Dark Angel

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Read this first. It will explain everything. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=54106


I rose from the water. Newborn. Again. The Darkest Pool of Drowned Souls had chosen me as its release. The release of a soul from the Pool is an occurrence indeed. I had been Drowned long ago, and now, I was breaking the surface. A miracle, of sorts, I was still dead, but not as dead as I had been. My mouth came above the surface, but before I could breathe I had to exhale. As the Pool released me, I released the part of the pool that filled me. The Water of Souls poured from my mouth. I didn't cough, I was dead for Goddess's sake.
Yes, Goddess. She was the One and Only Goddess. She ruled below the surface of the Pool. She governed the Lost Souls, like me. Once we passed through, by giving our souls to her, we couldn't leave except with her Blessing. It came with the mark of a Lost Soul. Sinuous wings, like soft leather with long extending fingers of bone stretching them to their full extent. I flexed them as I breathed my first breath of air in the underworld. I had crossed over into The God's domain. The God had done his best to convince The Transients (the ones who's bodies were Mortal) that he was the only one. The God and Goddess were in an eternal courtship. Like the courtships I had witnessed in the Royal Courts of the Emperors of the Transients, They each tried to retain as much power as possible. It was said that when they finally decided upon the terms of the union, that it would be Judgment Day for the Transients, when their souls would be traded and bartered as servants for the couple.
I beat my wings and left the water. I nearly fell out of the sky when I felt my connection with the Goddess break. It was a horrible jarring sensation, like being ripped apart, and having the DT's at the same time. Shaky and sick and it hurt like hell well, perhaps not like hell. I had learned not to take my current situation for granted. I could have very likely been sent to hell. The Sorter wasn't too lenient. It was said that he could see every flaw in your soul with one look in your eyes. It was also said that he was looking for Helen, who he would give his immortal soul for. Where this Helen was is a mystery, for she can be found neither in the God's realm nor the Goddess's.
My wings beat the air and I was able to distance myself from the Pool. It was agony, but I had my Task in mind. The Goddess had sent me to the surface for a reason. I was required to bring back a little Transient female to serve as the Goddess's new handmaiden. She was to represent the Goddess as the Maiden. Just as the God has three distinct energies, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, the Goddess has three energies, The Maiden, the Mother, and the Wise Old Crone. The new female was going to be the Goddess's representation, but that meant that I had to find her, and bring her back to the underworld alive which would be challenging to say the least.
I soared over the underworld gazing out across the Farthest Shore of the Darkest Pool. This is where the Sorter did his Sorting. All the Transients who had not given their souls to the Goddess in the Pool were here. There was a long line leading up to the foot of the Spiral Stair and the Escalator. Apparently the God was trying to attract a more modern clientele. I circled around the Stair, where thousands upon thousands were climbing. I tried to view the Sorter. Finally I spotted him. He was a very old man, but he carried himself with such dignity that he seemed to be much younger, but more wise. As I drew close, he looked up at me. And it was as if he could see into my soul. I turned and launched myself away before I could see the inevitable displeasure.
I had a job to do, but first I had to break free of the underworld. I climbed higher and higher in the air, expecting the usual amount of time to pass in the underworld -an eternity- but it wasn't long before the Mists of the Underworld were fading and I could begin to see the human realm. The light of the sun touched my wings and they disappeared from off my back! I fell through the air, landing on the Earth. I had made it.
