Forever Forgotten - Chapter One

Chapter One:

Take a deep breath. Hold it. Hold it. A little bit longer. Almost there. Just a few more seconds. Wait...almost...just a tad longer...and.....let it out. Feels good, right? Do you feel a little bit of weight lift from your chest when you let it out? That feeling is life. You see, when you hold your breath the circulation of your blood slows. When you start breathing again it goes back to normal. Me, I can hold my breath for the rest of my dead existence, if you can even call it that, and it wouldn't make a difference. I guess breathing is just more of a habit now.

But, oh, what I wouldn't give to have that feeling again! The feeling of a beating heart and blood running through your veins. You may not think you can feel blood in your veins, but once its not there you would notice.

To have my color back and the warm feel of my skin, that would be incredible to experience again. But of course, that can never be. I'm forever stuck in this nonexistent existence of mine, if that even makes any sense. My skin is white, just a shade darker than a sheet of paper. My skin feels like nothing. It's just like reaching out in front of you and feeling the air. You don't feel anything. It's just kind of...there.

My nonexistent existence is of course a lonely one. No one to talk to, no one to comfort me, there isn't anyone who can do anything with me. It's just me, listening to what others say, walking down the sidewalk with people going right through me, and talking to myself. If I was alive I'd probably be insane by now. But I can't go insane. I can never change. I am forever stuck, and forever forgotten.

I know it's short. Sorry.

fictionfanatic wrote:Chapter One:

Take a deep breath. Hold it. Hold it. A little bit longer. Almost there. Just a few more seconds. Wait...almost...just a tad longer...and.....let it out. Feels good, right? Do you feel a little bit of weight lift from your chest when you let it out? That feeling is life. You see, when you hold your breath the circulation of your blood slows. When you start breathing again it goes back to normal. Me, I can hold my breath for the rest of my dead existence, if you can even call it that, and it wouldn't make a difference. I guess breathing is just more of a habit now.

But, oh, what I wouldn't give to have that feeling again! The feeling of a beating heart and blood running through your veins. You may not think you can feel blood in your veins, but once its not there you would notice.

To have my color back and the warm feel of my skin, that would be incredible to experience again. But of course, that can never be. I'm forever stuck in this nonexistent existence of mine, if that even makes any sense. My skin is white, just a shade darker than a sheet of paper. My skin feels like nothing. It's just like reaching out in front of you and feeling the air. You don't feel anything. It's just kind of...there.

My nonexistent existence is of course a lonely one. No one to talk to, no one to comfort me, there isn't anyone who can do anything with me. It's just me, listening to what others say, walking down the sidewalk with people going right through me, and talking to myself. If I was alive I'd probably be insane by now. But I can't go insane. I can never change. I am forever stuck, and forever forgotten.

Again, although it's short, It's good.
Your emotion and description is pretty strong.
~Kit

This was a pretty good start, but I think you could have reached out to us even further, finding a way for us to really understand and sympathize with your character. Short chapters are good, because that's usually what people will take the time to read, but it feels like there was more that should have been said. My main advice would just be to really hook us in, either with your character's personality, by an intriguing (or mysterious) beginning that leaves us guessing/hanging/etc., or with something that really gets us thinking. Right now, I'm not sure if I'd be interested enough to read more than a chapter or two more. Give it that hook and emotion, and I think you could have a really good story.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey there! AllyGrLxOx here for a review!

I enjoyed this piece and am very intrigued with the direction your novel is going in!

However you might want to get more into the plot, you have a great writing style but not really a purpose, we know that your MC is "forever forgotten," and sad.

But why didn't she go to heaven?
and why can't she?

These are just some things to think about and include, because you don't really have much of a plot line so far.

The first two paragraphs seemed to have an odd flow...but it might just be me!

My nonexistent existence

her what?

To have my color back and the warm feel of my skin, that would be incredible to experience again. But of course, that can never be. I'm forever stuck in this nonexistent existence of mine, if that even makes any sense. My skin is white, just a shade darker than a sheet of paper. My skin feels like nothing. It's just like reaching out in front of you and feeling the air. You don't feel anything. It's just kind of...there.

This was such an amazing vivid description!

Overall it was very good and I hope you continue your hard work!

Oh and please PM me when the next part is up!

~Ally~

fictionfanatic wrote:Chapter One:

Take a deep breath. Hold it. Hold it. A little bit longer. Almost there. Just a few more seconds. Wait...almost...just a tad longer...and.....let it out. Feels good, right? Do you feel a little bit of weight lift from your chest when you let it out? That feeling is life. You see, when you hold your breath the circulation of your blood slows. When you start breathing again it goes back to normal. Me, I can hold my breath for the rest of my dead existence--if you can even call it that--and it wouldn't make a difference. I guess breathing is just more of a habit now.

But, oh, what I wouldn't give to have that feeling again! The feeling of a beating heart and blood running through your veins. You may not think you can feel blood in your veins, but once its not there you would notice. I don't think the tenses add up right, at least not in my mind. Try changing it to something like "But if it weren't there you would notice," or something along those lines.

To have my color back and the warm feel of my skin, that would be incredible to experience again. But of course, that can never be. I'm forever stuck in this nonexistent existence of mine, if that even makes any sense. My skin is white, just a shade darker than a sheet of paper. My skin feels like nothing. It's just You've already used the word "just" two times in this little space. You can just take this out completely. like reaching out in front of you and feeling the air. You don't feel anything. It's just kind of...there.

My nonexistent existence is of course a lonely one. No one to talk to, no one to comfort me; there isn't anyone who can do anything with me. It's just me, listening to what others say, walking down the sidewalk with people going right through me, and talking to myself. If I was alive I'd probably be insane by now, but I can't go insane. I can never change. I am forever stuck, and forever forgotten.

Okay, so your grammar is pretty good. The main thing you need to keep in mind is characterization. Right now all we see is a soulless, damned to nothing, spirit. Generic, and nothing too special. You may be going for this, but if you really want us to feel for your character, show us a back story; give us details about her, about her life, about her interests, about her now-dead family, things that show us she was a real person. Because, if she weren't a person, why should we care?

This is short, and I feel that with skillfully crafted details and flashbacks--not always close together, and make sure we're not confused to the time period--that this could be both longer, and leaving us for more.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

This is really good. Sorry...I nkow that was no help