of her friends, she turned it I think you should say she turned her down. down, so it was just her.
She sat near a huge, beautiful blossom tree. She smiled as she leaned against it. She was practically hidden from the school. She opened her lunchbox and grabbed a sandwich. She watch the highway as the cars flew by. You have used she as the start of a sentence five times in a row. Way too repetitive.
A hand flew in and grabbed her other sandwich. She looked around in a sudden panic before seeing Nakotah. She took a sigh of relief and looked at him.Once she is too repetitive.
"I forgot my lunch and I don't have any money. I will I'll instead of I will sounds better in the sentence. pay you back later." He said stuffing it in his mouth.
"No, it's fine." She said with a cheesy smile. He looked at her.
"If you insist." He sat down next to her. He looked at the highway with her. You should combine the two sentences by saying He sat down next to her and looked at the highway.Her heart started to race.
"I don't know you much. Tell me about yourself." He demanded. She nodded.
"Uh... OK." She had a small smile on her face. "I went to Guardian's elementary school and St. Beastly middle school. I'm 14 and I like cheesecake." She said picking up a small chip and ate it.
All he did was nod. "I'm 16, I went to Aland's elementary and Kingsly middle. I like fudge." He took another bite out of the sandwich.
She looked at him. "Uh..." Was all she could say.
He looked at her. His pretty eyes seem to corner her. He got up and looked down at her. "On Friday, if I was you, I would bring and extra pair of clothes." He said walking away. "Oh, ya, and don't use any of the girl's restroom. Use the nurses'." He said before walking away.
She smiled and watch him leave. She got up and started to walk in. She loved the smell of his cologne. She walked to her next class to finish off the day.

THIS IS THE PROPERTY OF JESSICA BRADY. WHO EVER COPYRIGHTS AND PUBLISHES WILL PAY AN OUTRAGOUS COST. THANKYOU. YOU HAVE BEEN WORNED.

This story was good, and I'm sorry I'm late on editing. This story was in my reading list but I never got around to reading it until now. The corrections are in you story but I just wanted to say that you use the word smiled too much. Use synonyms like grinned or smirked or something like that. Other than that great job.

-lilgreendots