I looked around. I was in a tree in what looked like a city park, with paved trails and manicured lawns. The sunlight warmed my soul. The wind dried my hair. I felt almost alive again. But then I felt the pull of my addiction to the Goddess's Waters. I had to find a Transient Female, and fast. I gazed across the park, feeling for a Maiden. The Goddess had told me that she must have very specific attributes. She must already be a worshiper of My Lady, she must be young, and more importantly, she must be a virgin, otherwise, she would represent the Mother, or the Wise Old Crone. I could sense that none of the women here met those qualifications.
Night fall found me still looking for the Maiden. As the sun set over the city and the light left my wings, I could feel them reappearing. I flexed and stretched out as far as they would go, then tucked them close to my back. I realized that I was naked, and that it probably wouldn't go over well in the mortal realm. I looked down from my tree and spotted a drunk under a bush. He was well-dressed, for a drunk. I decided to take his clothes. They were fitted to the drunk man, who was well built, but they were still too big around the middle,tight through the sleeves, and when I pulled on the pants, they were too short by a good three inches. I managed to get my wings tucked into the jacket though, after I ripped holes in the shirt. I would have to remove the jacket to fly, but at least they were hidden.
I left the park, satisfied that the type of woman I wasn't looking for wouldn't be in the park after dark. I set about the city looking for her, and the look on my face prevented anyone from hassling me, even though I wasn't wearing shoes. I decided to rectify that matter, and reached into my pocket for the drunk's wallet. It had a crisp hundred in it, along with a fifty, a twenty, two fives, and eight ones. A hundred and eighty-eight dollars American should get me some shoes for the duration of my stay.
I walked into a small shop and looked around. It was a dusty old shop selling old-fashioned-looking shoes and clothing. I rang the bell for service. An older-looking man came out of the back, took one look at my ill-fitting, but expensive attire, and decided I was worth baby-sitting around the shop.
"I understand that you measure feet here, correct?"
The man looked down at my bare feet, sighed and called out in a vaguely Italian accent, "Amelia, bring the foot measure!"
From out of the back room came Amelia. She was a brunette, with large green eyes, and a full mouth. Her hands were small, delicate things, attached to pale arms, on a slender, but not skinny, body. Small, but well-shaped breasts, a narrow waist, and wide-set hips, gave her the look of a lovely girl who would be a decadent woman. I felt with my extra senses for her age. She was 15, and she was a virgin. I didn't know weather she was a goddess-worshiper or not, but I felt the pull of my addiction coming from her. That was a good sign.
She held out the foot-measure and smiled. "Here it is" I felt myself staring a little to hard at her, so I smiled friendlily and averted my eyes. If she was a Goddess-worshiper, she was coming with me.
Amelia knelt down by my feet, I obligingly lifted one of them and placed it in the foot measure. She adjusted it and said, "Size nine, wide."
The older man asked, "what style of shoe did you want?"
"Loafer, please." as he went into the back to get the shoe I asked her, "You are a Wiccan, aren't you."
Startled, she looked at me and said, "how do you know that?"
I smiled. The store owner came back. "Brown or black?"
"Black." We made the exchange, and I took another look at Amelia. "Good night." I would wait until the old man was asleep to take her.
As I walked back into the night in my new shoes, I thought about Amelia. She would be taken from her life so suddenly, jarringly. I felt a pang of guilt, then realized that that was how most death happened. Unexpectedly, painfully. I took off my jacket and flew to the roof of the two-story building. I leaned over the side and looked into the window. I realized that she must live here, above the shop, and the old man must be her grandfather. I felt another pang of guilt when I thought about I would be taking her away from him, possibly the only family he had. I sighed, and sat back on the roof. I heard a gentle cough behind me. I turned, and there was Amelia, who must have quietly walked up behind me as I was thinking.
"Hello." She said, her eyes wide and cheeks pink. "what are you doing on my rooftop?"
"I was waiting for your Grandfather to fall asleep."
She swallowed, "Why?"
"To take you to the Underworld to serve as the Goddess's handmaiden."
Taking a step back she stuttered, "W-what?"
In a grand motion I unfolded my wings to their full extant. She gasped, and I grabbed her. She struggled and bit down, but I was still to strong. I took off into the air with her in my arms. In an effort of self-preservation, she stopped struggling.
"W-what are you?" she asked.
"I am a person who death has marked."
"I don't understand." She looked down and gasped, we were flying over the city. Amelia clung tighter to my arm.
"You are to be a Handmaiden to the Goddess in the Underworld."
"Why me?"
"Why not?"
"I- I... please let me go!"
"Unfortunately for you, if I let you go at this altitude, you would die." She started crying in my arms. I felt so guilty. "There are three reasons why you were chosen. One, You are a virgin, Two, you are young, Three, you are a Goddess-worshiper."
Amelia held on to me tightly and cried into my chest. I flew with her in silence in this manner for a few more minutes. Eventually, she cleared her throat, sniffed, and asked me. "Who are you?"
"My name is Nathaniel. When I died I was twenty years old. I drowned in the Pool of Souls and thus gave my soul to the Goddess. She needed a new Handmaiden, so she gave me wings and sent me to find one, and bring her back. I found you."
"How do we get to the Underworld?" She gasped, "Are you going to kill me?"
"No. I am already dead, so the Underworld calls to me. You will be protected by my wings as we enter."
"Will I die?"
"Everyone dies, but you will live longer than most."
"Will I ever see my Grandfather again?"
"If he gives his soul to the Goddess you will."
"He won't. He is a devout Christian."
"That doesn't necessarily mean he will make it to the Farthest Shore. Only the strongest make it."
"I-I'm afraid."
"I would be worried if you weren't."
She looked down. "I don't want to go. Please don't make me." There came a light in her eyes. "What if I don't worship the Goddess?"
"You don't believe in Her after seeing me?" She was cleaver.
"I-I..." she started to hyperventilate and struggle. "No!" she shouted. "NO!"
I held her tighter. "shhhh. It's inevitable. You cannot stop this." The guilt and the addiction warred within me.
"Please, please, let me go!" she sobbed. "No!" I held her tight until she stopped struggling. She still cried. I tried to comfort her.
"Shhhh. Don't cry. You will serve the Goddess and you will be alright. Nothing bad can happen to you when you're in her care." My guilt was growing by the second.
Amelia slipped her arms around my neck and held me tight. Her tiny hands brushed against my wings. An electric shock passed through me. I stared at her. Time seemed to slow. I could feel everything about her. She was a good girl. She got good grades in school, cared for her grandfather, was kind to everyone. Amelia didn't deserve this. Then I realized something else. If she wasn't a virgin, I couldn't take her.
"Amelia." She looked at me through her tears. "What would you give to not have to leave the Earth?"
Realization dawned in her eyes. She paled. "I- I... I don't know."
"Amelia, I am offering you a way out. Do you want to take it?"
There was an endless moment as she made her decision. "Yes, I want to take it."
I landed back in the park and laid her on the soft grass. "Are you sure?"
"Yes."
She laid still as I made love to her. She cried when I hurt her, but after she was silent. When it was done I held her in my arms and she clung to me, her head low, her eyes downcast. I felt as if I was drowning again. No way out. No where to be safe. As the guilt overwhelmed me, I buried my face in her hair and cried. In death, as in life, nothing was fair. And our deities were sure as hell not going to help us.
She felt what I was doing and turned toward me. "Do not cry, Dark Angel. I made a decision. You did not take anything from me. You saved me." She kissed both my eyes. "Thank you."
I smiled at her, but I knew that even if Amelia forgave me, The Goddess wouldn't. I could feel her anger emanating from everywhere. "I am sorry Amelia." The Goddess's anger swelled. She burnt me from the inside as I screamed. She was doing to me what the God did to Eve. I was becoming no more. As I faded, I thought I saw Amelia reach for me...
Last edited by FLyerS on Sat Aug 21, 2010 3:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.




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Hi Flyer, Pink here :)

So just a few nitpicks...


The Darkest Pool of Drowned Souls had chosen me as it's release. The release of a soul from the Pool is an occurrence indeed. I had been Drowned long ago, and now, I was breaking the surface.

>It's should be its. It's not possessive.
>Why is Drowned capitalized?

. I didn't cough, I was dead for Goddess sake.

>Should be a semicolon after cough, not a comma, if I'm not mistaken... XP

She was the One and Only Goddess

>Again, watch the capitalization.

. once we passed through, by giving our souls to her, we couldn't leave except with her Blessing.

>Once should be capitalized, start of new sentence.

The Transients (the ones whose bodies were Mortal

that it would be Judgment Day for the Transients,

I didn't know whether she was a goddess-worshiper or not, but I felt the pull of my addiction coming from her. That was a good sign.

"Here it is," she said.I felt myself staring a little too hard at her,

>You want to watch out for punctuation mistakes, especially in quotes. '

The older man asked, "what style of shoe did you want?"

>Capitalize 'What'. Remember you have to capitalize the first word in the quote when it's written like this. You have more of this same error throughout your piece and I advise you to go back and fix that. It's easy, anyway, all you need to do is capitalize :)

"Hello(,)" She said, her eyes wide and cheeks pink. "What are you doing on my rooftop?"


Nowhere to be safe.

When it was done I held her in my arms and she clung to me, her head low, and her eyes downcast



~~~


Overall

Okay, first of all, I love your idea. The whole Goddess and angel thing, it's different and I like it. Now, with that being said, I think you can make it a lot better.
Firstly, your introduction was confusing. You don't quite explain everything clearly. See, when you start a story make sure you get the setting right, where is he, what's he doing, why is he there and so on. I was left confused for a while and I knew you were trying to explain the Goddess thing but so much information was like an overload in my brain and I decided not to be bothered by it too much and just kept reading. Let's say, you don't explain everything in the beginning, just give us little details and all later on, one by one. Building a more clear picture.
Also, watch out for capitalization. I noticed your piece was full of these errors and I would go back and review to make sure the things that are supposed to be capitalized are, and vice versa.
One more thing, I thought Amelia's attitude towards the whole Goddess thing was weird. If I were her, I'd be totally flipping out. Maybe I would even faint. But, her reaction was odd, in my mind. I expected more of her to be like "HUH?" But she kept talking and asking questions, maybe that's just her personality though, I don't know. I loved the ending, but it was too quick paced in my mind.
But yes, that's mainly all I want to point out.
And I had fun reading this,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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I wrote this at like, ten o'clock last night, and I woke up this morning, re-read it, and was like WTF? This story sucks! AAAARRG!!! So now I shall have to edit it. Muchly. As to the weird capitals, (except for the ones at beginnings of sentences) They are actually proper names. The Darkest Pool of Drowned Souls isn't just a darkest pool of drowned souls, it is the Darkest Pool of Drowned Souls. I thought it was rushed myself.


Also, Please help me with the story line. I went back and tried to edit it, but I can't find anything specific! Help!
Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.




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loved it!!! i like the whole mixing in different religions, such as god and godesses. i like how he's a dark angel, with dark mysterious wings. i just wish you had explained what his face and features were, that would have helped. i like the whole underworld thing, and again, the wings. and on your response, i know how you feel. ive stayed up late and written stories before too, and then when i went back to read the next day, when i had my sanity back.., im like, what was i thinkin!!???? *delete* then i would try to make it better, or redo it. but i liked yours, just be more specific, like what did they look like, what was what, and what city was he in? what did the underworld look like?X)
giving up does not always mean your weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go. freaks are people too. i love to hate, and i hate to love. i am me, i will never change. "thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it"-henry ford




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Thanks so much for your review. I am slowly editing this post on paper, so it will soon be much improved. I will then re-post, so I may need another review!
Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.




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Gender Female
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Wow I loved this story. It's a really great idea that you have going on. You had me captivated the entire time. I liked how you described almost everything in your story, and also the fact that you had keep reading to find who the character was good. The only things I noticed was that you capitalized some of your words and that your punctuation was off in some spots.
Overall:
It's a good captivating story. I liked it a lot. Kepp writing, you've got really awesome talent.
“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love. By returning, you may ensure that fewer souls are maimed, fewer families are torn apart. If that seems to you a worthy goal, then we say good-bye for the present.” - Albus Dumbledore



Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"